Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Renal Failure Loses? How Can This Be?


The season's over. Shut it down. Shut all this down.

It was bound to happen sooner or later, but Renal Failure's perfect season has been exterminated. The People have lost. 111-96 to La Machine. We almost forgot what losing felt like, it's been so long. It's cold and empty. Like Manitoba.

Our fatal error was leaving TJ Houshmandzadeh and his 21pts on the bench while usual WR studs Hines Ward and Chad Ochocinco only scored an impotent 2pts apiece. Hell, Percy Harvin had a better day than both Ward and Ocho (5pts). But considering Housh's dismal performance against the Cardinals earlier this season, we're not kicking ourselves too hard over our decision. Now we know not to start WR's who are competing in the same game. And the 15 point margin of victory lets us not mind MJD's decision not to score that touchdown near the end of the Jags/Jets game. We're saving all our scorn for Ward and Ocho, and maybe some the Broncos Defense too for their pathetic 3-point day vs. Washington.

(At least we beat our projected score. Unfortunately so did La Machine.)

But our real bane in this week's loss was La Machine QB Donovan McNabb who not only put up deep-space bear numbers for La Machine, but who also couldn't pull out a win against the San Diego Chargers, giving us the rare Fantasy Football/Real Football double whammy as the People's Champion is an Eagles fan. If you're going to ruin our fantasy football day, Donovan, at least don't ruin our real football day too. Why don't you just go back in time and kill Optimus Prime in front of our seven-year old eyes again while you're at it.


A lot of childhoods ended that day in the movie theater...

But the People do not grieve (or at least they'll stop by Thursday night for half-off margarita happy hour), for soon they will be one with the Matrix. No, wait. Cut! Cut! Let's take it again from after the video. 3... 2... 1...

But still, the People will not mourn this blemish on our record for long, for they know the People's Champion operates best when their backs are against the wall.

"But how can a 9-1 team have their backs against the wall?" you might ask. "That doesn't sound right." And you would be correct in that assessment if you were talking about a normal team. But this is Renal Failure. The Wild Card (bitches!). The Duke of New York. The Nobel Laureate of the HBFFL. We don't operate like other teams, or like other human beings.

Chris opened the season with a Rocky IV Ivan Drago reference, so it is ironic that his La Machine squad ended up in the Rocky role, bloodying the handsome face of the Great One...


"You see? He's not a machine! He's a man!"

So now it has been shown that Renal Failure is not invincible. That the Great One can't dodge every bullet. That the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler can be pinned. Our frightening aura is no longer so bright, and we sense that teams are going to start thinking they can march into the People's House and put their boots on our couch.


Fuck our couch? Fuck OUR couch? Oh hell no!

And so a smarting and bruised Renal Failure sees Week 11's bout with LOBO's Predator Press not just as another game, and not just an another opportunity to clinch a playoff spot, but as an opportunity for the People's Champion to restore their fearsome reputation, and to reassert the Wild Card (bitches!) as the most explosive and unpredictable element on the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football periodic table.


Thulium is out... RenalFailium is in... where's your Lobonium?

We'll have our preview of our Week 11 elemental clash with Predator Press on Friday.

---Renal Failure was doing fine until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

6 comments:

Defending Champion said...

I can't believe you left points on the bench. Oh wait..I have lost 3 in a row that way.

LOBO said...

The funny part is, about halfway through reading this I caught myself feeling sorry for ya!! lol

To be honest, I thought everything was clinched last week ... I think I misread something. Sorry all! I must've sounded like an even bigger pomous ass than usual.

Wouldn't my loss this week potentially put three people in a tie for 3rd place? And if that happened, how many wins would be required -and how soon- to secure at least fourth place?

PS: Interesting season!

Chris C said...

Har! The biggest win of the season. I'll be gloating in tomorrow's post. hehe

@LOBO: A good way to avoid that is to win :)

Le Meems said...

Death to Optimus Prime? What the hell? Stop it.

renalfailure said...

That's the power of persuasive writing, LOBO. If I could have convinced you totally to feel sorry for me, I probably also could have gotten you to trade with me. Sure you don't want LeSean McCoy now that Westbrook's done?

LOBO said...

Haha! Funny you mentioned that ...

-You must remember, I nursed Westbrook all year and got this far.

This ain't over by a long shot.

And even your longshots are useless against me! I am immune to all except extremely short shots, silver, and the axiety I get when someone scores from my bench! (those bastards)

Don't make me rent a Berataur.