Look on my works, ye Mighty, and mutter "Lucky son of a bitch!"

"I think she's talking to you, Joe..."

Fact: In 2008, no team beat all nine teams in the HBFFL. Fantasy Virgin/Defending Champions went 0-1 against The White Strypers and Predator Press. La Machine went 0-2 against the White Strypers. And the White Strypers went 0-2 against the Washington Crooks.

[Ed note: La Machine actually did beat Strypers in the playoffs. And sorry for the incomplete note earlier hehe.]

Fact: In 2009, Renal Failure (9-0) has a win over every team in the HBFFL.

Week 9 has passed and Renal Failure survives again, and no we're not talking about another Tom Brady 60-point scare. We're talking about winning by the slimmest of margins. The kind of win that makes Rambler break out the Megadeath "Skin of My Teeth" video.

The Great One's 101-100 victory over Defending Champions may make Chris C. of La Machine feel better about losing to the Champs (then Fantasy Virgin) in last year's championship game by a single point, but the People's Champion is less sanguine about avenging last year's defeats to FV/DC.

Defending Champions (aka the Brains of the HBFFL) took a gamble by playing RB Jamaal Charles in the Flex spot this week, based on the advice of so-called "experts" who expected him to throw up big bear-in-orbit points this week against the Jaguars in the absence of Larry Johnson. Instead Charles only scored 6 points while Cedric Benson (22 points) and Miles Austin (11 points, all scored on one catch, mind you) sat on the DC bench.

Renal Failure survives again, and we might have to send Matthew Berry of ESPN Fantasy Football a thank you card for making DC outsmart himself.


Defending Champs post-game press conference...

But at least DefChamps can take pride that he changed his mind about starting Michael Crabtree over Andre Johnson and that his Seattle Seahawks Defense gambit paid off nicely with that late 4th quarter interception and touchdown by Josh Wilson, turning a 95-92 Renal Failure lead (courtesy of Philip Rivers' late game heroics against the Giants) into a 100-95 beacon of hope that was extinguished by the slimmest of margins in the Sunday night game by the Philadelphia Eagles Defense doing the bare minimum for the People's Champ (6pts). DC released his previous DEF, San Diego, earlier in the week and the Chargers only put up 7pts on the G-Men.

(Note: If the Eagles D failed us, this post would probably have been titled Matt Stafford Ruined Our Season With That Interception And Should Get The Swine AIDS.)

Not to say Renal Failure was Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius this week either. The People's Champ left WR Hines Ward and his 16 Monday Night points on the bench while Chad Ochocinco underperformed against Baltimore (projected for 10pts, only got 6). Maurice Jones-Drew didn't throw a bear into outer space this week as projected, instead earning a respectable 18 points. He fell just three rushing yards short of hitting the 100 yard bonus in his game against the Chiefs, though that would have only given him 24pts when he was projected for 26.

But at least TJ Houshmandzadeh and Pierre Thomas (filling in for Stephen Jackson during his bye week) performed exactly as projected (9pts and 14pts respectively), and Dallas Clark continued to dominate at tight end (14 catches, 119 yards for 16 pts, projected for 11).

Renal Failure survives again, walking that razor's edge. For the life of the Wild Card (bitches!) is a perilous one. That's why we bring chicks with swords with us.


Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy strongly suggest you start Tavaris Jackson...

Week 10 for the People's Champion is a rematch with Sith Lord Chris and his 2nd-place La Machine (5-4), who are still smarting from their defeat by Team DuckGirl who not only picked up the injured TE Chris Cooley off the free agent list but started him as well even though he was inactive. The guys in the HBFFL Yahoo! Stattracker chat room on Sunday weren't sure what she was thinking with that move, but Renal Failure knew she had a secret plan (just like how we knew TE Brent Celek would have a TD in the Sunday night game for Prestige Worldwide). You were playing Hungry Hungry Hippos for shits and giggles, she was playing 4-dimensional chess for diamonds and Malaysian boys, and she cleaned up. DuckGirl gets Wild Card props for her boldness. Anyway, we'll have our La Machine/Renal Failure Week 10 preview later this week.

---Renal Failure knows that the undefeated get no pity. Not that he got much of that before.

Week 9 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Defending Champions

Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish best served cold? It is very cold on the Internet.

With last year's loss to the Ramblers avenged, Renal Failure's attention goes to our next opportunity for vengeance.

Last season Defending Champions (then known as Fantasy Virgin) racked up two victories over the People's Champion, including one in Week 13 that buried in the People's playoff hopes. But this season both these teams find themselves swapping roles. Now it is Renal Failure riding high atop the standings and Fantasy Virgin/Defending Champions fighting for a playoff berth. DefChamps are 4-4 and tied for 3rd with What the Canuck? (aka. the Ducky, losers of their last four games) and Predator Press (who beat Canuck this past week thanks to the Saints DEF), and right behind them are five ravenous 3-5 teams waiting to pounce (and the Bald Spots have the hot hand with a 2-game winning streak).

So what are the chances that the Defending Champions (aka the Brains) can end the undefeated streak of the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler known as Renal Failure? Pretty decent, actually, despite what the Yahoo! projections say (111-89 in favor of RF as of Thursday night while we were watching Trailer Park Boys). Drew Brees is always dangerous and has a good matchup against Carolina, Cedric Benson is well rested coming off a bye week, and Andre Johnson is feeling better after bruising a lung a few games ago.

But the Wild Card (bitches!) get Chad Ochocinco coming off a bye as well, Pierre Thomas will also be facing that porous Carolina defense, and Maurice Jones-Drew is facing the Kansas City Chiefs in what we like to call a potential "Entire-Berenstain-Bears-Family-in-Orbit" matchup.

The People's Champion will be without Stephen Jackson though, but bye weeks haven't bitten Renal Failure in the ass so far this season. The Great One has already survived byes for Ochocinco, Hines Ward, Philip Rivers, Jones-Drew, the Philadelphia Eagles Defense, and Dallas Clark. How did we do it, you may ask? Because nobody circles the wagons like Renal Failure.

And just because LOBO called Renal Failure "a juggernaut" earlier this week, the People's Champion gives you this...



Yeah... you'd better know who Renal Failure is.


---Renal Failure will leave you as left me, as you left her... marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet... buried alive!

Gentlemen!

Readers of the HBFFL blog may recall this particular quote from UnfinishedRambler's post last week regarding Renal Failure's quoting of Team Fortress 2 characters:

"If you're going to paraphrase that quote: "Be polite, be efficient..." then you need to be The Sniper, not The Scout, as you put in your earlier post."

And the Rambler had a point... how can someone be both the Scout and the Sniper? You can't... unless you're actually THE SPY!


WILD CARD, BITCHES!

Renal Failure (8-0) has breached the Ramblers defenses... you see what the People's Champion has done to the other teams in the league, and how he stabbed Rambler in the back with that trade in Week 6... and worst of all Renal Failure could be anyone in this room! It could be you. It could be me. Wait, it is me! Oh no! Too late! It's a 117-92 stab-fest victory for Renal Failure and your Toyota Week 8 Biggest Fantasy Football Blowout.

The lesson learned: Never underestimate Renal Failure, or pornography starring your mother will be the second-worst thing that happens to you that particular week.

Hmmm... a 25 point margin of victory... why, that's the same margin of points Stephen Jackson scored over Steve Slaton. This warrants a closer look at the biggest trade ever in the HBFFL. I mean, we've already stuck the knife in. Might as well twist it a few times.

The Ramblers didn't start the other two players they got from Renal Failure this week, though it wouldn't have mattered. WR Jerricho Cotchery and RB Tim Hightower were only 12 points better than Hakeem Nicks and Beanie Wells. And Renal Failure couldn't start the other people they got in the trade because WR Chad Ochocinco was on a bye this week and Derrick Ward had been released for a case of beer. So SJax alone outscored the three players he was traded for 26-13.

But if the trade never happened, Renal Failure likely would have started Slaton and Cotchery (instead of WR Percy Harvin and his 14 point day) and victory would have been in the Ramblers' hands. Furthermore, Rambler would still have Ochocinco for future weeks and the People's Champion would be cursing his lack of depth and production at WR, as well as watching one of his prized running backs being benched for fumbleitis.

So regarding Rambler's role in this deal...


Next on CSI: Mesopotamia...

At this time the Great One would like to thank the Unfinished One for his graciousness and for keeping our undefeated season going... but Rambler is a Yankees fan so we'll hold off on that, for The People's Champion supports the World Fucking Champions.

---Renal Failure is not the president of your fan club.

Week 8 Preview: Renal Failure vs. The Ramblers

This week's game... kind of a big deal.

The Great One known as Renal Failure (7-0) has had this match-up circled on his calendar for quite some time, for we have unfinished business with the Unfinished Rambler (3-4).

Last season the Ramblers ruined our playoff push with an unlikely victory over us on the back of TE Dallas Clark (the only recorded time in Fantasy Football history a loss has ever been blamed on a tight end). But now Clark is in the employ of the People's Champion, and the People demand bloody retribution.

Grass grows... birds fly... sun shines... and brother, Renal Failure wins games.

We suspect the Unfinished One has been looking forward to this game as well, hoping we'd reach Week 8 still undefeated so that he could be the one to blemish our perfect record. Rambler knows, as the great Ric Flair often said, to be The Man you've got to beat The Man. And Rambler made a trade with The Man, perhaps aware earlier than anyone that the only thing that can beat Renal Failure is Renal Failure.


The Man...

But despite their perfect record, the People's Champion finds themselves the underdog this week, especially with their top two WR's Hines Ward and Chad Ochocinco on bye weeks. Aaron Rodgers, DeSean Jackson, and Steve Slaton (acquired from Renal Failure) have been red hot lately for the Ramblers. And the Ramblers have a slight edge according to the Yahoo! projections, up 92-91 as of Thursday night's lineups.

But you're not from where Renal Failure's from. Because if you were, you'd be fucking dead.

The Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL has only failed to beat their projected score once this season. And Philip Rivers, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Stephen Jackson (acquired from the Ramblers) have favorable bear-throwable match-ups against Oakland, Tennessee, and Detroit respectively. And let us not forget the legendary Tom Brady 60-point game that Renal Failure survived in Week 6.

You take the People's Champion lightly and we'll eat your sandwich. WE EAT IT UP!

We have reason to believe Defending Champion will be pulling for Renal Failure... if only to have the chance next week to be the one who ends the perfect season of the People's Champion. Do you really want to deny him of that opportunity for glory, Rambler? Do you? How callous.

---Renal Failure is stylin' and profilin' and will be riding Space Mountain all night long. Whoooo!

Halfway There... But Not Living on a Prayer

They got more trim dressed like that than you ever will...

Fact: The longest winning streak any HBFFL team had last season was six games (Fantasy Virgin aka. Defending Champion, aka. Tranny McTrannerson).

Fact: With their Week 7 victory over Totes McGoats (now named Prestige Worldwide for some reason) Renal Failure's current streak stands at seven.

We're at the halfway point of the HBFFL season and it's been a rough first half for teams not named Renal Failure. The People's Champion is the sole member of the 700 Club (767 pts this season, almost 110 pts a game) and is a full three games ahead of its closest competitors: the Hard to Kill La Machine, the aforementioned gender-confused Defending Champions, and the quickly wilting What the Canuck? who have lost their last three games.

But that trio has more to worry about than catching the Macho Fantasy Football Wrestler that is your first place Renal Failure. For close behind them is a hungry pack of 3-4 teams: the brawny Totes/Prestige, the left-thumbless Predator Press, the recent scoring juggernaut that is the Googlyeyed Goons (who lost 132-131 this week to the DefChamps after putting up 130pts in Week 6), and the Week 8 Enemy of the People known as the Ramblers (we'll preview that matchup later in the week).

And just behind them at 2-5 are Team Duckgirl and Bald Spots. If Bald Spots can get some momentum off their big win over What the Canuck? and Duckgirl can remember to field a lineup, they can make the playoff race very interesting. Or at least play spoiler to a number of teams. The sweet taste of success is only rivaled by the spicy tang of spite.

But what the People want to know is can the Nobel Laureate of the HBFFL run the table? Can the Duke of New York (we are A-Number-One) go 14-0? Possibly, considering Renal Failure has weathered the bye weeks of top performers Philip Rivers and Maurice Jones-Drew, and there's depth on the bench in case of injuries. But most likely not. Someone's going to have the People's Number eventually. Still, you can never count out Renal Failure. We're not called The Wild Card (bitches!) for nothing.

Just don't talk about playoffs... at least not yet.



---Contrary to what Dennis Green says, Renal Failure is not who you think they are.

60 Points by Brady? And he's still alive!

"And dig this you assholes, and dig it good. Barnes has been shot seven times and he ain't dead, does that mean anything to you, huh? Barnes ain't meant to die! The only thing that can kill Barnes is Barnes."

That's one of the lines the People's Champion Renal Failure (6-0) remembers most from the movie Platoon. Why did we quote it here? We'll get back to that later...

Right now at this time, the still undefeated Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler of the HBFFL would like to introduce a new term into the Fantasy Football lexicon: "Throwing a bear into outer space" Defined as: An epic fantasy football performance by a player.

This phrase comes from our post last Saturday about how Renal Failure is a multi-headed hydra of danger and it would take Hercules to slay us. To emphasize this metaphor, I put in a video of Lou Ferrigno as Hercules throwing a bear deep into outer space, as if to say that's the magnitude of effort required to win against us.


My god... it's full of bears...

Well, Tom Brady threw a goddamn family of bears into orbit this week for The Bald Spots, and things looked grim for The People's Champion and their undefeated season. The despair was palpable, as LOBO and UnfinishedPerson could tell you from our chat in the Yahoo! StatTracker chat room (where we determined that watching kitten videos to cheer up is a step in between Depression and Acceptance on the Five Stages of Grief chart). You don't know real Fantasy Football Fear until you watch your 68-point lead fall apart like an epileptic leper right before your eyes in less than a half hour because of one man.

But Renal Failure isn't called The Wild Card for nothing (bitches!).

So how did the Wild Card stare right into the abyss of the worst Fantasy Football nightmare ever (it's like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, except with more screaming) and come out the other side victorious? Mainly because the rest of the Bald Spots roster who was not named Tom Brady only scored 40 points total, which equals the bear-throwing day that Maurice Jones Drew had all by his lonesome.

So dig this and dig it good. Renal Failure got hit with a 60-point day by Tom Brady and still won. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Renal Failure ain't meant to lose! The only thing that can beat Renal Failure is Renal Failure.

Or maybe Totes McGoats (3-3) can this week. Adrian Peterson is quite the orbital bear chucker, I hear.

---Someone once wrote that Renal Failure is the impossibility of reason...

Down goes La Machine! Down Goes La Machine!

In a stunning upset La Machine lost it's first game of the season. The White Strypers may have slayed the dragon but unlike Joe Frazier LaM will win the rematch!

Look out Canuck, you are up next!!! What does that mean for you oh lover of the Bills?



Bad news!!!