"And dig this you assholes, and dig it good. Barnes has been shot seven times and he ain't dead, does that mean anything to you, huh? Barnes ain't meant to die! The only thing that can kill Barnes is Barnes."
That's one of the lines the People's Champion Renal Failure (6-0) remembers most from the movie Platoon. Why did we quote it here? We'll get back to that later...
Right now at this time, the still undefeated Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler of the HBFFL would like to introduce a new term into the Fantasy Football lexicon: "Throwing a bear into outer space" Defined as: An epic fantasy football performance by a player.
This phrase comes from our post last Saturday about how Renal Failure is a multi-headed hydra of danger and it would take Hercules to slay us. To emphasize this metaphor, I put in a video of Lou Ferrigno as Hercules throwing a bear deep into outer space, as if to say that's the magnitude of effort required to win against us.
My god... it's full of bears...
My god... it's full of bears...
Well, Tom Brady threw a goddamn family of bears into orbit this week for The Bald Spots, and things looked grim for The People's Champion and their undefeated season. The despair was palpable, as LOBO and UnfinishedPerson could tell you from our chat in the Yahoo! StatTracker chat room (where we determined that watching kitten videos to cheer up is a step in between Depression and Acceptance on the Five Stages of Grief chart). You don't know real Fantasy Football Fear until you watch your 68-point lead fall apart like an epileptic leper right before your eyes in less than a half hour because of one man.
So how did the Wild Card stare right into the abyss of the worst Fantasy Football nightmare ever (it's like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, except with more screaming) and come out the other side victorious? Mainly because the rest of the Bald Spots roster who was not named Tom Brady only scored 40 points total, which equals the bear-throwing day that Maurice Jones Drew had all by his lonesome.
So dig this and dig it good. Renal Failure got hit with a 60-point day by Tom Brady and still won. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Renal Failure ain't meant to lose! The only thing that can beat Renal Failure is Renal Failure.
Or maybe Totes McGoats (3-3) can this week. Adrian Peterson is quite the orbital bear chucker, I hear.
---Someone once wrote that Renal Failure is the impossibility of reason...
5 comments:
I don't know about anyone else here in the HBFFL, and I hate to admit this, but I'm thinking RF may be the real deal this year after this. What do the rest of you think?
Well first lemmee say this freakin' post is the funniest thing I've read in a long time.
-But regarding UR's question, I'm not counting anything as a done deal yet. I've seen some CRAZY bad breaks this year, and don't really think it limited to any particular teams or timeframes.
Do I think I'm still in? Not likely ... but La Machine and DC are going to be even tougher once this bye-week stuff thins out ... and you can't count out What the Canuck? either.
I still think anything goes.
Don't ever count out La Machine. The team is hard to kill and looking to take opponents to the blood bank!
Hey, I started last season 1-4 and ended it 8-6. Would have been 9-5 and in the playoffs if not for Dallas Clark in that game against the Ramblers.
But then again, no one circles the wagons like Renal Failure.
I, for one, am pulling for you, RF, if just so can't stop hearing about "not counting out La Machine." ;) And to put that cross-dressing Defending Champion in his/her place.
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