Week 10 Preview: Renal Failure vs. La Machine (Round 2)

Lose to Renal Failure... LIKE A BOSS! Swallow sadness... LIKE A BOSS!

The Commissioner of the HBFFL gets another crack at the People's Champion this week. La Machine's Week One loss is better known as the game that earned Renal Failure the nickname The Wild Card (bitches!). Chris wants Week 10 to be known as the game Renal Failure's undefeated streak came to a brutal end.

The People's Champion had some concerns about the People's chances earlier this week when they saw La Machine's RB duo of Ray Rice and Chris Johnson were projected for 26 and 29 points respectively. QB Donovan McNabb is only projected for 21. Really, how many times have you seen two running backs on the same team both with projected scores higher than their starting QB (aside from teams starting Derek Anderson, JaMarcus Russell, or Armless Beiderman of the 1942 Peoria Pudwhackers)?

But Mr. Johnson will now be plying his wares for the Defending Champions, as La Machine exchanged his Johnson for another Johnson, this one named Andre who plays WR for the Houston Texans. We just hope Chris was wearing protection during all this Johnson swapping, because you never know where someone's Johnson has been. Hell, you might not even remember where your Johnson has been. You can pass your Johnson around all town if you want, just be responsible about it. Anyway, we hope we get invited to Joe and Chris's wedding in Iowa.

But Chris can't swing his new Johnson in our faces this week, because Andre is on a bye. However, there's still Ray Rice and the rest of the La Machine squad who as of Thursday night are projected to win 100-94 over Renal Failure. But Renal Failure has fear? A thousand times no! For our Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler bowels are girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung.

That and Renal Failure is known to overperform.

Renal Failure has only underperformed our projected score twice this season (and we still put up 101 points on DefChamp last week). And in the seven games that the People's Champion has exceeded their projections, the lowest margin between actual and projected scores has been seven points. Some quick cocktail napkin calculations tell that Renal Failure is +122 vs. Yahoo! projections for the season. That tells us that Renal Failure knows how to put bears into deep space.


In space, no one can hear you get your head stuck in a honey pot...

But what makes Renal Failure different from all the other bear-chuckers in the HBFFL is that you never know who will be the one on the Renal Roster sending the Country Bear Jamboree out to the Crab Nebula. The Philly Defense in Week One was only projected for 8pts... they gave us 31 and the victory over La Machine. Week Two had Dallas Clark projected for 7pts and he racked up 29, along with Philip Rivers' 39-point day against the Ravens. TJ Houshmandzadeh put up 19 (projected for 8) to help us beat What the Canuck in an otherwise horrible Week Five. In Week Six, Maurice Jones-Drew was projected for 26 and he put up 40 on the Bald Spots to stave off the infamous Tom Brady 60-point day (also that week, Hines Ward put up 26 when he was only projected for 10). Week Seven saw Chad Ochocinco projected for 7 points and quadrupling it for 28.

In other words, The Bearataur will not know whose hand will pull the lever on the People's Bearapult.

As seen on the ceiling of Alex Rodriguez's bedroom...

And La Machine must also worry about underperforming, because Renal Failure is not only the leading scorer in the HBFFL with 985 points, they're also the team that has had the least amount points scored on them (700). Only two teams have reached the 100-point mark against the Wild Card (Bald Spots and Defending Champions both scored 100 on the dot, and 60 of those for the Bald Spots were courtesy of Tom Brady). There's something about Renal Failure that keeps opponents from scoring big, or at least big enough to win. Something we can't perceive as humans. An energy field? Maybe our manly musk? Perhaps even bear powers.


Renal Failure will be the Lizard Queen!

Oh, and if Renal Failure wins this week they clinch a playoff spot, mathematically speaking. But the People know that Renal Failure clinched a playoff spot in their hearts long ago.

---Renal Failure says horrible things all the time. No one asks why.