Friday, November 20, 2009
Week 11 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Predator Press
This happens every week to someone in the HBFFL...
Predator Press steps up this week to take on a Renal Failure squad still grieving the death of their undefeated season. But while there are usually Five Stages of Grief for most people, the People's Champion subscribes to the Irish Stages of Grief, of which there are only two: Drinking and Violent, Irrational Lashing Out.
And we're all out of Jameson's.
Did you know they make a bubblegum vodka now?
LOBO and Predator Press are the unlucky target of the People's ire for Week 11, and they've been busy little bees in PredPress offices as the trade deadline drew near. First PredPress picks up Drew Brees, Jeremy Shockey, and Michael Crabtree from Defending Champions for Ben Roethlisberger, Vernon Davis, and Reggie Wayne. Then LOBO makes a deal with Renal Failure's favorite trading partner The Ramblers, giving up the Minnesota Defense for Tim Hightower to address his weak RB situation.
But what really grinds the people's gears about LOBO's wheeling and dealing is that it forced us to rewrite most of this post. Inconsiderate ass! You think we hammer these reviews out over the course of a bowel movement? Each post is carefully handcrafted, like a piece of Amish furniture. You ever see Amish furniture? It's brilliant. The cockroaches will be sitting in it after the nuclear apocalypse, that's how well made it is.
Now we had tried making a few deals with LOBO earlier in the season that didn't pan out. Maybe we weren't enticing enough. Maybe LOBO was too paranoid to accept a deal from someone who had fleeced The Ramblers in Week 6. Maybe LOBO didn't want to bolster an already dangerous first place team. Who knows? But our manager back at the Renal home office doesn't like it when we can't close deals.
"Kidney dialysis is for closers!"
We wanted to make a deal with Paula and her Googlyeyed Goons for WR Larry Fitzgerald (and it was an awesome deal), but apparently Paula hasn't even logged into Yahoo! in weeks, seeing how she's still starting Owen Daniels at TE and he's been gone for the season for a while. This makes Paula the dead-beat parent of the league, a position held last season by Rickey of the now-defunct Menschwarmers.
But back to the business of the nation... Renal Failure is projected to win 112-84 over Predator Press. Last time we were projected that high we underperformed (vs. DefChamps). Normally we'd think that projection was too high, but Philip Rivers (24pts vs. Denver) is projected in his normal range, as are Ochocinco(7pts vs. Oakland), Hines Ward(9pts vs. Kansas City), and Stephen Jackson (15pts vs. Arizona). Dallas Clark at 10pts may be a little high, but then again he's Dallas Clark and Baltimore's D isn't so scary these days. The Philly Defense is projected for 10 as well, and that seems high until you factor in that they're playing Chicago and Jay Cutler's been giving away interceptions like they're radio station promotional gifts. The only one with an outrageous projection is Maurice Jones-Drew, but he is playing the Buffalo Bills who gave up 45 fantasy points to Chris Johnson last week. Considering MJD knows he owes his fantasy owners for kneeling at the 1-yard line last week, we don't see his 29-point projected score as unfeasible.
But Predator Press is far from dead in the water. LOBO will be depending on Drew Brees to be Drew Brees, and hoping that the running back time share in Arizona doesn't favor Beanie Wells. Brandon Marshall and Sidney Rice are still solid at WR and the opportunistic New Orleans Defense could have a lot of fun with Tampa Bay's rookie quarterback. And who knows how many bad decisions Andy Reid in Philly will make that will bring David Akers onto the field for three points a pop?
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy strongly suggest you start Jay Cutler, LOBO...
A Renal Failure win clinches the People a playoff spot. A Renal Failure win coupled with a La Machine loss clinches us the number one seed (wait, the Wild Card doesn't get into the playoffs as a Wild Card? How deliciously absurd!). A Predator Press win brings them within two games of 1st place Renal Failure and keeps LOBO above the pack of hungry 5-5 and 4-6 teams scrapping for a playoff spot. Or at least it puts him above that 4th place spot, where a return engagement with a wrathful People's Champion is almost certain.
---Renal Failure isn't letting the liquor do the talking. Renal Failure IS the liquor.