I don't want to talk about it. The stars certainly are not aligned to help the nebulous nonames make the fantasy league playoffs after our loss this past weekend - our third straight loss. But like I said: I don't want to talk about it.
Your humbled servant went up against Bourbon Blasters this week. He came away on the wrong end of the biggest blowout of the week. What happened? This happened...
"They call me the breeze"
Breeze? Hell, Monday night this was the weather formation that settled over the New Orleans Super Dome as Brees racked up forty-frakin'-five fantasy points. What the hell do they put in this guy's gatorade?
45 point gale force winds
Yep, Drew wasn't a breeze. He was a god-damn hurricane blowing out the nonames to the tune of 134-92.
The playoffs are now only a remote possibility for the nonames. #1 Purple Drank and #2 Predator Press have already clinched a spot. Bourbon Blasters and Renal Failure are in third and fourth spot respectively as nonames sits at fifth spot with 6-6-0.
4-8-0 Bald Spots is nonames competition Week 13. In Week 14 we're up against 2-9-1 Multiple Scorgasms. Seemingly easy matches for nonames. But as we've seen over the last 3 weeks, just about anything can happen in fantasy football.
Millions and millions of people are always asking me every day, "LOBO, why didn’t you –the chiseled physical phenomenon- step in for the injured Jay Cutler and quarterback for the Chicago Bears?"
Predator Press prepares for the Finnish Inquisition
Well I’m glad you asked me that.
Happy Thanksgiving!
You see the truth is that I did go and try out. But Lovie Smith decided I was too good, and that it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the NFL.
Well that’s what I think he said -it was really hard to hear with Matt Forte bitching that I was hoggin all the touchdowns, and Johnny Knox's incessant complaining that I was passing only to myself.
-And don’t get me started on that pansy Urlacher: "Ouch! You’re hitting me too hard! Wah!"
What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? When it comes to fantasy football it is the fact I am 8-3 and in second place. I could be 6-5.
Flashback to Week Eleven...Monday night...
I'm down by nine with Gronk and NE defense left to play. Bald Spots, my opponent has Brady. That's usually a loss.
Final score? Purple Drank 131, Bald Spots 122.
For the second week in a row my opponent got Gronked and I got two more wins. But my team has also lost both Schaub and Cutler. Purple Drank is currently being led at QB by the likes of Andy Dalton and the newest member of the Kansas City Chiefs Kyle Orton.
This week I face What The Canuck?, a team not doing so well as of late. He's on a three-game slide and Fred Jackson is done for the year.
So I felt bad going with my scheduled secret weapon blatantly hinted at in the post title: Mayhem, from the insurance commercials. It seemed like overkill.
Instead, in Week Twelve my secret weapon is the guy from the Planet Fitness commercial.
Some things seem like a good idea at the time... others not so much...
Renal Failure and Multiple Orgasms made history as the first teams to ever tie in the HBFFL, ending Week 11 in a 92-92 stalemate. This will certainly serve to screw up all future posts about playoff scenarios in the the future weeks, and your People's Champion has no one to blame but themselves for this.
See, we made a trade at the deadline with Multiple Orgasms, sending DeAngelo Williams and the Cincinnati Bengals Defense for Ben Tate and the Houston Texans Defense. The trade wouldn't have gone through in time for Sunday's games without the help of the commissioner and both teams consent, which we gave. If the trade had not gone through in an expedited manner, Mark would have had to have played Marion Barber instead of DeAngelo Williams. Barber had 8 points, Williams had 10. Without this trade, Renal Failure would have gone to 7-4 instead of being an awkward 6-4-1.
This is what a tie feels like. Soccer fans feel like this every day. That's why they lose their shit when someone actually scores.
But we can't put all the blame on our ill-timed trade. We can certainly blame CJ2K for only getting two points vs. the Falcons. We can blame Shady McCoy for not getting into the end zone on his last rush vs. the Giants (three more yards and you were in!). One more receiving yard from Megatron would have given him one more point. Eight more passing yards from Tony Romo and he would have hit the 300-yard mark for five bonus points.
The Renal bench looked exquisite with Marshawn Lynch (14 points), Sidney Rice (11 points), and Michael Crabtree (18 points). This gives us some confidence about our depth in case something happens to our starters, and complements our recent trade nicely. We wanted to upgrade our defense and special teams and we believe Houston will do that in spades. Also Ben Tate is our longshot bet against Arian Foster's health. Yeah, Foster's probably going to make it through the rest of the season unharmed, but if he doesn't we're prepared to capitalize on that opportunity. Call it Contingency Plan T.
On the Multiple Orgasms side, we didn't expect Victor Cruz to put up 23 vs. the Eagles, or Percy Harvin to put up 15 vs. the Raiders. We are fortunate Mark played Aaron Hernandez instead of Tony Gonzalez at TE because Gonzalez would have blown us out of the water with his 13-point day vs. the Titans. Perhaps we should just be grateful we didn't leave Week 11 with a loss.
Any week you can walk away from... and retain full use of everything from the neck down...
So Week 12 brings us a return encounter with Troi and his Future Ex-Cons, who we defeated 91-81 in Week 3. With Bourbon Blasters and Nonames (both 6-5) losing in Week 11, Troi has worked his way back into the playoff picture at 5-6. Unfortunately his gravy train to the postseason ends here, as his top RB Adrian Peterson is likely to miss action with a high ankle sprain. Troi's backup RB is James Sparks, who also injured himself in Week 11. The one healthy RB he has, Frank Gore, has a tough matchup vs. Baltimore. Troi is going to lean heavily on Matt Ryan and Roddy White lighting up the Vikings.
Renal Failure has a lot of good matchups in their favor. Tony Romo and Jason Witten play a pourous Dolphins defense, Shady McCoy is likely to run roughshod over that paper-thin New England D, and it's going to be a shootout with the Lions and the Packers so Megatron is going to have plenty of opportunities to put up big numbers. The Houston D has a great opportunity to slap around the Jaguars and there's always Billy Cundiff striking fear into the hearts of everyone.
Yahoo! has us winning 99-72, but that's with Troi still starting a presumably inactive Adrian Peterson (A.J Green brings the still-losing projected score to 99-79). Yahoo! also had us blowing out Multiple Orgasms too. Wait, let me rephrase that. No, on second thought, we'll let that slide. Point is, we're not trusting Yahoo!, we're trusting our gut and our gut says we're going to 7-4-1 when Week 12 is finished. And on an unrelated point, we plan on being obliviously drunk by the time the Lions/Packers and Cowboys/Dolphins games are done this Thanksgiving.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. It has been said that ties are like kissing your sister. Being an only child, however, this metaphor is sort of lost on us. We've got cousins, though.
There's just something about symmetry that is so soothing. It's like coming full circle. It adds balance and appropriate proportion to one's life...and usually to one's game. You know, like from Rocky Horror Picture Show: "Don't dream it, be it"? Well, no more will the nonames set their sites on symmetry. Why? Because the nonames had a disastrous week because of symmetry. And how did I react to the resulting loss to Unfinished Person?
Exactly!
Now Unfinished Person's a wonderful guy. Top shelf kinda fellow. (Heh, little library joke there.) In fact, he reached out to me in the pre-season and recommended me as a participant in this fantasy league. Probably because he wanted someone to beat. Well, this weekend that prophecy came true as he squeezed out a 72-68 victory over us.
My troubles started Thursday night when, after scoring 1 point, Jet's Shonn Greene was yanked from the game after suffering a 1st quarter injury. He'd been projected to provide 12 fantasy points.
Then, after a sub-par 28 point performance that Mr. Rodgers phoned in, I was still in good shape to face down Unfinished Person's New England Kicker Stephen Gostkowki Monday night with my NE WR Deion Branch. I was confident his projected 8 points would be more than enough to stomp over Unfinished Person and secure a spot in the playoffs.
Now here's where the frakin' symmetry bit my ass. Branch suffered an injury early in the game and was pulled with...you guessed it: 1 point.
Even the Belichick "mind-meld" couldn't
return Branch to the game.
Just to go back to Mr. Rodgers for a moment, he fell one yard shy of a 5-point bonus 300 passing yards. 5 points. What was the margin of UP's win? 4 points. Damn.
Oh hell yes, mofo.
Looking to Week 12 Mr. Rodgers is sure to have a beautiful day in the Detroit neighbourhood Thursday, for which I'll be giving thanks. And our kooky Canadian strategy of having Nickelback play at half time is sure to upset Detroit's defence. After all, how offensive can you get?
So, we'll regroup after 2 losses in a row, consider this week's match-up with the Bourbon Blasters, tied with me for fourth - I'm technically 5th but tied for fourth sounds so much better - and rethink our dedication to symmetry.
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
With Michael Vick out, I couldn't have done things much differently than I did as I played Vince Young instead and escaped with a 72-68 win over Nonames.
I do have to give a special shout-out to New England kicker Stephen Gostkowski for his 10 points which allowed me to come back for the win...
...and an extra special shout-out to my opponent's quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, for only getting to 299 yards passing.
photo courtesy of Chris Garrison via Flickr
Who's smiling now? Um, yeah, me. Thanks A-Rod.
In our league, if a quarterback gets to 300, he gets five extra fantasy points. At first, on Yahoo StatTracker, that yard appeared and the extra five points and then suddenly it was gone!
Like the Eagles, I might not be in playoff contention, but I'm sure not going to make it fun for my opponents along the way and see if I can knock them off their horses ready to ride into the winner's circle. After I'm done, maybe not so much.
This week's secret weapon is one of the most ass-kicking people in a hit tv show about the distant past. But as usual, more on that later...
Unfinished Person needed a win to keep their playoff hopes alive and were looking good with a six-point lead and Jennings on MNF. But Gronk was happy to disappoint, with 28 freaking fantasy points.
So this week I face the intimidating Bald Spots. And I brought in the most intimidating ever, badass fictional character ever for this one.
Yup, none other than Taylor, the kickass leader on the show Terra Nova. That picture was taken right before the moment he stared down a giant lizard dinosaur with just that torch and a knife. Last week, the guy deflected a meteor blast with his chest.
Taylor's tears could cure cancer. But he never cries. And he helps me beat Bald Spots this week.
Yeah, it's kinda like that in my other fantasy football league this week. I have major bye issues. Look at this hot mess I'm fielding:
I got Decker in there (being covered by Revis most likely), and Chris Oingo Boingo as one of the running backs. I'm gonna need some weird science to pull out a win this week.
Not even the hotness of Kelly LeBrock could help me. (She could console me in my bed after my loss Sunday though. #kellylebrockholdme.)
I will probably pick up a wide receiver to replace a potentially-scratched Dan Thomas at the Flex spot. Got some real winners like David Baldwin, Steve Decker, and David Nelson on the WW.
It takes a team effort to win in this league... and nice legs...
Out of the HBFFL members who have been with the league since its inception, the one with the best record against Renal Failure is Joe O. who has gone 4-1 against your People's Champion going back to when he was masquerading as his wife.
Make that 4-2 as Renal Failure scored a critical 97-93 victory in Week 11 over Joe's Bourbon Blasters. CJ2K woke up from his season-long slumber for a 28-point day. Tony Romo got most of his 27 points in the first half vs. Buffalo, unfortunately not throwing much to Jason Witten (3pts). And Brandon Lloyd put up 10 points, continuing his steady scoring ways since going to the Rams.
Note: Marshawn Lynch put up a huge 26 points on our bench. Is Beast Mode getting activated just before the trade deadline? Who wants to make us a deal for a hot RB?
You gotta be hungry to win in this league... and a nice rack don't hurt either...
But Week 11 had disappointing performances all over the damn place. LeSean McCoy's 15 points was way under his projected 26 (and we blame Andy Reid for abandoning the run for that). The Jets D took the night off, as did Billy Fucking Cundiff. Even Megatron disappointed us with a 7-point night, although he did outscore both of Joe's receivers combined (Dwayne Bowe and Wes Welker, 5 total points between them, total disappointments there).
Joe's team had some good performances, just not enough of them to pull out the victory. Joe listened to our advice from last week and pulled Beanie Wells for Reggie Bush. Bush responded with 15 points to Wells' 6. But Joe didn't listen to our notion that Stephen Jackson would have a hard game against the Browns, keeping SJax in the lineup and watching him rumble for a big 18 point day. And Drew Brees did indeed score more points than Shady McCoy, the complete opposite of what we hypothesized in last week's column, putting up 29. Even Joe's kicker Jon Kasay had a big 15-point day, aided by the Saints and Falcons going into overtime. It just wasn't enough for the Blasters to overcome Renal Failure's balanced attack, or our tendency of getting 90 percent of our prognostications wrong.
We wish our mistakes could look this cool...
Week 11 brings a return encounter with Multiple Scorgasms, who recorded their first win of the year over What the Canuck? to get to 1-9 (and ensure that they can only tie the worst record in HBFFL history, held by Bex's Battling Butterflies in 2010). Now that Mark's team finally has a taste of victory, it's all they crave. Unfortunately Multiple Scorgasms doesn't seem to have enough firepower to make it two-in-a-row at Renal Failure's expense. Phillip Rivers is playing a tough Chicago defense. Rashard Mendenhall is on a bye week, so is Ben Tate, meaning Mark needs to hit the waiver wire or make a quick trade for RB for this week's game because he's got no one else on his barren bench. No one else strikes us as particularly dangerous. Maybe Santonio Holmes cranks it up vs. the Broncos, or perhaps Victor Cruz gets the lion's share of targets vs. the Eagles instead of the other Giants receivers, but Aaron Hernandez is getting pushed aside for Rob Gronkowski and the Eagles D doesn't scare anyone.
As of this posting. Renal Failure is projected to win 87-59 but we expect the People's Champ to score more than that. Tony Romo and Jason Witten have favorable matchups against the Redskins. Megatron will be pulling down balls all day against the Panthers. Shady McCoy will bring it against the Giants. CJ2K wants to show everyone last week was no fluke. Brandon Lloyd is finding his old productive form again. Plus, as always, Billy Fucking Cundiff.
A seventh win will put the People in a great position as the playoff race congeals for the final weeks of the regular season. Predator Press (8-2) and Purple Drank (7-3) have prime seating for this stretch run. What the Canuck? and Unfinished Person (4-6) are fading from contention with their two-game losing streaks. This leaves NoNames, Bourbon Blasters, and Renal Failure at 6-4 as the main combatants for those final two playoff spots. It's a good thing Renal Failure is a second-half team because we're going to need every last victory to defeat the trend of HBFFL champions failing to make the playoffs the following year.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We always schedule our team meetings for 4 in the afternoon so we never oversleep. Also, our team meetings are at a bar, so it's happy hour too. Half-off draft beers and 5-dollar margaritas...
Gratuitous chick pic to help illustrate this post.
Week 10 is over...and we move on. Our intrepid nonames actually had a name this week and it was LOSER. Paired with Predator Press we were favoured to win the week. But our slide into defeat began early with the Thursday night game. PP emerged with 34 points thanks to Oakland's Michael Bush versus NN's 6 from the Chargers' Mike Tolbert.
Sunday's games didn't go much better for the NNs with Arian Foster responsible for a whopping 37 points for PP.
Arizona's Larry Fitzgerald was the highest nonames point picker, plucking 31 pigskin points. However heading into Monday night Predator Press had a lead of over 30 points.
Could my main man, Mr Rodgers, rise to the occasion? Are you kidding, he's Aaron fuckin' Rodgers. But I couldn't watch and when I woke up Tuesday morning I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Funnily enough it was gone after I went to the bathroom.
I checked the scores and learned that it wasn't a beautiful day in the neighbourhood as Mr. Rodgers had under-performed racking up only 30 of a projected 35 fantasy points.
The worst of it all was my decision to play Buffalo at Defense. Points? 0 And I left Chicago's Defence on my bench. Points? 32.
To add insult to injury PP manager LOBO won the biggest blowout of the week award with his 123-105 victory.
But I'll have my revenge. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has given Chad Kroeger his set list for Nickelback's Turkey Day in Detroit half-time hootenanny. Yeah, take that Americans.
"Why don't you guys start with 'Burn It To The Ground'.
It'll remind them how we burned the White House in the War of 1812."
So entering Week 11 Predator Press's win keeps him in 1st place. Purple Drank who I beat last week slips into 2nd place and my nonames share a three-way tie for third (technically 4th place) with the Bourbon Blasters and Renal Failure.
And this week I play Unfinished Person. But after last week's loss in what I thought would be an easy win I've decided to change my ways and not engage in cheap, boast-filled, spiteful and hurtful trash talk. Nope. I'm gonna let my man Mr. Rodgers do the talking.
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
Playing Purple Drank, I should have known better to drink any drank Sunday morning, but I did...I drank the drink some of the talking sports heads, namely over at Yahoo Fantasy Live, were pouring about the Eagles, as perhaps some of you also did. As a result, I lost to Drank by a score of 107 to 94.
Specifically, I guzzled the green concoction about DeSean Jackson being declared inactive for Sunday afternoon's game against the Arizona Cardinals, and how others would benefit: namely Jason Avant and Brent Celek. Immediately, I placed them in starting positions alongside quarterback Michael Vick. I mean, I had Tim Tebow on the bench. I couldn't have a prayer with him, could I? It's like he has some kind of inside track with God, right?
original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me
True, Celek had 5 fantasy points to Owen Daniels' 3 on the bench, but still I expected more...like at least a touchdown against the putrid Arizona Cardinals. However, Avant was the one who really disappointed with his 0 fantasy points and not to be left out of any of this was Vick who ended the afternoon with 9 fantasy points where he was projected to have 23 by Yahoo (of course, dude had a legitimate excuse with two broken ribs).
...and at least, Avant almost got a touchdown, but as everyone knows almost doesn't count in football and tiddlywinks (okay, almost might count in tiddlywinks, but I'll leave that for the North American Tiddlywinks Association to decide). I should have just gone with the Saints' Marques Colston, who has been solid, if not inspiring. Even though he or a ball he was carrying didn't cross the goal line or the pylon, he still managed 16 fantasy points on eight grabs for 113 yards -- and, to boot, his team won.
All this might, just might, have been avoided if DeSean Jackon had gone to a special teams practice on Saturday. That was the reason he was declared inactive. However, if anything Philadelphia fans have learned over the years, it is this: Practice? It's no big deal. After all, it's not a game.
I've got an extra special secret weapon for The Unfinished One this week. And "Finnish" is not a typo. But more on that in a bit...
Nonames talked the talk and walked the walk, beating me last week 95-83. But you would have thought he won the championship by the way he enjoyed the victory:
"So the nonames slipped past Mr. Musta Drank the Purple Kool-Aid into third place and my nemesis PD - what? can't be - slipped to fourth."
(Side note: Kyle Oseph is available on the waiver wire.)
So this week I face Unfinished Person of Interest. Yeah he is 4-5 but none the less I have pulled out a secret weapon unlike any other I have used in the past...
That's right. I am sending the Finnish Inquisition to taunt Unfinished Whatever into submission. Frankly, I have no idea why they are in scuba gear. Finnish people are weird.
On Thanksgiving, at half-time of the Detroit Lions-Green Bay Packers game, this abomination of a group (and to boot, they're Canadian! get the fuck out of here, eh?) will perform:
photo courtesy of Daniel F. Pigatto on Flickr
At least, one Michigan resident said, "Hell to the NO!" (rumored to be the name of Nickelback's next big album because if anything, they're known for their ways of picking up on cliches and turning them into shit that sells) and put up an online petition that garnered more than 50,000 votes. However, the Lions still are allowing these Canadian posers to play.
And it's not as if Detroit doesn't have some of its own musicians that kick ass (actual ass and not lame ass as with Chad and the crew): Ted "The Motor City Madman" Nugent , Alice Cooper, The White Stripes, Kid Rock -- even Eminem, who at least grew up there, for Dr. Dre's sake.
My vote is for Alice Cooper because even when he's visiting another city, he knows its history:
Can you imagine Chad lecturing anyone on...I don't know...anything?
Plus the Detroit dude could write some trenchant lyrics like this:
Fantasy Football is hard... why's it gotta be so hard?
LOBO got his revenge for losing to us in last year's championship game with the biggest blow out of Week 9, 142-89. Julio Jones threw a 35-point bear into orbit, Ben Roethlisberger took 24 points and a frightened co-ed into a night club restroom, and Arian Foster blew up for 25 points. Renal Failure was missing Megatron on a bye week, but it wouldn't have mattered. CJ2K is slowly improving, getting a 10-point day. Jason Witten over-performed with 13 points. Shady McCoy underperformed with 17 points. Tony Romo and Brandon Lloyd got exactly what they were projected for with 22 and 8 respectively.
Note: Our experiment of picking whatever defense was playing against Tim Tebow failed, as Oakland didn't do shit against
This shoves Renal Failure into sole possession of 5th place in the HBFFL at 5-4, two games behind 1st place Predator Press and one game behind the 6-3 logjam of Purple Drank, NoNames, and Bourbon Blasters. So your People's Champ is on the outside looking in, but is still poised to make a run for the playoffs.
Do not try to run game on Renal Failure...
So Bourbon Blasters is back on the Renal Failure docket. Week One saw Joe's squad beat us 122-106, most of those points coming from Wes Welker throwing a 35-point bear into space, but that was before we had Megatron on the Renal Roster. True, Joe's now coming at us with Antonio Gates rather than Jermichael Finley at TE, but that's a slighter upgrade than our switching out Mario Manningham for Mighty Megatron.
Both squads are clear of any bye week absences, so it's going to be a pure battle of lineup strength. Yahoo! says Renal Failure wins 103-96, the bulk of Renal Failure's score from Shady McCoy's 27-projected points against a weak Arizona Cardinals team. Much of Joe's score is predicated on Drew Brees' 28-projected points vs. Atlanta. We're thinking McCoy has a better chance of hitting 27pts than Brees as the Eagles are going to be looking to slap around someone after their embarrassing loss to Chicago last Monday.
The Nozzle is calibrating our team to beat Joe's Bourbon Blasters... please remain still...
Joe's RB corps is facing an uphill battle. SJax is going against a tough Cleveland run defense, and if Arizona falls behind early to Philly Beanie Wells won't be seeing a lot of runs. They may do worse than the slowly improving CJ2K. Dwayne Bowe will probably get his 11 and more against Denver, but Welker is likely to be put on Reavis Island in Week 10. For Renal Failure Tony Romo has been a steady performer, Jason Witten overperforms, and Billy Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff. This might not be a good week for Joe.
Another Renal Failure loss puts the playoffs in jeopardy. The way things are going, 8 wins are not going to be enough to get in, and 9 might not cut it either.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We were going to watch Sunday's games over at Joe Paterno's house, but we get the feeling he's not going to be in the mood for taco dip.
About the only thing that happened more than my man Rodgers connecting with 4 different receivers for four touchdowns last week was the number of times the Green Bay towel guy dried off Mr. Rodgers helmet. Rodgers and his Riders On The Storm went up against the Chargers in a downpour. But pouring rain and and lightening bolts couldn't dampen a beautiful day in Mr. Rodgers' neighbourhood. He racked up 33 fantasy points.
Hey, don't touch the helmet. The towel guy just wiped it down.
My opponent last week was Purple Drank. You know him...the robot guy? Yeah, after Sunday afternoon I was whupping him. At the end of Sunday night, he'd pulled a point ahead of me. But in a duel of kickers Monday night my Robbie Gould of Chicago kicked more than twice the 6 points his Alex Henery of Philadelphia could muster giving me the week's win of 95-83.
Mr. 13 Points.
So the nonames slipped past Mr. Musta Drank the Purple Kool-Aid into third place and my nemesis PD - what? can't be - slipped to fourth. Predator Press remains in first spot followed by Bourban Blasters. Watch out guys. And all I can say is do bad news bears shit in the woods? You bet. Just before they throw a cheerleader into outer space.
Next week's victim? Predator Press who Yahoo Sports is already predicting will go down to defeat. You gotta love this game.
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
Example No. 1: Julio Jones. His legal name is Quintorris Lopez Jones, with Quintorris meaning "gladiator," and that he was on Sunday as he went off on three passes for 131 yards and two touchdowns, the first two in his career, and a total of 37 fantasy points. Dude, better known as JLo to his close friends, was coming off a hamstring injury and if you had him on your bench this past weekend, you didn't have a fighting chance.
Example No. 2, and more importantly (well, to me anyway as he was sitting on my bench as I lost 83-69 to Future Ex-Cons), Willis McGahee or Willis Andrew McGahee III, if you're nasty. Like Jones, McGahee also tallied a pair of touchdowns but on 20 carries for 163 yards. He had 35 fantasy points. His injury? A broken right hand or what doctors call "a boxer's fracture."
So based on my own advice, in week 10, I will be playing both Felix Jones (high ankle sprain) and Jahvid Best (concussion) off of my bench and I will crush Purple Drank like a pop can.
You can go for my underarm, Purple Drank. I will go for the jaw.
11 equals one better this week. Well, a tie for one better as Julio Jones and Vincent "Johnny Come Lately" Jackson both had the most fantasy points in Week Nine.
Being a trash talker myself I enjoy taking on someone who does a lot of it. But more on that in a moment...time for a quick recap of Week Eight...
If it were not for the fact I got beat by a basement team last week, a.k.a. Troi and his 2-5 Future Ex-Cons I would just skip ahead to the Week Nine battle between my 6-2 Purple Drank and nonames' 5-3 upstart squad.
But I need to give credit where it is due. Congrats Ex-Cons for being one of two teams to beat me so far this season. Unfortunately, all your win does is lead you to believe you have a shot at the playoffs. It is kinda like thinking a nerd can land the hot chick.
Yeah, that only happens in the movies, much like thinking a team that is 3-5 can make the playoffs.
Exactly.
So anyways, after my 1-1 trip through the basement in Weeks 7-8 it is the aforementioned battle between myself and nonames, a team that talks as much trash as I do. He might even talk more shit than Renal Failure does. No small feat, I might add.
And this weekend I get to silence the loose-lipped nonames. Am I concerned that he has Aaron Rodgers back in action? Do I think he can beat me?
Yeah, and I'm a robot.
And like many times in the past I am bringing out the secret weapons. In this go-around I am employing the sycophants of the Occupy Wall Street Movement to protest nonames' team in the hopes it will wither under the pressure.
And like always this can only mean one thing for nonames...
Outside, the November wind blows cold under the gunmetal grey skies. Whipping up leaves and tearing through corners and crevasses, it howls and mourns distinctly through the windows,
“LOOOOBOOOO, Renal Failuuuure might ruuuin your riiightfuuuul place in NFL history this weeeeek! And the miiilk in your fridge has expiiiired. Have you caalllled your mother reeeecently ... ?”
In a reflexive move to block out the haunting sounds, I flip my trench coat collar up as if it were cold. Sighing in resolve, I return to my desk and start poring over the Week 9 projections.
But the taunting is as inescapable as it is relentless.
"Darren McGriddles and Peyton Hilliiiis are faaking injuuuries this week becaause Kiim Kardashian is newly siiingle. And you need a haaaircuuut because you look like a hippie, and you are far too violent and greedy too be a hippiiieee and this is not 1968 anymooore. Bye the waaay, Christopher Columbus did not discover Indianapolis. And when are you going to mow this laaaaaaawwwnnnnn ... ?”
“Silence!” I shriek, face alight in the cool, lifeless blue of my computer screen. “What do you know about hair, except how to screw it up? And where were you when I was trying to fly all those kites!?”
Still, my mighty eyebrows furrow as I realize there’s no escaping the truth. Facts are facts: that milk has gotta be rancid by now. Why do I always buy it by the gallon? I only use it for cooking. But a half gallon of milk is only a dollar less than a gallon. And how do I know about the Christopher Columbus thing for sure? I'm sure as hell not going to Indianapolis. Do you know what it's like going around the Cape of Good Hope at this time of year?
I scroll down RF's Week 9 lineup.
Brandon Lloyd. Sidney Rice. Lesean McCoy.
-Billy fucking Cundiff!
I shudder.
There’s no getting around it. I’ve only got one chance this week.
Science.
I invented this after RF won the whole HBFFL enchilada last year: one line goes to the game, and another other goes to the TV. Then you plug in an ant. (That plug doesn’t really do anything ... I just hate ants.)
Starting the 2nd half of the HBFFL season as only Renal Failure can...
Week 8 saw HBFFL rookie nonamedufus and his NoNames come into the People's House, expecting to keep on their winning ways. Instead they witnessed firsthand why Renal Failure is the People's Champion, the Defending Champion, the Wild Card of Fantasy Football, and the most dangerous team in the HBFFL. It's a lesson every team eventually learns, some sooner than others, some less harshly than the 124-63 beatdown handed down by the People's Champ.
Granted, Nonames was without Aaron Rodgers because of a bye week, but the margin of victory suggests he wouldn't have been much of a factor anyway. His biggest performer was the Buffalo defense, outscoring backup QB Matt Cassel 15 to 13. Everyone else in the starting lineup had single-digit days. Larry Fitzgerald got smothered by the Ravens. Hakeem Nicks left the Giants/Dolphins game with an injury, and the league's top TE Jimmy Graham had an bad day against the Rams (as did the rest of the Saints). The HBFFL's second highest-scoring team had a power outage, like many homes in the northeast after the freak October snowstorm this past weekend.
It was bad news for the top three teams of the HBFFL in Week 8...
LeSean McCoy and Megatron blew up for big bear-in-orbit points this week (36 and 25 respectively), covering up the dismal performances and CJ2K (4pts), Jason Witten (2pts), and Tony Romo (14pts). Brandon Lloyd returned to his 2010 form with a decent day against the Saints (11pts). Our choice in the Cincinnati defense paid off huge (20pts), and Billy Fucking Cundiff remains Billy Fucking Cundiff (12pts).
CJ2K continues to severely underperform, but he's CJ2K. The man knows how to throw a bear into space. He's proven it many times since the HBFFL came into being. We're not going to say he's due for a 40-point game, but he's healthy, he's young, and he's got far too much talent to wallow in the low numbers he's put up so far. This cannot last, because if it does we're going to be forced to question these so-called laws of physics and nature. A universe where DeMarco Murray is scoring more points than CJ2K is a universe gone completely tits-up bonkers. What kind of deity would allow such madness to exist?
The existence of Tim Tebow is the 2nd strongest indictment against the viability of college football as an actual sport, next to the BCS system. That Tim Tebow actually starts in the NFL is compelling evidence that either there is no God or that God is a cruel and malevolent asshole who likes fucking with people and thus is unworthy of your devotion.
Week 9 sees Predator Press return for a rematch of the 2010 HBFFL championship game. Renal Failure will be without mighty Megatron, leaving us to play Sidney Rice. Since Seattle always plays from behind there's a decent chance he'll get some good numbers. Not Megatron numbers, but decent ones nonetheless. LOBO will hope to have Darren McFadden in his lineup to complement the healthy Arian Foster for the monstrous one-two RB punch Renal Failure wanted to have with Shady McCoy and CJ2K. Tony Romo has a better match up than Ben Roethlisberger, but in the end it may come down to a battle of tight ends, Jason Witten vs. Jermichael Finley. And if they tie, then we're winning with Billy Fucking Cundiff.
As of Wednesday, Yahoo! projects a 98-95 victory for LOBO, and that doesn't bode well for your People's Champion. Only once this season has Renal Failure been projected to lose, and they did so against Unfinished Rambler or Person or whatever he's going with these days. But if Renal Failure wants to defy the ghosts of HBFFL past dictating that the previous year's champion misses the playoffs, they'll have to break some trends. But that's why they call us The Wild Card (bitches!), because anything is possible when Renal Failure steps onto the field of battle.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. When life gets you down, take pride that you are not Tim Tebow. Or Philip Rivers. Or Michael Vick's pet bird. It helps put things in perspective, and makes you put down that straight razor.
What happens when your Quarter Back (ass-kickin' Aaron Rodgers), a Running Back (Shonn Greene), your two Kickers and your Defence are all on a bye-week? This happens...
That's right Battlestar Galactica fans. A frakin' train wreck.
There I was in week 7 minding my own business, slipping up into third place when week 8 comes along pitting me against "your 2010 HBFFL Champion" Renal Failure and a couple of point magnets called LeSean McCoy (36 pts) and Calvin "Megatron" Johnson (25 pts) who, by the end of Sunday night had racked up more points between them than my whole team. What the frak?
Going into week 8 Purple Drank and Predator Press were tied for first with a 6-1-0. My, until then, mighty nonames were next with a 5-2-0.
The only upside for me in week 8 is that Purple Drank and Predator Press both went down to defeat. Aw, that was a shame.
But it didn't help me. My Rodgers replacement, Matt Cassell, was a day late and a nickel short with his meagre 13 points Monday night and now Mr. Renal Failure's doing the biggest blow-out boogaloo.
So after Purple Drank and Predator Press are tied for first at 6-2-0 this week second place is getting a little crowded with Bourbon Blasters, Renal Failure and my nonames at 5-3-0.
Next week Aaron Rodgers is back among the fold. And he goes up against the indomitable (he likes to think) Purple Drank. Look out PD. I've got you in my sights.
