Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Week 12: And I Know It's My Own Damn Fault

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

Some things seem like a good idea at the time... others not so much...

Renal Failure and Multiple Orgasms made history as the first teams to ever tie in the HBFFL, ending Week 11 in a 92-92 stalemate. This will certainly serve to screw up all future posts about playoff scenarios in the the future weeks, and your People's Champion has no one to blame but themselves for this.

See, we made a trade at the deadline with Multiple Orgasms, sending DeAngelo Williams and the Cincinnati Bengals Defense for Ben Tate and the Houston Texans Defense. The trade wouldn't have gone through in time for Sunday's games without the help of the commissioner and both teams consent, which we gave. If the trade had not gone through in an expedited manner, Mark would have had to have played Marion Barber instead of DeAngelo Williams. Barber had 8 points, Williams had 10. Without this trade, Renal Failure would have gone to 7-4 instead of being an awkward 6-4-1.

This is what a tie feels like. Soccer fans feel like this every day. That's why they lose their shit when someone actually scores.

But we can't put all the blame on our ill-timed trade. We can certainly blame CJ2K for only getting two points vs. the Falcons. We can blame Shady McCoy for not getting into the end zone on his last rush vs. the Giants (three more yards and you were in!). One more receiving yard from Megatron would have given him one more point. Eight more passing yards from Tony Romo and he would have hit the 300-yard mark for five bonus points.

The Renal bench looked exquisite with Marshawn Lynch (14 points), Sidney Rice (11 points), and Michael Crabtree (18 points). This gives us some confidence about our depth in case something happens to our starters, and complements our recent trade nicely. We wanted to upgrade our defense and special teams and we believe Houston will do that in spades. Also Ben Tate is our longshot bet against Arian Foster's health. Yeah, Foster's probably going to make it through the rest of the season unharmed, but if he doesn't we're prepared to capitalize on that opportunity. Call it Contingency Plan T.

On the Multiple Orgasms side, we didn't expect Victor Cruz to put up 23 vs. the Eagles, or Percy Harvin to put up 15 vs. the Raiders. We are fortunate Mark played Aaron Hernandez instead of Tony Gonzalez at TE because Gonzalez would have blown us out of the water with his 13-point day vs. the Titans. Perhaps we should just be grateful we didn't leave Week 11 with a loss.

Any week you can walk away from... and retain full use of everything from the neck down...

So Week 12 brings us a return encounter with Troi and his Future Ex-Cons, who we defeated 91-81 in Week 3. With Bourbon Blasters and Nonames (both 6-5) losing in Week 11, Troi has worked his way back into the playoff picture at 5-6. Unfortunately his gravy train to the postseason ends here, as his top RB Adrian Peterson is likely to miss action with a high ankle sprain. Troi's backup RB is James Sparks, who also injured himself in Week 11. The one healthy RB he has, Frank Gore, has a tough matchup vs. Baltimore. Troi is going to lean heavily on Matt Ryan and Roddy White lighting up the Vikings.

Renal Failure has a lot of good matchups in their favor. Tony Romo and Jason Witten play a pourous Dolphins defense, Shady McCoy is likely to run roughshod over that paper-thin New England D, and it's going to be a shootout with the Lions and the Packers so Megatron is going to have plenty of opportunities to put up big numbers. The Houston D has a great opportunity to slap around the Jaguars and there's always Billy Cundiff striking fear into the hearts of everyone.

Yahoo! has us winning 99-72, but that's with Troi still starting a presumably inactive Adrian Peterson (A.J Green brings the still-losing projected score to 99-79). Yahoo! also had us blowing out Multiple Orgasms too. Wait, let me rephrase that. No, on second thought, we'll let that slide. Point is, we're not trusting Yahoo!, we're trusting our gut and our gut says we're going to 7-4-1 when Week 12 is finished. And on an unrelated point, we plan on being obliviously drunk by the time the Lions/Packers and Cowboys/Dolphins games are done this Thanksgiving.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. It has been said that ties are like kissing your sister. Being an only child, however, this metaphor is sort of lost on us. We've got cousins, though.


LOBO said...

"Yahoo! also had us blowing out Multiple Orgasms too. Wait, let me rephrase that. No, on second thought, we'll let that slide."

-That almost made me laugh as much as the snufxx wrestling video.

But that guy wrestling was the Pred Press CB in 2009. And he too succumbed to the Pop Rocks pandemic ...

Chris C said...

The irony is interesting...a tie game means none of the tiebreakers matter to your team.

Congrats on the first tie by the way.

LOBO said...

The grape wrappers and purple teeth scattered all over the mat should be a dead giveaway ...