Don't Cry For Me Argentina -You Are Making Us All Look Like Whiny Bitches

FEEL the agony.
Seriously.
Feel it.

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.

-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.

I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:


#1) Adrian Peterson

In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.

Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?

#2) Pope Francis

Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.

-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.


#3) Al Gore

For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.


#4) Rebecca Black




Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.

-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.


#5) Unfinished Rambler

Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.

(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)

#6) Hurricane Katrina

I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.

***

This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth.  Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year.  So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.

-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?

Why UnFinnished Rambler Needs a TV

Predator Press

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: What a difference a yard makes

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

With Michael Vick out, I couldn't have done things much differently than I did as I played Vince Young instead and escaped with a 72-68 win over Nonames.

I do have to give a special shout-out to New England kicker Stephen Gostkowski for his 10 points which allowed me to come back for the win...

...and an extra special shout-out to my opponent's quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, for only getting to 299 yards passing.

 

photo courtesy of Chris Garrison via Flickr 

Who's smiling now? Um, yeah, me. Thanks A-Rod.

In our league, if a quarterback gets to 300, he gets five extra fantasy points. At first, on Yahoo StatTracker, that yard appeared and the extra five points and then suddenly it was gone!

Like the Eagles, I might not be in playoff contention, but I'm sure not going to make it fun for my opponents along the way and see if I can knock them off their horses ready to ride into the winner's circle. After I'm done, maybe not so much.

A yard? A yard? My kingdom for a yard!

Purple Drank Will Wipe Spots With BC Asskickery

This week's secret weapon is one of the most ass-kicking people in a hit tv show about the distant past. But as usual, more on that later...

Unfinished Person needed a win to keep their playoff hopes alive and were looking good with a six-point lead and Jennings on MNF. But Gronk was happy to disappoint, with 28 freaking fantasy points.

So this week I face the intimidating Bald Spots. And I brought in the most intimidating ever, badass fictional character ever for this one.

Yup, none other than Taylor, the kickass leader on the show Terra Nova. That picture was taken right before the moment he stared down a giant lizard dinosaur with just that torch and a knife. Last week, the guy deflected a meteor blast with his chest.

Taylor's tears could cure cancer. But he never cries. And he helps me beat Bald Spots this week.

Shuffling Off To Buffalo A Bad Idea

by nonamedufus

Gratuitous chick pic to help illustrate this post.

Week 10 is over...and we move on. Our intrepid nonames actually had a name this week and it was LOSER. Paired with Predator Press we were favoured to win the week. But our slide into defeat began early with the Thursday night game. PP emerged with 34 points thanks to Oakland's Michael Bush versus NN's 6 from the Chargers' Mike Tolbert.

Sunday's games didn't go much better for the NNs with Arian Foster responsible for a whopping 37 points for PP.

Arizona's Larry Fitzgerald was the highest nonames point picker, plucking 31 pigskin points. However heading into Monday night Predator Press had a lead of over 30 points.

Could my main man, Mr Rodgers, rise to the occasion? Are you kidding, he's Aaron fuckin' Rodgers. But I couldn't watch and when I woke up Tuesday morning I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Funnily enough it was gone after I went to the bathroom.

I checked the scores and learned that it wasn't a beautiful day in the neighbourhood as Mr. Rodgers had under-performed racking up only 30 of a projected 35 fantasy points.

The worst of it all was my decision to play Buffalo at Defense. Points? 0 And I left Chicago's Defence on my bench. Points? 32.

To add insult to injury PP manager LOBO won the biggest blowout of the week award with his 123-105 victory.

But I'll have my revenge. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has given Chad Kroeger his set list for Nickelback's Turkey Day in Detroit half-time hootenanny. Yeah, take that Americans.

"Why don't you guys start with 'Burn It To The Ground'.

It'll remind them how we burned the White House in the War of 1812."

So entering Week 11 Predator Press's win keeps him in 1st place. Purple Drank who I beat last week slips into 2nd place and my nonames share a three-way tie for third (technically 4th place) with the Bourbon Blasters and Renal Failure.

And this week I play Unfinished Person. But after last week's loss in what I thought would be an easy win I've decided to change my ways and not engage in cheap, boast-filled, spiteful and hurtful trash talk. Nope. I'm gonna let my man Mr. Rodgers do the talking.

Hey UP!

Purple Drank Will Finnish the Unfinished

I've got an extra special secret weapon for The Unfinished One this week. And "Finnish" is not a typo. But more on that in a bit...

Nonames talked the talk and walked the walk, beating me last week 95-83. But you would have thought he won the championship by the way he enjoyed the victory:

"So the nonames slipped past Mr. Musta Drank the Purple Kool-Aid into third place and my nemesis PD - what? can't be - slipped to fourth."

Next thing you know nonames will be requesting Nickelback play the halftime show at the HBFFL Humor Bowl 2012.



(Side note: Kyle Oseph is available on the waiver wire.)

So this week I face Unfinished Person of Interest. Yeah he is 4-5 but none the less I have pulled out a secret weapon unlike any other I have used in the past...

That's right. I am sending the Finnish Inquisition to taunt Unfinished Whatever into submission. Frankly, I have no idea why they are in scuba gear. Finnish people are weird.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Play the gimp

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

Last week, my advice was to play a defense that has no chance in hell of scoring any points to get yourself to a win. This week, my advice is just as trenchant: play the gimp.

Example No. 1: Julio Jones. His legal name is Quintorris Lopez Jones, with Quintorris meaning "gladiator," and that he was on Sunday as he went off on three passes for 131 yards and two touchdowns, the first two in his career, and a total of 37 fantasy points. Dude, better known as JLo to his close friends, was coming off a hamstring injury and if you had him on your bench this past weekend, you didn't have a fighting chance.

Example No. 2, and more importantly (well, to me anyway as he was sitting on my bench as I lost 83-69 to Future Ex-Cons), Willis McGahee or Willis Andrew McGahee III, if you're nasty. Like Jones, McGahee also tallied a pair of touchdowns but on 20 carries for 163 yards. He had 35 fantasy points. His injury? A broken right hand or what doctors call "a boxer's fracture."

So based on my own advice, in week 10, I will be playing both Felix Jones (high ankle sprain) and Jahvid Best (concussion) off of my bench and I will crush Purple Drank like a pop can.

You can go for my underarm, Purple Drank. I will go for the jaw.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Countin' when the dealin's done

With Michael Vick on his bye week and Maurice Jones-Drew playing the highly-touted Ravens D, that's who I was this week: The Gambler.

I swallowed the fantasy football hype on Tim Tebow and DeMarco Murray hook, line and sinker, and I'm glad I did. I counted 125 points to Bourbon Blaster's 106 points, with a large portion of his points coming from  Drew "The No-Gamble" Brees.

My only error: I jumped on the Torain Train (perhaps a little too early, now with Tim Hightower out), who scored a whopping 0 points. MJD actually had 14 fantasy points and would have been the better play in the flex position.

So what's funny about this post? So far, nothing...

...except maybe for the name DeMarco.

Or how about Tebow?

Tea Bow? Tea Bough? Tee Bo, like Tae Bo? Which brings me in a roundabout way (thanks to a Google image search for Tae Bo) to something Mr. Tebow, being the über-Christian he is, probably has used in his workout routines since his homeschooling days:

photo courtesy of Frauenfelder via Flickr

Evidently Willis believes that yoga needs a Christian alternative and I'm thinking who better to promote her product than Tebow.

original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me

I know. I know. The NFL bans such promotion underneath the eyes, but I'm imagining what this would be like in a perfect world where there didn't need to be a Christian alternative to yoga, because there would be no yoga.

Personally (at least for this week), I'm just glad there's a Tim Tebow.

Tuesday Morning QB: No and Yes

Welcome to another year of Tuesday Morning Quarterback where I look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have done differently with my (their) fantasy football team(s) for that previous week's game.

As for me, even though I lost 124-101 to Purple Drank here in the HBFFL, I wouldn't have done a thing differently as far as my lineup.

Let's review the starters: Vick at QB, Greg Jennings and DeSean Jackson at wide receivers, MJD at running back, Owen Daniels at tight end (other choice: Lance Kendricks, also had 1 point), Jahvid Best at flex (had Felix Jones but had same number of points: 11), Stephen Gostkowksi at kicker and the Patriots defense. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no. In case you missed it:

Courtesy of smlp.co.uk on Flickr

As for others, the only one in our league who might -- and hindsight is always 20/20 -- have played his cards differently than he did was Mark of Multiple Scorgasms. He played Pierre Garcon at wide receiver...where I would have gone with Chad Ochocinco just because Peyton Manning was out. At tight end, I would have gone with Aaron Hernandez over Tony Gonzalez, just because Hernandez was on fire from last year.

Yes, Mark still would have lost 99-90, but would have looked more respectable and at least would have tied for the lowest score with Future Ex-Cons instead of getting the lowest score.

So yes, he still would have sucked...but not just as badly. However, he set himself up for failure when he made his team slogan: "If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you just SUCK!" Um, self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?

Courtesy of Andy Welsh on Flickr

We have a winner...

...um, I mean, a loser.

Wait, make that two losers when you count me too.

I'll let Beck take us out with a song for both Mark and me: