Don't Cry For Me Argentina -You Are Making Us All Look Like Whiny Bitches

FEEL the agony.
Seriously.
Feel it.

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.

-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.

I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:


#1) Adrian Peterson

In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.

Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?

#2) Pope Francis

Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.

-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.


#3) Al Gore

For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.


#4) Rebecca Black




Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.

-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.


#5) Unfinished Rambler

Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.

(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)

#6) Hurricane Katrina

I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.

***

This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth.  Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year.  So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.

-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?

Nonames Are Breaking Bad

My man Rodgers had a bye week but it didn't seem to matter. The Nonames were on the positive side of the biggest blow out this week against Kerridan's Not So Okay Team to the tune of 139-95, with Eli Manning behind Centre. This guy is breaking bad with the highest number of interceptions in the league this year. I had to pull him off the bench to replace my man Rodgers (did I mention he was my man?) I think he must be on meth.

That's the last time I use Walter White as my personal trainer.

Despite Manning's dismal loss and measly 13 fan points Nonames pulled things out thanks to amazing performances from TE Tony Gonzalez (31pts), WR Victor Cruz (29pts), W/R Reggie Bush (27pts) and  WR Dez Bryant (20pts).

Yahoo had positioned Nonames as the underdog in last week's match up with Kerridan's Okay Team. Shows you what they know. So we remain in 3rd spot and this week take on Troi's 2nd place Future Ex-Cons.

This could get interesting. I like Troi and it'd be a shame to beat him. But, hey, all's fair in love and fantasy football.

So until Thursday, I'll be over in the corner doing my happy dance with Carlton...

And if you want a somewhat different look from the view of all the QBs last week click on this link. After having read it you may want to bookmark it or like it on your Facebook page. It's always hilarious.

This week they're giving Eli an intervenception.

Tuesday Morning QB: Anyone, anyone, anyone? Yes, ANYONE!

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games. 

As I had the highest score of any team in the league this season with 155 this week, and again I FUCKING ROCK (yawwwwn), I turn my attention in particular to two losers: Troi with his Future Ex-Cons squad and LOBO with his Predator Press squad.

Both lost and it should be no surprise as they didn't even take players off their starting lineup that they should have taken off and replaced them with players...well, players who actually PLAYED.

It is especially evident with Troi, who still had LeSean McCoy in his starting lineup, even though McCoy was out with a concussion. Troi lost by a mere three points, 80-77, to Delusion of Adequacy. Put ANYONE in there for Odin's sake and you would have won.

As for LOBO, the defending HBFFL champion (seemingly in name only, not in reality) he still had Darren McFadden in his starting lineup and worse yet, Titus Young still on his roster. Go pick up ANYONE for even Baldur's sake off the waiver wire. Give yourself a fighting chance.

Yes, ANYONE!!!!

Waiting In The Weeds

Week Four's come and gone and your faithful nonames are 1-3-0 after last week's 111-100 loss to the 2-2-0 Future Ex-Cons. If I'm to look for the silver lining in this it's the smallest margin loss I've experienced all year. Yeah, big deal, eh?

I can't blame my guys. Rodgers gave me 35 fantasy points, Green 22 and Cruz 21.

But who knew FEC's Peyton Manning would stick his neck out (get it?) for a respectable 33? That's what did me in.

But this is all part of my plan. I'm holding back now, at the start of the season, waiting in the weeds. I'm keeping under the radar (in 9th place I'm almost off it) until that magic moment I choose to shine. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, to all my nonames fans, who like to call me Captain Canada, for the moment all I can say is...

Week 13: Down to the Wire in 2011

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





"You can't plan for no 18-point day from Dustin Keller, man... that's Fantasy Football life..."

Week 12 saw Troi and his Future Ex-Cons slip away with a victory over your People's Champion 108-96. Troi got big days from Matt Ryan (25pts), Roddy White (23pts), Brandon Marshall (21pts), and Dustin Keller (18pts). Torrey Smith and Frank Gore came up small (2 and 3 points respectively), and that might cause some trouble for Troi in these later weeks, but for now things are relatively peachy for the Future Ex-Cons as they make a late push for a playoff berth.

Renal Failure saw Chris Johnson's 23-point day wasted by soft performances from Tony Romo (15pts), LeSean McCoy (12pts - just give this man the ball Andy Reid and you'll keep your job, dumbass!), and Jason Witten (4pts). Megatron salvaged his Thanksgiving game with a late touchdown (1opts), Brandon Lloyd is having a solid 2nd-half of the season with a 13-point day vs. Arizona, and Billy Fucking Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff, booting 10 points. Against most other teams this week, Renal Failure would have walked away with a W and been one step closer to the playoffs. Instead, we ran into an overachieving team, a hungry team.


"2-2-1 in the second half of the season? Shiiiiiiiiiiit."

So let's talk about playoffs. The picture is getting crowded again, with Troi and UnfinishedPerson making the sort of late season runs that Renal Failure is infamous for. Troi and Rambler are tied for fifth at 6-6, along with the NoNames who fell to 6-6 after losing to the Bourbon Blasters, who are now 7-5 and in sole possession of 3rd place. Predator Press and Purple Drank sit atop the standings at 9-3, clinching playoff berths. Now it's only a question of who gets the Number One seed (Purple Drank has the points advantage).

At 6-5-1 Renal Failure still controls their own destiny, sitting in 4th place by ourselves. We win the rest of our games, and we're in. Best we can do is the three-seed, which is where we were last season when we won it all.


It's time to get hyped for Week 13 the Renal Failure way... with groin kicks aplenty and The Final Countdown blasting on the jambox!

So Week 13 sees Purple Drank come back into the People's House. Chris might be smarting over the 137-76 beating we gave him in Week 4, but his matchups in Week 13 might sting more. Ray Rice has to run against a stingy Browns defense. Michael Turner is up against the Texans big D. He's down to Andy Dalton at QB who is playing against the Steelers, which pits Mike Wallace up against the nasty Bengals defense. Laurent Robinson and Rob Gronkowski will have to pick up a lot of slack for Purple Drank.

For Renal Failure, CJ2K and Shady McCoy have decent matchups against the Bills and Seahawks. Megatron plays the Saints, so that will be a shootout. Brandon Lloyd remains Sam Bradford's only decent target and he's been a steady performer these past couple weeks. The most favorable matchup is Tony Romo and Jason Witten vs. Arizona, and as long as Romo throws a lot to people not named Laurent Robinson, it's all good in the Renal neighborhood.

Yahoo! projects a 102-92 victory for Renal Failure, which doesn't fill us with a lot of confidence considering how wrong last week's Yahoo! projections were. But it should make us feel better than Chris about the prospect of winning. And look at it this way, Chris, the number one seed ain't all that and a bag of chips. Only once has a #1 seed won the championship, and that was when Joel was masquerading as his wife back in 2008. Quite frankly, we don't think Chris can pull off capri pants, let alone a skirt.

Two weeks left... it's going to be a wild finish for the Wild Card of the HBFFL.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We don't have HBO or Showtime so we've never seen the shows that everyone always gushes about like The Sopranos, or The Wire, or Dexter. Why watch TV when there are Maru the cat videos to watch online?

Week 12: And I Know It's My Own Damn Fault

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





Some things seem like a good idea at the time... others not so much...

Renal Failure and Multiple Orgasms made history as the first teams to ever tie in the HBFFL, ending Week 11 in a 92-92 stalemate. This will certainly serve to screw up all future posts about playoff scenarios in the the future weeks, and your People's Champion has no one to blame but themselves for this.

See, we made a trade at the deadline with Multiple Orgasms, sending DeAngelo Williams and the Cincinnati Bengals Defense for Ben Tate and the Houston Texans Defense. The trade wouldn't have gone through in time for Sunday's games without the help of the commissioner and both teams consent, which we gave. If the trade had not gone through in an expedited manner, Mark would have had to have played Marion Barber instead of DeAngelo Williams. Barber had 8 points, Williams had 10. Without this trade, Renal Failure would have gone to 7-4 instead of being an awkward 6-4-1.


This is what a tie feels like. Soccer fans feel like this every day. That's why they lose their shit when someone actually scores.

But we can't put all the blame on our ill-timed trade. We can certainly blame CJ2K for only getting two points vs. the Falcons. We can blame Shady McCoy for not getting into the end zone on his last rush vs. the Giants (three more yards and you were in!). One more receiving yard from Megatron would have given him one more point. Eight more passing yards from Tony Romo and he would have hit the 300-yard mark for five bonus points.

The Renal bench looked exquisite with Marshawn Lynch (14 points), Sidney Rice (11 points), and Michael Crabtree (18 points). This gives us some confidence about our depth in case something happens to our starters, and complements our recent trade nicely. We wanted to upgrade our defense and special teams and we believe Houston will do that in spades. Also Ben Tate is our longshot bet against Arian Foster's health. Yeah, Foster's probably going to make it through the rest of the season unharmed, but if he doesn't we're prepared to capitalize on that opportunity. Call it Contingency Plan T.

On the Multiple Orgasms side, we didn't expect Victor Cruz to put up 23 vs. the Eagles, or Percy Harvin to put up 15 vs. the Raiders. We are fortunate Mark played Aaron Hernandez instead of Tony Gonzalez at TE because Gonzalez would have blown us out of the water with his 13-point day vs. the Titans. Perhaps we should just be grateful we didn't leave Week 11 with a loss.


Any week you can walk away from... and retain full use of everything from the neck down...

So Week 12 brings us a return encounter with Troi and his Future Ex-Cons, who we defeated 91-81 in Week 3. With Bourbon Blasters and Nonames (both 6-5) losing in Week 11, Troi has worked his way back into the playoff picture at 5-6. Unfortunately his gravy train to the postseason ends here, as his top RB Adrian Peterson is likely to miss action with a high ankle sprain. Troi's backup RB is James Sparks, who also injured himself in Week 11. The one healthy RB he has, Frank Gore, has a tough matchup vs. Baltimore. Troi is going to lean heavily on Matt Ryan and Roddy White lighting up the Vikings.

Renal Failure has a lot of good matchups in their favor. Tony Romo and Jason Witten play a pourous Dolphins defense, Shady McCoy is likely to run roughshod over that paper-thin New England D, and it's going to be a shootout with the Lions and the Packers so Megatron is going to have plenty of opportunities to put up big numbers. The Houston D has a great opportunity to slap around the Jaguars and there's always Billy Cundiff striking fear into the hearts of everyone.

Yahoo! has us winning 99-72, but that's with Troi still starting a presumably inactive Adrian Peterson (A.J Green brings the still-losing projected score to 99-79). Yahoo! also had us blowing out Multiple Orgasms too. Wait, let me rephrase that. No, on second thought, we'll let that slide. Point is, we're not trusting Yahoo!, we're trusting our gut and our gut says we're going to 7-4-1 when Week 12 is finished. And on an unrelated point, we plan on being obliviously drunk by the time the Lions/Packers and Cowboys/Dolphins games are done this Thanksgiving.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. It has been said that ties are like kissing your sister. Being an only child, however, this metaphor is sort of lost on us. We've got cousins, though.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Play the gimp

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

Last week, my advice was to play a defense that has no chance in hell of scoring any points to get yourself to a win. This week, my advice is just as trenchant: play the gimp.

Example No. 1: Julio Jones. His legal name is Quintorris Lopez Jones, with Quintorris meaning "gladiator," and that he was on Sunday as he went off on three passes for 131 yards and two touchdowns, the first two in his career, and a total of 37 fantasy points. Dude, better known as JLo to his close friends, was coming off a hamstring injury and if you had him on your bench this past weekend, you didn't have a fighting chance.

Example No. 2, and more importantly (well, to me anyway as he was sitting on my bench as I lost 83-69 to Future Ex-Cons), Willis McGahee or Willis Andrew McGahee III, if you're nasty. Like Jones, McGahee also tallied a pair of touchdowns but on 20 carries for 163 yards. He had 35 fantasy points. His injury? A broken right hand or what doctors call "a boxer's fracture."

So based on my own advice, in week 10, I will be playing both Felix Jones (high ankle sprain) and Jahvid Best (concussion) off of my bench and I will crush Purple Drank like a pop can.

You can go for my underarm, Purple Drank. I will go for the jaw.

Purple Drank Basement Haunting Again

Last week I had a scare against the last-place Multiple Scoregasms.

No, not the wake up, roll over, and think holy shit how much did I have to drink last night kind of scare.

My Purple Drank only scored 68 points!

That's worse than waking up next to Amy Winehouse, especially since she is dead. It might be even more frightening than waking up next to Sarah Jessica Parker.

Every day is Halloween for Matthew Broderick, by the way.

Multiple Scoregasms' 44-point performance, on the other hand was less scary and more like the ghost in this cartoon:

So, after my harrowing win last week I continue the basement haunting, this time against the 2-5 Future Ex-Cons. And I'm bringing along a...errr...ummm...."huge" secret weapon this time, something Halloween-themed.

Sure, she seems all hot and stuff until she eats your face, and your lineup! Omm nom nom.

That can mean only one thing for the Future-Ex Cons...

Bad news!