Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Tom Brady throws touchdowns, bangs a supermodel, but can't do everything

by Renal Failure

Sunday Afternoon in the Renal Failure Doom Bunker...

Well... this was rather unexpected. Your People's Champion went from putting up the highest point total this season in the HBFFL to every starter not named Tom Brady deciding not to perform in a pivotal Week 13 game containing playoff implications and the chance to get triple-vengeance on Chris. Well, at least Tom Brady threw up a 45-point bear into orbit to keep the score respectable. Still, a 87-79 loss, whether to Chris or not, still burns the People's brisket.

Chris Johnson struggled for the second consecutive week, only putting up 5 points on a weak Jaguars defense. Peyton Hillis had his worse performance of the year vs. Miami with 7 points. Dwayne Bowe went from throwing bears into outer space to not getting a single point vs. the Broncos. Even Brandon Lloyd was a ghost against the Chiefs with 3 points. Jason Witten was the only starter not named Tom Brady to break double-digits (10pts).

But it's not like our bench did any better. The only player on the Renal Bench to do anything this week was Sidney Rice's 27-point day, and that's only because Brett Favre got knocked out of the game and Tavaris Jackson came in and slung the ball to Rice the rest of the game instead of chucking interceptions like Brett Favre usually does. How could we have forseen that? And after the weeks that Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd have been having, would you have benched them in favor of Rice or Mike Williams (11pts)or Chad Ochocinco (9pts)? The People doubt it.

Feels like Week Four all over again...

What is it about playing Chris that makes all of our players decide to stop all that scoring they had been doing before (even Fred Jackson who had been lighting it up the past two weeks had a sucky day)? Because our last three games against La Machine have been horrid bed-shitting affairs for your People's Champion. No shootouts, no bear-launching competitions, just most of the Renal Roster laying down and fucking dying on us at the most inopportune time. We were second in the league in scoring coming into this game and we were first in the league in scoring going into last year's championship game, and on both occasions we put up a pittance of points vs. La Machine.

But this time around it wasn't like Chris had an awesome day. Other than LeSean McCoy and Cedric Benson, his team put up blah numbers that most teams would have stomped on (well, at least the ones with actual owners and not dead-beat dads). Former Renal Failure members Eli Manning and Marcedes Lewis only got 8 and 3 points respectively for La Machine, which might have Chris questioning AGAIN why he makes trades with us. Terrell Owens had a respectable 10-point day, and Roddy White had a serviceable 7 vs. the Bucs. Again, nothing special on the La Machine side; they just happened to suck less this week, but that's how you weather those lean times in fantasy football. Ines knows we've done it plenty of times before.

Ines Sainz... why have you forsaken us in our time of need? We still believe...

So now Renal Failure is 7-6 and no longer in control of their playoff destiny. The 11-2 Bourbon Blasters have clinched the top seed with The Ramblers' loss to the Bald Spots (8-5), but Rambler (9-4) clinches a playoff spot anyway. Predator Press eliminated What the Canuck? (6-7) from contention to move up to 8-5 and La Machine stays alive for another week at 7-6. Your People's Champion needs to win their Week 14 game vs. Canuck and then hope for either a Bald Spots or Predator Press loss to force a tie at 8-6 for the last one or two remaining playoff spots. Then it would go to the tie-breaker regarding Points For, which the People feel good about winning because Renal Failure is 89 points ahead of PredPress and 45 points up on Bald Spots. A bit of a problem with that plan is that Bald Spots are playing absentee Team Krapsody in Week 14, so it looks like we're going to be in the awkward position of rooting for Joe and his Bourbon Blasters to help keep our season alive by beating LOBO senseless, even though it means Joe would tie Renal Failure's regular season record for most wins in a season. But we will trade vanity for a playoff spot, especially if it means we play Joe in the first round. He may have the third-most points in the league, but he's only breached the 100-point mark four times this season. Other than that he's consistently hovered around the 80-90 point range all season. The People believe he's vulnerable.

La Machine could still make it in Chris beats The Ramblers. Chris also needs Renal Failure to lose because Chris has a 98-point deficit to make up if both teams finish 8-6. Chris also needs PredPress and Bald Spots to lose so he can tie them, but he has a better chance of overcoming the 9-point deficit he has with LOBO, though not so much the 53-point deficit to Bald Spots, but you never know when a team will either completely shit the bed or catapult all of the Gummi Bears into the farthest reaches of our galaxy.

Dashing and daring... courageous and caring... but can they breathe in the void of space?

Of course, if Renal Failure chokes in Week 14 or both LOBO and Bryan win the People's tie-breaker advantage and our miraculous run to get back into playoff contention ends up being for naught, but the Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL are confident they can score a Wild Card spot by preventing a repeat of last year's regular season finale where we lost to Canuck. Why? Because this time around Canuck isn't playing for his playoff life. We are. And a desperate Renal Failure team could very well be the most dangerous thing in the HBFFL.

What's it like to not make the playoffs? IT HURTS!

We'll have our review of the Renal Failure/What the Canuck? matchup later in the week. Until then, have fun looking at the side of your milk cartons and seeing my team. If you happen to run into any of them this week, tell them to please show up for Week 14. We'd like to stay competitive up till the bitter end.

Renal Failure is probably not going to make the playoffs in three out of the four leagues he's in. It's been that kind of season for the People's Champ.


Chris C said...


I am the monkey on your back.

Bald Spots doesn't need to lose in order for me to make the playoffs. All I need is for you and LOBO to lose, me to win, and outscore LOBO by 10+ points.

That's all hehe.

Of course Bald Spots and LOBO could screw both of us by winning.

Unfinished Rambler said...

I could screw you too...well, you know what I mean. :)

Unfinished Rambler said...

Er, last comment directed at Chris, not you, RF. I would never screw with you ;).