Friday, December 24, 2010

Week 16 Humor Bowl III Preview: Renal Failure vs. Predator Press

by Renal Failure

Any team that gets in Renal Failure's way is soon to be de-meated...

Well, this is the day that every Fantasy Football owner dreams of seeing. After 14 weeks of regular season strife and misery just to gain a place in the playoffs and one more week of sudden death mayhem that could cruelly erase the previous 14 weeks of struggle, two teams have clawed their way to the glorious Week 16: CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK. Or as we call it here at the HBFFL blog: The Humor Bowl. And by we, we mean just Renal Failure (or as The Situation would call the People's Champ: R. Failure) because no one else has called it that before.

Renal Failure vs. Predator Press. Both teams went 8-6, both teams started 2-4, both pulled off key trades mid-season to fuel their playoff runs (R. Failure getting Peyton Hillis from Chris, LOBO getting Michael Vick from Unfinished Rambler), and both had five-game winning streaks in the second half of the season to clinch playoff berths (though R. Failure had 89 more points to grab the 3-seed). Yes, these two have much in common, so we needed to find the smartest person in the world to break down which team will take home the championship in the HBFFL.

That is the smartest thing we have ever seen...

Quarterback: Michael Vick vs. Tom Brady. The battle for NFL MVP ends here. Yahoo! stats have both with the same amount of points for the season, tying for fourth in the league, even though Vick played in fewer games because of injury. Tom Brady may have invented throwing bears into outer space, but Vick has thrown more bears into deep space than anyone this season, and his matchup vs. Minnesota is more of an Orbital Bear Warning than Brady's matchup vs. Buffalo. Still, never count out Tom Brady. Advantage: Predator Press.

Running Back: Chris Johnson vs. Maurice Jones-Drew. MJD is fighting off injuries and hasn't practiced all week, leaving his active status in doubt until Sunday. If MJD can't go, he'll have to go with Tampa Bay's Lagarrette Blount, who has put up a decent 54 points in the last four weeks. LOBO could pick up MJD backup Rashad Jennings... if Renal Failure didn't snag him off the waiver wire in a bit of defensive free agency strategy. Speaking of Renal Failure, the People's Champ will be starting Chris Johnson - third in RB scoring in the HBFFL - who has a nice matchup vs. Kansas City this week, has put up consecutive 20+ point games, and has the competitive fire to continuously prove that he the best rusher in the NFL. Advantage: Renal Failure.

Ines Sainz has wisdom that can only be expressed through tight denim...

Wide Receivers: LOBO hit the early-season inactive WR lottery with Vincent Jackson last week, and VJax is playing the lowly Bengals in Week 16, though you're never sure who Philip Rivers will throw to from game-to-game (though it helps that Antonio Gates is out). Also LOBO is starting 2008 Renal Failure Team MVP Larry Fitzgerald, who has struggled because of the bad QB situation in Arizona. But luckily he's playing a Dallas defense that stops no one. R. Failure, however, has the Number One scoring WR in the HBFFL Brandon Lloyd, who seems to be Tim Tebow's only viable target. And Dwayne Bowe (5th in WR scoring) is coming out of a slump, has Matt Cassell throwing to him again, and has a great matchup against a weak Tennessee defense. Advantage: Push

Tight End: Vernon Davis (3rd in TE scoring) has been rather erratic, putting up a big fat zero last week. And while he's got a favorable matchup against St. Louis, the QB situation in San Francisco is murky, which favors Brian Westbrook more than VD. Jason Witten (2nd in TE scoring) is on a hot streak and looks to be Jon Kitna's favorite target, and considering how horrid Dallas's running game has been we expect Kitna to throw the rock a lot vs. Arizona. Advantage: Renal Failure

Flex Option: Peyton Hillis finished as the 2nd-highest scoring RB in the league, but is facing the always-tough Baltimore Ravens Defense this week (though he ran right threw them in Week 3) and has been in a bit of a late-season slump, as if carrying the entire Cleveland Browns on his shoulders is starting to wear on him. Stephen Jackson (13th in RB scoring) has been a consistent performer but has only scored more than 20 points three times this season. The 49ers, if they're smart will look to stack SJax at the line and force Sam Bradford to beat them. Advantage: Predator Press

Some stare Ines Sainz and see only lustful splendor. Others see the secrets of the universe unfurled before them like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Except hotter...

Kicker: Matt Bryant was 3rd among kickers in scoring and has an important game against New Orleans that could clinch up 1st place for the Falcons. Adam Vinateri was 5th in kicker scoring and has an important game against Oakland to keep the Colts playoff hopes alive. It's going to come down to a question of which team's offense stalls out more often in field goal range against the opposing defense, and the defending Super Bowl Champion Saints' defense has a lot more to play for than the Raiders'. Advantage: Renal Failure

Defense/Special Teams: LOBO's rolling with Jacksonville vs. Washington, which isn't a bad idea considering the Skins are starting Rex Grossman, who is better known for having QB ratings lower than my blood alcohol level. R. Failure is sticking with Tampa Bay, who despite their decimated ranks, is still projected for 10 points against the sickly Seattle Seahawks. But that might be wishful thinking on the part of the number crunchers at Yahoo! Advantage: Predator Press.

And the advantage is: a tie. Shit... okay, so that didn't solve anything. Let's look at the official numbers then. Yahoo! is projecting a 107-103 victory for LOBO and Predator Press (though many of those points for LOBO are dependent on MJD playing on Sunday), and Yahoo! was correct last week in projecting wins for R. Failure and PredPress. It's an uphill battle for the People's Champion, but they've faced adversity before and rose to the challenge. Then again, so has LOBO because we are similar teams. Damn it. Okay... this is the moment of truth, where everything we've claimed and appropriated for ourselves over the past three years is going to have to come to pass for R. Failure to win. Circling the Wagons, employing the chaotic energy of the Wild Card (bitches!), being granted victory through the divinity of Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory Ines Sainz, invoking the power of The People... all of these things must come to pass for Renal Failure to win Humor Bowl III and prevent the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies from taking home the glory and honor of the HBFFL championship.

We've run the numbers through our special Fantasy Football Battle Simulator and have determined that LOBO is a red-skinned oiled-up Turkish guy in leather pants and Renal Failure has rocket boots, electric gloves, and a nice rack...

The trends say that the team that lost the previous year's championship game wins the next year, so R. Failure has that going for them. But it may take a lot more than trends to keep LOBO from taking what rightfully belongs to the People.

HUMOR BOWL III: It's like SuperBowl III except both teams are drunk Joe Namath.

Renal Failure is also projected to lose to LOBO 96-94 in LOBO's FTWL championship game. But remember, NO ONE CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE RENAL FAILURE!

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