Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Just because you have no balls doesn't mean we won't kick you in the crotch

by Renal Failure

It still hurts a eunuch when you snap them where their balls used to be...

Renal Failure scored a big 123-67 victory over the Eunuchs in Week 11, avenging our previous loss this season to Don and keeping us in the hunt for the playoffs. And though Don would have been better off starting Matt Ryan over injured Tony Romo, it wouldn't have made a difference because the People's Champion treated the People to a dominant fantasy performance this week, where 6 out of the 8 starters hit double-digit points (but you still exceeded your projected total Brandon Pettigrew, so we're still cool. The Saints D, however...).

Sure, Tom Brady only met his projected score of 21 points and Chris Johnson severely underperformed the highly-optimistic 28-point projection he was slated to have against the Washington Redskins with a modest 18-point day, but that slack was made up by Peyton Hillis (19pts) Dwayne Bowe (27pts), and Brandon Lloyd (13pts). Even kicker Matt Bryant had a nice 14-point day for the People, displaying why one reason Renal Failure is known as The Wild Card (bitches!): points from unlikely sources.

Your 2nd-highest scoring kicker in the HBFFL this season... and he's probably really good at kicking people in the balls too.

The People continued to be highly confused by Buffalo Bills RB Fred Jackson's awesome point production on our bench considering he hadn't done a damn thing all season. But after a 29-point Week 11 and a 33-point Week 10, we can only lament that he didn't start throwing bears into orbit before the trade deadline because unless Chris Johnson or Peyton Hillis get injured he's never going to see the starting lineup for our roster. Yes, Renal Failure is bold, but not bold enough to bench either Johnson or Hillis at this critical stage of the season when a playoff spot is oh-so-close.

In other Renal bench news, Chad Ochocinco snagged a touchdown in his second straight game while snagging 8 points vs. Buffalo, Tampa Bay's Mike Williams had a nice 11-point day to go along with his arrest for suspicion of driving under the influence, and backup QB Sam Bradford outscored Tom Brady with a 24-point day vs. Atlanta. So in essence we could have started our bench against Don and still would have won, but that's an easy task when your opponent doesn't swap out their injured QB.

Our Lady of Victory and Tight Denim Ines Sainz looks favorably upon Renal Failure's devotion, and thus has granted us yet another glorious triumph.

The People are now 6-5 and riding a four-game winning streak into a four-way tie for that last playoff spot alongside La Machine, What the Canuck? and Predator Press (and we've got the tie-breaker edge in points). There's no room for error anymore, especially with our next game: a Week 12 Revenge Match against the 7-4 Bald Spots. Regular readers here will remember that in Week Three Bald Spots Bryan had four players on his roster throw bears into deep orbit, probably to get back at us for surviving Tom Brady's 60-point game vs. Tennessee and beating him in '09. We'll have a preview of what is sure to be a high-scoring match-up later this week.

Three more wins to go.

Renal Failure is working on a cervix kick to use on women so that they may know a man's pain when it comes to getting a boot to the crotch.

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