by Renal Failure
I don't care if you don't have anything below the belt, Bex, I'm punching there anyway. All's fair in love, war, and the race for the playoffs.
This is it. The game that determines the People's season. The game that either keeps our playoff hopes alive or murders them in their crib. The game that could give you an ice cream sundae or colon cancer. All right, so that last one was a lie, but it's hard to hype up a game between the 9th and 10th place teams in the HBFFL, which is what Renal Failure (2-5) and the Battling Butterflies (1-6) are.
Sitting at the halfway point of the 2010 season, the People's Champion Renal Failure is battered, bruised, and bedeviled. Our running back depth that was supposed to be our strength is gone, with only Chris Johnson remaining from our corps of Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, and Clinton Portis. Tom Brady, the man who invented throwing bears into outer space, has not dominated like we had hoped. We also haven't dominated in the Kicker and Defense/Special Teams categories as we have in previous years, which is how we became known as The Wild Card (bitches!). And only in recent weeks has our wide receivers actually started manufacturing at a decent clip. Last year, we set a new record for points scored in a season; this year we are 9th (only Bex is worse). Even worse, we've had the third-most points scored on us (Bex is 2nd, LOBO is 1st). It's going to take some sort of divine intervention to turn the Renal Failure season around.
"Inez Sainz... I have never prayed to you. I may have done other things to you, though..."
And so what better way to begin the miraculous process of salvaging our season than by beating up on the last place team in the league. As seen above, Bex's Battling Butterflies have had worse season than us, and Week 8 doesn't look like it's going to be the week where things get better for her either.
Bex is rolling with Carson Palmer, who is playing a Miami team looking to bounce back from Ben "Lifetime Movie of the Week Villain" Roethlisberger lighting them up in Week 7. Her running backs are not the featured RB's on their teams anymore. Mike Tolbert may get a goal line run for a TD, but that will be the extent of his day. And even if she puts in Ryan Mathews he's not going to have a fun time against the stingy Tennessee defense either. Oakland's Michael Bush is only going to get carries when Darren McFadden needs a breather. Greg Jennings is going to get stuck on Revis island in his game vs. the Jets, not that she can swap him out because the rest of her receivers are on bye weeks. The bulk of her points look to come from Steelers WR Mike Wallace, TE Chris Cooley, and the Tennessee Defense if she remembers to put them in.
I don't think this is the Mike Wallace is who projected to have 7 points against the Saints this week, but he and 60 Minutes will be on immediately following the late game on CBS, except on the west coast.
But your People's Champion has a lot of great match-ups this week. Tom Brady's throwing against a rudderless Minnesota squad. Chris Johnson never gets stuffed for small numbers in consecutive weeks. Hines Ward has been on fire since Ben "Lifetime Movie of the Week Villain" Roethlisberger has returned, and the Steelers will be in a shootout with the Saints this week. Brandon Lloyd and the Broncos are playing the 1-6 49ers. And we'll see if Dwayne Bowe can make it three straight weeks of 20+ points, a likely scenario considering he'll be playing the Buffalo Bills.
As of Friday morning, Yahoo! has Renal Failure winning 85-66 vs. Bex (85-74 if she remembers to put in the Tennessee defense). That looks about right to us. It'll be a fine day for the People's Champion to start rattling off wins for a playoff push, and to cement Bex in as the last place team in the HBFFL, like the Fantasy Football version of The Cask of Amontillado.
Renal Failure would rather hear Inez Sainz do play-by-play than Joe Buck.