Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The People's Week 1: It's happening again

Ever been in a Turkish prison, Static?

With their dominant95-59 victory over Team Krapsody in Week One, Renal Failure begins its inevitable march toward the top of Turkish Oil Wrestling League - uh, we mean the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. Sorry, we took up a new hobby recently...

Tom Brady (30pts) and Chris Johnson (31pts) outscored Static's whole starting roster, and Hines Ward had himself a good day as well (15pts). Unfortunately Ryan Grant left the Green Bay/Philly game early on with an injury and was unable to buttress our already high score.

But Jason Witten and Dwayne Bowe disappointed the People for the full games they played, scoring less points combined (2 and 1 respectively) than our backup TE Heath Miller (4pts), who LOBO is always keen to tell us never scored a single point for him last season. Possibly out of spite.

Heath Miller has suggestions for where LOBO can put this football... none of them involves shelves or closets or lubrication...

Bench scoring is usually our biggest source of regret, but we're not feeling the sting too much this week. Hard to believe that Eli Manning outscored Tom Brady this week (31pts for the younger Manning) but we're absolutely cool with that because we had to wait last year until after the trade deadline for Eli to prove himself as valuable trade bait. This year's he's doing it in Week One. So bravo, Eli, for giving us something to wave in front of desperate teams later this season. And Pierre Thomas's 14-point day against the Vikings made us feel better about the prospect of losing Ryan Grant for a week or two, especially since Clinton Portis had a poor day and C.J. Spiller pulled an anti-Arian Foster by being completely irrelevant in Week One.

A C.J. Spiller sighting...

On the other side, Static's squad did what the People's Champion did in last years HBFFL Championship Game and just plain failed to show up. His big guns Andre Johnson and Randy Moss put up paltry numbers, Joe Flacco had a rough match-up against the Jets Defense, and Joseph Addai had an anemic day on the ground. At least Antonio Gates showed why he's money at the TE position and Jeremy Maclin had a decent day once Michael Vick started slinging him the ball. But at least it's not like Static's bench did any better (Danny Woodhead was credited with no points). It's not like he had left Arian Foster and his Throwing-Bears-Through-A-Wormhole 46-point day wasting away on the sidelines, because that's what Rambler did and he still won his match over Bex and her Battlin' Butterflies, as if to rub it in Static's face that he could leave the biggest bear-tosser in Fantasy Football that week on the bench and still have a better day than Team Krapsody. Are you going to take that, Static? Are you going to let Rambler smack you in the face with such an insult? No? Then do something about it in Week Two!

Anyway, Renal Failure is 1-0 to the start the season, which is a favorable sign because that's how we started last season, which was then followed by eight more victories before losing our first game in November to the eventual champions La Machine in Week 10. So the trends are on the side of the People's Champion once again, as well as the Bear NASA duo of Tom Brady and Chris Johnson.

Next week, The Eunuchs get their first taste of the Wild Card (bitches!). Don gave LOBO a run for his money in Week One, losing 108-103, but can he put up those numbers again when facing the infamous Renal Failure? We'll have a preview of this match-up later in the week. In the meantime, we have to go oil ourselves up.

---Renal Failure is in three other leagues because statistically speaking we can't suck in all of them.


Bex said...

The only thought I have about this right now is BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Unfinished Rambler said...

I have a feeling Static is going to take it...and he's going to like it, because Arian is going to be on the roster next week. Well, I don't know if he'll like it, but he'll take it. ;) As for Bex, I've already said my piece about her. Next week: Krapsody.

As for you, RF, I'll deal with you later. ;)