Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Bearocalypse has come! This is not a drill!

by Renal Failure

Renal Failure threw a bear so hard into space, it blew up the sun and most of the galaxy...

Casual readers of the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League blog may have the idea that the natural rival for Renal Failure (aka The People's Champion, The Wild Card, and the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler) would be teams like La Machine (who beat Renal Failure in last year's championship game) or The Ramblers (for Rambler's penchant for smack-talking and the Dallas Clark game of '08) or Predator Press (because of LOBO's hijacking of Ines Sainz). But let us add another name to the list of potential natural enemies, Bryan and his Bald Spots. Why? Because each time Bald Spots and Renal Failure play, it's a fucking bloodbath.

Since coming into the HBFFL in 2009, the Bald Spots have played Renal Failure (one of only five remaining original members of the HBFFL) three times. The first time was the infamous Tom Brady 60-point game that brought forth the term "throwing a bear into outer space." Bald Spots had Tom Brady but Renal Failure survived to pull out the 123-100 victory. Jump to 2010, in Week Three the Bald Spots have four players on their roster throwing bears into space to blow out Renal Failure 156-86, the 70-point margin of victory being at the time the largest by any team in 2010 to that date.

But then came Week Twelve... the long-awaited rematch between the Bald Spots and Renal Failure. With revenge on their minds, the People watch Tom Brady throw a 46-point bear past Babylon 5 on Thanksgiving and were mightily impressed, if not sleepy and little drunk from all the turkey and rum that afternoon. But little did the People know that they had luxury box seats for an event that would exceed a mere Orbital Bear Warning or Bear-Force One. This was what we'll call Bearmageddon. Sunday rolls around and Peyton Hillis slams a 42-point bear into the Battlestar Galactica. The crew mistakes the bear as a furry cylon and attempt to kill it, failing miserably. Again the People are pleased, but their Champion puts on the Billy Mays beard, snorts a line of coke, and says "Wait, there's more!" Dwayne Bowe steps up in the 4 o'clock game vs. the Seahawks and launches a massive 40-point bear into the fucking Gamma Quadrant. The motherfucking Jem'Hadar are looking at each other and saying "Was that a goddamn bear that flew past us?" This Brady/Hillis/Bowe tri-lateral commission of throwing bears at science fiction TV shows combined for 128 points by themselves. When Sunday came to a merciful end, the final score was 166-76 in favor of your People's Champion.

In other words, Bryan of the Bald Spots...

You also get to star in the next three Rush Hour movies with Jackie Chan...

And even scarier? It could have been a whole lot worse. Chris Johnson who usually throws up big number days for the People had a big fat zero against Houston. Meanwhile on the People's Bench Fred Jackson once again had a monster day, putting up 26 big points against a usually-impenetrable Pittsburgh defense. Even Green Bay running back Brandon Jackson had three points, and if we had played either of them instead of Johnson we would have beaten the all-time record for points in a game of 168, as scored by Joe masquerading as his wife Leigh back in 2008 in a game against The Ramblers. But still 166 is the highest amount scored by a team in 2010, though the 90-point margin of victory is only the second-highest this season as LOBO beat the Eunchs last week by 108. But we think that shouldn't count because absentee owner Don is barely fielding a lineup anymore.

Oh, and Brandon Lloyd continues to dominate at the WR position with a great 17-point day that was overshadowed by all the bears going off into space around him. Matt Bryant had a respectable 8 points while the Cleveland Defense should have done better than the meager 5 they got against a weak Carolina team.

With their awesome performances this week, and the bad weeks for Roddy White and Terrell Owens, Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd are now first and second in scoring among wide receivers in the HBFFL, officially making them most dangerous WR combo in the league. Tom Brady moves up to seventh in QB scoring, even after a few mediocre weeks, and Peyton Hillis jumps from fourth to second among RBs. But even though Chris Johnson's zero points knocked him down to fourth in RB scoring, Renal Failure now has the highest scoring active RB duo in the HBFFL now that the Ramblers' Frank Gore is done for the season.

Bald Spots didn't have such a good day with their roster. Philip Rivers only had 9 points because the Chargers defense and Mike Tolbert did most of the scoring against the Colts, whose struggles resulted in Pierre Garcon earning a meager 7 points which were five more than Anquan Boldin managed. Adrian Petersen's sprained ankle only allowed him to earn 12 points and TE Tony Moeki's short-yardage TD reception accounted for his only points of the day. If not for David Akers' 14 points and the Oakland Defense's 11, things would have gone much worse for Bryan and his Bald Spots. Much worse.

According to Yahoo! and basic math, with our optimal lineup with TE Jason Witten's 9 points replacing Brandon Pettigrew's 6-point day vs. the Patriots and Fred Jackson's inexplicable 26 points replacing Chris Johnson's bed-shitting goose egg Renal Failure would have had 195 points. That is absoludicrious, and we don't use that term lightly.

Who scored more points than this guy? EVERYBODY!

Even more absoludicrous is the fact that the Brady/Hillis/Bowe Order of the Triad outscored every other team in the HBFFL this week. Hell, we could have started Sam Bradford at QB and we'd still have had a 156 point day because Sam The Future had 38 vs. the Broncos. Hines Ward's 15 point day on the bench almost seems quaint compared to most everyone else's day on the Renal Roster. We almost want to take Mike Williams (2pts), Brandon Jackson (3pts), Sidney Rice (2pts), and Chad Ochocinco (4pts) aside and ask them why the hell they're slacking so much. At least Chris Johnson can blame his shitty day on having a quarterback named Rusty. Shit... Rusty Smith was looking more like Rusty Venture against the Texans. He sure didn't give the Texans the ol' Rusty Trombone out there this week. The Volunteer State cries out for the return of Kerry Collins.

Renal Failure's winning streak is now at five games, bringing the People's record up to 7-5 and placing them in a three-way tie for third in the league with Predator Press and the aforementioned Bald Spots. Renal Failure wins the tiebreaker because after this day of chucking bears into space we now stand as the second-highest scoring team in the league behind The Ramblers (but only by three points). Two games remain in the regular season, and Renal Failure has to go through 6-6 La Machine and 6-6 What the Canuck? to run the table and guarantee themselves a spot in the playoffs.

But the People believe in Renal Failure, because Renal Failure believes in Ines Sainz.

Victory. Sweet, sexy victory...

Renal Failure has a five game winning streak in three out of the four leagues we're in. We only have a two game winning streak over in that 14-team league of Chris's but that doesn't matter 'cause we've been out of the playoff race over there since Week Five.

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