Thursday, December 30, 2010

Renal Failure Wins Humor Bowl III: People's Champion is now Actual Champion

by Renal Failure

The thrill of victory... and not paying child support...

The People's wait is finally over. Their champion, Renal Failure, has emerged from Humor Bowl III victorious, etching their name forever in the annals of fantasy football history with a 91-72 win over Predator Press to be crowned your 2010 HBFFL Fantasy Football Champion.

And, for good measure, Renal Failure also won the championship of LOBO's own FTWL league with a more authoritative 109-82 win, making Renal Failure a Double Champion. (and funny enough, Rambler finished third in both the HBFFL and FTWL. Symmetry abound!)

The championship was won by the passing game for the People's Champ. Tom Brady had a respectable 26-point day vs. the Bills. TE Jason Witten put up a nice 10 points vs. Arizona (though his counterpart on the bench Brandon Pettigrew had 13 points). Brandon Lloyd got back to doing what he had been doing for most of the season, and that's rack up 100-yard games, earning a fat 16 points vs. the Texans. But the MVP of Humor Bowl III was Dwayne Bowe, coming on strong when we needed him most with a sick 26 points against the Titans. Everyone else, however, failed to live up to the People's expectations. Number One Pick Chris Johnson: 5 points. Peyton Hillis: 3 points. Matt Bryant: 2 points. Tampa Bay Defense: 3 points. Those aren't championship numbers, guys. You're lucky LOBO had even bigger problems with his team.

But we had to wait until Tuesday night's Eagles/Vikings game to find out who would be 2010 HBFFL champion. The People feared that LOBO's Michael Vick would throw a bear into orbit, erasing the 50-point lead Renal Failure had built up over the weekend and Monday night and creating a Humor Bowl Miracle much like the Miracle at the Meadowlands 2. But alas, Michael Vick had no more miracles left, which proves that Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory Ines Sainz (pictured above) is the supreme deity of Fantasy Football. Take that, Jesus! In your face, Mohammed! Suck it, Zoroaster!

Other teams are world champions, but only Renal Failure is a "WORLD FUCKING CHAMPION."

We have to take a look at our opponent, the good twin in this Fantasy Football dichotomy. LOBO's season was almost a mirror of ours:
  • Both teams had decent drafts (RF with the Number One pick getting Chris Johnson, then Tom Brady in Round Two, and Dwayne Bowe in Round Five; LOBO snagged in his first three picks Maurice Jones-Drew, Stephen Jackson, and Vernon Davis who along with Malcolm Floyd were the only players to remain on the PredPress roster the entire season).
  • Both PredPress and R. Failure pulled off big trades to solidify their lineups (LOBO got Vick and Brandon Jackson off Rambler for Dustin Keller and BenJarvus-Green Ellis. LOBO then released BJax, who Renal Failure picked up and used to beat Rambler in Week Nine. (Note: We now open the floor to debate whether that trade was worse than Rambler's trade with R. Failure last season regarding Stephen Jackson and Chad Ochocinco for Steve Slaton and Jerricho Cotchery).
  • Both teams worked the waiver wire to gain the edge over their opponents (RF snatching up the Number One Scoring WR in the HBFFL Brandon Lloyd and LOBO making enough moves to swap his whole roster six times over). Both teams finished 8-6, after winning their final game of the season.
  • And most of all, both teams are the two of the elite smack-talkers in the HBFFL.
Clearly to everyone in retrospect, these two teams were destined face each other in the Championship Game. The question now was which team would come out on top. Would Renal Failure's experience last year carry the People's Champ this year? Who on the Renal Roster was going to throw a bear into orbit? Chris Johnson? Tom Brady? Matt Bryant? Could LOBO ride Michael Vick to the biggest win in Predator Press history? Would SJax and MJD step their game up to win against the team that rode them to the finals last year? Would LOBO's receivers rise to the challenge? Who, by Odin's beard and Ines Sainz's tight denim ass, would be Humor Bowl III Champion?

Well, LOBO found out that bad things often happen to good teams when it comes time for the final championship game. LOBO lost Maurice Jones-Drew to injury and opted to go with Santana Moss instead of Lagarrette Blount (who we had kind words for last week in our preview post). Moss had a respectable 8 points, outscoring both PredPress WR's Vincent Jackson (5pts) and Larry Fitzgerald (2pts), but Blount had a big 21-point day. The extra 13 points wouldn't have beaten Renal Failure, but it would have made that Eagles game even more uncomfortable to watch (it already was since we at the Failure are Eagles fans, way to fall apart, guys).

Also LOBO switched out the Jacksonville Defense for the Dallas Defense, as if LOBO was doing the opposite of what we predicted he'd do in our preview post. Well, the Cowboys had a miserable one point while Jacksonville had three. We would declare that our Jedi Mind Trick powers of fooling other teams to bench productive players had finally delivered us a victory, but we didn't say anything about Santonio Holmes and his 12-points, which when combined with Lagarette Blount's day would have defeated the People's Champ and given him a Humor Bowl ring.

LOBO made us have a sad in Week 7... we now return the favor... WITH METAL!

And so Renal Failure has continued the trend of the loser of the previous year's championship game winning it all the following year. This also means, like those previous winners Chris and Joe, that R. Failure will miss the playoffs in 2011. And it also means that LOBO will win Humor Bowl IV next season (we're also predicting The Ramblers will lose that game and then win it all in 2012). But everyone can worry about all that mayhem when the NFL preseason rolls around. Right now, it's celebration time for Renal Failure and The People. Celebration time that we have damn well earned considering how awful our season started, and how gloriously we turned it around to win not one but TWO fantasy football titles.

The reign of Chris and his Daleks, Death Star, and his Bearataur is over. Long live Renal Failure, your new champion.

Renal Failure did lose in the championship game of the 7-team league he was in, but that league wasn't nearly as cool or prestigious as this one.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations RF on your win. I hope next year our league consists of a real 10 teams. There were too many no shows and it compromised the quality of our league. However, your were much better than your actual game. For me, a great regular season and then went on vacation to Nw Orleans and Bahammas cruise through off my playoffs. Was unable to truly study players and pix. Did not matter cause I ran into M Vick at the wrong time. I won my other ESPN league after coming in 3rd during season. Lets try to get a true ten teams next year, a real draft, and some rule changes that enhance the difficulty of the game. In the mean time, enjoy your year of fame. Joe O

Chris C said...

Congrats RF on winning the league. You might even get lucky and the NFL goes on strike for the whole season. Then you will be champ for two years.

But that will be the only way you repeat.

It's yours for now. Enjoy the moment because I'm coming for you and the rest of the league in 2011. Better hide your wife hide your kids.

LOBO said...

Congratulations RF! (I'm sure I'll have something snarky for ya in the near future, but for the record I want that official.)

-It was an outrageously fun and interesting season. Well done.

LOBO said...

"... LOBO snagged in his first three picks Maurice Jones-Drew, Stephen Jackson, and Vernon Davis who along with Malcolm Floyd were the only players to remain on the PredPress roster the entire season."

Nope. Around Week 3, while Rivers was trying to decide between Floyd and Legedu Naanee as favored targets (in Vincent Jackson's absence), I waivered Floyd until it got sorted out.