Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.
-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.
I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:
#1) Adrian Peterson
In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.
Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?
#2) Pope Francis
Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.
-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.
#3) Al Gore
For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.
#4) Rebecca Black
Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.
-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.
#5) Unfinished Rambler
Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.
(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)
#6) Hurricane Katrina
I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.
***
This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth. Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year. So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.
-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?
It's championship week and I find myself pitted against Lobo in both my leagues. My #1 Future Ex-Cons vs. his #2 Predator Press in the HBFFL and my #2 From Behind! vs. his #1 pwn.exe. I hate him soooooo much...sooooooo much. As of this post, he's going with his Nick Foles (he previously was starting Jay Cutler at QB), Brandon Marshall, and Justin Tucker combo. I'll admit, I'm worried about this one. I have fears that this entire season will be all for naught as I lose to an auto-drafter...an Auto-Drafter!!! Sure Lobo makes more moves during the season than 6 Wilt Chamberlains (or one Ron Burgundy).
But he's a fraking Auto-Drafter!!
In the end, I pray that good triumphs over the evil that is Lobo. That way the good children of the world can continue to have a Christmas. Is it so much to ask for Lobo to pull a Wil Shatner and scream out, "Khaaaaaaan!"
"Oh, let's see what how my fantasy team did to- OH GOOD LORD!"
When you get savagely beat 153-87 in your playoff game... when you get savagely beat by someone scoring the biggest point total of the season... you just want to crawl into a hole and not come out until 2014. Our only solace is that it didn't matter that we left Zac Stacy's 27 points on the bench, which would have made the score 153-110, which is still a large margin to be crushed by.
Nick Foles threw a 42-point bear into outer space. Eddie Lacy had 28 points on the ground for the Packers. Hell, even Justin Tucker had as many points as our leading scorer Cam Newton (20pts). Shit went wrong for the People at the worst time. McCoy and Moreno vanished. Nelson came up small. Just an ugly, ugly week for Renal Failure.
So Predator Press and LOBO convincingly advance to the 2013 Humor Bowl to face Troi's Ex-Cons, who beat Delusion of Adequacy by a non-convincing 86-74. One of these teams is going to be the first multiple championship winner in the HBFFL, and if Troi does it he will be the first consecutive championship winner too.
"NEXT YEAR, LOBO! NEXT YEAR!!!"
So how do PredPress and Ex-Cons stack up? Yahoo! gives the edge to PredPress 108-102 in their initial projections, and that's with LOBO inexplicably having Nick Foles benched in favor of Colin Kaepernick as we write this. PredPress looks to get Adrian Peterson back, and if Lacy should do well against Pittsburgh if Aaron Rodgers remains out. Brandon Marshall should have some fun vs. the Eagles, much like Greg Jennings did last week.
Ex-Cons as usual must depend on Peyton Manning to come up big vs. Houston, which is likely. Frank Gore will probably have a big game vs. Atlanta. Marshawn Lynch will have trouble going into Beast Mode vs. Arizona though. That's troublesome. A.J. Green's going to need a big game for Troi to stay in this.
We're picking Predator Press to be your 2013 Humor Bowl champions. If you can beat Renal Failure three times in a season, you deserve to hold the title. Plus LOBO has Denver TE Julius Thomas in the lineup, and any points he get will cancel out Manning's
Guess we'll go set up our lineup for the consolation game...
Renal Failure is the People's Champion of the HBFFL, and one time was the actual champion of the HBFFL.
What do Chun Li and everyone else who didn't make the playoffs have in common...
The HBFFL regular season is over and your playoffs are set. Your number four seed is RaiderDad's Delusion of Adequacy by way of their Week 14 victory over Purple Drank, coupled with Bourbon Blaster's loss to Predator Press. Joe can take solace that even if he had won vs. PredPress he still wouldn't have made the playoffs, which means he will not be haunted by his odd decision to start Lamar Miller instead of Ryan Mathews.
So congratulations to Delusion for making the playoffs for the second straight year, along with Future Ex-Cons - your number one seed in the HBFFL championship brackets at 11-3. PredPress's victory over the Blasters earned them a 10-4 record, good for 2nd place. Their 1423 points scored gave them the tie-breaker over 10-4 Renal Failure, giving the People's Champ the coveted 3-seed which has spawned the most champions in HBFFL history.
Time to do some playoff previews...
Playoffs are a lot of fun until something suddenly goes wrong. Then your anus starts bleeding...
Future Ex-Cons vs. Delusion of Adequacy
Yahoo! does not like RaiderDad's chances, giving Ex-Cons a 103-87 initial projected edge in this matchup. Peyton Manning is projected for 33 points vs. San Diego and that seems a right considering he's coming off back-to-back 40+ point games and San Diego's not a strong defensive team. Delusion's WR Josh Gordon is projected for 12 vs. Chicago, but that seems ridiculously low considering Gordon has racked up games of 25, 34, 45, and 31 over the past four weeks since coming off the bye week.
Eric Decker's probably going to have a big day now that Wes Welker is out. If Frank Gore and Marshawn Lynch perform as projected, there's not going to be much Delusion can do. Is RaiderDad really to put his faith in Matt Ryan throwing a bear into deep space? Well, maybe... he is playing the Redskins. Combined with a big Matt Forte day or Giovani Bernard catching fire, there's a chance Delusion could play the spoiler. A slim chance, mind you, because Yahoo! says Ex-Cons has a 66% chance of winning this week. But hey, RaiderDad's riding a three-game winning streak into the playoffs - and over the last four he's averaged almost 110 points a game - so beware those hot teams!
Nothing rips your guts out harder than being a big favorite in the playoffs and choking...
Predator Press vs. Renal Failure
Predator Press gets a wink and a nod and a handy under the table from Yahoo! prognosticators, bestowing a projected 101-94 victory over your People's Champion Renal Failure in Week 15. LOBO is riding the Nick Foles train as hard as he can, and there's no signs of it stopping like that one week when vs. Dallas when he forgot how to play QB. Touchdowns are plentiful in Chicago for Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery to pluck. Julius Thomas should pull down some big Peyton Manning passes this week vs. the Chargers.
Inez Sainz, we pray to you and your tight jeans so that we may be victorious in our crusade for a 2nd HBFFL title!
But LOBO's RB situation has become murky. Adrian Petersen is down, and Eddie Lacy might not be able to go for the Packers. Does he trust Chris Johnson - Mr. CJ2K - with the rock when Shonn Green's been taking away valuable touches on a Titans squad that is facing a tough Arizona defense?
Renal Failure has their own problems. Welker is out with a concussion, and WR is not our strong point regarding bench depth. Considering the matchup with the Redskins, we're putting our faith in the Falcons' Harry Douglas. He's struggled the last few weeks since lighting up the Buccaneers in Week 11, so we're hoping he's due for some big numbers. Yeah... not looking good there. Might need Jason Witten to really step it up vs. the Pack (even though the Cowboys suck in December - yes I said "suck" ESPN! What'cha gonna do about it?).
Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory - grant us our vengeance over LOBO!
But your People's Champ still has Knowshon Moreno and LeSean McCoy at RB, the highest scoring RB tandem in the HBFFL. McCoy put up a bear-thrown-out-of-the-Milky-Way 42 points in 8-inches of snow in Week 14. Hey Chip Kelly, give this man the ball! Shady McCoy wins games! Remember it, repeat it, do it!
It might come down to unorthodox scoring for Renal Failure to pull this out. RF does have the 2nd highest scoring kicker in the HBFFL in Matt Prater, and Arizona is the 3rd highest scoring Defense in the league too. It's a stretch, but we've won with crazy shit like this before. That's why we're also known as The Wild Card (bitches!). Then again, LOBO's kicker and defense combo (Justin Tucker and Carolina) are projected for 19 points while ours is only projected for 17.
All right, trends! We can look at previous playoff games. RF and PP have faced off twice before in the playoffs, splitting their games. However, in each game, the projected underdog has emerged victorious! So yeah! Finally, we got something going for us!
We don't know how but goddamn it LOBO is not going three straight years without losing to the People's Champion!
No matter if you make it to the championship game or you get knocked out in the first round, our HBFFL playoff teams can take solace that they are not the NoNames this season. But hey Nonamedufus, at least you finished 9th above Gerrog even though you lost the last 10 games straight! Um... it gets better?
Renal Failure is the 2010 HBFFL champion and is tied for 2nd most-regular season wins in HBFFL history (51 - tied with Predator Press) and is tied for 1st with most career playoff wins (4 - tied with Chris's Purple Drank/La Machine teams).
Good Lord, the 9th place nonames (3-10) are playing the 1st place Future Ex-Cons (10-3) this week. I'm taking my cue from Sylvia Plath…and Renal Failure.
When your WR's don't score, you take a savage beating...
Bald Spots got the drop on us in Week 13 with a 103-75 win. Twas a middling week for the People's Champion. Average outings for Shady McCoy and Knowshon Moreno. Cam Newton, very nice 29 point day to make it close. But Jordy Nelson and Wes Welker have gone dry for the People, and that's a cause for concern as we approach the playoffs.
Bald Spots isn't celebrating much because even with the win they've been eliminated from playoff contention, due to Delusions of Adequacy beating Gerrog's Ninjas.
Chun Li didn't trip up Bourbon Blasters in Week 13, it was Future Ex-Cons! Ah Joe, you could have controlled your own destiny...
LOBO gets his 9th win and a playoff spot with his victory over Purple Drank, leaving only one spot open for the two remaining teams in the playoff hunt: Bourbon Blasters and Delusion of Adequacy. Delusion sits at 7-5-1, Blasters at 7-6. Let's run the Week 14 scenario simulator:
Delusion beats Purple Drank, Blasters beat PredPress = Delusion makes the playoffs
Delusion loses to Purple Drank, Blasters beat PredPress = Blasters make the playoffs
Delusion and Blasters both lose = Delusion makes the playoffs
Predator Press has an interest in winning because if they win and Future Ex-Cons loses, both LOBO and Troi will have 10-4 records, with only a slim 16-point edge in Ex-Cons' favor regarding the tiebreaker for the number one seed. But why would a team want the number one seed when number one seeds almost never win the HBFFL crown?
The answer will shock you... maybe... perhaps befuddle you...sort of?
Because Renal Failure is locked in as either a 2 or a 3 seed, and Renal Failure is a lifetime 4-2 in the championship playoffs, and both those losses were in the HBFFL Championship Game (aka The Humor Bowl). Who'd be eager to have us as their first round opponent? No one, that's who.
Artist representation of NoNames' season
NOTE: Predator Press is 3-2 lifetime in the playoffs. We're not counting his consolation game victory in 2009. And yes, Ex-Cons are 2-0 lifetime in the playoffs, but they've only made the playoffs once. RF and PredPress made it three years straight from 2009 through 2011.
If Ex-Cons, PredPress, and RF all win in Week 14. Ex-Cons gets the 1 seed, PredPress the 2, and RF the 3. PredPress wins, Ex-Cons loses, and RF wins, they all finish with 10-4 records and the loser of the PredPress/Ex-Cons tie-breaker faces 3rd seed Renal Failure because your People's Champ is 97-points behind the Ex-Cons in points scored. But the odds of Ex-Cons losing in Week 14 are slim because they're playing NoNames and nonamedufus hasn't beaten anyone since Week 4. He is 0-for-October and November.
NOTE: Good News, NoNames! The record for consecutive losses in a season is 11 (The Menschwarmers in 2008). You can only reach 10 if you lose in Week 14. Now get your head out of that oven!
Being a 3-seed suits us fine because, as you may have read in a previous post, 3-seeds have won the most HBFFL titles (and we were one of them!)
Do you see Renal Failure? Think very carefully about that...
And sure, if we win and PredPress loses, we get the 2nd seed and LOBO gets the 3rd seed, but that just sets us up for an ultimate revenge game to break our losing streak to Predator Press that reaches back to 2011. When was the last Renal Failure win over Predator Press? In the playoffs -the championship game of 2010. How many times has Renal Failure lost an opening round playoff game? Zero. Has any team gone three full seasons without losing to Renal Failure? No.
The universe is in motion, setting up a big finish to the HBFFL regular season and an epic 2013 playoffs for the coveted Humor Bowl.
Renal Failure is the People's Champion of the HBFFL and its 2010 Champion. Renal Failure will make like Mike Tomlin and trip your ass to win another title. Don't you doubt that for a second.
We're gonna skip all the blow-by-blow intricacies. All you need to know is with this week's loss to Kerridan's Okay Team, nonames has now lost 9 weeks in a row, has a 3-10 record and sits in 9th place in the HBFFL.
If you missed us in action in Week 13, I've saved you the video tape…
When you make the playoffs, you feel like the most important man in the world...
Renal Failure fought back for a 2nd straight comeback victory, beating Kerridan's Okay Team 99-97 in Week 12 and earning a playoff berth. On the flipside, Kerridan has been eliminated from playoff contention, being the unlucky victim of Knowshon Moreno's monster 33-point Sunday night.
It's not all sunshine and blowjobs for Renal Failure though. Zac Stacy went down with a concussion, yet another injury to our effective RB ranks. Luckily we've got LeSean McCoy coming back from the bye week feeling fresh and froggy. We need it because our WR corps have not been producing. Jordy Nelson needs Aaron Rodgers back and Wes Welker needs... a hug? We don't know.
Shame on a fantasy football owner who tries to run game on Renal Failure...
At 9-3, your People's Champ is tied for 1st with Future Ex-Cons who lost to Purple Drank, keeping Chris's playoff hopes barely alive for another week. Purple Drank is the longest of the long shots to make the playoffs. Sitting at 5-7, Drank needs to win their last two games vs. Predator Press and Delusion of Adequacy AND needs Bourbon Blasters to lose both their remaining games AND needs Bald Spots to lose once AND Delusion needs to lose in Week 13 (because Delusion would beat Drank at 7-6-1). And even if all that happens, Drank still needs to win the tie breaker against whoever is at 7-7, which does not bode well for Chris because Bourbon Blasters currently has a 101 points-for edge over Drank, and Bald Spots has an 89-point edge over Drank.
Bald Spots... see above except you're only 24 points behind on the tie breaker regarding the Blasters. You get Kerridan in Week 14 - winnable. But you get Renal Failure in Week 13 - not good.
From the longest shots to the surest bet - Predator Press. LOBO gets in with one more win - either over Purple Drank or Bourbon Blasters. But that's boring. Let's talk about how LOBO could blow it. Predator Press misses the playoffs by losing their remaining games AND by Delusion of Adequacy winning out vs. Gerrog's Ninjas and Purple Drank AND EITHER Blasters winning out OR Blasters losing Week 13 but beating PredPress in Week 14 and winning the 8-6 tiebreaker (PredPress currently has a 73 point edge).
Don't get caught with your pants down, LOBO...
Bourbon Blasters are in control of their destiny - win both remaining games and Joe is playoff bound. If they go 1-1, they'll need Delusion AND PredPress to lose out (see PredPress's 73pt tie breaker edge). If they go 0-2, they'll need Delusion to lose out, and Bald Spots and Purple Drank will also have to lose a game, but if Spots and/or Drank go 2-0 and tie Blasters at 7-7 there's the matter of the tie breaker. Remember, Spots is only 24 points behind on the tie breaker and will be on a two-game win streak in this scenario.
Delusion needs some help to get in, but it's doable. If Delusion wins out and Predator Press and Bourbon Blasters get stuck on 8 wins, Delusion will get the 3rd seed with their 8-5-1 record. If Delusion wins out and Bourbon Blasters goes 0-2, Delusion will get the 4th seed.
Who gets their clothes moved to the consolation playoffs peg?
The battle for the #1 seed is on, but it's not really a race worth winning historically in the HBFFL. Aside from Fantasy Virgin (aka Bourbon Blasters Joe disguised as his wife) in the inaugural 2008 season, no other #1 seed has won the HBFFL championship. Note: Predator Press was tied for the best record in 2011 with Purple Drank at 10-4, however Purple Drank held the tiebreaker and was ranked first in the standings. Only two #1 seeds out of 5 seasons have made it to the championship game (2008 Fantasy Virgin and 2009's Renal Failure) while three HBFFL champions have won with 8-6 records (2009 Purple Drank, 2010 Renal Failure, and 2012 Future Ex-Cons). But no #4 seed has ever won the championship either - '09 Drank, '10 RF, and '12 Ex-Cons were #3 seeds.
Two weeks left to figure all this crap out. Whose hopes will be dashed in Week 13?
Kneel before Zod... and Cam Newton's 28-point Monday night!
Your People's Champion claimed a come-from-behind victory over Delusions of Adequacy 111-99, thanks to Cam Newton's performance. Delusion was up 91-82, but only had Kicker Steve Gostkowski to counter our yet-to-play QB. The nine-point edge wasn't enough, and Renal Failure earns an important 8th win of the season with 3 left to play.
One more win earns the People a playoff berth, as Troi's Ex-Cons claimed a spot with their victory over Gerrog's Ninjas. And the schedule is in the People's favor for getting at least one more victory, as Renal Failure faces 4-6-1 Kerridan's Okay Team in Week 12, 5-6 Bald Spots, and 3-8 Gerrog's Ninjas - all teams that Renal Failure has beaten already.
Renal Failure loves knocking people out... of the playoff picture!
Mathematically-speaking everyone's still in the playoff hunt, but realistically we're pretty sure 6 wins will not get you that last playoff spot so Ninjas and NoNames are out. 7 wins gives you a remote possibility - and being 7-6-1 gives you a better chance - so Kerridan needs to win out his remaining games and hope that two other teams don't reach 8 wins. This means Renal Failure has the opportunity to crush Kerridan's playoff dreams with a win in Week 12. There might be some difficulty getting that win though because the NFL's leading rusher and steady Renal Failure bear-chucker LeSean McCoy is on a bye week. Luckily the People get Zac Stacy back in the Renal Failure lineup and he's likely to put up huge numbers vs. the Bears.
If Kerridan wants to stay in the playoff conversation, he'll need big weeks out Jamaal Charles, Andre Johnson, and Rob Gronkowski to carry his lineup. Ben Roethlisberger had a huge bear-in-deep-space Week 11, but can he do it two weeks in a row? Doubtful.
The last couple weeks of the regular season can be exciting... yet BRUTAL!
Yahoo! likes our chances of winning this week, and we're cool with our chances too. Winning out the season would give us 11 wins, but probably not first place. Future Ex-Cons is a game up on us, is way ahead on points scored, and their final three games are against 4-7 Purple Drank, 6-5 Bourbon Blasters, and 3-8 NoNames. They're unlikely to lose two or all three of those games. But for Purple Drank, a win keeps their slim playoff hopes alive for another week, and would certainly provide them with confidence vs. Predator Press and Delusion in Weeks 13 and 14.
Delusion at 5-5-1 is the wild card danger team because if they win out they're almost assured to get that last playoff spot even if another team reaches 8 wins, thanks to their Week 10 tie with Kerridan. 8-5-1 is how Renal Failure snuck into the playoffs in 2011, which lead to an appearance in the Humor Bowl in Week 16. Even 7-6-1 spells trouble for other teams - that's the record that got Purple Drank into the playoffs last season. Never trust teams with ties.
Bald Spots can get to 8 wins if they win out. They just need to beat Delusion this week, the People's Champ the following week, and Kerridan in the finale. The good news for them is that if it comes down to a tiebreaker, either at 7 or 8 wins, they're in a competitive position with points scored.
PredPress only needs one win to reach 8, and will probably get it vs. Gerrog this week, or possibly Purple Drank the next. They don't want to have a must-win game vs. Bourbon Blasters in Week 14. Drew Brees ain't screwing around. And if a 7-win log jam occurs, the tie-breaker bodes well for them in the points scored department.
Speaking of the Blasters, at 6-5 they only need 2 wins to get to the Magic 8th win, but their schedule is tough. Yes, they're up against the 7-game losing streak-owning NoNames this week, but they draw first place Ex-Cons then 3rd place PredPress to end the season. The Blasters losing is key to creating a 7-win jam for the last playoff spot.
It's going to be an exciting end to the 2013 HBFFL regular season - except for NoNames and Gerrog. Sorry dudes. It hurts. We've been there. It happens.
Yeah, that's me, in case you didn't recognize me. Biggest Blowout? Sure, on the losing end. Purple Drank skunked the nowins 131-67 for our seventh loss in a row. I think there's an award for the most losses in the league, isn't there?
I think my problem is I've been so busy following Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's antics I've not paid enough attention to fantasy football. Yeah, that's it, me and the Mayor were in a drunken stupor last week.
Clearly there's a crack in my fantasy football strategy.
Nowins' QB Manning's (Eli's not coming folks) 15 fantasy points, WR Victor Cruz's 10 and RB Reggie Bush's 10 were no match for Drank's QB Stafford's 33 fantasy points, WR Antonio Brown's 33 and RB Ray Rice's 25 respectively.
The nowins are now in 9th spot, recently vacated by Purple Drank who slips into 8th.
Way to go Drank. Is that Purple stuff some kind of energy drink? Can you pass some over here, huh?
Still with the drinking theme, next week nowins takes on 4th place Bourbon Blasters.
There goes our win streak... and Arian Foster for the season...
Hopefully we'll get our revenge on LOBO at the sweetest moment... in the playoffs, in the championship game. Until then, we've got Delusions of Adequacy to beat to get that important 8th win.
TWICE this month, I deployed
quarterbacks (Cutler, Locker) that delivered negative points. To
paraphrase, I would have been better off not playing quarterbacks at
all.
But this time it worked out. I was
playing Renal Failure. My dear friend RF
cunningly used Cam Newtron -the inventor of gravity- in an attempt to
launch numerous bears into space. But the bears he was using were fat,
shut-in bears, lazy from seven victories, while the Preds cleverly brought Brandon
Marshall starving, malnourished, emaciated bear cubs. (Fuck you, PETA. This is football.)
PETA: Brandon Marshall got 5
points with aerodynamic "Cuddles."
She died bravely in a fumble,
and was very, very tasty.
Still, Predator Press
needs a solid TE. We tried to trade nonames with a very generous offer for Tony Gonzalez, and he rejected it. In retrospect we would like to thank nonames for his foresight and continued support of Predator Press, as this would have ruined our season entirely. But we are still offering Le'Veon Bell and/or a nice portfolio of WR …
… Because the big dog in the house is
the Future Ex-Cons.
Are we really going to let a sadistic,
child torturing “teacher” win two seasons in a row?
The Packers gave my man Aaron Rodgers a new helmet.
As a result of week 10's match-up between no names and Gerrog's Ninjas, nonames now has the distinction of having the longest current losing streak in the HBFFL. Hey it's not everybody that can claim such a record. Um, in fact, it's nobody else that even comes close.
I'm not going to go into a blow-by-blow overview of the nonames loss. But when Ninja's St Louis Rams' defence racks up 25 points you can understand how the fix was in.
WR Golden Tate and RB Reggie Bush racked up 21 and 15 respectively but it wasn't enough. WR Victor Cruz carried the ball for 3 fantasy points. And with primo QB Aaron Rodgers out, back up QB Eli Manning only racked up 9 points. The score: Ninjas 88 - nonames 70.
8th place? 6 straight losses? How do I feel about all this?
We weren't going to post this week about our 7-straight victory, but then we saw this in the Yahoo! recap of our Week Nine victory of Troi's Future Ex-Con's.
"Renal Failure has developed a reputation as unbeatable after winning their last seven."
The kindest words we've heard all season... and they come from an automated recap program. Oh well, a win's a win - 104-78 over the 1st place highest scoring team in the HBFFL. Yeah, he didn't have Peyton Manning or Frank Gore, but we didn't have Wes Welker (or technically Arian Foster too). Bye week blues get no pity from us. Even Jonathan Martin would tell you to buck up.
ZAC STACY 34-POINT BEAR IN ORBIT DAY!!!
Will we get to 8 straight wins in Week 10 vs. 3rd place Predator Press(6-3)? Yahoo! doesn't seem to think so, giving LOBO a 106-88 projected edge in our matchup. For a second week this season, a Renal Failure victory could hinge on Nick Foles forgetting how to play quarterback after a deep space bear-chucking previous week.
LOBO doesn't remember what it's like to lose to Renal Failure, because he hasn't done that since the HBFFL championship game of 2010...
At 7-2, Renal Failure is only two wins away from the magic nine win mark. No team in the HBFFL has ever missed the playoffs with nine wins. Only two teams have missed the playoffs with 8 wins (2008 Renal Failure and 2011 NoNames), and only one team has made it in with 7 wins (Purple Drank in 2012 at 7-6-1).
Renal Failure is the 2010 HBFFL and FTWL champion, as well as the People's Champion. Every week Richie Incognito calls our voicemail and leaves us a pep talk. We still haven't found his brother Guy Incognito though.
So the People's Champion is pulling a Pearl Harbor and launching his attack at the Cons during their moment of weakness. Renal Failure has commenced his dastardly dive bombing run on a week where the Cons have 4 players on a BYE. Most notably, NFL's Prince Valiant, Peyton Manning and his trusty squire Eric of Decker are on leave. Also, the Cons are not able to Gore the People's Chump and will resort to praying that Lord Robert Griffin the Third will return to his tournament days and gallop his way to victory. Don't get me wrong, these are not excuses. The Once and Future Cons can suffer to toss a win to the needy Failures and still rule the Round Table of Bloggers. After all, this will be nothing more than a flesh wound. Have at thee!!!
The nonames went up against Renal Failure in Week 8 and lost a squeaker by 10 points. In a roller coaster series of games, RF got an early lead Thursday night with 30 points turned in by QB Cam Newton. But after the early games Sunday nonames pulled ahead by about 30 points. After the late afternoon games nonames was still leading by 4 points. It was the Sunday night game that did the nonames in.
The nonames had one player left - my man Aaron Rodgers. But RF went up against us with Jordy Nelson and the Green Bay defence. The end result was RF 117 and nonames 107. Crap.
Yahoo says the nonames could have beaten all the other teams in Week 8. All the other teams but Renal Failure. Thanks Yahoo.
Victor Cruz: Fantasy Failure
Victor Cruz, with a measly 8 points has now underachieved for the nonames in four straight games. What nonames should have done was bench Cruz and activate Golden Tate who garnered 23 points. It would have made the difference between winning and losing. Ah, isn't hindsight wonderful?
But even with the loss the nonames jumped one spot from 7th to 6th place and heading into Week 9 we're contemplating a victory against 7th place Bald Spots.
No offence there B.S. but I hope we don't go through this again...
It's scary how good Renal Failure's doing this year...
Yes, your People's Champion has been preoccupied with the business of the People for much of the 2013 HBFFL season and has not had time for our usual weekly reviews and previews. But we have carved out some quality time to thoroughly review the 1st half of our 2013 season for the amusement of - well, ourselves.
The 2013 season did not get off to a good start for Renal Failure, as we went 0-2 in two tough games against Predator Press (Colin Kaepernick's only awesome game of the season) and Delusion of Adequacy (a close 104-102 loss). It started looking like we'd muddle through 2013 like we did in 2012 when we went 5-8-1. But as any follower of the HBFFL knows, you can never count out the People's Champion... because we're also known as The Wild Card, bitches!
Renal Failure... sneaking up on your ass since 2008!
BOOM! Five-game winning streak! Call it a team finally cohering together, or call it Renal Failure running through the teams at the bottom of the standings who can't put up points (teams have scored a absoludicrously league-low 538 points against Renal Failure. The 2nd-lowest total belongs to 1st place Future Ex-Cons at 628), but you have to call it the longest winning streak so far this year in the HBFFL.
Time to go to work - Renal Failure style!
Note: Renal Failure also has the 2nd highest points scored in the league with 694. Only Ex-Cons have scored more with a ridiculous 825 points.
It all started with a 103-71 Week Three victory over Kerridan's Okay Team, continued in Week Four with a 116-72 romp over Bald Spots, rolled along in Week Five with a 91-65 over Gerrog's Ninjas (only because Gerrog left Tony Romo's 52 points on the bench), and then laid the smackdown on Purple Drank 128-71 in Week Six for our biggest margin of victory this year. Okay Team, Spots, Ninjas, and Drank were a combined 7-17 going into Week Seven.
And Week Seven is where things got very weird... and devious. Prior to the Week 7 games, Renal Failure completed a trade with their opponent that week, the Bourbon Blasters. A Miami swap, as it were, with us sending RB Lamar Miller to the Blasters for burgeoning TE Charles Clay.
Joe obviously thought he was getting something really good in this deal because he plugged Miller directly into his starting lineup, maybe as a much-needed spark to the offense with his cherished Drew Brees on a bye week (though Joe picked up QB Nick Foles who had a monster game in Week Six vs. Tampa Bay and was sure to light up a weak Cowboys defense). Did Joe outsmart the devious Renal Failure on this exchange?
Renal Failure isn't trapped in this league with you, you're trapped in this league with Renal Failure!
There's a reason Renal Failure is known as the goddamn devil when it comes to trades...
First, knowing that prized RB DeMarco Murray was out with an injury for the Blasters, Renal Failure used his high waiver ranking to snatch up Dallas backup RB Joseph Randle off the wire. Your People's Champ is all about running back depth, and considering how porous the Eagles defense is against everything it was a prudent preventive pickup with Joe needing RB help. With that in mind, we traded Miller for Clay so Joe could get the RB he needed and we could shore up our TE depth. Unfortunately for Joe, Miller only scored 4 points in Week Seven while the benched Ryan Mathews put up 22 and Stevan Ridley put up 11.
Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory has our back!
Then came a cavalcade of injuries. Renal Failure lost Arian Foster early in the Texans/Chiefs game. Joe had the misfortune of starting Nick Foles on the week he forgot how to play quarterback, and then he got knocked out of the game after only put up 6 measly points. Any chance for a miracle comeback was snuffed out by WR Reggie Wayne tearing his ACL in the Sunday night game vs. the Broncos. Aside from Fred Jackson's 13pts, no one scored over 6 in the Blaster's starting lineup.
But this wasn't a good week for the People's Champ either. Cam Newton had a team high 16 points and Jordy Nelson was the only other starter to breach the double-digit mark (10pts). Foles' shit day trickled down to Shady McCoy (7pts). Foster managed a single point before leaving the game. If not for the 9-point days from WR Wes Welker and K Matt Prater, things would have been a lot less comfortable for us in that Sunday night Indy/Denver game.
If we can take the time to Tuesday Morning Quarterback the Blasters - and we will - if Joe had picked up Geno Smith or Marc Glennon off waivers as his QB instead of Foles, and if he had started Ryan Mathews like he would have had he not acquired Lamar Smith, he'd be the one standing over the ruins of the People's winning streak.
But he didn't, and Renal Failure was victorious with an Arena League-looking 64-38 score, and the People's winning streak lives on - five games strong.
Have you seen our RB depth? WE ARE THE DANGER!!!
So what does the second half of the season hold for Renal Failure - aside from continuing to throw out trade proposals to pretty much every team after we've had a few pitchers of Tom Collinses and a shaker of formaldehyde?
Your Mom wasn't even a Snickers Super Sleeper pick!
Roster-wise, it's pretty good. Arian Foster got injured a decent time because Week Eight is his bye week so he's got some time to recover. In the meantime, we've got Knowshon Moreno (5th highest fantasy scoring RB in the HBFFL) or Zac Stacy (14pts in Week Seven and bound to get a lot more touches now that Sam Bradford is done for the season) standing by to pick up the slack. We picked up WR Percy Harvin off the wire and he should be ready to shine when Wes Welker's bye week hits in Week Nine (if not, we're hoping Roddy White is finally ready to play). Jordy Nelson is now the primary receiving target in Green Bay. Cam Newton always has bear-into-space launching potential. LeSean McCoy is going to carry the load in Philly with QB's Foles and Michael Vick banged up. Hell, even Matt Prater's the highest scoring kicker in the league. The evidence is clear that we've transformed a B-grade draft into a A-grade roster.
Schedule-wise, things look to be in the People's favor. 3-4 NoNames come into Week Eight with no consistent running game. First-place 6-1 Future Ex-Cons won't have chronic-bear-into-orbit chucker Peyton Manning, Frank Gore, or Eric Decker in Week Nine. After that it's revenge games against PredPress and Delusion (which Renal Failure traditionally does well in) then we grind out the bottom of the standings again vs. Okay Team, Bald Spots, and Ninjas. A 4-3 run gets Renal Failure to the magic 9-win mark that makes a playoff berth likely. Going 5-2 or 6-1 all but guarantees post-season action. 7-0 means shit has gone crazy because we'd have a 10-game winning streak going into the playoffs.
The 2nd half begins now... see you after the collapse in seven weeks.
Renal Failure was the 2010 HBFFL and FTWL champion, and the runner-up in 2009 and 2011. We invented the fantasy football term "throw a bear into outer space" to describe a player's abnormally-high point performance.
This photo has nothing to do with football but everything to do with my fantasy.
"nonames scored 71 points against a projected 85.50 and underachieved for the fourth time this season, including the last three weeks in a row."
As if I needed to read that comment. Yeah, nonames lost last week and slipped into the netherlands of 7th place. That's what happens when you plug in Brandon Jacobs on Saturday and he's "O" just before game time Monday. There's no way to replace him at that late date. All possible replacement players are on the Waiver Wire and only available on October 23. What good is that for crying out loud?
But then I've always been an under-achiever. I failed Grade 9 and it's been all down hill since then. I dropped out of school. Hung out with the wrong crowd. Ended up in the big house. No really, after I got my life together I bought a big house. What did you think I meant?
My man Rodgers racked up 28 points but it wasn't enough. Going into Monday night's game I needed 26 points to beat Delusions of Adequacy. With Jacobs out all I had left was WR Victor Cruz. Cruz, in a NYG win, only came up with 5 fantasy points.
So here we sit, three spots below last week when we were in 4th position. This week I'm up against my old nemesis Renal Failure who currently sits in the #2 spot. Like the man says, please be kind RF.
Why, against all reason, am i blogging and about Fantasy Foosball no less? Foosball is the devil. Which makes Fantasy Foosball, the devil's fantasy.
Just like meth, one should treat blogging with a view of "Not even once." Really, who even blogs anymore? It's a dead media. Today's society is way too fast for that. If it can't be said in 140 characters or less, then it loses the audience. Why write when an Instagram says a thousand words? #KidsCanNotRead In fact, there's a quote going around my FB feed that perfectly summarizes my point: "Frak blogging" Abraham Lincoln. See, if our most beloved US President said it, then it must be true. Blogging is for people who like to hear themselves talk but in writing. It's for people who believe themselves better than those who vlog on youtube. "Look at me, I can talk but I'm gonna make it more complicated by saying it with my fingers." But I digress and must go back to the point.
Why am I blogging? LOBO made me do it.
It started with a cryptic letter. The letter had some fanatical claims. LOBO claimed, "I KNOW you blog." Ninja, please. I'm a Social Media Connoisseur. Do you think Jay-Z would stoop to blogging? LOBO also claimed that it would be a perfect opportunity to exchange some trash talking since my #1 Ranked Future Ex-Cons and his #2 team(and believe me, there's a HUGE drop off from 1 and 2. It's like as if #1 is eating ice cream and #2 is eating razor blades.) Predator Press. Sure, we have the same 5-1-0 record and my team happens to come first alphabetically, but if LOBO was smart then he would have named his team "A Predator Press". Yet he didn't so let's all go doubt his mental acumen. It's okay, you know you already do. I'm not saying he's dumb, but if the cap fits...
Let's just say it's time for Peyton Manning to smack Jay Cutler upside the head.
His previous tired tirade in this "Humor" blog league also claims that as a teacher, I am somehow raising some army to think and act as I do. Well, yes, but what army is going to keep the evil that is LOBO at bay? Someone has to do it and I will gladly order that code red to keep you all safe.
*The views in this entry does not represent the views of this blog as a whole, its other authors, or this particular author either.*
When KHAN and LOBO were in college, it
was a simpler time. Al Gore, in desperate need of pornography, had
just invented the internet. “Titanic” dominated the box office.
Hawaii -somehow ever oblivious to pop culture- still believed “Red
Red Wine” and “Margaritaville” were the only goddamn fucking
songs ever written. A misguided Melody B had fallen hopelessly for LOBO's irresistible manliness, and he spent entire semesters relentlessly
being chased by her. Poor thing.
At some point KHAN went totally
rogue. What turned him to the Dark Side?
Why did he hate children so much? Was it the time LOBO tried to make a Xerox copy of a mirror? No one really knows. But in retrospect, KHAN was
laying the groundwork of his sinister ambitions the whole time.
He became a teacher.
For more than ten years
now, KHAN's reign of terror upon adolescence has been merciless, replete with forcing poor innocent kids to “learn” stuff, do
homework, and watch books. He lectures for endless excruciating hours about utterly useless crap like math and history -utterly avoiding the more practical skills like shoplifting, insurance fraud, and funneling frequent microscopic profits into untaxable offshore bank accounts. And
knowing that LOBO is perhaps the only man who can stop this sadistic madness, KHAN
hatched yet another diabolic plan: to defeat our hero this week on
the HBFFL gridiron.
Who can defeat KHAN and his juggernaut Future Ex Cons?
-And can LOBO save our children from KHAN's evil clutches?
Boy that was a rough week for the nonames. If we continue like this much longer I'll be bald before the end of the season.
My man Rodgers, and his largely on the ground game against Baltimore, came through with 26 fantasy points and RB Reggie Bush pulled in 18 points. But the rest of my guys phoned in their performances including WR Victor Cruz with 6 points, WR Dez Bryant with all of 3 points and K Steve Janikowski with 1.
Byes and injuries did us in, in our 97-63 loss to Predator Press, with TE Tony Gonzalez and K Matt Bryant among those on the nonames bench this week.
As a result the nonames slipped to 5th place and Predator Press vaulted into the number 2 spot. Way to go LOBO. QB Jay Cutler's 23 points and fellow Bears WR Brandon Marshall's 20, not to mention WR Justin Blackman's 24 points helped you really put our match out of my reach.
And how did it make me feel?
This week nonames goes up against Delusions of Adequacy. Let's hope they live up to their name.
It would seem Troi's Future Ex-Cons are aptly named. This week they and their fantasy QB Peyton Manning stole a victory from the nonames. My man' Rodgers' measly 19 fantasy points couldn't hold a candle to Mr. Manning's 45. Even my reserve QB, Eli "Interception" Manning racked up more points than Mr Rodgers with 23.
Hey, Rodgers. Pull my finger.
My nonames had a bunch of under performing idiots lat week. Victor Cruz amassed 4 points. David Wilson picked up 7 points. Reggie Bush gathered 6 points. What the hell?
And while the nonames were pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, the Ex Cons - in particular Manning - were pulling a bootleg. Hell he not only deaked out Dallas but the camera man too!
The one bright spot for nonames was WR Dez Bryant who really put in an effort with 30 points, more than double the Yahoo projection for him last week.
I don't know if there was a full moon last week or what but the nonames had to hire a fumigator to clean out their dressing room after last week's games because they stank so much.
So the Cons are number one and the nonames have slipped into 4th spot.
In the coming week we go up against that loopy luddite LOBO and his Predator Press, currently in 2nd place.
I sure hope we don't steal defeat from the jaws of victory two weeks in a row.
Woe to thee, Joe! Behold my secret surprise strategy that will destroy you tomorrow:
Team Predator Press will be divided in half. The first half, Seal Team L, will be in charge of getting the football into a rectangular scoring area in the grass also known as the "End Zone." Meanwhile Walrus Squad 17 will simultaneously try to get the football into a completely different spot in this same "End Zone."
Ha! Sporting platitudes like "May the Best Player Win" are pretty patronizing when my superior football acumen is so obvious; as long as squads 'L' and '17' are both facing the correct direction, Predator Press can't lose. We will crush the bones of the hapless and helpless Bourbon Blasters into
a chalky paste. And then we will pour that hapless and helpless paste into a zinc smelter. And then Peyton Manning will throw that zinc smelter into the Sun!
Soon, the 'Best Fantasy Football Player' will have won, just as Destiny has already foreseen in the past future recently.
My man Rodgers had a bye week but it didn't seem to matter. The Nonames were on the positive side of the biggest blow out this week against Kerridan's Not So Okay Team to the tune of 139-95, with Eli Manning behind Centre. This guy is breaking bad with the highest number of interceptions in the league this year. I had to pull him off the bench to replace my man Rodgers (did I mention he was my man?) I think he must be on meth.
That's the last time I use Walter White as my personal trainer.
Despite Manning's dismal loss and measly 13 fan points Nonames pulled things out thanks to amazing performances from TE Tony Gonzalez (31pts), WR Victor Cruz (29pts), W/R Reggie Bush (27pts) and WR Dez Bryant (20pts).
Yahoo had positioned Nonames as the underdog in last week's match up with Kerridan's Okay Team. Shows you what they know. So we remain in 3rd spot and this week take on Troi's 2nd place Future Ex-Cons.
This could get interesting. I like Troi and it'd be a shame to beat him. But, hey, all's fair in love and fantasy football.
So until Thursday, I'll be over in the corner doing my happy dance with Carlton...
And if you want a somewhat different look from the view of all the QBs last week click on this link. After having read it you may want to bookmark it or like it on your Facebook page. It's always hilarious.
Psychotically strung out from insane amounts of overtime at work -and with the Christmas rush still looming over the horizon- a month ago, I decided I would simply autodraft a fairly solid team: this would hopefully give me a span of low maintenance fantasy football for a few weeks.
Already sleep deprived and feeling like I've been fired via cannon into a cinderblock wall, I made few "tweaks" in my rankings -I even abandoned my usual "draft quarterbacks late" strategy. And when Yahoo gave me an A+ on my draft -even after I won the first two weeks- I bit my tongue: I knew the whole time I would have to eat my Edward Snowdenburger soon enough.
-But week three? Jesus Christ, the Predator Press locker room looks like Normandy Beach in 1941. The Preds couldn't have defeated Gerrog's Ninjas even if you included our bench points.
Ben Roethlisberger and I have both requested to Roger Goodell this entire season be scrubbed.
The only difference is Nonames were on the winning end of Week 2's Biggest Blowout. In Week 3 we were on the losing end to Bourbon Blasters to the tune of 59-126. And we slipped to third place while BBs took over our 2nd place spot.
How the hell did this happen? Someone called Drew Brees rubbed Aaron Rodgers nose in the football field dirt.
Wipe that smile off your face Brees. This supposed to be a picture of Rodgers.
BBs QB Brees chalked up 40 points against NNs QB Rodgers and his 14 measly fantasy points. At least Aaron has a job in TV commercials to fall back on. But it won't do the Nonames any good.
RB DeMarco Murray helped the BBs out too with 30 points.
I knew I'd lost the week before the first Sunday game was over and the fat lady and David Wilson and his pitiful 3 points hadn't even sung yet.
And it didn't help that Detroit pulled Reggie Bush before game time.
And the New York Giants in real life fell to the Panthers to the tune of 38-0. To the who? So Wilson(3) was a big disappointment. As was Cruz(2).
Week 4 sees the Nonames take on 7th place Kerridan's Okay Team.
Don't worry Nonames. We'll get 'em next week.
Yeah, right, Aaron. You'v got a bye next week, dummy.
