Thursday, December 5, 2013

Week 14: The Taco Grande Finale

by Renal Failure

When your WR's don't score, you take a savage beating...

Bald Spots got the drop on us in Week 13 with a 103-75 win. Twas a middling week for the People's Champion. Average outings for Shady McCoy and Knowshon Moreno.  Cam Newton, very nice 29 point day to make it close.  But Jordy Nelson and Wes Welker have gone dry for the People, and that's a cause for concern as we approach the playoffs.

Bald Spots isn't celebrating much because even with the win they've been eliminated from playoff contention, due to Delusions of Adequacy beating Gerrog's Ninjas.

Chun Li didn't trip up Bourbon Blasters in Week 13, it was Future Ex-Cons!  Ah Joe, you could have controlled your own destiny...

LOBO gets his 9th win and a playoff spot with his victory over Purple Drank, leaving only one spot open for the two remaining teams in the playoff hunt: Bourbon Blasters and Delusion of Adequacy. Delusion sits at 7-5-1, Blasters at 7-6.  Let's run the Week 14 scenario simulator:
  1. Delusion beats Purple Drank, Blasters beat PredPress = Delusion makes the playoffs
  2. Delusion loses to Purple Drank, Blasters beat PredPress = Blasters make the playoffs
  3. Delusion and Blasters both lose = Delusion makes the playoffs
Predator Press has an interest in winning because if they win and Future Ex-Cons loses, both LOBO and Troi will have 10-4 records, with only a slim 16-point edge in Ex-Cons' favor regarding the tiebreaker for the number one seed.  But why would a team want the number one seed when number one seeds almost never win the HBFFL crown?

The answer will shock you... maybe... perhaps befuddle you...sort of?

Because Renal Failure is locked in as either a 2 or a 3 seed, and Renal Failure is a lifetime 4-2 in the championship playoffs, and both those losses were in the HBFFL Championship Game (aka The Humor Bowl).  Who'd be eager to have us as their first round opponent?  No one, that's who.

Artist representation of NoNames' season
NOTE: Predator Press is 3-2 lifetime in the playoffs. We're not counting his consolation game victory in 2009. And yes, Ex-Cons are 2-0 lifetime in the playoffs, but they've only made the playoffs once.  RF and PredPress made it three years straight from 2009 through 2011.

If Ex-Cons, PredPress, and RF all win in Week 14. Ex-Cons gets the 1 seed, PredPress the 2, and RF the 3.  PredPress wins, Ex-Cons loses, and RF wins, they all finish with 10-4 records and the loser of the PredPress/Ex-Cons tie-breaker faces 3rd seed Renal Failure because your People's Champ is 97-points behind the Ex-Cons in points scored.  But the odds of Ex-Cons losing in Week 14 are slim because they're playing NoNames and nonamedufus hasn't beaten anyone since Week 4.  He is 0-for-October and November.

NOTE: Good News, NoNames!  The record for consecutive losses in a season is 11 (The Menschwarmers in 2008). You can only reach 10 if you lose in Week 14. Now get your head out of that oven!

Being a 3-seed suits us fine because, as you may have read in a previous post, 3-seeds have won the most HBFFL titles (and we were one of them!)

Do you see Renal Failure? Think very carefully about that...

And sure, if we win and PredPress loses, we get the 2nd seed and LOBO gets the 3rd seed, but that just sets us up for an ultimate revenge game to break our losing streak to Predator Press that reaches back to 2011.  When was the last Renal Failure win over Predator Press? In the playoffs  -the championship game of 2010. How many times has Renal Failure lost an opening round playoff game? Zero. Has any team gone three full seasons without losing to Renal Failure?  No.

The universe is in motion, setting up a big finish to the HBFFL regular season and an epic 2013 playoffs for the coveted Humor Bowl. 

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of the HBFFL and its 2010 Champion. Renal Failure will make like Mike Tomlin and trip your ass to win another title. Don't you doubt that for a second.


nonamedufus said...

You mean someone's beat me at losses, too? Jesus on a cracker.

Michael Wolfe said...


I think the only reason 1st place is worth anything is because they play 4th place in week 15 instead of 3rd or 2nd -an edge that probably looks better on paper than anything else as we tend to be streaky.

The "head out of the oven" thing made me laugh, as I just noticed the nonames are playing the 1st place teams in both leagues this week.

Again, I love these playoff breakdowns RF! Your insight and writing clarity really distil complex potential outcomes and add excitement to the season. You are very talented, and that makes me want to jealously punish your team that much more.

renalfailure said...

If only I could make money off my keen analysis of the HBFFL...