Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Don't Cry For Me Argentina -You Are Making Us All Look Like Whiny Bitches

FEEL the agony.
Feel it.
Predator Press


Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.

-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.

I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:

#1) Adrian Peterson

In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.

Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?

#2) Pope Francis

Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.

-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.

#3) Al Gore

For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.

#4) Rebecca Black

Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.

-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.

#5) Unfinished Rambler

Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.

(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)

#6) Hurricane Katrina

I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.


This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth.  Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year.  So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.

-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?

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