Saturday, August 30, 2008

Pre-Season Surrenders Are Now Being Accepted

Predator Press


Clearly a little short on sports experience and knowledge (I once played a really, really long game of marbles, but I’m very rusty and out-of-shape now), I’ve decided to abandon the football aspect entirely and pour all my efforts into the ‘fantasy’ side.

So while all these other losers are studyin’ they're lil charts and graphs and watching padded glandular freaks run back and forth totally wreckin up somebody’s yard on television, I will be 'fantasizing' about endorsement deals, product lines, and above all Victory.

And don’t think I’m not ready for the ‘football’ thing either: my team has a bunch of guys on it (Ladainian is a guy’s name, right?), and I’m sure they will have no problem smacking just as many home runs out of the park as any of these other people.

But as a precaution, my guys will also have hydraulic diamond bonesaw jaws with razorwire braces, chainsaws for arms, and eat live kittens. And not 'cause there hungry either: they just eat kittens for the sheer amusement. Or like when you get invited to a 'brunch' and you already ate a stack of flapjacks so you eat something totally devoid of any calories or protein like a grapefruit just to fake it (because you have to eat something or everyone else will feel weird and uncomfortable eating in front of you), my guys would be spooning out live kittens sautéed in salted broken glass.

And bullets.



Chris C said...

Just glass and no nails?


unfinishedrambling said...

I have a cat. I'm not amused. :) No, really, actually I'm not. :(

And hey, are you just recycling PhotoShop-ped photos from previous posts? I think I remember similar photos to these about your post on the lepers playing football. Luckily, there's not a click-through to here, so I don't have to vote for it, because I soooo wouldn't.

Chris C said...

Fight nice kids.

If the two of you could settle this matter privately I would appreciate it. Thanks guys.

Paula said...

Hahahahaha! Funny post Lobo!

My guys wear pink helmets and glittery jockstraps and we dance naked to Barry White to get ready for the games.

Hey! Let's all get into a big fight over whose cat is the best next. That'd be cool.


Canucklehead said...

my local sports team is superior to yours! that is all.

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