Clearly a little short on sports experience and knowledge (I once played a really, really long game of marbles, but I’m very rusty and out-of-shape now), I’ve decided to abandon the football aspect entirely and pour all my efforts into the ‘fantasy’ side.
So while all these other losers are studyin’ they're lil charts and graphs and watching padded glandular freaks run back and forth totally wreckin up somebody’s yard on television, I will be 'fantasizing' about endorsement deals, product lines, and above all Victory.
And don’t think I’m not ready for the ‘football’ thing either: my team has a bunch of guys on it (Ladainian is a guy’s name, right?), and I’m sure they will have no problem smacking just as many home runs out of the park as any of these other people.
But as a precaution, my guys will also have hydraulic diamond bonesaw jaws with razorwire braces, chainsaws for arms, and eat live kittens. And not 'cause there hungry either: they just eat kittens for the sheer amusement. Or like when you get invited to a 'brunch' and you already ate a stack of flapjacks so you eat something totally devoid of any calories or protein like a grapefruit just to fake it (because you have to eat something or everyone else will feel weird and uncomfortable eating in front of you), my guys would be spooning out live kittens sautéed in salted broken glass.