The Sum of Its Parts

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Every year, right around the draft, I offer the same pointers that explicitly contrast everyone else offering fantasy football tips. They are rejected as laughable and that's okay -but it bears mention I've made the Finals over several consecutive years.

It's free advice, and worth every penny.

I keep two tight ends, two kickers, and two defenses on my roster as deep into the season as I can. Further, I aggressively upgrade them as able. My theory is that these three positions, optimized and combined, are the equivalent of one superstar. In a mediocre matchup, these positions can haul in 20 points. How did Arian Foster fare this week?

Now that said, this is likely the last year this advice will be useful; next year we are likely adding an additional flex position. Having joined a random NFL.com league this year (to explore and compare features*), I've accidentally observed this mitigates my strategy entirely; the team size limitations and volatility of running back and wide receiver performance override "nursing" positions. It's an entirely different experience. In contrast to our current format, it will seem like you are playing virtually your entire roster every week.

I think I was "condition-specifically" right, and weirdly everyone else was right too.

* While NFL.com has some nifty bells and whistles, I'm not seeing any perks that warrant migrating leagues except that the overall experience seems somehow more "official." I suppose if Chris had interest, I would migrate both leagues ... but I don't see an upside worth the hassle at this time.

Semi-Auto

Predator Press

[LOBO]

First I would like to greet my esteemed friends, respected colleagues, and Renal Failure, and welcome all the co-members and fans to what will doubtlessly be another white-knuckled HBFFL football season.

Personally appearing at the first HBFFL live draft was a difficult undertaking ... I had spilled out of the emergency room only hours before. But in the face of a universe that conspired against it mightily, I was there.

One could argue I need not have appeared at all. I had ranked players, and an absolute, galvanized Faith in those rankings -plus I would spend about 60% of the draft on autopick anyway.

“But LOBO,” the vast legions of Predator Press fans cried. “You can‘t use computers to pick your football team! Computers are good at one thing and one thing only ... Pornography!”

Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves and then jumped from tall buildings. But this is my second year of experimenting with mock drafts, so I'm not only well-rehearsed, but I have a pretty good understanding of the autodraft "logic."

My plan was to attempt a "hybrid" draft -to get the first five-to-seven highest value players on autodraft, only intervening if/when something crazy was about to happen (or inevitably, when the early kicker was on deck in round eight). At that point I would override the auto and take over, rounding out the team with my own personal picks. (And with the afore-mentioned difficulties merely getting to the live draft punctually, I needed that extra time to get the tricycle and sections of picket fence out of my car's radiator before the neighbors spotted them anyway.)

So I'll bet those vast legions of doubters that immolated themselves and/or jumped from tall buildings are feeling pretty fucking stupid right now: Matthew Stafford, Kenny Britt, Julio Jones, and Plaxico Burress all earned the dubious distinction of donning a Preds uniform this year, picked at my own personal hand. But in my battered physical condition, the second half of the draft was a war of attrition -completely out of gas and addled, multi-kickers be damned, in roughly round twelve I checked out.

-Well, maybe 'keeled' is a better word.

Like any "regular" autodraft, I woke hours later to a lot of unfamiliar faces thinking, “Who the fuck are these guys?” Worse, multiple kickers, defenses and tight ends -exactly what I had been trying to avoid.

Or was it?

See I should have expected some buyer’s remorse for the first half of the draft. Remember (admittedly with a few notable predraft rank exceptions) I had cast my personal opinions, expectations, and prejudices almost completely aside, and put my faith in the handicapping mathematics. I had to: at the time Arian Foster was 'Tweeting' everything short of the Texans' playbook, and the disgruntled Chris Johnson was likely to roll late into camp hungover, 200 pounds overweight, and covered in so much Cheeto dust he looked like a Bengal. Besides, following my so-called football "instincts" last year nearly proved disastrous ... with the lockout and subsequent vacuum of player data, this year seems fraught with even more peril.

So rather than building a team I thought would be great, I got the best five players I could and built my team around that. Simply put, post-draft I was underestimating these unfamiliar faces: I would need to learn the hard way why those assholes at the drive thru keep laughing at me when I order a McFadden with french fries and a Coke. Stat.

And while multiple kickers and defenses are almost universally scorned, in my bold and inventive semi-auto draft I defied convention there too. They do have an upside, and to
console myselfarticulate why I don’t share everyone’s low opinion of them, I’m going to first force you to read the following lengthy and excruciatingly-detailed discourse about something else for which I'm oft chided for overvaluing:

Score Projections.

Let’s say I have two defenses one week. One is projected to get ten, and one is projected to get fifteen. In most cases I take the fifteen -but not with the expectation to get fifteen points. See I think the projections are mathematical articulations of mismatches, and the greater the mismatch usually the greater the score. I think of it as a “Tug of War” of probability: if my opponent is projected to get one hundred and I am projected to get one hundred and ten, this is how much more force I’m using to pull that “W” to my camp and away from theirs. Is it infallible? Hell no. Far from it in fact. I’m often taking Roethlisberger over Stafford despite numerous projections to the contrary.

With an extra kicker and defense in my chamber, I go over the season to look for trouble spots. Where am I losing that “Tug-of-War?” Where is it too close to call? While imperfect, the projections become a great tool to highlight these areas. In Week Six, I'm minus ten. In Week Nine I'm minus seven, Week Ten I'm tied, and in Week Fourteen I'm minus ten again. This is invaluable data, and here is where the extra “placeholders” I drafted become relevant: sure maybe you can know exactly what you're getting ... but how can you know what your opponents are getting? You could have the greatest draft in the world, but this projection information illustrating holes in your schedule won’t be available until now, after the draft.

If necessary, at this point I go to the Waiver Wire and see who is strong on those weeks, plug them in replacing the ‘expendable’ roster spots with them. There’s nothing better to overcome a ten point projection deficit without traumatizing my team than a defense and kicker combination. The “Tug of War” is set.

It's also worth noting I don’t necessarily consider the kickers and defenses my least-valued and expendable. There's only so many spots in which you can deploy superstars, and -like it or not- that kicker, defense and tight end slot is in your lineup every week too. So why wouldn't you put them to work for you? These supposedly "ineffectual" spots might not mean much individually, but collectively they can amount to quite a bit -in total, scoring comparable to an additional superstar. Further, there's a consistency about them: I've had second-round draft pick Calvin Johnson bring in six points in one matchup, while a good steady kicker gave me ten to twelve all year long.

Finally a good, solid backup for all positions will give you a little peace of mind, and a little peace of mind goes a long way. There’s nothing I hate more on Sunday morning than poring over the rumors, “Who is hot? Who is starting? Who is on IR?” -rather than gearing up the snacks and beer and just to enjoy the football.

(That said, I'm sure I'll be doing it anyway.)

Recommended Reading: Chris Cameron articulates an excellent TE, K, and DEF drafting technique while explaining the mechanical aspects of the autodraft (should you ever choose to employ it) in detail here.  Various HBFFL authors expound on their past draft strategies here. Pre and mid-season surrenders, as always, are being accepted here. "LOBO" also butchers grammar, punctuation, and the English language in general here at PredatorPress.com.

But I Didn’t Exhale

 Predator Press

[LOBO]

Prompted by the recent Felix Jones Fire Sale and a baking criticism of NFL media accuracy, I’m going to revisit the 'Pre-Draft Rankings' issue for hopefully the last time in 2010. It‘s Week 3, and the flaws of the autodraft logic are starting to become increasingly visible on the teams that trustingly employed it. Besides … as most of you already know I like lecturing extensively on things I don‘t know anything about. It‘s good practice for when I run for Congress.

I didn’t have Felix Jones in my “Exclude” list, but I vaguely remember bumping him waaaaaay down in my rankings because he is virtually interchangeable with Marion Barber. I bumped them both in fact: as I learned from Seattle last year, teams that are “balanced” like that are a pain in the ass to second-guess at gametime. If you look at Seattle’s depth chart and cross your eyes, they will have changed their lineup entirely.

We know that a player that is fantastic in “real” life can be virtually worthless in fantasy football, right?  In theory, Yahoo operates off of the same media -or lack thereof- we do, and previous to Week 1 we had only incomplete preseason team performances, last year’s statistics, and wild speculation to work with.  2010 fantasy football scoring had no “frame of reference” yet; in fact at that point, Yahoo couldn’t devalue two fine running backs like MB and FJ properly.

Nonetheless, a simple intuitive call can be made with a little research.

No, I didn’t “score” either one of them. Let’s say I didn’t like the price of what was likely going to be a fifth round draft pick. I can live with that.

-And there’s Jones on the waiver wires already.

The Bottom Feed

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I suppose I’m inherently obligated to at least one “serious” post where I wax and wane boringly on my overall battle plan.

So here it is.

-For posterity.

Rather than white-knuckling games based on a highly-coveted QB this year, I didn’t even select one until the autodraft forced me to. And even then I removed some -I didn’t want Favre, Kolb, et cetera.

In both leagues, however, I "botched" my desired backup QB and got Ben Roethlisberger. This was not necessarily a bad thing -just wholly unanticipated: while Big Ben wasn't very high in my draft priorities, he wasn't in my "Exclude" list as I thought he would be long gone at that point. So when that late pick rolled around he was still available, pow, the AutoDraft picked him.

Oops.

Matters complicated quickly, and in both leagues I lead in transactions: each currently has fifteen recorded waiver-wire moves by me, I've done some trades as well. (The second highest number of waiver-wire moves for both leagues is half or less ... I’m surprised you guys haven’t accused me of tying up the waiver wires as a strategy!) Worse -with my bye week coverage slots opening up and my Michael Vick-esque QB rotations- I see myself as having another six moves or so before mid-October as I refine the mid-to-late season.

Minimum.

Why? My original plan -to “double-dip” in easy-to-aquire QB/WR/RB pairings and triples- now must accommodate what I promised I wouldn’t do in 2010: nurse another potential 2009 Westbrook, aka Ben Roethlisberger. Cripes, this is even worse than the Westbrook debacle if you think about it: Westbrook was a running back. Roethlisberger is a freakin quarterback. It's like having negative points on your bench. A lot of negative points.

Nonetheless, I’m kinda excited to see how it all pans out because my “disposable QB” tactic seems to work exactly as planned -in fact, all this draft strangeness seems to underline the success. In my other league I had Stafford and Roethlisberger ... and Stafford -in an eerily Westbrook-like move- inconsiderately got his arm ripped off in the very first game. If I had squandered early round picks on Brees or Rodgers and that happened, I would have been completely screwed already. But by virtue of this deliberately-sought flexibility, I can still make a good run with unwanted "QB leftovers.” True a Michael Vick may only be good for a game or so ... but I can get a Hasselbeck, a Bradford, perhaps even a cast-away Favre down the road. Rothlisberger's Week Six "event horizon" is worth another notation here -I may be enjoying a huge shift in gears once that suspension is complete, no matter who I have assembled in the meantime.

And statistics be damned, there’s just a handful of guys I’ve wanted for no good reason whatsoever. Like 99% of the time I see Malcom Floyd play I think he is incredibly promising; this year I got him, but Legedu Naanee is challenging Floyd for the role of the Chargers’ favorite recieving target. I acquired Naanee -who was soup dujour at the time- and waivered Floyd ... but I knew I could get Floyd back because he was less-than-mediocre last week, and everyone is still salivating over their superstar draft goodies. Three maneuvers that seemed circular on the face actually gave me a solid backup defense and almost the entire pass-happy SD receiving corps; a few weeks should be enough time to shake out who Phillip Rivers deigns his new wide-receiving pet to be, and I’ll have another roster option -handy when you’re going week-to-week with quarterbacks in the short term.

(Admittedly, Vincent Jackson returning to the Chargers’ lineup would really screw me here -in fact, the Chargers‘ seemingly-rattled debut got me a bit worried. But luckily they seem to be "staying the course," no matter how stupid and insane that course seems to be.)

Lastly, I succeeded at something else a bit more on the subtle side -I even mentioned it earlier in this post. Predator Press will have a significant percentage of bye weeks out of the way by Week Five, with particular regard to kickers and defenses. Yes I need a backup TE for Vernon Davis, but that isn’t until Week Nine … and at that point, a lot of you other managers will have slimmed down rosters and dropped a few good ones (and heck ... at that point a few Free Agents my be developing).

I’m not sayin I got it all figured out -in fact on the contrary there’s a handful of you guys I’m not likely to beat under any circumstances as things stand. But win or lose, I’m looking forward to watching some of my fave players and actually rooting for them this year.

-And through due diligence, build this season inch by inch by inch by inch ...

Fun and Games ... and DEATH!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As this is my third year in the HBFFL, I’ve observed some patterns.

Every draft, RF is blustery and bullish, Chris is ominously quiet, and I am -inevitably- recovering in a sunny, plain room, wondering if everyone only seems so nice because of the heroic level of sedation.

Rocking back and forth I read handy and supportive posters on the wall -only to realize eventually I had a deep, dark case of Fantasy Football Buyer’s Remorse [quote copyright pending]. I'm already afflicted with the world's first diagnosis of being tri-polar; this should finally tip my handicapped parking placard in.

Shock and Denial: Upon release, I sat down and mock-drafted for hours, puzzling over why my draft was so different than I expected. Why hast Jesus abandoned me so, in this time of such desperate need?

Pain and Guilt: Mistakes were made, and people should be promptly assigned blame. I feel guilty I allowed RF to trick me into trusting that ominously-quiet Chris! I would very much like to inflict some pain on them.

Anger and Bargaining: I’m going to have the entire HBFFL make fun of me for the next eight weeks because of these sixteen assholes? I am so angry, I wonder how much a hit man would charge to have all of those HBFFL pricks just killed. Or if Evil Chris will deal for Cedric Benson.

Depression, Reflection, Loneliness: Woe is me! The hit man I tried to hire? Laughed at my team too! I should hire someone to kill him … and then himself. This is getting expensive.

The Upward Turn: I’m broke, but everyone should be dead in four days. Hooray, me!

Reconstruction and Working Through: This isn’t as overwhelming a task as I thought. I know a bricklayer that has access to a backhoe; twelve six-foot deep holes would scarcely be an afternoon. Shit, I could probably be home before John and Kate Plus 8 reruns start airing.

Acceptance and Hope: I have to find some way to be patient, kinda like Christmas Eve … you know, when you can hardly wait for Santa to kill a dozen people? Man I hope they are all already dead. Ooh! Cookies and milk!

***
But now that some time has elapsed, I’m looking at the team with a certain degree of optimism.

1) Maurice Jones-Drew - A guys so nosebleed-high on my rankings, I forgot he was there; just as I was learning about his knee amputation, pow, he‘s my number one pick. As a test of health and loyalty, I should have him beat Brian Westbrook into a thick batter.

2) Steven Jackson - It’ll be nice to have some decent music for a change. I tried to draft the other four as well, but it turns out one of them is dead.

3) Vernon Davis - My only holdover from last year. Heath Miller would have been nice, but you can really only lull your opponent to sleep once a season before people start catching on.

4) Chad Och ... Ocho … chinko? - Possibly a double-agent spy for Renal Failure. Jesus. What am I? An idiot? Renal will be so pissed when I sit Chad here out for the rest of the season so he can’t infiltrate anything important. I'll have the rest of my wide receivers keep an eye on him too.

5) Mike Sims-Walker - I can’t thank Mike Sims enough. I’ve always wanted to drive one of these! And by eliminating traffic entirely, I'm sure to make most games by halftime or so.

6) Carson Palmer - Never heard of him. But there’s always the possibility that Carson mentored Drew Brees in his youth, but the NFL made Brees evil and go rogue -and Carson is the only one that can stop him! (Shit. He‘s white!? How white? Like Karl Rove white, or Jackie Chan white ... ?)

7) Minnesota - Nice, but where the hell am I supposed to put it?

8) [Some asshole kicker probably]

9) Santana Moss - A fungus among us? Haw! Well I don’t generally like lichens per se, but this one has “Santa” right smack in the name. Maybe it’s some kind of highly-explosive mistletoe derivative.

10) Malcom Floyd - Freakin awesome, but just not the same without David Waters somehow.

11) T.J. Housh … mandez … adu … ah forget it - And they hadda abbreviate his first and middle name; those must be real motherfuckers to pronounce. I’m sure he’ll be fine after his surgery. (His name wouldn’t fit on the jerseys, so we’re having his shoulders widened.)

12) Jerome Harrison - My first back-up running back. A few weeks ago, he was hailed as a potential football Jesus … then he went and made critical back-to-back fumbles in the preseason. But on the bright side, I shouldn’t need him for a while; he’ll have plenty of time to get used to the Velcro nubs we replaced his hands with. And in hopes it would increase his speed, we’ve also surgically removed his “junk.” I hope Jones-Drew and Jackson are paying attention.

13) Ben Roethlisberger - Seriously? In the thirteenth round? As a backup? Oh man, I gotta start making up false accusations about Drew Brees this year! Let ye who hast not molested teenagers in a bathroom (besides RF) cast the first stone!

14) Todd Heap - Another Caucasian -maybe a kicker or something.

15) Sebastian Janikowski - Hmmm … “Janikowski,” huh? I think he’s French or something. I don’t speak French. I do, however, need a lot of pianos moved this year.

16) Denver - Again, nice. But couldn’t I have gotten two states that were close to each other? That seems like an awful long and mountainous way for Sebastian Janikowski and Todd Heap to be hauling pianos back and forth.

pwn.exe

Predator Press

[LOBO]

In contrast to my esteemed colleagues Renal Failure and Chris Cameron (well, Chris anyway), I’m going to illustrate why a non-ranked autodraft is a horrible idea.

Here is what Yahoo! gave me last year, in order:



1. (6) Brian Westbrook
2.(15) Brandon Jacobs
3. (26) Reggie Wayne
4.(35) Brandon Marshall
5. (46) Tony Gonzalez
6.(55) Jay Cutler
7. (66) Minnesota
8. (75) Mason Crosby
9. (86) Ronnie Brown
10. (95) Darren McFadden
11. (106) Eddie Royal
12. (115) Lance Moore
13. (126) Ben Roethlisberger
14. (135) Vernon Davis
15. (146) Garrett Hartley
16. (155) Seattle     -The Suicide Hotline people were very helpful at first: they told me very explicitly that there was no way fantasy football was worth killing myself over as long as I could beat Unfinished Rambler. They further assured me if I got to the point where I couldn’t defeat Unfinished Rambler, they would Fed-Ex me ammunition and a revolver.

But eventually those lazy Suicide Hotline people stopped answering my calls -and those assholes at "911" blocked my phone number because I was faking concern for the Suicide Hotline people! My mother didn't know shit about football, and the Vatican was completely ambivalent. Even my loyal cat Phil was no help. Getting third place in 2009 with that mess? Don’t think it was it was easy for a second: at one point I got a blister on my finger from all the 'googling,' and had to go on my own Injured Reserve List to collect Fantasy Disability.

But I never gave up. NEVER! The sacred and hallowed name of Predator Press shall not be tainted by loss under my watch!

The worse things got, the more I would reach down, deep into my entrails for the will to continue the fight.

I swear upon various gods what follows is true, and Chris can verify it: if you examine my transactions a little closer, you'll see I was actually drafting virtually any free agent playing against the Rams I could get my hands on. And with this "betting against the Rams" technique, I ended up a Contender until about Week 10. It was right around then that Brian Westbrook -my #1 draft "pick"- triumphantly returned. But after nursing the inconsiderate prick along all season, what does he do? About eight seconds into his first game, he got his noggin scrambled into tapioca. What an asshole!

-Week 10 was also right around when Unfinished Rambler informed me there was no Week 17. I didn't know it at the time, but any hope for the Championship teetered on the results of games 13 and 14; the single late-season loss to La Machine took me out of position 2, thus the final round with an unforeseeably-beatable Championship Week 16 Renal Failure would never come to pass. In Week 10(ish), I had everything comfortably pointed at Week 17 -when I thought the Finals were.

Chris had obviously been fooling my entrails all along.

And he stole my 2009 Championship.

Fucking diabolical, wasn't it?

Thusly riddled with a savage lust for vengeance, I needed some diabolical advice so I could get some swift and lethal payback on Chris pronto. So desperate was I to slake the vacuous, raging thirst for justice!

But there’s no Gatorade big enough for a vacuous, raging thirst for justice my friend ... When I asked Chris for advice this year, I explained up-front to him how dire my circumstances were in order to seek his advice again -I even mentioned that I'd asked my cat first. As result of my heartfelt sincerity, Chris promised he wouldn’t sabotage me anymore. So we're cool, and bygones are bygones ... and with Chris onboard to help me destroy him? Hah! He is totally screwed.

Alas, my diabolical non-autodraft shall remain top secret until the last minute. But let not your hearts be troubled -I shant prevent you from basking in all of my football geniosity.

-Just most of it.


Behold the Official 2010 Predator Press Support Staff!

Offensive Coordinator: Tarken HawkWorthy

NFL football legend Fran Tarkenton's presence in this elite cadre of Predator Press specialists should be self-explanatory.

See, once Predator Press gets chicks falling under all this wild and unbridled irresistible machismo, we think they might force their boyfriends and/or husbands to buy Predator Press mechandise for them. You know … for doing the dishes or laundry or whatever.

So we needed someone that could not only bring in the ladies, but could create the sound of soggy panties slapping against pavement at will.

We needed the estrogen equivalent of a nuclear bomb.

We needed Fran Tarkenton.

(As much as I wanted to represent the juggernaut of wisdom aka Predator Press personally, it turned out I was too expensive; this -coupled with the fact that Terri would have ripped my head off- made me withdraw from consideration.)

Steven Hawking, in contrast, recently helped Predator Press launch six of eight footballs through a dense cloud of bears into deep space. These footballs are scheduled to land in the northern End Zone in Week 11, so if we win that coin toss (and aren't killed by falling bears or Jay Cutler radio promotions) that game is all locked up already.

I added Jeff Foxworthy because I can’t get enough of “You might be a redneck” jokes. Besides, the only shark head we have was too big.

In retrospect I suppose I could have sewn the heads on either Tarkenton or Foxworthy, as tests showed their bodies are somewhat more fully-functional than Hawking's (we also discovered that if we made Hawking speed his wheelchair across the field while drinking a light beer, we all aged twenty minutes). But to be honest, using Hawking's body is a judgment error I can live with frankly; this way they are all very easy to find when I need them, and their maintenance is significantly cheaper -TarkenHawkWorthy only requires a feed tube running in, and a waste tube running out.

I have Brian Westbrook switch them twice a day.


Defensive Coordinator: ???

I don’t even know our Defense Coordinator’s real name.

-He’s that good!

Aside from the obvious qualifications, this guy enjoys working a Saddam Hussein tribute band, drinking "40s," classical art from the 1800s, and baking.

On top of all that, he further devotes all his spare time to the Boy Scouts of America and "ditching the Federales."

(I don't speak Mexican.)


Miscellaneous Positions: Pastrami Sandwich

I don’t exactly remember why I hired this pastrami sandwich, or what I hired it to do. But who doesn’t love a good pastrami sandwich? I mean even if you’re not hungry, you still have that warm and fuzzy reassuring feeling that you have a pastrami sandwich in the refrigerator for several hours. Mmmmmm ...*

Miscellaneous Positions: Barbarossa

I have no idea where Barbarossa got the idea that I am his parole officer, but I cannot in good conscience inhibit his reformation and social reintegration.

Not knowing what exactly a parole officer does, I had a big prize wheel installed behind my chair: among other mundane things like 'Get A Job' and 'Help Hide the Bodies,' every fourth notch says in bold, gigantical letters legible from a passing airplane, “GO BACK TO JAIL!” To keep his attention, I sort of idly move the wheel back an forth, plucking the little arrow a few knocks. Sometimes, I'll even absently drift toward my soap-on-a-rope poster during the PowerPoint presentations. Or after a good lengthy and comprehensive lecture on where pastrami sandwich theft'll get you, I'll show Midnight Express in 3-D followed by a pop quiz on why his picture is on the Turkish website I've been working on.

Moreover, there’s a big red button in the middle of my desk positioned directly between us. It’s not hooked up to anything, and we never talk about it ...but on the rare occasion I feel I'm 'losing him' -and the prize wheel doesn't work- I’ll sort of let my hands linger around this button. You know, like folding my hands near it? Or sometimes just lunging toward it while stretching during an improbably-abrupt, deep yawn? For another good "wake up call," I'll put a 5-pack of Bic lighters in the nearby dryer ... and every time one detonates I'll run in circles, screaming.

To say he is one ugly motherfucker is to be kind -I mean this guy fell off the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down. Then he fell down into the Ugly Well, and continued on to bash against the Ugly Rocks and drown in the Ugly Water ... meh, you get the picture. But this isn't Barbarossa's main problem. What's really screwed up about this poor bastard is that he's not just tarded, but he is legally "retarded." This means Barbarossa will require more than one -and possibly numerous- untardings. So as his "parole officer," I've officially "Partitioned the Court" or something, and he will guard the pastrami sandwich for free until further notice as treatment. Remember: "Idle hands are the Devil's pork chop," and we have to distract the Devil from the pastrami sandwich at all costs.

While numerous scientists agree that nothing untards an ex con like the creation of bottomless Excel spreadsheets, many scientists also do not agree ... and as a scientist myself, I am disinclined to set those nerds straight good 'n proper this time: who wants Barbarossa -in the current frail state he is in- exposed to the trauma of seeing numerous scientists I have proven wrong immolating themselves on bunsen burners and impaling themselves on broken test tubes? Hm? In a rare moment of human compassion I have agreed to help Barbarossa along on his precarious road to Redemption, and steer him away from evil when possible; having solemnly taken charge of this clearly promising, impressionable lad's future, I cannot let that happen for his or her own sake.

But speaking of "charge," I have decided to make Barbarossa work a little in effort to knock out some of the Tard Therapy bill I'm going to send him eventually. Along with guarding the pastrami sandwich, Barbarossa will create a meticulous alpha-numeric catalogue of the Predator Press team's refrigerator contents, with particular emphasis on the expiration dates. And Team Predator Press perks won't stop at Barbarossa's expense either: because some of those pansies will have a taste for the more expensive and "exotic" (such as bathing several times a week, et cetera), Barbarossa will spearhead the formulation of a committee exclusively responsible for melding all those little soap bar leftovers together to make one a size of practical re-use.

-The tard will be oozing out of Barbarossa by the Playoffs!

Emergency Responder: Doctor Manhattan

I normally don’t hire comic book characters for the same reason I don’t hire women: the more they age, the more likely plastic is involved in an effort to keep those weird guys ogling them safely. But it starts with collagen injections and breast implants ... and the next thing you know, pow -she's full-on robot.

Indeed, the AMA had some initial concerns about Doctor Manhattan's medical credentials too. But what could possibly happen to guys playing football? It’s a game, man ... after the care and feeding of those guys, Doctor Manhattan will likely be totally bored. I was kinda thinking he could help me do some stuff like beat my high score on Centipede and screw AOL out of a few thousand more free hours anyway.

But you know what? Now that I think about it, I don't think I want this guy hanging around with his gizmo hangin out ... I mean his piece'd be all pokin the Centipede coin slots. Yuck!

Still, I think I’ll put him in charge of everything blue. Either that, or I'll make him audition for The Village People.

Haw! He'd be so pissed ...

(I think he's Catholic.)

Public Relations: Daisy the Curly Shark

Until this crazy “environmental” fad goes the way of bellbottoms, platform shoes and, well, good taste, no 2010 team will be complete without a 47 foot Carcharodon carcharias domesticus.

Rather than exploiting landfills, Daisy is an indispensable asset for disposing of worn-out old jockstraps, helmets, cheerleaders, and Brian Westbrook. Until we can get back to zealously destroying the Earth, this will be her primary function -second perhaps only to the disciplinary duty of punishing anyone who dare utter the word "punt" in my presence.

As you can see, my whole 2010 team operates in a cyclical fashion: Daisy keeps everyone motivated and mutually cooperative.

And what keeps Daisy motivated and mutually cooperative?

The thought of TarkenHawk the Cable Guy.

Thanks Chris!


* Update: We at Predator Press regret to inform you that as of immediately after posting this, the pastrami sandwich was technically no longer with us.

[*sniff*]


[Editor's note] You done re-writing this thing yet? hehe

[Author's note] I worked on the Chris Wood interview for a month!

This Draft is Mocking Me! Part Two

"You've got Spark Shot and Dallas Clark..."

We move onto the phase of the mock draft experiment where the mad scientists employed by Renal Failure test out Version One of our preferred draft list (aka: The People's Draft List) through the team of Yahoo! AutoDraft robots who can make or break our season.

Test One: Ten team league. Positions: QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, 1 TE, 1 DEF/ST, 1 K, 6 bench. Starting draft position: 4th. Alternating to the 7th in even-numbered rounds.

1. Drew Brees (NO - QB)
2. Ryan Grant (GB - RB)
3. Jamaal Charles (KC - RB)
4. Dallas Clark (Ind - TE)
5. Mike Sims-Walker (Jac - WR)
6. Baltimore (Bal - DEF)
7. Terrell Owens (Cin - WR)
8. Nate Kaeding (SD - K)
9. T.J. Houshmandzadeh (Sea - WR)
10. Reggie Bush (NO - RB)
11. Carson Palmer (Cin - QB)
12. New Orleans (NO - DEF)
13. Bernard Berrian (Min - WR)
14. Mohamed Massaquoi (Cle - WR)
15. Marcedes Lewis (Jac - TE)

An excellent draft. Top tier QB and TE with Brees and Clark. High quality RB's in Grant and Charles and good depth at WR. And in total Wild Card fashion we have the top scoring kicker of the 2009 Fantasy Season in Kaeding, as well as netting two good DEF/ST squads. Grade: B


Test Two: Ten team league, same positions, this time our starting draft position is 9th, alternating to 2nd in even-numbered rounds.

1. Drew Brees (NO - QB)
2. Steven Jackson (StL - RB)
3. Jamaal Charles (KC - RB)
4. Dallas Clark (Ind - TE)
5. Mike Sims-Walker (Jac - WR)
6. Wes Welker (NE - WR)
7. Baltimore (Bal - DEF)
8. Nate Kaeding (SD - K)
9. Bernard Berrian (Min - WR)
10. Fred Jackson (Buf - RB)
11. David Akers (Phi - K)
12. Kellen Winslow (TB - TE)
13. Kenny Britt (Ten - WR)
14. Johnny Knox (Chi - WR)
15. Vince Young (Ten - QB)

Again, we score Drew Brees and Dallas Clark again, and arguably improve our running back situation with again getting Jamal Charles and swapping in Stephen Jackson for Ryan Grant, and adding Fred Jackson for depth. Sims-Walker shows up again at WR, but this time is joined by the awesome Wes Welker, but depth at the position is iffy. Berrian's okay but we'd probably dump Knox and Britt before Week One. And by the time the bye week for Brees came around (Week 10) we would likely have found a better QB than Vince Young. Kaeding returns, paired with another traditionally high-scoring kicker David Akers, and Baltimore always provides quality DEF/ST points. Grade: B+


Test Three: Ten team league, same positions, this time our starting draft position is 2nd, alternating to 9th in even-numbered rounds.


1. Adrian Peterson (Min - RB)
2. DeAngelo Williams (Car - RB)
3. Tom Brady (NE - QB)
4. Dallas Clark (Ind - TE)
5. Mike Sims-Walker (Jac - WR)
6. Baltimore (Bal - DEF)
7. Terrell Owens (Cin - WR)
8. Nate Kaeding (SD - K)
9. Bernard Berrian (Min - WR)
10. Carson Palmer (Cin - QB)
11. New Orleans (NO - DEF)
12. David Akers (Phi - K)
13. Marion Barber (Dal - RB)
14. Julian Edelman (NE - WR)
15. Antonio Bryant (Cin - WR)

Looks like we've figured out the formula for getting Dallas Clark, Nate Kaeding, Mike Sims-Walker, Terrell Owens, David Akers, and either the Baltimore or New Orleans DEF/ST (and Edelman shows up again too for some reason, who the hell is this guy?). The Top Three picks of Adrian Peterson, DeAngelo Williams, and the original "Orbital Bear Chucker" Tom Brady along with the added depth of Carson Palmer and Marion Barber make this our best auto-draft yet. Grade: A-

A few minor tweaks, the luck of a good draft position, and perhaps a few odd decisions from other teams and The People's Champion could possibly draft their way into being an actual champion this season.


___________________________________________________________
---Renal Failure will lead the fight against the machines who ruin Fantasy Football seasons...

This Draft is Mocking Me! Part One

"Run it again until we get Dallas Clark and Billy Cundiff, damn it!"

Springboarding off Chris's post about the Yahoo! auto-draft, we here at Renal Failure have gathered the maddest scientists we could find to run a little mock draft experiment to see if we've learned anything over the past two seasons when it comes to achieving maximum auto-draft success, or at the very least avoiding auto-draft catastrophe.

Our testing parameters for the first mock draft: Ten team league. Lineups consisting of QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, WR, TE, K, DEF/ST, and six bench spots. Autopick is on, using the Yahoo! suggested rankings. We modestly placed ourselves as the seventh pick, which alternated us to the next round as the fourth pick in even-numbered rounds. Here's how that went:

1. Andre Johnson (Hou - WR)
2. Rashard Mendenhall (Pit - RB)
3. Miles Austin (Dal - WR)
4. Jahvid Best (Det - RB)
5. Vernon Davis (SF - TE)
6. Brett Favre (Min - QB)
7. Jeremy Maclin (Phi - WR)
8. Minnesota (Min - DEF)
9. Garrett Hartley (NO - K)
10. Fred Jackson (Buf - RB)
11. Visanthe Shiancoe (Min - TE)
12. Donovan McNabb (Was - QB)
13. Eddie Royal (Den - WR)
14. Johnny Knox (Chi - WR)
15. Rian Lindell (Buf - K)

Not bad. Top tier WR's, something our teams in the past have lacked. Strong at TE. And two quality QB's. RB a little iffy though, very unlike our previous teams.

We decided to branch out in our second mock draft experiment, moving up to a 14-team draft, positions remaining the same, and still using the Yahoo! suggested rankings. We took the eighth pick, alternating us to the seventh pick in even-numbered rounds. Here are those results:

1. Andre Johnson (Hou - WR)
2. Roddy White (Atl - WR)
3. Jahvid Best (Det - RB)
4. Joseph Addai (Ind - RB)
5. Jeremy Maclin (Phi - WR)
6. Eli Manning (NYG - QB)
7. Visanthe Shiancoe (Min - TE)
8. Stephen Gostkowski (NE - K)
9. San Diego (SD - DEF)
10. Clinton Portis (Was - RB)
11. Julian Edelman (NE - WR)
12. Devin Thomas (Was - WR)
13. Matt Cassel (KC - QB)
14. Benjamin Watson (Cle - TE)
15. David Buehler (Dal - K)

Amazing one-two punch at WR and decent enough QB's for such a deep league. We hope Javhid Best is the second coming of Barry Sanders because he keeps popping up in the later early rounds to us. And how Jeremy Maclin keeps getting on our team we have no idea, but obviously Yahoo! is keen on him being on our roster.

In part two we'll go over our mock drafts using the super secret Renal Failure preferred player rankings to see if we can do better than random fate. And considering that Renal Failure is known throughout the Fantasy Football universe as The Wild Card (bitches!), that's some tasty irony right there.


___________________________________________________________
---Renal Failure provides a full serving of vegetables every time you lose to him.

Woe to Me!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Of my strategy to attain the most unpronounceable player in the the NFL, 'Operation: Roethlisberger' was countered by my esteemed colleague Renal Failure with "T. J. Houshmandzadeh."

"Houshmandzadeh" uses all your tiles and has a "z" in it -on Triple Word, this makes his Scrabble score incalculable.

Well played, RF.

Well played.

Pre-Season Surrenders Are Now Being Accepted

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Clearly a little short on sports experience and knowledge (I once played a really, really long game of marbles, but I’m very rusty and out-of-shape now), I’ve decided to abandon the football aspect entirely and pour all my efforts into the ‘fantasy’ side.

So while all these other losers are studyin’ they're lil charts and graphs and watching padded glandular freaks run back and forth totally wreckin up somebody’s yard on television, I will be 'fantasizing' about endorsement deals, product lines, and above all Victory.

And don’t think I’m not ready for the ‘football’ thing either: my team has a bunch of guys on it (Ladainian is a guy’s name, right?), and I’m sure they will have no problem smacking just as many home runs out of the park as any of these other people.

But as a precaution, my guys will also have hydraulic diamond bonesaw jaws with razorwire braces, chainsaws for arms, and eat live kittens. And not 'cause there hungry either: they just eat kittens for the sheer amusement. Or like when you get invited to a 'brunch' and you already ate a stack of flapjacks so you eat something totally devoid of any calories or protein like a grapefruit just to fake it (because you have to eat something or everyone else will feel weird and uncomfortable eating in front of you), my guys would be spooning out live kittens sautéed in salted broken glass.

And bullets.

Yeah.