Thursday, December 1, 2011

Week 13: Down to the Wire in 2011

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

"You can't plan for no 18-point day from Dustin Keller, man... that's Fantasy Football life..."

Week 12 saw Troi and his Future Ex-Cons slip away with a victory over your People's Champion 108-96. Troi got big days from Matt Ryan (25pts), Roddy White (23pts), Brandon Marshall (21pts), and Dustin Keller (18pts). Torrey Smith and Frank Gore came up small (2 and 3 points respectively), and that might cause some trouble for Troi in these later weeks, but for now things are relatively peachy for the Future Ex-Cons as they make a late push for a playoff berth.

Renal Failure saw Chris Johnson's 23-point day wasted by soft performances from Tony Romo (15pts), LeSean McCoy (12pts - just give this man the ball Andy Reid and you'll keep your job, dumbass!), and Jason Witten (4pts). Megatron salvaged his Thanksgiving game with a late touchdown (1opts), Brandon Lloyd is having a solid 2nd-half of the season with a 13-point day vs. Arizona, and Billy Fucking Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff, booting 10 points. Against most other teams this week, Renal Failure would have walked away with a W and been one step closer to the playoffs. Instead, we ran into an overachieving team, a hungry team.

"2-2-1 in the second half of the season? Shiiiiiiiiiiit."

So let's talk about playoffs. The picture is getting crowded again, with Troi and UnfinishedPerson making the sort of late season runs that Renal Failure is infamous for. Troi and Rambler are tied for fifth at 6-6, along with the NoNames who fell to 6-6 after losing to the Bourbon Blasters, who are now 7-5 and in sole possession of 3rd place. Predator Press and Purple Drank sit atop the standings at 9-3, clinching playoff berths. Now it's only a question of who gets the Number One seed (Purple Drank has the points advantage).

At 6-5-1 Renal Failure still controls their own destiny, sitting in 4th place by ourselves. We win the rest of our games, and we're in. Best we can do is the three-seed, which is where we were last season when we won it all.

It's time to get hyped for Week 13 the Renal Failure way... with groin kicks aplenty and The Final Countdown blasting on the jambox!

So Week 13 sees Purple Drank come back into the People's House. Chris might be smarting over the 137-76 beating we gave him in Week 4, but his matchups in Week 13 might sting more. Ray Rice has to run against a stingy Browns defense. Michael Turner is up against the Texans big D. He's down to Andy Dalton at QB who is playing against the Steelers, which pits Mike Wallace up against the nasty Bengals defense. Laurent Robinson and Rob Gronkowski will have to pick up a lot of slack for Purple Drank.

For Renal Failure, CJ2K and Shady McCoy have decent matchups against the Bills and Seahawks. Megatron plays the Saints, so that will be a shootout. Brandon Lloyd remains Sam Bradford's only decent target and he's been a steady performer these past couple weeks. The most favorable matchup is Tony Romo and Jason Witten vs. Arizona, and as long as Romo throws a lot to people not named Laurent Robinson, it's all good in the Renal neighborhood.

Yahoo! projects a 102-92 victory for Renal Failure, which doesn't fill us with a lot of confidence considering how wrong last week's Yahoo! projections were. But it should make us feel better than Chris about the prospect of winning. And look at it this way, Chris, the number one seed ain't all that and a bag of chips. Only once has a #1 seed won the championship, and that was when Joel was masquerading as his wife back in 2008. Quite frankly, we don't think Chris can pull off capri pants, let alone a skirt.

Two weeks left... it's going to be a wild finish for the Wild Card of the HBFFL.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We don't have HBO or Showtime so we've never seen the shows that everyone always gushes about like The Sopranos, or The Wire, or Dexter. Why watch TV when there are Maru the cat videos to watch online?

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