Wednesday, September 3, 2008

La Machine Serves Notice of Some Winning Kind

Like with all things new, there is hope and optimism. Then the reality that is life beats you down like when your prostitutes are skimming off your take. A pimp’s gotta eat yo.

But none the less my team is ready to contend. Why? Because I said so. I am an expert after all in verifying my own opinion as valid and a fantasy football league is no exception.

Of course, some will scoff at this notion my team’s talent level far exceeds that of any other squad in the league. To the naysayers I offer this one interesting fact: La Machine is tied for first at this very moment.

It has already begun.

Just in case you are unconvinced of my moral platitude, look at this amazing squad of talented overachievers…


Donovan McNabb, Jay Cutler

I don’t know what is in the water in Eagles country but the hernias are going around. First McNabb gets one a season or two back, now wide receiver Kevin Curtis is out for the season with a sports hernia. Hopefully Donovan is off the steroids and will stay healthy.

Running Backs

Frank Gore, Clinton Portis, Selvin Young, Earnest Graham

A Gore and a Clinton on my team? It is like I died, went to hell and Satan is Jimmy Carter. I am going to have to bite the bullet on this one and suck it up, especially since this Gore-Clinton tandem will produce actual measurable results. Well, besides the sales of Altoids of course.

Wide Receivers

Torry Holt, Chad Johnson, Santana Moss, Bryant Johnson

Chad Johnson may be hurt right now, but he raced Kentucky Derby horses in the off-season to keep in shape as well as successfully and legally changed his name to the Spanish translation of his uniform number.

Ocho Cinco? Bueno.

Tight Ends

Tony Gonzalez, Tony Scheffler

Going into the draft I was looking to corner the market on Tight Ends named Tony. I feel good knowing I accomplished that small bullet point on my list of goals to league domination. Or at least the computer did.


Shayne Graham, Robbie Gould

I’ve never had a kicker with a name that sounds like those weird-looking hollow dried shells of fruit before. Plus he’s on the Bears who aren’t exactly a fantasy football juggernaut. Can I have an actual gourd?


Green Bay, Tampa Bay

One of the good things about a bay is that is has land on three out of four sides, making it easier to defend from a military standpoint. No idea how that translates to fantasy football, but I’ll take an edge anytime I can get one.

Bring it HBFFL. La Machine is ready for you.