Still smarting from the asswhipping Renal Failure aka "The People's Champion" delivered upon our beloved Preds in Week 5, I am driven to only one conclusion: "The People" are just plain dumb as a box of hammers. But our league commissioner, doubtlessly feeling the pressure of mass public outcry by now, will have stepped down by Week 14 ... and that is when Renal Failure and "The People" will receive the swift, lethal payback of my all-kicker team. And hopefully Ebola.
McMananicus will have little time to recover from some minor cybernetic tweaks and mandatory performance-enhancing, eh, "herbal suppliments."
Leading the charge to find Renal Failure's ass -and follow the subsequent orders to kick it- will be Brandon McMananicus, who will be flexing his mighty big toe of glory on Bald Spots' slippery scalp in Week 6.
Once we work out some hydraulic issues and figure out how Brandon McMananicus can carry fifty three more laser pointers, we, the Preds, are a mere two oil changes from this year's HBFFL Championship.
Once, at tryouts, Kurt Cousins fired a touchdown pass square into my belly. Despite fumbling bravely, I immediately went to the hospital. I hate Kurt Cousins. Why does he have to throw so hard?
PS: Does anyone know where I can get anthrax? And postage stamps and envelopes? And everyone in this league's addresses? And the instructions for this HAZMAT suit?
Yes "Chris" -if in fact that is your real name- your cavalier Commissionations costed me Week 5.
Were I not hampered by your oppressive adjudicationing, I could have won last week. But nay! You have micromanagicked this league to the point that this entire season is questionable now, and I declare it utterly bereft of sportsmanshipitude.
If not for your tyrannicalized reign of unjust "rules" and whatever, I would have deployed the following lineup:
QB - Phi DEF, 24 points
WR - GB DEF, 21 points
WR - Car DEF, 19 points
RB - Stephen Gostkowski NE K, 19 points
RB - Phil Dawson SF K, 18 points
TE - SD DEF, 16 points
W/R - NE DEF, 15 points
DEF - whoever was playing Tony Romo (points probably still being calculatronned)
That is like 500 points. Chris, the evidence of your meddlutions in my season is clear to us all. I will file numerous "Torts" and "Motions" to declare this entire season corruptified, and unfit for human consumption.
My quest to get to 2-2, foiled by bye-week treachery... DREAMCRUSHERS! YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!
Your People's Champion Renal Failure had a bad Week 4. We knew we had Marshawn Lynch and Demaryius Thomas on bye weeks, but what we didn't know is that everyone else on our team would take a bye week too. Not that it would have mattered because the Dreamcrushers! jumped on us, putting up 122 points to our meager 74.
Jeremy Maclin came back down to earth with 5pts. Michael Crabtree barely managed 4pts. Our decision to go Fred Jackson/CJ Spiller instead of Chris Ivory/Sammy Watkins wasn't that bad. The Bills RB's put up 16 together, Ivory/Watkins 18. We said no more Tom Brady and were rewarded sby Jay Cutler scoring 18 to Brady's anemic 8. Alfred Morris's 14 points and the San Diego's DEF's 11pts were the only bright spots (even Cody Parkey took the week off with 3pts).
Andrew Luck and Matt Forte threw bears into space (38 and 28 points respectively). Keenan Allen's 18 and Kevlin Benjamin's 13 iced the day though Chris admittedly fucked up by not starting Steve Smith Sr. who had a absoludicrous 32 points against Carolina. Good thing he was playing a team that had the scoring equivalent of mono this week (Yahoo! gave us a C- for the week, another pat on the head for not having a chance because even our bench sucked).
When you're 1-3, you gotta be ready to blow shit up...
Rust never sleeps, and Renal Failure is always looking to make moves. No one wheels and deals like the People's Champ. Last week we traded for Chris Ivory. Didn't play him, but that's okay because we packaged him with Sammy Watkins and Tom Brady in a deal to Troi and his 1-3 Future Ex-Cons for Drew Brees, Carlos Hyde, and Larry Fitzgerald. Cutler's been putting up good numbers, but Drew Brees is a sure thing week in and week out. He's going to get his points even when he's losing.
So now look at Renal Failure: Starting blue chip QB who will throw all day long. Beast Mode at RB, ready to dominate any week. Alfred Morris at the other RB spot, the only dependable aspect of the 'Skins offense. Demaryius Thomas and Jeremy Maclin at WR - the main receivers in pass-happy offenses. What fantasy owner wouldn't love a core group like that?
How the rest of the league sees Renal Failure's trading strategy...
Oh, and did we mention we still have C.J. Spiller AND Fred Jackson for RB depth and FLEX options, not to mention we picked up Bishop Sankey at a time where the Titans are actually going to run him more seeing how he's the only one on the team with talent? Hell, even Jason Witten's starting to pick up his game just in case Zach Ertz somehow does not live up to his TE Of The Future billing. And when Frank Gore and Doug Martin go down with injuries (because they've done it before) we've got Bobby Rainey and Carlos Hyde on standby, ready to play or ready to deal.
So going into Week 5 vs. Predator Press, we're liking our odds a bit more than usual. We have reloaded and restocked, no one's on a bye, and 1-3 is the kind of desperate situation that historically has seen Renal Failure rally. And though Yahoo! sees the matchup as a slight advantage to the People's Champ over LOBO's Predator Press, you can feel it in the air that Renal Failure's going to get business done in a big way.
Everyone does the air drums to this...
We'll see whether The People are on back on track or we've blown up our season. Gotta love the desperation that comes after the four game mark to salvage or maintain a fantasy season. The waiver wire Hail Mary's. The Machiavellian trades. The clinging to hope that long-shots pay off and everyone else stays healthy. We're going for broke, baby! Or at least that fourth-seed.
Renal Failure is the People's Champ of the HBFFL and the FTWL. We got housed just as bad in the FTWL in Week Four too so apparently we don't win when Marshawn Lynch doesn't play. But Beast Mode is back and we're playing LOBO in the FTWL too, and Yahoo! likes his chances even less there.
My crushing of fantasy football hopes and dreams gets real this week, for rizzles even with the first matchup of the season: The Autodrafters, a.k.a. LOBO's Predator Press.
Things are not looking good for LOBO, as we will see with the forthcoming scientific analysis...
Quarterbacks
Luck (Dreamcrushers!) vs Kaepernick (Predator Press)
Things would be a lot easier if Kaepernick would just drop that first e. He could put an end to the question he has been asked a million times: "Is it Ka-pernick or K-prnick?"
But Kaepernick didn't hear them because he has his Beats on. What did he do before Beats were invented? And before that you can tell everybody song was published?
So yeah, a push on this position. Advantage: Even Running Backs
Forte and Bush (Dreamcrushers!) vs Le'Veon Bell and Toby Gerhart (Predator Press)
I had a parakeet named Toby when I was a child and it was not very intimidating. Couldn't even get it to say "pretty bird".
And Bell, well he's hanging out with Blount, who was part of the party clique in Tampa Bay a few years back. They even have a side bet during games: whoever has the least amount of all purpose yards pays for the weed. Advantage: The Dreamcrushers! Wide Receivers/Flex
Julio Jones, K. Allen, M. Floyd (Dreamcatchers!) vs AJ Green, K. Britt, R. Wayne (Predator Press) (Included the flex because both of us are starting WR in that slot.)
The present and the future against the present and 2012. Britt? Wayne? LOBO has turned his fantasy football roster into a time machine. And it isn't even a Delorean. Where his receivers are going might not need roads but they will need the luck of the fantasy gods. Advantage: The Dreamcrushers! Tight End K. Rudolph (Dreamcrushers!) vs J. Graham (Predator Press)
Yeah, I got nothing. Advantage: Clearly Predator Press Kicker and Defense
Hahahahahaha....flip a coin.
So final tally is advantage me for RB and WR, Predator Press for TE, and a tie at QB. And you know what that means.
