We .... WON?

LOBO -Predator Press

Well the Preds owe everything to Cody Parkey.  Seven points!  That's like a touchdown and some other play that probably exists in football.

Other guys probably did important stuff too.

Week 7 Recap

LOBO -Predator Press

  

Week 6: Shit Just Got Real - Behold Brandon McMananicus!

Even his condoms are frightening.

LOBO -Predator Press

Still smarting from the asswhipping Renal Failure aka "The People's Champion" delivered upon our beloved Preds in Week 5, I am driven to only one conclusion: "The People" are just plain dumb as a box of hammers.  But our league commissioner, doubtlessly feeling the pressure of mass public outcry by now, will have stepped down by Week 14 ... and that is when Renal Failure and "The People" will receive the swift, lethal payback of my all-kicker team.  And hopefully Ebola.


McMananicus will have little time to
recover from some minor cybernetic
tweaks and mandatory
performance-enhancing, eh,
"herbal suppliments." 

Leading the charge to find Renal Failure's ass -and follow the subsequent orders to kick it- will be Brandon McMananicus, who will be flexing his mighty big toe of glory on Bald Spots' slippery scalp in Week 6.

Once we work out some hydraulic issues and figure out how Brandon McMananicus can carry fifty three more laser pointers, we, the Preds, are a mere two oil changes from this year's HBFFL Championship.

Once, at tryouts, Kurt Cousins fired a touchdown pass square into my belly.  Despite fumbling bravely, I immediately went to the hospital.  I hate Kurt Cousins.  Why does he have to throw so hard?

PS: Does anyone know where I can get anthrax?  And postage stamps and envelopes?  And everyone in this league's addresses? And the instructions for this HAZMAT suit?

Week 5: I Blame Chris

LOBO -Predator Press

Yes "Chris" -if in fact that is your real name- your cavalier Commissionations costed me Week 5.

Were I not hampered by your oppressive adjudicationing, I could have won last week.  But nay!  You have micromanagicked this league to the point that this entire season is questionable now, and I declare it utterly bereft of sportsmanshipitude. 

If not for your tyrannicalized reign of unjust "rules" and whatever, I would have deployed the following lineup:

QB - Phi DEF, 24 points

WR  - GB DEF, 21 points

WR - Car DEF, 19 points

RB - Stephen Gostkowski NE K, 19 points 

RB - Phil Dawson SF K, 18 points

TE - SD DEF, 16 points

W/R - NE DEF, 15 points

DEF - whoever was playing Tony Romo (points probably still being calculatronned)

 

That is like 500 points.  Chris, the evidence of your meddlutions in my season is clear to us all.  I will file numerous "Torts" and "Motions" to declare this entire season corruptified, and unfit for human consumption.

I will have my comeupperations!

And PS:

 

The Stinky Golden Toe of VICTORY!

LOBO -Predator Press

I am trying to imagine KHAN, the manager of the Future Ex-Cons, on Tuesday morning.  After a full day of torturing starving orphan kids -with impractical knowledge utterly devoid of shoplifting and insurance scams- he retires to the teacher's lounge for his powdered wig and bonbons.

The television on, he prepares to drink in his victory.  Four points behind Predator Press, he had the only player left Monday might: Stephen Gostkowski.  Some French guy.

And it is only then that he smells Mason Crosby's stinky golden toe of my victory.  Sure, some of those other guys on my team scored too, but, as any good fantasy football manager will tell you, seasons are won by drafting lots and lots of kickers and defenses early and often. Just ask Billy Cundiff about what happened the week Nate Kaeding, Mason Crosby, and the entire Cleveland Browns defense stuffed him in his locker and wrote "WARNING! COOTIES!" all over it.  I bet that poor bastard is still in therapy.

So I ask you "Renal Failure," if in fact that is your real name:

 

Can Cody Parkey save you in Week 5?

Hm?

Good-ell Hunting

-LOBO, Predator Press

*beep*

"Hello, Mister Goodell?  Goddamn it that bitch keeps sending me to voicemail.  Sir, I realize this is a bad time with the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situation and all, but I really need Aaron Hernandez to be activated this week to defeat the scourge known as Joe Ohlstein. No, not the cool Joel Osteen, but the godless Joe Ohlstein that dresses like a woman in pagan ceremonies to win fantasy championships.  I think activating Aaron Hernandez can repair your perceived lack of commitment to football.  [*clinky*]  Hey man, I just found seventy-five cents in this payphone -now I can call you back later this morning if I need to!  Anyways, about that 'Redskins' controversy ... would it kill you to spot Kirk Cousins three hundred yards and two touchdowns and settle the whole thing?  And hey ... why don't any players in the NFL know karate?  I think the NKFL would be a-"

*beep*

The Virtues of Nate Kaeding

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Little is known about Nathaniel James Kaeding previous to his adoption by the hard-working Norwegians that found him naked save for swaddling, floating down river in a grog cask.  But Kaeding's new loving parents -having left from some perfectly good country on numerous maps to "pursue the American Dream"- were brutally slain by a rouge group of wandering Amish in effort to rescue the boy within moments of arriving on American soil.

"Kaeding" is Amish for Him kick ball better than Billy Cundiff. "Nate" is derived from something probably important in Amish history as well. "James" is, well, James. James doesn't mean anything significant -it is widely believed Kaeding got branded with the plain old defunct "James" as a consequence of being found naked save for swaddling, floating down river in a grog cask by immigrant Norwegians.   Charges were never filed against Kaeding who was twenty three years old at the time.  Still, dogged by Billy Cundiff's Wikipedia updates, "James" was a scarlet shame that would haunt Kaeding his entire life.

"He kicked the shit out of everything," the Amish recalled in a recent interview. "Dishes, butter churns, pets ... that little son of a bitch was a real asshole, and we wanted him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law." In 2005, now a wanted fugitive, Kaeding was recruited by Rodger Goodell. Goodell, the inventor of football, apparently had a lot of shit he needed kicked, and Kaeding was given, like, a million dollars the Amish could sue him for.

Things went pretty smoothly until 2012 when Kaeding received a season-ending injury, effectively derailing a long-negotiated trade between Predator Press and nonamedufus for Aaron Rodgers.  But despite the injury Kaeding played, and he got so many points the nonames record would have changed to 4-0-0 going into Week Five.  [Renal Failure documented the kicker's incredible Week Four heroics here.  As of October 5, 2012, Billy Cundiff has not as of yet been charged.]

"We're not giving up hope on nonamedufus," commented one Predator Press manager on condition of anonymity. "We can't just let Kaeding waste away at home making unflattering edits on the Amish Wikipedia page.  He is an athlete by definition. Even on crutches, Kaeding will go to nonames games to mooch free Gatorade cheer on the team with his infectious spirit," I explain.  "The positive net effect on morale is like a dragon breathing fire on your opponents -with the tenacity and speed of a lion on a shark's back.  Yes.  When is the last time you saw Aaron Rogers resemble anything like a Dragoliark? And more importantly, when's the last time you saw him split the uprights?"

Still, Predator Press remains optimistic.  "It's not too late for nonamedufus to come to his senses, claim Kaeding from waivers, and give us Aaron Rodgers," I continue in this anonymous interview.  "But he's Canadian. It's really hard to talk sense into those people sometimes. That's why they have free medical care."