Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Duke of New York




Fact: the only 3-0 team from the HBFFL last season (La Machine) made the playoffs.

Fact: this season two teams are 3-0.

And surprise, surprise! It's not the Looks (Team DuckGirl), Brains(Defending Champion), or Brawn(Totes McGoats) from the illustrious 1-0 Squad from Week One. It's the Ducky Canucky known as What the Canuck? and the Wild Card (bitches!) Renal Failure rocking out in the 3-0 Lounge. Quite an unexpected turn of events indeed, for who could have forseen that a team loaded with mostly Buffalo Bills and a team modeled on Chaos Theory would be undefeated going into Week 4?

DuckGirl, DefChamps, and McGoats... one of you isn't making the playoffs if the tea leaves and chicken bones are correct (and one of you will meet a dark handsome man in the next three months).

But enough about trends. This was a big week for The People's Champion for we are also the HBFFL Toyota Biggest Fantasy Blowout team for Week 3, beating Paula and her GooglyEyed Goons by 84 points. Our 129 point total ties us with Defending Champion for most points scored this season, though if we had played Pierre Thomas instead of the stagnating Steve Slaton we would have shattered that mark. But still, we got some tasty revenge against the Goons for knocking us out of the first round of the Consolation Playoffs last season. The People are spiteful.

Our victory this week also earns the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler another title... and that is The Duke of New York.

See, unlike previous Sundays, we weren't around to watch most of the NFL games on TV or to agonize over our lineup minutes before kickoff. We were in The Big Apple for the weekend, away from the computer. So it was quite a pleasant surprise when we came home to find that not only had Maurice Jones-Drew finally had the huge game we've been waiting for him to have, but that our addition of NY Jets WR Jerricho Cotchery to the starting lineup over T.J. Houz-not-doing-shit had paid off nicely as well (21 points).

But what truly gives us the Duke of New York title is that Renal Failure is now the highest scoring team in the league (331 points for the People), giving us the tiebreaker edge over fellow 3-0 team What the Canuck? And that makes us... A-NUMBER-ONE!

But grand times like this can be fleeting for the Duke, who is also the Wild Card, so the People's Champion is going to enjoy this while he can, before Team DuckGirl tries her luck against the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler in Week 4. All we can say for sure is if Renal Failure wins, we will add yet another title to our list of self-aggrandizing accolades.

---Renal Failure is the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies. We can still go 3-11, because that would totally be a Wild Card thing to do.

The Good, the Bad and the Haiku

The Good: I scored like 108 points and was able to hand Team Duckgirl a decided ass whooping.

The Bad: My Bills looked bad. Like REALLY bad. Like Buffalo Bills bad. Not good at all. Bad.

The more Good: I had unloaded a bunch of Bills prior to the week.

The more bad: I still played TO – I have no idea what the T stands for, but the O stands for the points he got me.

The last Good: I’m sitting second overall in the league as far as points scored.

The last Bad: I’m playing Defending Champion this week, who is only a point behind me and appears to have a better team overall.

The Haiku (OKAY – this is really the last bad):

 

Your kicker is weak,

No longer the Goulden boy,

Jets to fly through Saints!

 

Until next week.

CHEERS!

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Three



1. Peyton Manning 47
What The Canuck?

2. Maurice Jones-Drew 36
Renal Failure

3. Aaron Rodgers 36
The Ramblers

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt)

2009 HBFFL Week Three Results and Standings

Results



















Standings

Monday, September 28, 2009

Tuesday Morning QB On Monday with apologies to Joe and Randy

In the spirit of Yom Kippur, I would like to make a couple of apologies in this week's Tuesday Morning QB, which like last week is brought to you on a Monday. This time I have ARod, SJax, DJax, RMoss, and, last but not least, DBrees, to thank for being able to post a day early, but this time with a win.

First, I apologize to Joe Ohlstein, or as he likes to call himself in our fantasy football league at least this year, Defending Champion. Last year, he hid behind the mask of Fantasy Virgin, which we thought was his wife, Leigh, but turned out actually to be him.

At least, this year he has "man"-ned up to admit to his sex change.

I am sorry (so sorry) that I didn't play David Akers at kicker and Steve Breaston at wide receiver in our fantasy football matchup this past weekend against you, Joe (or should I say, Josephine?). If I had, I would have kicked your ass by a score of 125-48 instead of the mere 115-48 that I did. Instead I used Lawrence Tynes and Chad Ochocinco and went easy on you. Consider yourself lucky.

Second, I apologize to Randy Moss for bad-mouthing you in my previous Tuesday Morning QB post. However, I'm still reserving that finger for you, Randy, if need be. So be forewarned. I'll use it if I have to do so and like this notorious photo of Johnny Cash, it won't be pretty.

johnny_cash_finger

Click on photo for a song that I'm sure Joe, in his confused gender identity state, will appreciate.

Next week: a post hopefully without any middle fingers after I face Humor Blog Fantasy League Football Blog founder, Chris Cameron of Angry Seafood this coming weekend.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Two



1. Frank Gore 40
Team Duck Girl

2. Phil Rivers 39
Renal Failure

3. Drew Brees
Defending Champions

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt)

2009 HBFFL Week Two Results and Standings

Results



















Standings


Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler



We're sure last week some of you were skeptical of The People's Champion's claim that we were the Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL. But after Week 2, there is no reason to doubt the unpredictability of the now 2-0 Renal Failure.

Because who saw Philip Rivers having a 400+ yard passing day against the mega-defense of the Baltimore Ravens? Who saw Rivers putting up more points than both my starting wide receivers, running backs, defense and kicker combined (39 to 36)? And who saw both Rivers and TE Dallas Clark scoring more points than the entire Ramblers Predator Press starting lineup (66 to 62)?

(Correction: I had Ramblers on the brain instead of my actual opponent for the week Predator Press, probably because of Dallas Clark's performance this week causing flashbacks to last season when the Rambler-owned Clark ruined my season. But we've seen to it he won't be doing that again!)

If you answered "Yeah, I saw that" to any of those questions, you're a worse liar than we are. And Renal Failure is the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies.

And just to solidify how unpredictable Renal Failure is, we will now present this post translated into Japanese back into English back to Japanese back to English back to Japanese and back to English, courtesy of Translation Party...

We last week, many of the claims of some people's champion was a wild card (complaints are skeptical!) HBFFL has confirmed that. However, the two are not expected in 2-0 weeks is reason to doubt renal failure.

Per day more than 400 megabytes per day, you Borutimoareibunzu Yadofirippu the defense, either saw the river? Two rivers one of my counsel, kicker (39-36), than anyone else in the starting wide receiver, running back up the point of going to see more? TE Dallas Clark and two of two rivers, the entire line-up (66-62), or, or real, or at least, what I saw the start of the game?

The answers to these questions is either a bad liar Jesus. In addition, renal failure, manufactures, is a blatant lie wild blog.

---Renal Failure is the People's Champion, Wild Card (bitches!), and Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler of the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. Renal Failure has fear? A thousand times no! For soon the Super Karate Monkey Death Car will park in his space!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Tuesday Morning QB A Day Early No Thanks To The Canuck In Our League

I've decided to bring back a feature from last year called Tuesday Morning Quarterback --

a day early no thanks to the Canuck in our league.

Here, I'll look over what I and (sometimes) other team owners could have done differently to win the game.

It's too early in the season to flagellate others, so this week I'll leave the flagellation for myself:


Both figures in the above picture are me.

If you notice, though, I'm not using the traditional cat o' nine tails and am only using the cat o' four tails, so really I'm not beating myself up too badly. Canucklehead of What The Canuck? wielded a cat o' five tails to finish the job.

Tail No. 1: Not using DeSean Jackson

Even though the Iggles (as you likely to hear them called if you live in southeastern Pennsylvania, which I once did -- along with more colorful descriptions, I'm sure, especially after this weekend) sucked it up against the Saints, wide receiver DeSean Jackson went for 101 yards on four catches and one touchdown. "Wildcat" also went 15 yards for the Eagles in the wildcat formation.

Friday night, based on bad fantasy football advice from various sources, I used Tampa Bay running back Derrick Ward instead. He went 32 yards on nine carries and amassed three points for me.

Meanwhile, Jackson racked up 22 points.

Net difference: 19 points!

Tail No. 2: Not using David Garrard

Jacksonville quarterback David Garrard is my backup and in the Jaguars' 31-17 loss to the Cardinals, he racked up 28 points to Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers, my starter, who in the Packers' 31-24 loss to the Bengals, put up a respectable and predictable 23 points.

In this one, I don't feel quite as bad, because Rodgers, whom I also had last year, is reliable in most cases.

Net difference: Five points.

Tail No. 3: Not using Steve Breaston

Speaking of the Cardinals, Arizona wide receiver Steve Breaston put up a respectable 83 yards on five passes for eight points.

Randy Moss, my starter, meanwhile, had two points. That's right, count them:

bum-giving-the-finger-784479

My thoughts exactly. Thanks, Randy.

Instead of his predicted 13 points, he wound up with a measly two.

However, I still would have played him so I'll take back one of those fingers I gave you, Mr. Moss, and save the other one for when you screw me over next time.

Net difference: Six points.

Tail No. 4: Not using Dustin Keller

New York Jets' tight end Dustin Keller had eight points on one touchdown with 22 yards on three carries and one touchdown. Meanwhile, the player I started, Visanthe Shiancoe from the Minnesota Vikings went one-for-one-for-one and six points.

I hope Shiancoe can show me what he's got by the end of the year. Oh, wait, he already did that last year.

Net difference: Two points. Basically, a wash.
= Total difference: 32 points!

For Canucklehead, meanwhile, Baltimore running back Willis McGhee was predicted to get 13 points. Instead, he had two touchdowns and got 20 points. Buffalo running back Fred Jackson was predicted to have 13 points. Instead, he had 163 yards on the ground with 28 carries, but no touchdown. Who the Fahrvergn├╝gen cares, though? He had 23 points, 10 points higher than expected.

As it stands now, before Canucklehead even uses Peyton Manning in tonight's game, the score was 92-79 in his favor.

Congratulations, Canucklehead. Here's a song for you:

week 2 haiku

Something a little different this week – bringing together two of my greatest loves: NFL football and the Japanese poetry style know as haiku.

 

My Buffalo Bills.

Fred Jackson had a big day,

Marshawn no weapon.

 

Saints go marching on,

Soar like Eagles on the Brees,

The air apparent?

 

Seriously? Huh?

What the hell is going on?

Certainly you Jest?

(J! E! S! T! JEST! JEST! JEST!)

 

Cured the hangover?

Warner shines with ninety plus.

Completions not age.

 

Seattle Gored,

Hasselbeck gets McNabbed,

San Fran not so gay.

 

Jay Cutler redeems,

Well, what can Browns do for you?

Make your team look good.

 

They might be Giants.

Manning to Manningham – huh?

Might get confusing.

 

Manning on Monday,

Tie the franchise win record?

Bet your Unitass!

 

Week two is now done,

For the Ramblers anyway,

In short … be afraid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Wild Card, Bitches!



Fact: All four of the Championship Playoffs last season won their Week One game (La Machine, Fantasy Virgin, The White Strypers, and The Ramblers). The fifth 1-0 team ended the season in last place at 2-12.

So let's look at the Week One winners and figure out who's making the playoffs and who's finishing last in '09.

Defending Champions - With Drew Brees putting up Tecmo Bowl numbers, the only way they're finishing last is if Brees loses both arms in a farming accident. We'll call them The Brains, as they had the good sense to pick up Julius Jones and Cedric Benson as free-agents after the draft and they put up good numbers to compliment Brees' ridiculous Week One.

Team Duckgirl - Tony Romo can sling it, Greg Jennings can catch it, and the tandem of DeAngelo Williams and Frank Gore can run it. Since she was the only female owner to win in Week One, she gets to be The Looks.

Totes McGoats - It's hard to say that a team with Adrian Peterson on it won't make the playoffs. Watching him manhandle Cleveland's defense makes this team The Brawn.

What the Canuck? - Our resident team from Marxist Red Canada is relying a lot on the success of the Buffalo Bills (he's got five of them on his roster), but maybe Peyton Manning can even out that imbalance. I'd say this makes them The Ducky, the oddball with the overdeveloped sense of loyalty. But Ducky didn't get to walk out of Pretty in Pink with Molly Ringwald (fuck you, Blaine!).

And that brings us to Renal Failure. Unlike the above teams, the People's Champion has something that these other teams don't: unpredictability. You can look at the lineups of these other 1-0 teams and know exactly how they're going to beat you. But who saw the Philadelphia Eagles Defense/Special Teams putting up 31 points this past week? Certainly not La Machine.

What's that make us? THE WILD CARD, BITCHES!

What about the 0-1 teams? Who are they? Let them hash that out on their own posts. But they don't get coffee, because coffee is for closers.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Paying Some Bills!

 

This may be a humour blog deal but Canucklehead is taking this seriously.

No pictures, no videos, no music – just me talking like an internet tough guy.

Maybe it’s that I was up until midnight watching football. Maybe it’s that I woke up still reeking of rum. (Ran out of beer.) Maybe I haven’t had my coffee yet. Whatever it is – I’m just not feeling ‘funny.’

 

One week, one victory. This year’s champion. Book it. Done.

 

I was only able to squeak out a win against the dreaded Googlyeyed Goons this week but I’m well positioned to dominate. For starters, I’ve got me some Peyton Manning and I love me some Peyton. For starters, he’s not Tom Brady. It doesn’t sound like much but it’s a big deal to me.

 

Last year I got Brady with my first pick. I hate the guy. Too handsome and too good. Not my type at all. Still, I couldn’t just cut the guy could I? COULD I? No, sadly I couldn’t. Anyway, the choice was made for me as he was taken out about 10 minutes into the season. I could go on but yadda, yadda, yadda … I end up in the second to last place.

 

Not this year. Repeat. Not this year. New season, new strategy:

 

1)    Add Brady (and Favre) to ‘DO NOT DRAFT’ list

2)    Draft a good player and a Bill at every position

3)    ?????

4)    Profit.

 

Well, so far so good. Except for the profit. Oh, and figuring out what exactly I’m doing.

That will follow – so, be warned – this year I plan on popping fantasy virgin’s cherry and I’m taking you all for a little ride en route. Big words? No.

 

THESE ARE BIG WORDS!

 

In closing, you want pictures and videos and lots of razzle dazzle? Stop by my place. Here you get straight talk and no mercy. Oh, except don’t comer by if you’re a Brady fan. Or a Favre fan. Or a fan of either of their teams. Actually, any of the teams in the Bills’ division as well. Or an Oakland fan – those folks are real douchebags. Hmph – maybe you just better not come by at all – apparently I’m not in a good mood. All that will change next Sunday as I dismantle the Ramblers. Until then, CHEERS!

2009 HBFFL MVP Week One



1. Drew Brees 58
Defending Champions

2. Adrian Peterson 42
Totes McGoats


3. Tony Romo 40
Team Duck Girl


(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt)

2009 HBFFL Week One Results and Standings

Results


















Standings







Sunday, September 6, 2009

LaMachine Must Break the HBFFL

2008 left a bad taste in the figurative mouth of LaMachine. A One-point loss in the Championship game tends to do that to a team, especially when it comes at the hand of a cross-dresser.


Enjoy your defending umm ship umm ness umm whatever for the sixteen weeks you have it Defending Champion. I think this clip sums up the pain you and everyone else will feel in the 2009 season...



The only difference this time is that Ivan Drago will actually win the damned fight. There’s no script in this fantasy season analogy that leads to a championship loss like there was in Rocky IV.

Don’t sing it bring it you all say?

Consider it brought. And brought. And then brought some more.

We start with the only returning member from the 2008 squad, quarterback Donovan McNabb. His backup this year is Jake Delhomme.

How about this squad of running backs: Michael Turner, Ryan Grant, Chris Johnson, Ray Rice, and Knowshon Moreno?

If the impressive list of backfield domination does not have Defending Champion trembling in his high heels, and the entire HBFFL for that matter there is more where that came from.

Calvin Johnson leads the wide receiver squad. This is a guy that amassed a staggering 1,331 yards and twelve touchdowns for Detroit, a team that lost every single game last season. Joining him on LaMachine’s roster is Wes Welker, Bernard Berrian, and Donald Driver.

Scared yet Mr. Thong-Beneath-His-Business-Suit man? Worried yet fellow league owners?

Finally, rounding out the machine-like scoring in 2009 are tight ends Chris Cooley, Kevin Boss; kicker John Kasey, and the mighty Tennessee defense/special teams.

LaMachine is serving notice to the entire league and not just Defending Champion. You have no chance to survive. Make your time.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Woe to Me!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Of my strategy to attain the most unpronounceable player in the the NFL, 'Operation: Roethlisberger' was countered by my esteemed colleague Renal Failure with "T. J. Houshmandzadeh."

"Houshmandzadeh" uses all your tiles and has a "z" in it -on Triple Word, this makes his Scrabble score incalculable.

Well played, RF.

Well played.

The People's Return


Our team has a ninja... does yours?


The chaos that is the 2009 auto-draft has ended and Renal Failure, The People's Champion (8-6, finished 7th), has emerged looking much like they did in 2008.

Philip Rivers (4th in QB points in '08) returns to the Failure as starting QB. Maurice-Jones Drew and Steve Slaton (10th and 8th in '08) are back as an even more dangerous one/two RB combo now that Fred Taylor is no longer vulturing touchdowns in Jacksonville. Hines Ward returns to provide stability in the WR slot, and our DEF is anchored by the ever-steady Philadelphia Eagles (1st in '08).

Unfortunately our MVP of last season WR Larry Fitzgerald was gobbled up by Paula's GooglyEyed Goons, and the third head on our Three-Headed Hydra of Running Backs (and the People's Best Free Agent Pickup from '08) Chris Johnson ended up on La Machine. We're hoping WR TJ Houshmandzadeh can revitalize his career in Seattle, and that Reggie Bush has another injury-plagued season in New Orleans so RB Pierre Thomas gets a chance to shine and our Three-Headed Hydra can be ressurected.

(Note: actually we had a four-headed Hydra last season with Jones-Drew, Slaton, Johnson, and Joseph Addai, giving us the deepest RB core in the league even with Addai's sub-par season.)

The loss of Chicago's DEF is countered by the acquisition of Tampa Bay. We lost K's David Akers (2nd in '08) and Rob Bironas, but we figure Nate Kaeding and Neil Rackers will be quite busy in the high-offense cities of San Diego and Arizona respectively. And Eli Manning has the pedigree and breeding to fill in as backup QB when necessary.

But the biggest pickup in this draft was of the man who single-handedly destroyed our playoff chances last season: The People's Scourge TE Dallas Clark. His improbable 21 point game against Tennessee sank us against the Ramblers in Week 8, but now we've ensured that Mr. Clark will not screwing us like that again.

When you play against Renal Failure, you play against The People. And The People are dangerous, like a crib made out of rusty nails and broken glass. We look forward to a fantasy football season of wild fabrications, outright lies, and violent, delusional week-to-week mood swings.