The People's Week 7: Everyone does their best against us

by Renal Failure


When it rains, it keeps raining, and rains some more until there's nothing but the rain...


The People's Champ was busy this past week doing the People's Business so we're going to keep this brief, and overly terse because we lost.

Good news: We scored 94 points for the second week in a row
Bad news: Troi and his Future Ex-Cons scored 140, the highest total of the week and making this loss the biggest blowout of the week in the HBFFL.
Semi-Good News: Yahoo! says that three of our four losses have come against team's putting up the highest score that week, so if we're getting beat we're getting beat by the absolute best.

Good news: We were right about Demaryius Thomas mitigating the damage from Peyton Manning. Thomas has 36 points, Manning had 38.
Bad news: We were wrong about Marques Colston not getting many points from Drew Brees. Colston put up 16, Brees 31. Not that it would have mattered, but we like to be right.

Bad news: Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris duplicated their weak performance from last week.
Really bad news: Fred Jackson got injured and is out for at least a month
Really really bad news: Our handcuff for Fred Jackson, CJ Spiller, broke his collarbone and is out for the season.
Really really really bad news: LOBO snatched up Cody Parkey from waivers when we dropped him for his bye week.

Semi-good news: Despite the big numbers that the people we traded for Drew Brees Sammy Watkins, Chris Ivory, and Tom Brady put up on the Future Ex-Cons bench, we still would have lost if we had all three on our team for this week's game. By 3 points. So the trade is still a positive for us.
Bad news: Larry Fitzgerald has ceased to be a valuable WR.


How many assholes do we have left on this team? YO!

So our running back depth has gone to shit and our starting RB's are struggling, a complete reversal of the usual Renal Failure operating procedure. And while it's never a good time for your strengths to become your weakness, it's particularly inopportune when you're at the halfway mark of the season sitting at 3-4 in 5th place. 

Week 8 looks favorable to the people according to the bots at Yahoo!  Demaryius Thomas has already put up a solid 15 points on Thursday night to set the pace against our Week 8 foes Cranberry Sauce, and we get Jeremy Maclin back in the lineup too. Unfortunately for us 2-5 Cranberry Sauce has gotten 17 points from Antonio Gates, which does not bode well for us considering TE has been very weak for the People's Champ. Still, Yahoo! projects we come out on top 111-104.

Cranberry Sauce might not know this, but the 2nd half of the season is usually where Renal Failure cranks it up several notches. We've turned disastrous starts into playoff runs, and even a championship. So do not be alarmed if Renal Failure starts dominating in these late-in-the-season games because it's what we're famous for around these parts, especially since we've clear most of our bye weeks for our starters.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion, and also got hammered in the FTWL  in Week 7 too.  We're in 5th place there so it appears that no matter what decisions we make, we're a middle of the pack squad so far in 2014.

Week 7 Recap

LOBO -Predator Press

  

The People's Week 6: The Bourbon Went Dry

by Renal Failure


Sometimes your opponent beats themselves...

Not a good Week Six for the People's Champ Renal Failure, but good enough to pull out a slim 94-87 victory over HBFFL veteran Joe O. and his Bourbon Blasters.  Our victory came mainly from the arm of Jay Cutler (31pts), the hands of Demaryius Thomas (23pts) and from Joe's lineup choking at the most inopportune time.

The only person who had a worse week than the Blasters

 The Blasters were down 8 points going into the Monday night game.  All of Renal Failure's squad had played and Joe had Frank Gore and Brian Quick (traded to Joe by us) left to play.  The People won't lie, they pretty much believed their Champion was fucked six ways to next Thursday night's game.  However, Quick got smothered and put up a goose-egg and Gore was barely able to muster a single point in the Niners victory over the Rams. Andre Williams, Joe's big waiver wire addition this week, did not come through as expected with only 5pts in that debacle vs. the Eagles. Percy Harvin probably was better off not even playing this week (0pts). Andre Johnson languished on the Blaster's bench with 14-we-would-have-won points.

This covered up a horrendous day from the Renal Failure starters. Jeremy Maclin was about the only Eagles to not have a good game against the Giants on Sunday night (1pt). Beast Mode and Alfred Morris put up backup RB numbers (6 and 5 respectively) and were outscored by Fred Jackson and God's placekicker Cody Parkey (9pts a piece). 


Half your lineup not scoring can come out of nowhere and push your losing streak to four straight games too...

The People improve to 3-3 on the season, hanging on to 4th place just above our opponent for Week 7, the 3-3 Future Ex-Cons.  The two-time defending HBFFL champs kept pace with a victory of Cranberry Sauce, sending the Sauce into a 5-team pileup of 2-4 teams. Troi's looking to springboard into the 4th all by himself with a victory over Renal Failure, but that may be trickier than he thinks.

The Eagles are on a bye week, so no Maclin, no Zach Ertz, and even more important no Cody Parkey.  Luckily, that trade with Troi earlier in the season brought us Larry Fitzgerald who is starting to get his motor running (and it helps that he's playing against the Raiders this week).  Jason Witten's getting back to being a regular target for Tony Romo, so we're cool on the TE side.  That leaves the kicker position, and we're bringing the man, the myth, the legend... BILLY CUNDIFF!

You can't handle Billy Cundiff's sweet moves!

The People think it's actually a pretty sweet move considering the Cleveland Browns offense has been humming with Brian Hoyer at the helm.  They put up 31 against the Steelers and they're playing the Jaguars this week. A lot of points could be hitting the board in that game for Cleveland.

Troi still has Peyton Manning slinging the pigskin, but if he's throwing mostly to Demaryius Thomas it's not going to Troi much good.  The converse could be said regarding our Drew Brees and his Marques Colston until you remember that Brees throws to the ball to every eligible receiver for the Saints.  Better look to Golden Tate going big in the absence of a healthy Megatron, and for DeSean Jackson to get a 60-yard TD.  And are you going to take Justin Forsett and Ahmad Bradshaw over the Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris, especially with Beast Mode and Morris coming off bad performances the week before?

Brees has a tough matchup vs. Detroit, but he throws the ball all day so he'll get his points. Beast Mode is going to be a beast vs. the Rams.  Alfred Morris can certainly run against the JV team called the Tennessee Titans.  Even Fred Jackson has a very favorable matchup against the Vikings (are they even trying anymore?) 

We're bringing hot fire to Week 7, and random nudity too!

Yahoo!'s giving the early projected edge to Renal Failure 113 to 99. Much of our score is coming from 21 projected points to Demaryius Thomas, which seems a bit high until you realize Peyton Manning is projected for 33 on Troi's side.  The People like their chances of Renal Failure hitting the 113 mark and higher in Week Seven. 

Standing at 4-3 in either 4th or 3rd place (if Mile High Club loses to The DreamCrushers!) at the halfway point in the season would be an excellent position for Renal Failure to be in.  Most of our main talent would be done with their bye weeks and we like our depth if the injury bug bites us. But we have to win Week 7 first.  Being 3-4 at the halfway point isn't a death sentence — we've certainly come back from worse predicaments — but it won't be easy. 

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and the 2010 HBFFL and FTWL champion.  Joe got his vengeance by beating us in the FTWL by a score of 138-113. Yahoo! enjoyed our effort and gave us a B+ in the recap, which is better than the C we got for our HBFFL win, which tells us that winning your game has no effect on your Yahoo! computerized recap grade.

The Stinky Golden Toe of VICTORY!

LOBO -Predator Press

I am trying to imagine KHAN, the manager of the Future Ex-Cons, on Tuesday morning.  After a full day of torturing starving orphan kids -with impractical knowledge utterly devoid of shoplifting and insurance scams- he retires to the teacher's lounge for his powdered wig and bonbons.

The television on, he prepares to drink in his victory.  Four points behind Predator Press, he had the only player left Monday might: Stephen Gostkowski.  Some French guy.

And it is only then that he smells Mason Crosby's stinky golden toe of my victory.  Sure, some of those other guys on my team scored too, but, as any good fantasy football manager will tell you, seasons are won by drafting lots and lots of kickers and defenses early and often. Just ask Billy Cundiff about what happened the week Nate Kaeding, Mason Crosby, and the entire Cleveland Browns defense stuffed him in his locker and wrote "WARNING! COOTIES!" all over it.  I bet that poor bastard is still in therapy.

So I ask you "Renal Failure," if in fact that is your real name:

 

Can Cody Parkey save you in Week 5?

Hm?