Thursday, October 9, 2014

The People's Week 5: Breaking the Streak

by Renal Failure

What a delicious beating...

Dear People's Champion of Fantasy Football Renal Failure,

Please accept our apologize for Demaryius Thomas not scoring for shit in his first games of the season. To make up for this, he will score ALL THE POINTS in Week Five for you. Sorry for the miscommunication.

Peyton Manning.

P.S. - Please buy a Papa John's Pizza.

When you get 41 points from your WR, things are usually going swimmingly for you.  And that indeed was the case in Week 5 as Renal Failure scored a ultra-sweet 129-71 victory over Predator Press. Why "ultra-sweet?"  Because Renal Failure hadn't beaten Predator Press since the 2010 Humor Bowl.  Three full years of losses to Predator Press - regular season and playoffs.  No more of that noise.  REGULATORS, MOUNT UP!!!

We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese... and Marshawn Lynch crushing people to be the 2nd highest scoring RB in the league...

There were other bright spots for the People  other than Demaryius Thomas's 41-point Bear Leaving the Solar System.  Beast Mode went for 17 points. Jeremy Maclin continues catching TD's (13pts), and the San Diego D blanked the Jets for a 16-point day. Cody Parkey told LOBO's Mason Crosby to know his role and shut his mouth with a 10-point day (he's the #2 scoring kicker in the HBFFL).  Drew Brees managed 25 points, as did Jay Cutler, so that makes us feel a little better about Brees being on a bye in Week Six.

Cody Parkey drinks your milkshake, LOBO
Unfortunately there were underachievers in the lineup. Alfred Morris and Bishop Sankey only managed 2pts a piece, which greatly disappointed us because we thought this was finally Sankey's time to shine in the Titan's backfield.  Morris was running against the Seahawks so we're more charitable with him. Zach Ertz is not living up to the TE of the future label we gave him so he's going to take a backseat to Jason Witten, especially now that Dallas has figured out how to play football again.

LOBO can take solace that nothing he would have done in Week Five would have mattered, but Yahoo! gave him a D-grade in the recap. And he's not in good shape going forward with Jimmy Graham's bum shoulder and Rashard Jennings getting banged up vs Atlanta. At least you've got last place Bald Spots to kick around this week.

We consulted the Torah for our Week Six lineup, but all we got was a recipe for Gifilte Fish...

This is one of the rare seasons that our Week Six opponent Bourbon Blaster do not have Drew Brees in their lineup. Unfortunately we don't have him in our lineup either for Week Six because of the Saints bye week.  But Jay Cutler's been putting up Brees-like numbers so we're okay there. The problem comes in the form of some former members of the Renal Roster. We traded Brian Quick for Chris Ivory (who we parlayed for Brees) and Quick has proven to be a golden WR in garbage time for the Rams. Also we had released Ben Tate when he was injured and the Blasters snatched him up when he got healthy, and he's showing to be the main RB we thought he'd be when we originally drafted him.

Joe went to the waiver wire to get Andre Williams with Rashard Jennings down and the Giants playing the Eagles this week (who while having the highest scoring DEF/Special Teams in the HBFFL also give up an obscene amount of yards and points to the opposition).  Frank Gore's running on the hapless Rams so that looks problematic for the People.  Percy Harvin kept having touchdowns called back this past Monday so he should get the chance to wild against the Cowboys.

41 points later, he's the 8th ranked WR in the league
Despite all that, Yahoo! is giving the early edge to Renal Failure.  Demaryius Thomas should have another big day, this time vs. the Jets.  Fred Jackson is starting to catch fire and is playing a weak Patriots squad.  Maclin's going to get his, as usual, and especially in a game against a divisional rival. And Beast Mode is Beast Mode.

Winning this week would not only give us the pleasure of extending the Blasters' losing streak to four games, it would help us begin to break away from the logjam of six 2-3 teams.  Renal Failure's currently atop this morass in fourth because we've got more 6 more points than the Blasters. We'll see whether Week Six marks the point where we rise up toward the playoffs or sink deeper into the uncertain muck.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and Wild Card (bitches!) of Fantasy Football. We also beat LOBO in the FTWL but not as savagely. We're also playing the Blasters in the FTWL, but Yahoo! likes their chances of winning way more there, but that's mainly because Peyton Manning is projected to put up 33 points vs. the Jets, which is somewhat reasonable.


Michael Wolfe said...

Congratulations from deep in the morass! However, you realize this victory will get overturned when Chris' anti-kicker prejudices are exposed, right?

I just sent Mason Crosby down the highway with "Sad Hulk" music playing. This is no league for the feint-of-toe.

Michael Wolfe said...

Coincidentally I just learned today the proper phrase is "faint-of-heart."

Regarding grammar, picture me at a keyboard wearing industrial eye protection and a blood soaked apron.

(And nothing else)

(Picture it)