by Renal Failure (aka the People's Champion)
Look upon your fantasy football schedule... and despair!
Week 3 in the HBFFL... where teams stop fucking around and get down to business. Where 0-2 teams try to get back into the season, 1-1 teams look to jump over the .500 mark, and 2-0 teams look to maintain the momentum of their awesome starts. Whatever your situation, this is the week to circle the wagons, and if you were paying attention last season you'd know that no one circles the wagons like Renal Failure.
Yahoo! Projections have the Bald Spots beating the People's Champion 91-86, mainly on the projection of Adrian Petersen putting up 23 big points on Detroit. And perhaps that's a fair assessment, but Yahoo! is discounting Tom Brady yet again, only projecting him for 22pts against a horrid Buffalo Bills team after coming off a frustrating game against the NY Jets. Bill Bellichek is a bitter man, so we see him telling Brady to launch multiple bears into space this game.
The People's Champ is also being discounted at the WR position, as we're starting Mark Clayton and Nate Washington instead of Dwayne Bowe and Hines Ward. It may seem like a fit of pique to bench our usual starters - and, to some extent, that's true - but it's also a relatively smart play as Clayton and Washington have the hot hand, Bowe's not getting anything from Matt "2008 was a fluke year" Cassell, and Pittsburgh is starting Charlie Batch at QB this week who is merely a step up from starting someone who lost their throwing arm in a fight with the Yakuza.
My mistake, she's way better than Charlie Batch.
Not to say the Bald Spots are undeserving of their high projected score. Philip Rivers is playing against a very non-special Seattle defense and doesn't have young RB Ryan Mathews in his backfield this week, so we're going to issue an Orbital Bear Watch for Rivers, unless Mike Tolbert bashes in all the TD's from the goal line.
Brandon Marshall doesn't have to deal with Daryl Revis when the Dolphins play the Jets, Anquan Boldin will get better than average chances to put up big numbers against the Browns, and Matt Forte is likely to have an average day against the Packers, which is fine because AP will pick up the slack against Detroit in what we'll designate as an Orbital Bear Warning.
The highest level on the Bear Threat Level Chart is, of course, BEAR FORCE ONE. Once Threat Level Bear Force One has been declared, go to your local gay bar and stay there until Tuesday because you don't want to see what happened to your Fantasy Team on Sunday and Monday.
But unless you've got the memory of the guy from Memento, you'll remember that no one circles the wagons like Renal Failure. Tom Brady is an Orbital Bear Warning against the Bills, Chris Johnson will be looking to rebound from a horrid performance against Pittsburgh to get himself back on track for the 2,500 yards he plans on having by season's end, Clinton Portis is going to see a lot of time with the ball vs. the porous St. Louis Rams, and Jason Witten and the Cowboys look to reestablish themselves this week against a Houston Texans team that gives up big numbers to tight ends according to Yahoo!.
So the tie breaker for this game will come down, in true Wild Card (bitches!) fashion, to the kickers. Renal Failure has perennial Top Two kicker David Akers who is always busy. Bald Spots have Jay Feely who is one step above someone who lost their kicking leg to a zombie outbreak.
Our mistake again... she's much better than Jay Feely.
It won't be a blow-out, but it won't be a low-scoring affair either. Renal Failure didn't lose consecutive games last season and doesn't look to start either because no one circles the wagons like the People's Champion.
Renal Failure might be into amputee chicks, but only if those limbs have been replaced with deadly weapons.