Week 6: Bloodbath Warning is in Effect

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure




Artistic rendering of a Renal Failure vs. Bald Spots fantasy football matchup...

The Un-Ramblers escaped with a win over your People's Champion last week 101-92. The Jason Campbell experiment at QB didn't work like we thought (Tony Romo was on a bye week), and only someone from the future would have picked DeAngelo Williams to have a much better day than Chris Johnson. Brandon Lloyd continues to struggle, but Megatron still delivers for the People and made it a close game. We'll get another shot at Rambler in Week 14, and at full strength too.

Now to the task at hand... Bald Spots. As regular readers of this blog will know, Renal Failure and Bald Spots have quite a history playing against each other. It was Bald Spots vs. Renal Failure back in 2009 when Tom Brady had his 60-point game that gave birth to the fantasy football phrase "throwing a bear into outer space" to denote a ridiculously awesome fantasy performance by a player (note: Renal Failure survived to win that game). The next year, Bald Spots threw all sorts of bears into outer space with a 156-86 victory in Week Three of the 2010 season. Renal Failure returned the favor in Week 13 with a 166-76 nuclear holocaust where Tom Brady (now on Renal Failure team), Peyton Hillis, and Dwayne Bowe outscored not only the entire Bald Spots starting roster on their own with 126 points between them, they outscored every other team in the HBFFL that day.

When Bald Spots and Renal Failure get together, it's never pretty.


Why don't you enjoy hurting me as much as I enjoy hurting you?

The matchup for Week 6 doesn't look so painful... for Renal Failure. Yes, Bald Spots has Tom Brady slinging the rock in a favorable matchup with Dallas, but that means Tony Romo will be throwing just as much as well. CJ2K is out for Renal Failure, but that just gives us the chance to see if DeAngelo Williams is the real deal after two outstanding rushing weeks. Brandon Lloyd is also on a bye, but it's almost like he's been on a bye week for most of the season anyway. The Philadelphia Eagles are looking to stop being embarrassed week after week so a big week from Shady McCoy is likely. And then there's Megatron, who murders Autobots and catches touchdowns every single week.

Bald Spots are in a jam, Tom Brady and Vernon Davis aside. They're relying on BenJarvus Green-Ellis for their running attack, which is never a sure thing. Vincent Jackson is out on a bye week and Bryan doesn't have a lot of receiving options on his roster. In fact, as of this post, he's going with David Nelson of the Bills and Jordy Nelson of the Packers as his WR and Flex options. They might be serviceable but neither tickle the "Bear in orbit" meter.


Bryan might be better off playing Matthew & Gunnar than David and Jordy... also, this might be the first-ever Nelson joke in Fantasy Football history...

The Yahoo! number-crunchers have Renal Failure winning 102-81(mainly because Bryan hasn't switched out Vincent Jackson yet, but if he puts in Anquan Boldin the score is 102-90), but the People know that it won't be that close. Someone's spending Week 6 in a lot of pain, and we're not counting on it being us.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Renal Failure suggests putting "Hobo with a Shotgun" in your Netflix queue. But you're not ready for Ichi the Killer. You need to work up to that movie.

Week 3 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Bald Spots

by Renal Failure (aka the People's Champion)


Look upon your fantasy football schedule... and despair!

Week 3 in the HBFFL... where teams stop fucking around and get down to business. Where 0-2 teams try to get back into the season, 1-1 teams look to jump over the .500 mark, and 2-0 teams look to maintain the momentum of their awesome starts. Whatever your situation, this is the week to circle the wagons, and if you were paying attention last season you'd know that no one circles the wagons like Renal Failure.

Yahoo! Projections have the Bald Spots beating the People's Champion 91-86, mainly on the projection of Adrian Petersen putting up 23 big points on Detroit. And perhaps that's a fair assessment, but Yahoo! is discounting Tom Brady yet again, only projecting him for 22pts against a horrid Buffalo Bills team after coming off a frustrating game against the NY Jets. Bill Bellichek is a bitter man, so we see him telling Brady to launch multiple bears into space this game.

The People's Champ is also being discounted at the WR position, as we're starting Mark Clayton and Nate Washington instead of Dwayne Bowe and Hines Ward. It may seem like a fit of pique to bench our usual starters - and, to some extent, that's true - but it's also a relatively smart play as Clayton and Washington have the hot hand, Bowe's not getting anything from Matt "2008 was a fluke year" Cassell, and Pittsburgh is starting Charlie Batch at QB this week who is merely a step up from starting someone who lost their throwing arm in a fight with the Yakuza.


My mistake, she's way better than Charlie Batch.

Not to say the Bald Spots are undeserving of their high projected score. Philip Rivers is playing against a very non-special Seattle defense and doesn't have young RB Ryan Mathews in his backfield this week, so we're going to issue an Orbital Bear Watch for Rivers, unless Mike Tolbert bashes in all the TD's from the goal line.

Brandon Marshall doesn't have to deal with Daryl Revis when the Dolphins play the Jets, Anquan Boldin will get better than average chances to put up big numbers against the Browns, and Matt Forte is likely to have an average day against the Packers, which is fine because AP will pick up the slack against Detroit in what we'll designate as an Orbital Bear Warning.


The highest level on the Bear Threat Level Chart is, of course, BEAR FORCE ONE. Once Threat Level Bear Force One has been declared, go to your local gay bar and stay there until Tuesday because you don't want to see what happened to your Fantasy Team on Sunday and Monday.

But unless you've got the memory of the guy from Memento, you'll remember that no one circles the wagons like Renal Failure. Tom Brady is an Orbital Bear Warning against the Bills, Chris Johnson will be looking to rebound from a horrid performance against Pittsburgh to get himself back on track for the 2,500 yards he plans on having by season's end, Clinton Portis is going to see a lot of time with the ball vs. the porous St. Louis Rams, and Jason Witten and the Cowboys look to reestablish themselves this week against a Houston Texans team that gives up big numbers to tight ends according to Yahoo!.

So the tie breaker for this game will come down, in true Wild Card (bitches!) fashion, to the kickers. Renal Failure has perennial Top Two kicker David Akers who is always busy. Bald Spots have Jay Feely who is one step above someone who lost their kicking leg to a zombie outbreak.


Our mistake again... she's much better than Jay Feely.

It won't be a blow-out, but it won't be a low-scoring affair either. Renal Failure didn't lose consecutive games last season and doesn't look to start either because no one circles the wagons like the People's Champion.


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Renal Failure might be into amputee chicks, but only if those limbs have been replaced with deadly weapons.