Wednesday, September 22, 2010

We Threw a Week Two and Nobody on My Team Showed Up

by Renal Failure

This is how Week 2 went for the People's Champion...

The cold, hard fact of Fantasy Football life is that during the course of the season you are going to have a bad week. And by bad fantasy week, we don't mean when your wet dream about Inez Sainz suddenly morphs into a wet dream about Jessica Tandy. No, we're talking about when most of your stud starters fail to perform while your opponent has everyone clicking on all cylinders, leaving you to wonder "Where is my team and why aren't they scoring?"

"What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in this area. Your missing fugitive is the Renal Failure starting lineup."

A lot of the blame for our 105-61 drubbing goes to the Pittsburgh Steelers. For one thing, their defense put up 24 big points for Don and his Eunuchs while keeping the cornerstone of the Renal Roster Chris Johnson to only 4 points (breaking his streak of consecutive 100-yard rushing games). Then Pittsburgh's offense sucked so bad that our top receiver Hines Ward didn't get a single point.

The Renal Bench outperformed the starters with Mark Clayton and Nate Washington individually outscoring both Ward and Bowe combined, and with Clinton Portis outscoring both Chris Johnson and Pierre Thomas combined as well. So the People can take solace that the Renal Bench looks to be rather deep, especially once our trade of Drunk Driver Braylon Edwards for Sydney Rice goes through. Yeah, Rice is out until after the halfway part of the season, but Renal Failure is investing in the future.

Are you on the right track toward retirement? What about college for your children? What if you have to play Renal Failure again in Week 11? Or if Braylon Edwards has to drive you to the doctors?

We did get two things right from our preview last week: one was that Tom Brady would exceed his projected total, but 24 points is far from throwing a bear into orbit. The second was that Dwayne Bowe's performance could only go up, and it did. He quadrupled his point output from last week from 1 to 4 points. But the Philly offense was clicking under Michael Vick, only allowing David Akers to kick 5 extra points instead of the plethora of field goals we thought he'd be booting. Hell, we didn't even get the predictions on our opponents right, as Rashard Mendenhall had a poor showing for the Steelers, Michael Turner left the Atlanta game early, and Tony Romo outscored Tom Brady.

Fact: Don's squad showed up this week ready to rumble and ours didn't. Watch out for the Eunuchs. They may not have balls, but they've got some strong bear-chucking arms.

Now, getting back to our original point about bad fantasy weeks. Last season, we didn't have our bad week until the Championship Game (losing 127-62 to La Machine, the only time that year we scored under 80 points), so we're hoping now that we've got this bad week out of our system we'll be able to run the table and win the league championship.

Fact: Both previous HBFFL champions La Machine and Fantasy Virgin (aka Joe O. faking being his wife Leigh) started their seasons 1-1. See, the trends are still with Renal Failure, so if the rest of the league thinks they can jump on top of the People's Champion, you'd best be backin' up off us.

We never met our daddy...

Week Three sees the Bald Spots coming into the People's House to test Renal Failure's resolve. The last time these two teams met was the infamous Tom Brady 60-point game of '09 that gave birth to the best fantasy football catch phrase ever: throwing a bear into outer space. What new saying will be conceived this time around? Perhaps our preview later this week will have some clues. Until then, go read some books before irony takes that ability away from you.

Renal Failure is not a dimension of sight or sound but of mind. A really sick mind.


Unfinished Rambler said...

I'm hoping Tommy Lee Jones doesn't find your lineup. I'm hoping it stays lost myself :).

However, I am looking forward to seeing what new term with which you can come up. "Throwing bears" was classic.

LOBO said...

Why is everyone expecting Motley Crue's drummer to save their season?

Chris C said...

Not only was La Machine 1-1 after two weeks, but 1-3 after four.

LOBO said...

Yup ... I lost the first two games last year. Shit, I think the only reason I started working on it was because I didn't want you jerks pickin on me for the following fourteen weeks.

It's waaaaay early in the season. I hope some of our new guys aren't too discouraged.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Wait a minute, Lobo. We still pick on you anyway. It's all a part of the fantasy football...ummm...mystique? Yeah, that's right. Mystique.