Friday, September 17, 2010

Week 2 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Eunuchs

See you all in 2011...

Ryan Grant may be out for the season, but Renal Failure is far from finished as we gear up for a Week Two slugfest with Week One's highest-scoring losing team The Eunuchs. Grant's loss hurts but is not a fatal blow to our season because The People's Champion drafted well and will be starting Pierre Thomas in Grant's place (and because Rambler snatched up Brandon Jackson off the free agent list mere seconds after the story of Ryan Grant's season being over hit the ESPN ticker, selfish bastard), ensuring that our ground attack will keep putting up points for us.

As of Thursday, the Yahoo! Match-up has the Eunuchs up 84-83 on the People's Champ, but this supposedly low scoring affair is deceiving. Both Tom Brady and Chris Johnson have tough match-ups against the Jets and Steelers, and their projected scores of 19 and 16 reflect that, but you also have to remember that they are Tom Brady and Chris Johnson. They exceed expectations habitually. We call this duo Bear NASA because they are always tossing bears into outer space.

Throwing a bear into outer space = awesome fantasy day (except for the bear, who dies cold and alone in the vacuum of space thanks to Lou Ferrigno)

Also, Yahoo! projects Tony Romo to have a slightly better day than Tom Brady (21-19), which we're not buying, mainly out of our hatred for Dallas. But we've got one of Romo's favorite targets Jason Witten on the Renal Roster to cut into those Romo points, and word from Yahoo! is that Romo's opponents this week, the Chicago Bears, are soft against tight ends.

Hakeem Nicks threw a bear up for the Eunuchs in Week One, and while the Giants/Colts game looks to be a pass-happy affair I wouldn't count on another 25 point day from Nicks. On the People's side, however, Hines Ward could easily have another 1oo yard receiving day for 15 points, and maybe even add a touchdown as well. And Dwayne Bowe's production can only go up from Week One's single point.

Mendenhall and Turner for the Eunuchs will likely have big days, so what Week Two will come down to is the kicker and the Defense/Special Teams, and traditionally that is where Renal Failure dominates. The Eagles tend to stall in the red zone so that means more field goals for David Akers, and the Saints are playing a struggling 49ers squad. The Eunuchs have Mason Crosby of the Saints doing the kicking, and the Saints know how to punch it into the end zone on a regular basis. Plus the Pittsburgh D is not going to have its way with Vince Young, Chris Johnson, and a surging Tennessee Titans offense.

Renal Failure's in-house consultants Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy suggest that Don should pick up Ryan Grant and start him this week, as well as trade Chris for Sidney Rice and start him too. Be bold, Don. Be bold!

Neither team will likely breach the century mark in points, but they'll likely get to the 90's and the Wild Card (bitches!) likely will get to 2-0 because the trends state that when Renal Failure starts the season 1-0 they won't lose again until November.

---Renal Failure got to be the People's Champion by winning the People's Primary.


Unfinished Rambler said...

Yep, I'm a selfish bastard, what can I say? In this case, I'm glad to be...well, as of right now. Come Sunday, though....? ;) <-- At least I hope ;).

Chris C said...

I'd be down with trading Don Sydney Rice.

Come on Don pull the trigger.

On a side note it sucks that the original video you used last year got taken down. The part where the bear is ping-ponging around the stars of the Ursa (bear) constellation was a nice topping to the overall scene.