The Wild Card is in as the Wild Card, bitches!

by Renal Failure


Our Lady of Victory Ines Sainz is so powerful that she went into a nightclub restroom with Ben Roethlisberger and he was the one who came out crying, and missing his jersey too...

The People rejoice and sing the glory of Ines Sainz and her tight jeans, for they have brought forth a Fantasy Football miracle to the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. After going 2-5 to start the season, Renal Failure rattled off an impressive and inconceivable six wins in seven games to leapfrog from 9th place all the way to 3rd, claiming a spot in the HBFFL playoffs.

(Note: Yes, Joe did win 7 straight to end the season at 12-2, tying our record last season for most wins in a regular season, but he didn't win those games with even a fraction of the zazz that we did.)

Speaking of Joe, we done heard that Joe had considered benching all his starters so that LOBO would win and we wouldn't make the playoffs, but Ines Sainz appeared to him in a dream, with angels wings and tight-ass pants, and told him "Do not be that guy," and preached to him the Gospel of Herm Edwards: "You play to win the game." See, we played to win last season on Week 14 when Joe needed us to beat Canuck to get a playoff spot. Well, we didn't win, but the effort was there and we're sure Joe appreciated us trying our best and not being douchebags. Anyway, Joe's Bourbon Blasters beat LOBO's Predator Press 124-119 in a close game.

But even if Joe had gone Full Metal Douchebag and tanked the last game, it still wouldn't have mattered because Team Krapsody pulled off arguably the biggest upset in HBFFL history, beating the Bald Spots 73-58 without starting an active running back or tight end (if only Static was around to witness it). Bryan's team shit the bed at the most inopportune time, and tragically, even with the great season Bryan had this year, it cost him a playoff spot because Bald Spots lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and Renal Failure. Yes, that means that despite being the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies, Predator Press snuck into the playoffs as the four-seed (even with a fucking ridiculous 67 roster moves in 2010, 28 more than he had in 2009).

And La Machine's long shot to sneak into the playoffs fell short as they lost to the Ramblers, not that Chris would have gotten in if he had won anyway because he would have lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and your People's Champion. Still, Chris had hope (and Matt Schaub's 44 points sitting on the bench because he was riding the Eli Manning train, whom he acquired from Renal Failure, all the way to 6th place), and hope is all any Fantasy Football owner really has.

Well, enough of that... let's get to what you came here to read about: Finally... Renal Failure has come back to the playoffs! And we're squaring off against our old friend The Ramblers, who we beat in Week 9 during our epic season-changing run. The Unfinished One wants revenge for this year's loss and last year's as well, but how well can his quest for vengeance go without Frank Gore and with Aaron Rodgers fighting off yet another a concussion? Vengeance is what he wants, but disappointment may be all he'll get in Week 15.


We play to win the game so we can talk some more entertaining smack, because Fantasy Football without Renal Failure just isn't as interesting...

We'll touch briefly on our 111-65 victory over Canucklehead. Chris Johnson got back to his bear-throwing ways with 28 points vs. Indianapolis, Peyton Hillis got his mojo working again with 16 points vs. Buffalo (no TD's though), and even Jason Witten decided to get in on the action with 2 TD's and 69 yards receiving for a big old 18-point day vs. Philly. But the big story on the Renal Roster is once again Tom Brady proving that he can throw bears in any climate, putting up a big 35-point day vs. Chicago in a blizzard. Forget Michael Vick's season, Tom Brady is your MVP for dominating in all climates, hot and cold. Tom Brady could go to Venus and rack up 300+ yards in the air with three TD's on that planet of swirling methane.

But glorious victory does not mitigate our extreme disappointment in what used to be the most feared receiving duo in the league. Brandon Lloyd had another disappointing day, only getting 3 points vs. Arizona, and Dwayne Bowe once again scored nothing. Meanwhile on our bench, Hines Ward is making himself relevant again with a 16-point day vs. Cincy. Chad Ochocinco had a nice 7-point day there too. Even Sidney Rice, with Brett Favre gone, put up double than Lloyd and Bowe combined. Fellas, this is not the time for shit to go wrong. We might as well have not made the playoffs if this is how our feared weapons are going play. Rambler will blow us out of the water if we don't have our shit down tight.


We lost our sledgehammer too... it was called Dwayne Bowe scoring touchdowns habitually....

Anyway, back to Week 14, Canucklehead just didn't have enough weapons in his socialist Canadian cupboard this week. Sure, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne had nice days (32 and 15 points a piece), but that was it for What the Canuck? as Thomas Jones did marginally better than Brandon Lloyd with 4 points, as did WR Stevie Johnson. The only thing Canuck could have done to have had a better day was swap out Percy Harvin, who didn't play on Monday because of migranes, and put in Tim Hightower, whose 31 points would have made the score very uncomfortably close for Renal Failure to bear, especially if he had started Lance Moore instead of Stevie Johnson because Moore's 13 points added to Hightower's 31 would have given Canuck the victory, thus ending Renal Failure's playoff hopes.

And so we bid the 2010 regular season "adios," as they say in Ines Sainz's mother tongue, and welcome the 2010 Playoffs. The People will continue to give offerings to Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory so that the prophecy of a Renal Failure champion will come to pass. Never mind that we just declared the prophecy now, all that matter with prophecies is that they are declared before the event happens.


The power of Walken compels you...

We see that Rambler is trying to get on the Ines Sainz bandwagon. We'll have our Opening Round Playoff Game review regarding how she will smite him for his audacity later in the week. Until then, stay thirsty my friends.


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Renal Failure went 8-6 in this league, 8-6 in LOBO's league, 9-3 in a short-handed 7-team league, and 6-7 in a 14-team league in 2010. Three of those teams made the playoffs, and it's pretty obvious which one didn't.