Thursday, December 8, 2011

Week 14: Gotta Win It to Get in It

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

No "Boom! Headshot!' for Chris this week... your People's Champ was just too quick.

Renal Failure sweeps the regular season series vs. Chris with a 99-97 victory over Purple Drank. CJ2K has peaked at the right time with a huge 34-point day, complemented by LeSean McCoy's 24-point effort vs. Seattle (an effort dwarfed by Marshawn Lynch's 33pts sitting on my bench... bet all you team wish you had taken me up on my BEAST MODE trade offers now, honkeys!)

Other than that, the starting Renal Roster came up small. Tony Romo was one yard away from the 300-yard bonus (18pts), Jason Witten did not see the end zone (4pts) and neither did Brandon Lloyd (3pts) or Megatron (7pts). Houston's D hasn't been panning out like we hoped (4pts) and even Billy Fucking Cundiff disappointed (6pts). On the Renal Bench, Michael Crabtree outscored both Lloyd and Megatron (17pts). Even Carson Palmer had a better day at QB (21pts). So did the NY Jets Defense (8pts). Few things hurt a Fantasy Football owner more than leaving points on the bench.

Chris don't know the sort of pain Renal Failure knows...

Chris might have outfoxed himself out of a win this week, benching normal starter Michael Turner for Lagarrette Blount. Turner ground out 4pts, Blount only managed a singular point. Usual-starter Stevie Johnson sat on the Purple Drank bench with 11pts while Chris went with Laurent Robinson who only got 7pts. If Chris doesn't tinker with his normal lineup, he wins Week 14 against the People's Champion.

Not that Chris didn't have a good week. Rob Gronkowski rocked a 3TD 24-point day, which is absurd for tight ends. Ray Rice marched up 32-points against a tough Cleveland defense. Mike Wallace got a solid 15-points against the Bengals. Unfortunately, no one else on the Purple Drank roster had good days. On top of Blount's singular point, Andy Dalton had a weak 10-point day. Even kicker Alex Henery had a sad with only two points.

To conclude Week 13: both teams had players throwing bears into orbit, cancelling each other out. Ultimate victory came down to scores of the non-bear-throwing teammates.

Renal Failure has a simple strategy for victory, and that's why we're the HBFFL's most dangerous franchise...

The last game of the regular season sees Unfinished Person returning to give us an opportunity to avenge our Week 5 loss. Unfinished Person gets Michael Vick back, though Miami has been playing tough defense and the only Philadelphia Eagle worth a shit lately has been Renal Failure's Shady McCoy as Desean Jackson has lost interest in the season. Greg Jennings is still a danger since Aaron Rodgers throws him the rock, MJD is MJD, and DeMarco Murray has been a decent pick-up (we know because we have him in other leagues bringing us good numbers).

Too bad for Unfinished Person that Renal Failure has caught fire in the second half of the season, as usual. Along with Shady McCoy's usual top tier performance against anyone he plays, Tony Romo and Jason Witten will be in an NFC East shootout for first place vs. the Giants. Megatron will be pulling down passes all day against a Minnesota defense that let Tim Tebow run up 35 points on them. Brandon Lloyd should be all right vs. Seattle. And as always, Billy Fucking Cundiff is Billy Fucking Cundiff.

You know shit's gotten real when we invoke the power of Ines Sainz, our Lady of Tight Denim Victory. May her hotness bring us a playoff berth and another championship...

As of this posting, Yahoo! is projecting a 106-85 victory for your People's Champ. We like our odds considering this is a revenge game for Renal Failure, and no one does revenge like we do. Plus a victory clinches the final playoff spot, breaking the vicious HBFFL cycle of champions not making the playoffs the year after winning it all. UP would like to be a spoiler, but we just don't think he's b enough to do so. You need a cold heart to properly enjoy ending a team's playoff hopes, a vicious brutality that makes people look at you and slowly back away with abject horror. Are you that brutal, Unfinished Person? Maybe, considering you're starting Michael Vick.

Brutality is our speciality. Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to ruin the dreams of every person you meet...

Speaking of playoffs, here's what the playoff picture looks like in this last week of the HBFFL regular season.

Multiple Scorgams, Bald Spots, What the Canuck?, Future Ex-Cons, and Unfinished Person have been eliminated from playoff contention, but if Bald Spots beats Canuck by more than 15 points Bald Spots gets into the consolation playoffs to compete for fifth place vs. Ex-Cons, UP, and whoever misses the actual playoffs (more on that below). Canuck would get 9th place.

Predator Press and Purple Drank have clinched playoff spots. A PredPress win clinches them the first seed. A PredPress loss and a Purple Drank win ties them for first, with Purple Drank currently ahead in the Points For tiebreaker by 67 points.

Bourbon Blasters clinch with a win or with a loss and both Renal Failure and NoNames losing as well.

Renal Failure clinches with a win or with a loss coupled by a loss or tie by NoNames.

NoNames can clinch one of two ways: easy and hard. The easy way is to win their game vs. Multiple Scorgasms and for Renal Failure to lose vs. Unfinished Person. The hard way is winning vs. Multiple Scorgasms, Renal Failure winning, and Bourbon Blasters losing. That sends Bourbon Blasters and NoNames to the tie breaker where Bourbon Blasters currently have a 44-point edge in the tie-breaker.

So yeah, the postseason picture is a lot simpler this year, but no less exciting. And your People's Champion is ready to defend their title in the playoffs because that's what the People demand.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We've made the playoffs in two of the other leagues we're playing in this year, but not in the FTWL where our season had crashed and burned four weeks ago.


Chris C said...

You are welcome for giving you the win. I start Turner like I've done every other game and you lose.

You beat me earlier in the season but not this time. I beat myself.

Anthony said...

Humorous fantasy football post. Had me laughing.