Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Week 9: Renal Failure gave you a name... and then he walked away
by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure
Starting the 2nd half of the HBFFL season as only Renal Failure can...
Week 8 saw HBFFL rookie nonamedufus and his NoNames come into the People's House, expecting to keep on their winning ways. Instead they witnessed firsthand why Renal Failure is the People's Champion, the Defending Champion, the Wild Card of Fantasy Football, and the most dangerous team in the HBFFL. It's a lesson every team eventually learns, some sooner than others, some less harshly than the 124-63 beatdown handed down by the People's Champ.
Granted, Nonames was without Aaron Rodgers because of a bye week, but the margin of victory suggests he wouldn't have been much of a factor anyway. His biggest performer was the Buffalo defense, outscoring backup QB Matt Cassel 15 to 13. Everyone else in the starting lineup had single-digit days. Larry Fitzgerald got smothered by the Ravens. Hakeem Nicks left the Giants/Dolphins game with an injury, and the league's top TE Jimmy Graham had an bad day against the Rams (as did the rest of the Saints). The HBFFL's second highest-scoring team had a power outage, like many homes in the northeast after the freak October snowstorm this past weekend.
It was bad news for the top three teams of the HBFFL in Week 8...
LeSean McCoy and Megatron blew up for big bear-in-orbit points this week (36 and 25 respectively), covering up the dismal performances and CJ2K (4pts), Jason Witten (2pts), and Tony Romo (14pts). Brandon Lloyd returned to his 2010 form with a decent day against the Saints (11pts). Our choice in the Cincinnati defense paid off huge (20pts), and Billy Fucking Cundiff remains Billy Fucking Cundiff (12pts).
CJ2K continues to severely underperform, but he's CJ2K. The man knows how to throw a bear into space. He's proven it many times since the HBFFL came into being. We're not going to say he's due for a 40-point game, but he's healthy, he's young, and he's got far too much talent to wallow in the low numbers he's put up so far. This cannot last, because if it does we're going to be forced to question these so-called laws of physics and nature. A universe where DeMarco Murray is scoring more points than CJ2K is a universe gone completely tits-up bonkers. What kind of deity would allow such madness to exist?
The existence of Tim Tebow is the 2nd strongest indictment against the viability of college football as an actual sport, next to the BCS system. That Tim Tebow actually starts in the NFL is compelling evidence that either there is no God or that God is a cruel and malevolent asshole who likes fucking with people and thus is unworthy of your devotion.
Week 9 sees Predator Press return for a rematch of the 2010 HBFFL championship game. Renal Failure will be without mighty Megatron, leaving us to play Sidney Rice. Since Seattle always plays from behind there's a decent chance he'll get some good numbers. Not Megatron numbers, but decent ones nonetheless. LOBO will hope to have Darren McFadden in his lineup to complement the healthy Arian Foster for the monstrous one-two RB punch Renal Failure wanted to have with Shady McCoy and CJ2K. Tony Romo has a better match up than Ben Roethlisberger, but in the end it may come down to a battle of tight ends, Jason Witten vs. Jermichael Finley. And if they tie, then we're winning with Billy Fucking Cundiff.
As of Wednesday, Yahoo! projects a 98-95 victory for LOBO, and that doesn't bode well for your People's Champion. Only once this season has Renal Failure been projected to lose, and they did so against Unfinished Rambler or Person or whatever he's going with these days. But if Renal Failure wants to defy the ghosts of HBFFL past dictating that the previous year's champion misses the playoffs, they'll have to break some trends. But that's why they call us The Wild Card (bitches!), because anything is possible when Renal Failure steps onto the field of battle.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. When life gets you down, take pride that you are not Tim Tebow. Or Philip Rivers. Or Michael Vick's pet bird. It helps put things in perspective, and makes you put down that straight razor.