This past weekend I defeated Don's Eunuchs 110-72, but it was a Pyrrhic victory in a way as the more important news for my team for the weekend was the loss of the second part of my one-two punch at running back:
While I shouldn't speak too quickly --but I will, because that's the way I roll-- at least, for now, I have the one part of that punch at running back:
Beaming a natural confidence and authority, there is still a sense of earnest urgency as I issue the unfiltered truth.
Pounding my fists on piles of pie charts, dizzying graphs and bottomless Excel spreadsheets, I draw little diagrams on chalkboards and television screens explaining in excruciating detail what you did wrong in crude Xs and Os.
And leaving as suddenly as I came, you will look at each other and wonder, “Who the hell was that guy?" and "What was he talking about?" and "Why is he at our wedding ... ?”
Scientists still do not have any definitive evidence to determine which is easier: Pimpin' or fantasy football.
Usually we have our preview done on Friday, but this was one of the rare occasions that we had players on a Thursday night game. And because the People Champion likes to give thanks to Captain Morgan rum on that particular Thursday in November, we didn't get a chance to type up a preview of the People's quest for the fantasy playoffs.
And so with three rum and cokes in us, we watched the early game between the Patriots and Lions and witness Tom Brady deliver us the finest Bearducken - which for the uneducated masses out there is a Bear with a duck stuffed up its ass that has a chicken stuffed up its ass - and then throw it halfway to the Dagobah system with a 46-point performance, much to the dismay of Bryan of the Bald Spots who couldn't enjoy Calvin "Megatron" Johnson's big 15-point day on the Lions end.
Our Thanksgiving wasn't this dignified...
So going into Sunday's game, Renal Failure holds a 52-15 edge over Bald Spots (Brandon Pettigrew got himself 6 points for the People on Thursday too), but the game's far from over. Bryan still has Philip Rivers waiting to throw a bear into orbit himself vs. Indianapolis, though we don't think it will be the sort of bear with other animals shoved up its ass. And with the way Brett Favre's been playing I wouldn't be surprised to see the Vikings hand the ball to Adrian Petersen all day. Pierre Garcon could be a problem, but Peyton Manning's been slinging the ball to everyone on that team so Garcon may not get many chances to hurt us.
But Renal Failure still have the vaunted 1-2 punch of Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis waiting to bolster the People's lead, along with the hottest WR combo in fantasy football Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd, especially after T.O. got shut down by the Jets in the late Thanksgiving game (sorry Chris). And Matt Bryant and the Cleveland Defense have some pretty good projected matchups that the People feel pretty good about, which will give us some much needed points should a wild card spot come down to a Points For tiebreaker.
Ines Sainz waits patiently for the Renal Failure victory that she has decreed.
If the People hold on to their 37-point lead, they'll enter into a tie for third with Bald Spots at 7-5 along with either one or two of these three teams: La Machine, What the Canuck? and Predator Press. La Machine and Predator Press are playing each other so one of them is going to fall to 6-6 unless they maintain their current tied score, and What the Canuck? has to make up a 43-point deficit against the first place 9-2 Bourbon Blasters to keep pace (and we're hoping for a Bourbon Blasters loss so that Joe can't tie our record for most wins in a season, that being 12).
So until next week... stay thirsty for the playoffs, my friend.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure has a little Captain in them, except on Thanksgiving when he has a lot of Captain in them. This is why Renal Failure wakes up on the front lawn on Black Friday.
It still hurts a eunuch when you snap them where their balls used to be...
Renal Failure scored a big 123-67 victory over the Eunuchs in Week 11, avenging our previous loss this season to Don and keeping us in the hunt for the playoffs. And though Don would have been better off starting Matt Ryan over injured Tony Romo, it wouldn't have made a difference because the People's Champion treated the People to a dominant fantasy performance this week, where 6 out of the 8 starters hit double-digit points (but you still exceeded your projected total Brandon Pettigrew, so we're still cool. The Saints D, however...).
Sure, Tom Brady only met his projected score of 21 points and Chris Johnson severely underperformed the highly-optimistic 28-point projection he was slated to have against the Washington Redskins with a modest 18-point day, but that slack was made up by Peyton Hillis (19pts) Dwayne Bowe (27pts), and Brandon Lloyd (13pts). Even kicker Matt Bryant had a nice 14-point day for the People, displaying why one reason Renal Failure is known as The Wild Card (bitches!): points from unlikely sources.
Your 2nd-highest scoring kicker in the HBFFL this season... and he's probably really good at kicking people in the balls too.
The People continued to be highly confused by Buffalo Bills RB Fred Jackson's awesome point production on our bench considering he hadn't done a damn thing all season. But after a 29-point Week 11 and a 33-point Week 10, we can only lament that he didn't start throwing bears into orbit before the trade deadline because unless Chris Johnson or Peyton Hillis get injured he's never going to see the starting lineup for our roster. Yes, Renal Failure is bold, but not bold enough to bench either Johnson or Hillis at this critical stage of the season when a playoff spot is oh-so-close.
In other Renal bench news, Chad Ochocinco snagged a touchdown in his second straight game while snagging 8 points vs. Buffalo, Tampa Bay's Mike Williams had a nice 11-point day to go along with his arrest for suspicion of driving under the influence, and backup QB Sam Bradford outscored Tom Brady with a 24-point day vs. Atlanta. So in essence we could have started our bench against Don and still would have won, but that's an easy task when your opponent doesn't swap out their injured QB.
Our Lady of Victory and Tight Denim Ines Sainz looks favorably upon Renal Failure's devotion, and thus has granted us yet another glorious triumph.
The People are now 6-5 and riding a four-game winning streak into a four-way tie for that last playoff spot alongside La Machine, What the Canuck? and Predator Press (and we've got the tie-breaker edge in points). There's no room for error anymore, especially with our next game: a Week 12 Revenge Match against the 7-4 Bald Spots. Regular readers here will remember that in Week Three Bald Spots Bryan had four players on his roster throw bears into deep orbit, probably to get back at us for surviving Tom Brady's 60-point game vs. Tennessee and beating him in '09. We'll have a preview of what is sure to be a high-scoring match-up later this week.
Three more wins to go.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure is working on a cervix kick to use on women so that they may know a man's pain when it comes to getting a boot to the crotch.
It's hard to write about a game where your opponent doesn't show up as this past weekend I won 119-53 over Static's Team Krapsody who had three players who didn't show up (two were out of the game and one just wasn't "in the game"). It doesn't make a great target.
photo by cliff1066™ on Flickr
Personally, I like a moving target.
Or then again (shuddering at Milli Vanilli's cousin here) maybe not.
Unfortunately, next week I don't get a moving target either as The Ramblers face The Eunuchs, who still have Tony Romo at QB. The last two weeks of the regular season, though, I face Bald Spots and La Machine. At least, they ought to make it interesting.
