Still smarting from the asswhipping Renal Failure aka "The People's Champion" delivered upon our beloved Preds in Week 5, I am driven to only one conclusion: "The People" are just plain dumb as a box of hammers. But our league commissioner, doubtlessly feeling the pressure of mass public outcry by now, will have stepped down by Week 14 ... and that is when Renal Failure and "The People" will receive the swift, lethal payback of my all-kicker team. And hopefully Ebola.
McMananicus will have little time to recover from some minor cybernetic tweaks and mandatory performance-enhancing, eh, "herbal suppliments."
Leading the charge to find Renal Failure's ass -and follow the subsequent orders to kick it- will be Brandon McMananicus, who will be flexing his mighty big toe of glory on Bald Spots' slippery scalp in Week 6.
Once we work out some hydraulic issues and figure out how Brandon McMananicus can carry fifty three more laser pointers, we, the Preds, are a mere two oil changes from this year's HBFFL Championship.
Once, at tryouts, Kurt Cousins fired a touchdown pass square into my belly. Despite fumbling bravely, I immediately went to the hospital. I hate Kurt Cousins. Why does he have to throw so hard?
PS: Does anyone know where I can get anthrax? And postage stamps and envelopes? And everyone in this league's addresses? And the instructions for this HAZMAT suit?
Dear People's Champion of Fantasy Football Renal Failure,
Please accept our apologize for Demaryius Thomas not scoring for shit in his first games of the season. To make up for this, he will score ALL THE POINTS in Week Five for you. Sorry for the miscommunication.
Signed,
Peyton Manning.
P.S. - Please buy a Papa John's Pizza.
When you get 41 points from your WR, things are usually going swimmingly for you. And that indeed was the case in Week 5 as Renal Failure scored a ultra-sweet 129-71 victory over Predator Press. Why "ultra-sweet?" Because Renal Failure hadn't beaten Predator Press since the 2010 Humor Bowl. Three full years of losses to Predator Press - regular season and playoffs. No more of that noise. REGULATORS, MOUNT UP!!!
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese... and Marshawn Lynch crushing people to be the 2nd highest scoring RB in the league...
There were other bright spots for the People other than Demaryius Thomas's 41-point Bear Leaving the Solar System. Beast Mode went for 17 points. Jeremy Maclin continues catching TD's (13pts), and the San Diego D blanked the Jets for a 16-point day. Cody Parkey told LOBO's Mason Crosby to know his role and shut his mouth with a 10-point day (he's the #2 scoring kicker in the HBFFL). Drew Brees managed 25 points, as did Jay Cutler, so that makes us feel a little better about Brees being on a bye in Week Six.
Cody Parkey drinks your milkshake, LOBO
Unfortunately there were underachievers in the lineup. Alfred Morris and Bishop Sankey only managed 2pts a piece, which greatly disappointed us because we thought this was finally Sankey's time to shine in the Titan's backfield. Morris was running against the Seahawks so we're more charitable with him. Zach Ertz is not living up to the TE of the future label we gave him so he's going to take a backseat to Jason Witten, especially now that Dallas has figured out how to play football again.
LOBO can take solace that nothing he would have done in Week Five would have mattered, but Yahoo! gave him a D-grade in the recap. And he's not in good shape going forward with Jimmy Graham's bum shoulder and Rashard Jennings getting banged up vs Atlanta. At least you've got last place Bald Spots to kick around this week.
We consulted the Torah for our Week Six lineup, but all we got was a recipe for Gifilte Fish...
This is one of the rare seasons that our Week Six opponent Bourbon Blaster do not have Drew Brees in their lineup. Unfortunately we don't have him in our lineup either for Week Six because of the Saints bye week. But Jay Cutler's been putting up Brees-like numbers so we're okay there. The problem comes in the form of some former members of the Renal Roster. We traded Brian Quick for Chris Ivory (who we parlayed for Brees) and Quick has proven to be a golden WR in garbage time for the Rams. Also we had released Ben Tate when he was injured and the Blasters snatched him up when he got healthy, and he's showing to be the main RB we thought he'd be when we originally drafted him.
Joe went to the waiver wire to get Andre Williams with Rashard Jennings down and the Giants playing the Eagles this week (who while having the highest scoring DEF/Special Teams in the HBFFL also give up an obscene amount of yards and points to the opposition). Frank Gore's running on the hapless Rams so that looks problematic for the People. Percy Harvin kept having touchdowns called back this past Monday so he should get the chance to wild against the Cowboys.
41 points later, he's the 8th ranked WR in the league
Despite all that, Yahoo! is giving the early edge to Renal Failure. Demaryius Thomas should have another big day, this time vs. the Jets. Fred Jackson is starting to catch fire and is playing a weak Patriots squad. Maclin's going to get his, as usual, and especially in a game against a divisional rival. And Beast Mode is Beast Mode.
Winning this week would not only give us the pleasure of extending the Blasters' losing streak to four games, it would help us begin to break away from the logjam of six 2-3 teams. Renal Failure's currently atop this morass in fourth because we've got more 6 more points than the Blasters. We'll see whether Week Six marks the point where we rise up toward the playoffs or sink deeper into the uncertain muck.
Renal Failure is the People's Champion and Wild Card (bitches!) of Fantasy Football. We also beat LOBO in the FTWL but not as savagely. We're also playing the Blasters in the FTWL, but Yahoo! likes their chances of winning way more there, but that's mainly because Peyton Manning is projected to put up 33 points vs. the Jets, which is somewhat reasonable.
Yes "Chris" -if in fact that is your real name- your cavalier Commissionations costed me Week 5.
Were I not hampered by your oppressive adjudicationing, I could have won last week. But nay! You have micromanagicked this league to the point that this entire season is questionable now, and I declare it utterly bereft of sportsmanshipitude.
If not for your tyrannicalized reign of unjust "rules" and whatever, I would have deployed the following lineup:
QB - Phi DEF, 24 points
WR - GB DEF, 21 points
WR - Car DEF, 19 points
RB - Stephen Gostkowski NE K, 19 points
RB - Phil Dawson SF K, 18 points
TE - SD DEF, 16 points
W/R - NE DEF, 15 points
DEF - whoever was playing Tony Romo (points probably still being calculatronned)
That is like 500 points. Chris, the evidence of your meddlutions in my season is clear to us all. I will file numerous "Torts" and "Motions" to declare this entire season corruptified, and unfit for human consumption.
I am trying to imagine KHAN, the manager of the Future Ex-Cons, on Tuesday morning. After a full day of torturing starving orphan kids -with impractical knowledge utterly devoid of shoplifting and insurance scams- he retires to the teacher's lounge for his powdered wig and bonbons.
The television on, he prepares to drink in his victory. Four points behind Predator Press, he had the only player left Monday might: Stephen Gostkowski. Some French guy.
And it is only then that he smells Mason Crosby's stinky golden toe of my victory. Sure, some of those other guys on my team scored too, but, as any good fantasy football manager will tell you, seasons are won by drafting lots and lots of kickers and defenses early and often. Just ask Billy Cundiff about what happened the week Nate Kaeding, Mason Crosby, and the entire Cleveland Browns defense stuffed him in his locker and wrote "WARNING! COOTIES!" all over it. I bet that poor bastard is still in therapy.
So I ask you "Renal Failure," if in fact that is your real name:
My quest to get to 2-2, foiled by bye-week treachery... DREAMCRUSHERS! YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!
Your People's Champion Renal Failure had a bad Week 4. We knew we had Marshawn Lynch and Demaryius Thomas on bye weeks, but what we didn't know is that everyone else on our team would take a bye week too. Not that it would have mattered because the Dreamcrushers! jumped on us, putting up 122 points to our meager 74.
Jeremy Maclin came back down to earth with 5pts. Michael Crabtree barely managed 4pts. Our decision to go Fred Jackson/CJ Spiller instead of Chris Ivory/Sammy Watkins wasn't that bad. The Bills RB's put up 16 together, Ivory/Watkins 18. We said no more Tom Brady and were rewarded sby Jay Cutler scoring 18 to Brady's anemic 8. Alfred Morris's 14 points and the San Diego's DEF's 11pts were the only bright spots (even Cody Parkey took the week off with 3pts).
Andrew Luck and Matt Forte threw bears into space (38 and 28 points respectively). Keenan Allen's 18 and Kevlin Benjamin's 13 iced the day though Chris admittedly fucked up by not starting Steve Smith Sr. who had a absoludicrous 32 points against Carolina. Good thing he was playing a team that had the scoring equivalent of mono this week (Yahoo! gave us a C- for the week, another pat on the head for not having a chance because even our bench sucked).
When you're 1-3, you gotta be ready to blow shit up...
Rust never sleeps, and Renal Failure is always looking to make moves. No one wheels and deals like the People's Champ. Last week we traded for Chris Ivory. Didn't play him, but that's okay because we packaged him with Sammy Watkins and Tom Brady in a deal to Troi and his 1-3 Future Ex-Cons for Drew Brees, Carlos Hyde, and Larry Fitzgerald. Cutler's been putting up good numbers, but Drew Brees is a sure thing week in and week out. He's going to get his points even when he's losing.
So now look at Renal Failure: Starting blue chip QB who will throw all day long. Beast Mode at RB, ready to dominate any week. Alfred Morris at the other RB spot, the only dependable aspect of the 'Skins offense. Demaryius Thomas and Jeremy Maclin at WR - the main receivers in pass-happy offenses. What fantasy owner wouldn't love a core group like that?
How the rest of the league sees Renal Failure's trading strategy...
Oh, and did we mention we still have C.J. Spiller AND Fred Jackson for RB depth and FLEX options, not to mention we picked up Bishop Sankey at a time where the Titans are actually going to run him more seeing how he's the only one on the team with talent? Hell, even Jason Witten's starting to pick up his game just in case Zach Ertz somehow does not live up to his TE Of The Future billing. And when Frank Gore and Doug Martin go down with injuries (because they've done it before) we've got Bobby Rainey and Carlos Hyde on standby, ready to play or ready to deal.
So going into Week 5 vs. Predator Press, we're liking our odds a bit more than usual. We have reloaded and restocked, no one's on a bye, and 1-3 is the kind of desperate situation that historically has seen Renal Failure rally. And though Yahoo! sees the matchup as a slight advantage to the People's Champ over LOBO's Predator Press, you can feel it in the air that Renal Failure's going to get business done in a big way.
Everyone does the air drums to this...
We'll see whether The People are on back on track or we've blown up our season. Gotta love the desperation that comes after the four game mark to salvage or maintain a fantasy season. The waiver wire Hail Mary's. The Machiavellian trades. The clinging to hope that long-shots pay off and everyone else stays healthy. We're going for broke, baby! Or at least that fourth-seed.
Renal Failure is the People's Champ of the HBFFL and the FTWL. We got housed just as bad in the FTWL in Week Four too so apparently we don't win when Marshawn Lynch doesn't play. But Beast Mode is back and we're playing LOBO in the FTWL too, and Yahoo! likes his chances even less there.
