Friday, October 5, 2012

The Virtues of Nate Kaeding

Predator Press


Little is known about Nathaniel James Kaeding previous to his adoption by the hard-working Norwegians that found him naked save for swaddling, floating down river in a grog cask.  But Kaeding's new loving parents -having left from some perfectly good country on numerous maps to "pursue the American Dream"- were brutally slain by a rouge group of wandering Amish in effort to rescue the boy within moments of arriving on American soil.

"Kaeding" is Amish for Him kick ball better than Billy Cundiff. "Nate" is derived from something probably important in Amish history as well. "James" is, well, James. James doesn't mean anything significant -it is widely believed Kaeding got branded with the plain old defunct "James" as a consequence of being found naked save for swaddling, floating down river in a grog cask by immigrant Norwegians.   Charges were never filed against Kaeding who was twenty three years old at the time.  Still, dogged by Billy Cundiff's Wikipedia updates, "James" was a scarlet shame that would haunt Kaeding his entire life.

"He kicked the shit out of everything," the Amish recalled in a recent interview. "Dishes, butter churns, pets ... that little son of a bitch was a real asshole, and we wanted him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law." In 2005, now a wanted fugitive, Kaeding was recruited by Rodger Goodell. Goodell, the inventor of football, apparently had a lot of shit he needed kicked, and Kaeding was given, like, a million dollars the Amish could sue him for.

Things went pretty smoothly until 2012 when Kaeding received a season-ending injury, effectively derailing a long-negotiated trade between Predator Press and nonamedufus for Aaron Rodgers.  But despite the injury Kaeding played, and he got so many points the nonames record would have changed to 4-0-0 going into Week Five.  [Renal Failure documented the kicker's incredible Week Four heroics here.  As of October 5, 2012, Billy Cundiff has not as of yet been charged.]

"We're not giving up hope on nonamedufus," commented one Predator Press manager on condition of anonymity. "We can't just let Kaeding waste away at home making unflattering edits on the Amish Wikipedia page.  He is an athlete by definition. Even on crutches, Kaeding will go to nonames games to mooch free Gatorade cheer on the team with his infectious spirit," I explain.  "The positive net effect on morale is like a dragon breathing fire on your opponents -with the tenacity and speed of a lion on a shark's back.  Yes.  When is the last time you saw Aaron Rogers resemble anything like a Dragoliark? And more importantly, when's the last time you saw him split the uprights?"

Still, Predator Press remains optimistic.  "It's not too late for nonamedufus to come to his senses, claim Kaeding from waivers, and give us Aaron Rodgers," I continue in this anonymous interview.  "But he's Canadian. It's really hard to talk sense into those people sometimes. That's why they have free medical care."

1 comment:

nonamedufus said...

Man you don't give up easily, do you?