Sunday, October 21, 2012

Purple Drank Takes Win Streak To Canada

I am here in Ontario, ready to play through the Canadian part of my schedule. This week it's nonames. Next week it's What The Canuck?.

I arrived last night, and in an effort to emerse myself in the culture of Canada I sat at a bar and played the Eh Drinking Game. I was drunk in like an hour and then I don't remember much after that. But I did wake up with a scar right where my kidney is. Maybe I hurt myself and some nice Canadians gave me first aid.

Talk about luck.

Just another day in the Purple Drank's magical season where it rains horeshoes and rabbit's feet, and wins defy logic.

Like last week, when I beat Future Ex-Cons 76-75. My 36-point lead going into the MNF game was erased by Peyton Manning and Demaryius Thomas. If it weren't for the fact I had Denver's kicker going I would have lost by four.

Hell, even the weekly Yahoo recap acknowledged my fortuitous ways. "With only 3 of their 8 starters beating their projected points, Purple Drank was still able to win."

Dep Lepard says lady luck never smiles but I disagree. She smiles on Purple Drank.

This week matchup will be no different, just colder. It's already snowing here in Canada and they've declared Martial Law. Strange country. Is it always like this?

But I digress...

So nomames will come at me this week with his three headed fantasy monster of Rodgers, Cruz, and A.J. Green and a bunch of bye week filler types. I ain't scared.

I got Dalton to go with his Green. Got CJ2K vs a Bills defense that isn't good against the run. I got Welkahhh. Got Wallace in prime time. And Beast Mode already kicked in 16 points from the TNF game.

All that's left now is this week's secret weapon.

Originally, it was going to be a nuclear missile designed to blow up all of Canada. But then I thought wait a minute I'm in Canada. So I'll die too. And with myself, nonames, and Canuck all dead I'm not sure what that means as far as rules go. Do I get the win this week or does nonames? Do I make sure to detonate it when I have the lead? Does Canuck win his matchup?

Too many questions. And a bit of overkill for a regular season game. Nukes are probably better off used for a fantasy playoff matchup.

So pumping the brakes, I have decided on something creepy instead, more fitting with the Halloween season...

Winona Ryder's eyes.

That is a freaky stare, and once nonames' fantasy players see that they will be too scared to produce enough points to beat Purple Drank.

That can only mean one thing for nonames...

Bad news!

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