I Know You’re All Thinking It

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’m absolutely convinced the sports talking heads are full of bullshit now.

And it’s easy for them to do. If they start to slip, all they do is make up a name to throw us off.

It goes like this:

Q: “So do you think Jay Cutler’s recent concussion will effect this season’s expectations for the Bears?”

A: “Well it all depends Doug. But Jay Cutler has bruised his brain. Him being out far a few weeks can be expected. And hey, it‘s the Bears. Nobody is going to no … eh … know how difficult a road Jay Cutler has ahead of him. Remember what happened to Flandsa Ha’asasanba.”

Flandsa Ha’asasanba?

And nobody calls bullshit on it either.

“Oh, yes.” Doug agrees. “Ha’asasanba. Tragic story.”

Anyway. The whole reason to have a blog -besides the free exchange of ideas on how Superman could be killed- is Brett Favre. And this blog does not disappoint!

Forget that Brett Favre is a [perhaps overly] seasoned vetran.

Disregard the Randy Moss acquisition.

But think Jenn Sterger.

My team has embraced the likes of Vick, Roethlis, Portis, Edwards ... and as the 'talent scout' of this cadre of elite malignance, I submit that Favre would be a fine addition to Team Douchebag. Forget waivers … he’s been married 14 years! I should get him by default.

But with the afore-mentioned Roethlisberger and Vick in my chamber, I’m up to my eyeballs in disloyal quarterback smarm. All they do is sit around the kitchen all day and fuck with Chad Henne. Poor ol Chad will be microwaving his burito and pow, he's spitballed in the neck from behind. If it wasn’t so funny, I would probably go ahead and dump Henne and his plush, burrito-riddled late-season schedule for Favre.  Henne farts a lot.  And Favre might be a good influence on Roethlis and Vick in a fatherly sort of way.

But if not, who would they fuck with then?

LaMachine and Cigar Guy Bring the Pain

LaMachine has found some new secret weapons for 2010. This week it was Cigar Guy, the viral sensation from the photo of Tiger Woods hitting the ball into the camera...

...who helped me on my road to victory against Renal Failure.

I'm not sure how Cigar Guy beating him in a boxing match was relevant to the outcome but I'll take the win against the People's Champ for the third time in a row.

The best part is the debate over who I should have started and sat is meaningless. I won.

Neener Neener Neener.

[Cigar Guy boxing picture courtesy of Tauntr.com]

At least we remembered to start an active quarterback...

by Renal Failure


We have problems with anger, and with our team not scoring points...

Last season, your People's Champion set the HBFFL record for points scored in a 14-game regular season with 1481, about 105 points a game. In 2010, Renal Failure is second-to-last with 290 points in 4 games (72 points a game), just 35 points ahead of Bex's Battling Butterflies (though it would only be a three-point deficit if she had remembered to start Chad Henne at QB this week instead of bye-week Brett Favre. But at least it didn't cost her the game as it did with Don forgetting to bench bye-week Tony Romo and Kellen Winslow for Matt Ryan and Zach Miller. You got a freebie win there, Static.)

With our 81-48 loss to La Machine, long-waited vengeance was not had and the People's Champion is left to wonder what the hell is going on with their once-feared franchise. Our backup QB Sam Bradford scored twice as many points as Founder of Bear NASA Tom Brady this week (26-13), First overall pick in the draft Chris Johnson churned out a paltry 6 points vs. Denver, and Hines Ward grabbed a solitary point vs. the Ravens. Only Mark Clayton (7pts) and recently acquired Marcedes Lewis (8pts) made any sort of dent on the scoreboard. The fact that we lost by so much mitigates the regret of leaving Brandon Lloyd and his 16 points on the bench for emergency acquisition Tim Hightower's big 2 point day because Pierre Thomas was suddenly inactive for his game against Carolina (another RB on our team injured? You don't say!), and we didn't trust that Clinton Portis would do well against the Eagles (5pts, bad but still better than Hightower).


Let's see... 1-3 record, second-least points scored, most points scored against... yeah, I think I has a pretty big fucking sad.

Our only solace from Week 4 is that we pulled a Jedi mind trick on Chris with our preview from last week. We got Chris to doubt starting Terrell Owens against us with our suggestion that perhaps Braylon Edwards would do better, but since Chris knows that Renal Failure is the goddamn devil, he hedged his bet by not taking our advice of benching the ailing Ray Rice for Peyton Hillis. Owens threw a bear into space with 33 points to Edwards' 14, and Hillis put up an impressive 21 points to Rice's 2. The lesson learned? Don't be meek and hedge your bets.

And Renal Failure learned that lesson for themselves as well. See, we were going to start Brandon Lloyd for Week 4 after hearing that Pierre Thomas was out, but then panicked and picked up Hightower minutes before kick-off. We second-guessed our first instinct. Well no more of that. Renal Failure declares from this moment on to eschew such timidity in our roster choices. If we are to lose, then we shall lose boldly! When the People's Champion acts, it will be with firm conviction and no regrets, because as one of my favorite blogs Fafblog! once wrote: "Being right is not a plan! Being wrong with resolve is a plan!" And if we are to be wrong this season, we're going to do it with resolve.


Removes even the toughest stains on your soul... but not your Fantasy season.

So the new bolder Renal Failure (with 50% more "Wild Card, bitches!" in every bottle) marches into Week 5 against What the Canuck?, better known as the only other team to defeat the People's Champion in 2009. But since we housed Canucklehead in the playoffs that year to avenge that Week 14 loss this is more a revenge game for him. We'll have our review of this pivotal matchup that could either keep the People's season alive or bury it for good later in the week. But either way, it will be bold!


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure listened to Butt Trumpet and Dead Kennedys all through high school. It probably explains a lot.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where simple math equates to a win

Basically my 105-57 win this week over Bryan's Bald Spots was simple math.

photo courtesy of Chad Davis on Flickr

PLUS

MINUS

photo courtesy of xoque on Flickr

EQUALS

Or Rodger's 29 + Foster's 35 = More than all the fantasy points put together by Bald Spots' entire roster with ADP on a bye week. When we face each other in Week 13, ADP will be back and is projected by Yahoo! to put up 27 points against Buffalo. I'm thinking the result might be the same, but with a different team owner writing this post, and I'll be the one singing this song:

Gary Fucking Kubiak

Photo courtesy of Brit via Flickr

Yep, today this man has made my life a living hell by not allowing his quarterback Matt Schaub feed the ball to MY running back, Arian Foster. Instead Schaub gave it to NOBODY'S Derrick Fucking Ward, who scored a touchdown for the Texans.

After the first half, MY man Arian Foster has 1 measly fantasy point.

Author's Note: Around the time I was scheduling this post, Foster did receive his first carry of the day -- in the second half and did score a touchdown. I might tone it back to Gary Freaking Kubiak at this point and say he's at least made my life a living heck.

Addendum: As of early in the fourth quarter, Foster has 102 rushing yards, 1 rushing touchdown, 3 receptions for 56 yards and a receiving touchdown...for a whopping 32 fantasy points thus far. Thank you, Gary My Main Fucking Man, I Love You Kubiak.