"Hello, Mister Goodell? Goddamn it that bitch keeps sending me to voicemail. Sir, I realize this is a bad time with the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situation and all, but I really need Aaron Hernandez to be activated this week to defeat the scourge known as Joe Ohlstein. No, not the cool Joel Osteen, but the godless Joe Ohlstein that dresses like a woman in pagan ceremonies to win fantasy championships. I think activating Aaron Hernandez can repair your perceived lack of commitment to football. [*clinky*] Hey man, I just found seventy-five cents in this payphone -now I can call you back later this morning if I need to! Anyways, about that 'Redskins' controversy ... would it kill you to spot Kirk Cousins three hundred yards and two touchdowns and settle the whole thing? And hey ... why don't any players in the NFL know karate? I think the NKFL would be a-"