Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Wild Card Drafteth...
The Renal Failure draft day war room...
The 2010 Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Auto-Draft has been completed, and the People's Champion known as Renal Failure could not be more pleased with the results for their squad, for a number of reasons.
First, Renal Failure won the Auto-Draft lottery and was granted the Number One pick, a scenario we never even bothered mock drafting for because we are eternal pessimists. We had a 10 percent chance of getting that first pick, and a 90 percent chance of not getting it, so we planned on not getting it. But the thing about pessimism is that when your dreary scenario doesn't come true, you are pleasantly surprised. And having Chris Johnson back on our roster is a very pleasant surprise.
(Oh, you don't remember that it was Renal Failure back in '08 who picked up Chris Johnson as a rookie free agent and watched him salvage our dreary 1-4 start into a respectable 8-6 finish? Yeah, we're like fantasy football hipsters, we were so about Chris Johnson before anyone else was.)
Second, in keeping with the Renal Failure tradition of drafting players the year after they had wounded us so deeply, (for example, the Dallas Clark incident of '08 led us to draft him in '09) we picked up Tom Brady in the second round. Readers of this blog and Fantasy Footballers in general will remember Mr. Brady's insane game last year against Buffalo (ed. correction: Chris reminds us that it was Tennessee, but in our meager defense Buffalo sounded so much more feasible) where he put up 60 fantasy points. That performance was the catalyst for our invention of the Fantasy Football term "Throw a bear into outer space," meaning to have an insanely-productive fantasy day. Now Renal Failure somehow survived Tom Brady's bear-chucking day to win that week, but we never looked at the world the same way after that. Now Brady the bear-chucker is in the employ of the People's Champion, guaranteed not harm us like that again, at least not this season.
Grizzly Man, you will be avenged...
Third, Hines Ward is back on our team for the third straight year. I don't know how he does it. Somehow he just ends up in our lineup. That's fine with us, he was our highest scoring WR last year (13th in WR in the league), though we're not sure who's going to be throwing to him until the NFL is sure Ben Roethlisberger won't trap women in a bathroom with himself.
Fourth, our lineup is buttressed with quality players like RB Ryan Grant (9th in RB scoring in '09), WR Dwayne Bowe (looking to bounce back strong after a four-game suspension in '09), and TE Jason Witten (5th in TE scoring in '09). And while we don't have Kicking MVP Nate Kaeding this year, we did get the 2nd highest scoring kicker of '09 and the '08 kicking scoring leader David Akers back into our lineup. And if Kevin Kolb falters in Philly, Akers is going to get a lot of work.
Mourn not your kickers... because that's just dumb.
Fifth, our bench looks pretty deep. Clinton Portis and Pierre Thomas can cover for CJohnson and Grant during their bye weeks at RB. Braylon Edwards is the big name receiver for the Jets. Heath Miller is a quality TE. Eli Manning returns to the People's Bench for another season of backup quarterbacking. Julian Edelman made it onto the team as an insurance policy against Wes Welker's health in New England. Our DEF/ST are strong with Baltimore and New Orleans. And finally K Phil Dawson will likely be the only source of offense the Cleveland Browns have this year.
Sixth, with 161st pick of the draft, Renal Failure selects... PEPE SILVIA! Our thanks to Barney for tipping us off to the ultra-secret 17th round of the auto-draft that no one else knew about, not even Carol in HR. Yeah, that's right... the man does not exist, but we've got him anyway. How did we do it? WILD CARD, BITCHES!
So how did the other teams do in the draft? We don't know, let them tell you themselves. Why would you expect us to tell you about everyone, like we're some sort of gossipy church socialite? That's not who Renal Failure is. We're The People's Champion, The Wild Card (Bitches!), the Duke of New York, the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler, the Great One, and the Nobel Laureate of the HBFFL. And remember, no one circles the wagons like Renal Failure.
2010 is on. Wear a cup. Even if you're a woman, 'cause Renal Failure is the innovator of the cervix kick.
---Renal Failure is taking America's honor, then restoring it, and then taking it again because fresh honor is the tastiest...