Fantasy Football Handcuffs

Usually when handcuffs and NFL players are in the same sentence it means someone got arrested.

In fantasy football of course, it means drafting the backup to your #1 running back or quarterback. This way if your star guy goes down with an injury or gets incarcerated you will have their replacement.

Somehow along the way this became good advice, and I do not know why. It is bad draft strategy on so many levels.

Look at Adrian Peterson for example. His backup, depending on what reports someone goes by is either Albert Young or Troy Gerhart. Not only is there a severe drop off in production, but there is uncertainty over who the replacement would actually be. Minnesota might even go with a running back-by-committee if All Day was out.

Granted, there is nothing wrong with taking the backup deep in a draft. The problem is the handcuff tactic usually makes an owner over-reach and pick them too early, thinking other teams are planning to do the same thing. 

Draft above the level of a player's value and a team is gonna have a bad time, like Ike in South Park...



And then what if the star running back or QB stays healthy all season? You've handcuffed yourself with one less roster spot. 

Pick depth at running back and a serviceable backup QB and you will avoid falling into the trap of fantasy football myths like the handcuff theory.

Tuesday Morning QB: Auto-draft SUCKS, my team, though, only semi-sucks

Today begins another round of Tuesday Morning QB posts where I look back at the week and second-guess myself, and sometimes, if I'm feeling especially snarky, second-guess the other managers here at HBFFL.

The main second-guessing I have here this week, folks, is auto-drafting.

For those of you not familiar with the term, it’s where the computer picks the players on your team instead of doing an actual draft yourself.

To summarize, in two words, IT SUCKS.

I edited the rankings Yahoo gave us for the players for about the top 30 here at HBFFL and I really think it screwed up my team, with a few exceptions. With another league in which I’m participating, I only fooled around with the top five or so with the rankings and I ended up with a better team than I did here. I really don’t think editing rankings makes that much of a difference. At least, it didn’t for me.

Anyway, here are the players and defenses I ended up with for HBFFL from that draft:

QB Aaron Rodgers: Do I need to say more? Really?

WR Marques Colston: Eh. I could have done worse.

WR Steve Breaston: Okay, I did worse.

RB Frank Gore: Since I pushed him toward the top of my rankings, I’m happy with this pick. As soon as I saw Glen Coffee gave up football for Jesus, I thought to myself with emphasis on the first word, “Hell, yeah. Gotta get me some Frank Gore this year on my roster.”

RB Arian Foster: I also moved him up toward the top of my rankings, because of Brad Evans on Yahoo! Sports telling me I should. I hope you’re not wrong, Brad.

RB Beanie Wells: Not again. I had this dude last year, ditched him, then brought him back and wished I hadn’t because between him and Hightower, I couldn’t decide who to play. Argh. At least, I didn’t handcuff him with Hightower, then it would be hell again.

TE Brent Celek: Not bad. I’ll take him.

QB Matthew Stafford: Another of Brad Evans’ “mancrushes.”

RB Thomas Jones: Hands down, the most boring name on the roster. I think only a John Smith possibly could be worse. As for the player behind the name of Thomas Jones, I’ll wait and see.

K Ryan Longwell: Sure. Why not?

DEF New York, Cincinnati: I know hardly anything about defenses, so whatevs. Don’t be surprised if I ditch one later to pick up a player off the waiver wire or a free agent.



The players I ditched and for whom I ditched them

WR Kenny Britt for RB Carnell Williams: I had Britt for a brief moment last year and he did nothing for me. By virtue of Derrick Ward getting booted to the curb by the Bucs, I decided even an old Cadillac was better than having no Cadillac on my team.

photo courtesy of rocketvox on Flickr

K Dan Carpenter for WR Jabar Gaffney: I always can get another kicker off the waiver wire for Longwell’s bye week and since I’m weak at WR, I’ve heard good things about Gaffney from several sources, including Brad Evans, yes again.

WR Jacoby Jones for RB Kareem Huggins: This one is a gamble admittedly, but I don't know how much faith I have in an old Cadillac. Plus, of course, Brad Evans says Huggins is cool.

TE Dustin Keller for WR Austin Collie: Like Britt, I had Keller last year for a while and he did nothing for me and I figure I can find a suitable TE to replace Celek during his bye week.

So there you have it, my team thus far, and while auto-draft sucks, at least my team doesn’t totally suck.

For now, it semi-sucks.

As the season begins, I’ll take that as a good thing.

Brett Favre: 2020 MVP

It is a Conspiracy I Tell Ya

There is a conspiracy against La Machine. There are sordid characters involved in nefarious works for the sole purpose of thwarting the defense of my crown. It might take me all season to prove it, but I plan to root out those forces trying to stop me, one by one.

I begin with the first pieces of evidence.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

On the left are the changes I made. On the right is what the "computer" decided to rank my players, against my wishes mind you. I should have gotten Ryan Grant and Steve Smith (Carolina version) but received Cedric Benson and Sydney Rice instead.

Very odd.

Then we have the draft results. 

Let us start at quarterback. We have Matt Schaub who is either a Peyton Manning-like scoring machine or a Chris Chandler-like glass QB. Backing him up is Alex Smith. I would have never have chosen either player.

At running back we have Ray Rice returning from 2009, along with one of two of my red-headed step children the computer picked for me: Cedric Benson. Backing them up are LeSean McCoy, who could be a breakout player, and Reggie Bush. Would have been Rice, Grant, McCoy, and someone else.

The wideouts this season are Roddy White, Syndey Rice (the other step-child), Terrell Owens, and Lee Evans. White and The Carolina Steve Smith would have made a nice combo and I did not choose Rice.

Tight end is a mini-M.A.S.H. unit in Owen Daniels and Jeremy Shockey. The former is coming off a big injury and has just started practicing, the latter is always one play from going on the DL. I did target Shockey in the last couple rounds.

Rounding out the team is the Dallas defense and kicker Gostowski from New England.

Clearly, my team was being chosen for me. But the picks were too odd and offbeat, while also ignoring my own rankings. It could not be a human.

There was only one conclusion I could come up with....

Yes, it was Hal freaking 9000. He conspired to thwart my draft. He had the ability and the motivation.

But he is not the only one.

And we have no idea how far-reaching and how deep the corruption goes. We have only begun the trip down the rabbit hole.

How to Make a Tinfoil Hat - Watch today’s top amazing videos here

Fun and Games ... and DEATH!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As this is my third year in the HBFFL, I’ve observed some patterns.

Every draft, RF is blustery and bullish, Chris is ominously quiet, and I am -inevitably- recovering in a sunny, plain room, wondering if everyone only seems so nice because of the heroic level of sedation.

Rocking back and forth I read handy and supportive posters on the wall -only to realize eventually I had a deep, dark case of Fantasy Football Buyer’s Remorse [quote copyright pending]. I'm already afflicted with the world's first diagnosis of being tri-polar; this should finally tip my handicapped parking placard in.

Shock and Denial: Upon release, I sat down and mock-drafted for hours, puzzling over why my draft was so different than I expected. Why hast Jesus abandoned me so, in this time of such desperate need?

Pain and Guilt: Mistakes were made, and people should be promptly assigned blame. I feel guilty I allowed RF to trick me into trusting that ominously-quiet Chris! I would very much like to inflict some pain on them.

Anger and Bargaining: I’m going to have the entire HBFFL make fun of me for the next eight weeks because of these sixteen assholes? I am so angry, I wonder how much a hit man would charge to have all of those HBFFL pricks just killed. Or if Evil Chris will deal for Cedric Benson.

Depression, Reflection, Loneliness: Woe is me! The hit man I tried to hire? Laughed at my team too! I should hire someone to kill him … and then himself. This is getting expensive.

The Upward Turn: I’m broke, but everyone should be dead in four days. Hooray, me!

Reconstruction and Working Through: This isn’t as overwhelming a task as I thought. I know a bricklayer that has access to a backhoe; twelve six-foot deep holes would scarcely be an afternoon. Shit, I could probably be home before John and Kate Plus 8 reruns start airing.

Acceptance and Hope: I have to find some way to be patient, kinda like Christmas Eve … you know, when you can hardly wait for Santa to kill a dozen people? Man I hope they are all already dead. Ooh! Cookies and milk!

***
But now that some time has elapsed, I’m looking at the team with a certain degree of optimism.

1) Maurice Jones-Drew - A guys so nosebleed-high on my rankings, I forgot he was there; just as I was learning about his knee amputation, pow, he‘s my number one pick. As a test of health and loyalty, I should have him beat Brian Westbrook into a thick batter.

2) Steven Jackson - It’ll be nice to have some decent music for a change. I tried to draft the other four as well, but it turns out one of them is dead.

3) Vernon Davis - My only holdover from last year. Heath Miller would have been nice, but you can really only lull your opponent to sleep once a season before people start catching on.

4) Chad Och ... Ocho … chinko? - Possibly a double-agent spy for Renal Failure. Jesus. What am I? An idiot? Renal will be so pissed when I sit Chad here out for the rest of the season so he can’t infiltrate anything important. I'll have the rest of my wide receivers keep an eye on him too.

5) Mike Sims-Walker - I can’t thank Mike Sims enough. I’ve always wanted to drive one of these! And by eliminating traffic entirely, I'm sure to make most games by halftime or so.

6) Carson Palmer - Never heard of him. But there’s always the possibility that Carson mentored Drew Brees in his youth, but the NFL made Brees evil and go rogue -and Carson is the only one that can stop him! (Shit. He‘s white!? How white? Like Karl Rove white, or Jackie Chan white ... ?)

7) Minnesota - Nice, but where the hell am I supposed to put it?

8) [Some asshole kicker probably]

9) Santana Moss - A fungus among us? Haw! Well I don’t generally like lichens per se, but this one has “Santa” right smack in the name. Maybe it’s some kind of highly-explosive mistletoe derivative.

10) Malcom Floyd - Freakin awesome, but just not the same without David Waters somehow.

11) T.J. Housh … mandez … adu … ah forget it - And they hadda abbreviate his first and middle name; those must be real motherfuckers to pronounce. I’m sure he’ll be fine after his surgery. (His name wouldn’t fit on the jerseys, so we’re having his shoulders widened.)

12) Jerome Harrison - My first back-up running back. A few weeks ago, he was hailed as a potential football Jesus … then he went and made critical back-to-back fumbles in the preseason. But on the bright side, I shouldn’t need him for a while; he’ll have plenty of time to get used to the Velcro nubs we replaced his hands with. And in hopes it would increase his speed, we’ve also surgically removed his “junk.” I hope Jones-Drew and Jackson are paying attention.

13) Ben Roethlisberger - Seriously? In the thirteenth round? As a backup? Oh man, I gotta start making up false accusations about Drew Brees this year! Let ye who hast not molested teenagers in a bathroom (besides RF) cast the first stone!

14) Todd Heap - Another Caucasian -maybe a kicker or something.

15) Sebastian Janikowski - Hmmm … “Janikowski,” huh? I think he’s French or something. I don’t speak French. I do, however, need a lot of pianos moved this year.

16) Denver - Again, nice. But couldn’t I have gotten two states that were close to each other? That seems like an awful long and mountainous way for Sebastian Janikowski and Todd Heap to be hauling pianos back and forth.