Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Week 2 - Averaging 100 points a game and going 0-2?

by Renal Failure

Some say it's like punching the very face of God...

The People's Champion find themselves in a 0-2 hole to start the season, thanks to running into the team who scored the most point that week, this time newbies Mile High Club put up a Week 2 high 144 points. But on the bright side we avoided being victims of the Biggest Blowout of the Week by just 4 points (thanks Chris and your Dreamcrushers! for being really bad). Also we put up a decent 100 points, even with Tom Brady shitting the bed again while Jay Cutler puts up actual numbers, and that would have beat 6 of the other teams in the HBFFL that week. Hell, even Yahoo! gave us a C-grade for our week while no losing team got above a D. So apparently we're the James Marsden's of fantasy football this season, where you know he's not going to win but damn it he tries hard and it's not really his fault and why can't someone put him in a movie where he gets the girl instead of that other guy?

We're still #1 in the hearts of the American people...

But it's not panic mode yet for the People.  Sure, the only other time we started 0-2 was back in 2008 but we were rookies then. Fledglings trying to find our way, and we almost found our way into the playoffs with an 8-6 record that year.  Now we're savvy fantasy football veterans with a reputation for going on long winning streaks and pulling out clutch wins. Future Ex-Cons started their 2012 championship season 0-2 so it's not a death sentence. In our glorious 2010 championship season, we started off 2-5. So 0-2 is not the time to panic.  That comes later.

We're gearing up for Week Three with healthy food and fiber...

We get Meaty Clackers (1-1) in Week 3 who squeaked out a weak win vs. Future Ex-Cons seeing as Troi's squad is the only team in the HBFFL that scores less than the Clackers (Renal Failure is 4th in the league in Points Scored but dead last in Points Against).  Aside from Nick Foles, no one really scares the People.  Dez Bryant and Roddy White are unreliable.  Are we to be afraid of Montee Ball and Travis Kelce?  Maybe, since we never saw TE Delaine Walker putting up 27 points coming (outscoring everyone else on the team including Arian Foster and the New England D's 25 point orbital bears).  We haven't been fucked over by a TE since Dallas Clark in '08 so this probably means we'll be drafting Delaine Walker for the next three seasons to prevent future instances of getting fucked.

So what do we got going for us in Week Three? Tom Brady is up against the Raiders, which means either he's going to throw a bear into orbit or all hope is lost and it's the Jay Cutler show the rest of the way.  Jeremy Maclin and Zach Ertz can neutralize Nick Foles' numbers. Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris are consistent performers. Demaryius Thomas is back on track, despite Wes Welker returning.  And Cody Parkey is the new Billy Cundiff (the old Billy Cundiff is kicking for Cleveland so he might as well exist), so we like our chances of getting our first win of the season.

Yahoo! gives us a 98-90 edge in this matchup but we're pretty sure we'll hit the magic century mark, but actually win this time.  And with one win comes two wins, and the next thing you know Renal Failure's rattling off a win streak that reestablishes us as the team to shit your pants in fear over. 

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of the HBFFL and the FTWL. Speaking of the FTWL, got beat in 97-84 by the Patroits and got a C+ grade from Yahoo! as if to say "Eh, your team's good enough for government work even in a loss." 

1 comment:

Chris C said...

With the addition of the second starting RB slot, and the bonuses on defense 100 points a week avg might not cut it anymore.

110-115 is my guess for what a team needs to average to put themselves in the best position to win every week.