Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Kneel Before Renal Failure!

by 2010 Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Champion Renal Failure

What's it like to play against Renal Failure? It hurts...

Your People's Champion Renal Failure finds themselves in an unfamiliar position to start the 2011 HBFFL season: being the defending HBFFL champion. Usually we begin the season ready to avenge our not winning it all the previous year, but this year we don't have to because we did win it all (in two leagues, and against LOBO in the championship games no less).

So what does a franchise based on spite and vengeance do when there's nothing to avenge? We crank up the paranoia and say everyone is against, and this time we're actually right because when you're the defending champ, everyone's looking to knock you off of your pedestal. Everyone wants to make a name for themselves at your expense.

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy say "Strike us if you dare, we will destroy you." Not sure what that means fantasy football-wise, but it probably means you should start Charley Whitehurst at QB...

Also, Renal Failure wants to be the first team to break the curse of the previous year's champion not making the playoffs. And once we've avoided that fate, then we can worry about being the first repeat champion of the HBFFL because we know all too well how long and treacherous a fantasy football season can be.

And now with the new scoring changes to the HBFFL, new strategies will need to be employed. No longer will QB's throw up ridiculous numbers, as the league has seen fit to curtail the bear-in-orbit potential of quarterbacks by lowering their passing TD scores to 4, unless the TD in questions is 40+ yards, then it gets a bonus 2 points to go back up to 6. Also this season, interceptions will cost QB's 2 points, as will fumbles lost by any offensive player. This can only mean that there will be lesser bears thrown into outer space this year.

The scoring may have changed, but our devotion to Our Lady of Tight Denim Ines Sainz has not wavered one bit...

We won't have a draft preview because this season the HBFFL is doing a Live Draft rather than the auto-pick we've done in previous years. Usually we would do a bunch of mock drafts and fine-tune how we set up our lists, but now all that goes out the window. No more being forced to take a kicker in the 8th round. Now we build our rosters according to the pattern in our own heads. We can only hope that we don't outsmart ourselves on draft day. And it's too bad we can't trade draft picks during the draft because I think I could trick UnfinishedRambler into another disastrous deal. Well, if we don't fleece him in a trade later the season, someone else invariably will.

So stand tall and applaud your champion Renal Failure, for we defend our title not just for our glory but for the glory of The People. We may be known by many names, (The Wild Card, the Great One, the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler, The Duke of New York) but we will always be The People's Champion. And if we have a say in the matter, we will be your 2011 HBFFL champion again.

Renal Failure is one of five remaining original members of the HBFFL, and might be its most-hated owner.

1 comment:

Chris C said...

Actually there are six original owners. You, me, Lobo, Rambler, Canuck, and Joe.