Wednesday, August 27, 2008

It starts with blood in your urine, and ends with a gun

Renal Failure knows all about fantasy, being the blog of wild fabrication and outright lies. Renal Failure also knows about football, as we can identify a football game when it shows up on the television. So using science and mathematics, we can conclude that Renal Failure will be your 1976 Avco Cup winners, also known as the Winnipeg Jets.

But teacher always said to show your work, and to give her ten inches, and so here's why you'll be seeing Renal Failure in the Winner's Circle with the Pennant wearing the Green Jacket...

Depth at Quarterback: Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers both have arms and hands, with which things can be hurled. Sometimes those things are fooballs. Other times it's ethnic slurs.

We'll be Receiving You Now: Larry Fitzgerald needs to catch lots of passes per game or children die. Hines Ward has an extra thumb on each hand for extra gripping power. Coming off the bench, Reggie Williams and Donte Stallworth have unhealthy fetishes for football leather. And feet.

There Will Be Running: Joseph Addai is what keeps defenses honest against Peyton Manning's vaunted passing attack. Maurice Jones-Drew can use his hypen as an extra blocker. Kevin Smith is very non-descript and thus no one will see him running the ball. And Chester Taylor not only runs on the field, he also runs for local political office. So Vote Taylor for County Selectman.

Other People with Hands: Todd Heap and L.J. Smith have small names, so inversely they have big hearts. Or a bigger chance of contracting monosyllabism. Or mononucleosis.

Important Feet: Rob Bironas once kicked 8 field goals in one game. And David Akers once kicked a panda in the groin.

The Best Offender is a Good Defender: Chicago and Philadelphia are traditional defensive powerhouses, and both cities are known for having signature food that can make your heart explode. And you can't score touchdowns if your heart looks like a Manwich.

And we reserve the right to play Renal Failure fixture Tag Larkin in any game he chooses. Because you don't put Tag Larkin the game. Tag Larkin puts the game in you.