There's only one way to end a poor season... with a needless tie!
Dear Chris C. and your Purple Drank,
With our 88-88 tie in Week 14, the People request that you send their Champion Renal Failure a Christmas card thanking us for your making the playoffs in 2012. The People want you to thank us for starting RGIII (19 points) instead of Tom Brady (32pts) and to thank RGIII's knee for giving out during the pivotal drive of the Skins/Ravens game where him scoring a touchdown was inevitable.
The People also want you to thank us for starting Greg Jennings (2pts) instead of one of other WR's like Dwayne Bowe (7pts) or Davone Bess (5pts). You are also requested to thank us for going with CJ Spiller (4pts) instead of BenJarvis Green-Ellis (9pts). If we had chosen any differently, you drop to 7-7 and lose the tiebreaker to Bourbon Blasters. Instead you reach the playoffs with a 7-6-1 record, beating out Joe for that last spot the same way we denied NoNames' last year, so you're not even being original. The People demand an apology for that too.
As for the massive amount of points you left on your bench, well, we'll forgive you for that. The People's Champion does have magnanimous side after all.
You said we should watch out for Bryce Brown, and he didn't do shit! YOU LIED TO US, CHRIS!
You might also want to write yourself an apology note for starting Bryce Brown instead of CJ2K because the Bryce was not right on Sunday. Goose egg! Was he doing impression of our WR corps from earlier in the season or something? We've chosen wrong a lot with our QB situation but at least both RGIII and Tom Brady are certified orbital bear chuckers (and the top two scoring QB's in the HBFFL). Bryce Brown is a rookie with proven butterfingers going against a strong Buccaneer run defense. If you were going to bet your season on a member of the Philadelphia Eagles, it should have been Nick Foles to replace Andy Dalton (12th on the QB scoring list).
But it worked out for you, Chris. You came out Week 14 without a win but without a loss, and for that you will march into the playoffs to meet top-seeded Unfinished Person (10-4). If you can't beat a hobbled Renal Failure, what chance do you think you will have against the highest scoring team in HBFFL history (1509 points for UP - beating 2009's Renal Failure 1481)? UP's weakness is the QB position, but it's stronger than Purple Drank's collective, plus Josh Freeman and Vincent Jackson have nice matchups vs. the Saints. Also UP's Arian Foster who will be looking to bounce back after a bad Monday night vs. the Patriots. It's not looking to be a fun week for Chris and the Drank.
This is how Renal Failure feels about their HBFFL 2012 season...
But despite Chris's ingratitude, he did have a much better season than the People's Champ Renal Failure, which is why he's in the playoffs and we're in the consolation bracket vs. the scorned 5th place Bourbon Blasters. Because of our tie, we floated into 8th place in the standings above NoNames and Bald Spots (both 5-9). Joining us in the consolation bracket is 7th place What the Canuck (6-8)? and 6th place Predator Press (7-7 - see, told ya no one makes the playoffs in the HBFFL with 7 losses, not like you would have won the tie-breaker anyway).
In the actual playoffs, it's UP vs. Drank and Delusions of Adequacy (9-5) vs. Future Ex-Cons (8-6). Troi's Ex-Cons seem to be the most unlikely team to have made the playoffs, considering they scored 3 less points than your People's Champion yet have three more wins to show for their efforts. Strange world this fantasy football is. Delusions has a nice 1-2 RB punch with Ray Rice and Stevan Ridley, and with Carson Palmer slinging the rock against a bad Chiefs team, it's likely we're going to be a good day for the Delusions squad.
So we're predicting a Delusions vs. Unfinished Person for HUMOR BOWL V... which probably means it will be a Drank vs. Ex-Cons championship game. We'll find out if we've got our prognostication muscles back in shape, or if we're just bullshitting as usual.
3 comments:
Doesn't matter who I started or didn't start. I didn't lose and made the playoffs.
And I beat UP already this season. Ain't scared.
He had no reason to be scared.
And I am playing DOA, but for third place. :(
Today will be the first football I've seen in two months. But now fully operational again with cable and internet, I made the mistake of looking back at the chunk of the season I missed.
Had the Universe not conspired against me, it wouldn't have been too far fetched to have hauled in more victories instead of a six game loss streak. Prior to that I was as solid as anyone.
DAMN YOU, UNIVERSE!
Post a Comment