With all my job travel, it was a friggin' miracle I could make the live draft this year. And I don't take friggin' miracles lightly.
Read the Bible! Jesus Christ [*SPOILER ALERT*] died for all your sins, and cleared the way so I could punish this sinful league with ruthless and relentless smiting. Prepare to be ruthlessly and relentlessly smoten! In the name of Christian Peace and Love, Jesus and I shall crush thy bones into a proper thick paste that I can spackle the holes Comcast left in the wall of my rental apartment -all so we can Forgive you at some point in Eternity (probably).
Thy comeuppance shall be tenfold in 2015! Barring The Rapture, J.C. and I will gleefully be dancing, squishing our toes in the entrails of all who oppose us in Week 16.
Statistically eliminated from the playoffs, our beloved Preds have only two weeks left in our season.
Nonetheless, we suit up. We fire up. Week 13 [Future Ex-Cons] and 14 [Renal Failure] will find the mighty Preds undefeated in spirit.
-Undefeated!
We, the Preds, have something rare and precious on our side, something that makes us impervious to doubt. Something special, that makes us play harder when there is nothing to gain. Something that chases away the creeping, cloying darkness of surrendered hearts. Something that transcends the statistics and scorecards, innate and priceless, burned into our very souls, that cannot be stolen, bought, found, or taught. Something that drives us to stand and deliver against all odds, and play the best damn football we ever have. Something that could potentially send either or both of two 2014 playoff hopefuls sprawling to obscurity.
And that something is spite.
(Plus I'll bench my starters for 2015 draft picks)
There are five stages of grief the millions and millions of Predator Press fans should be expecting this weekend:
1) Denial: "No, I did not just see our beloved Preds get squished through a fine mesh diamond-edged screen into a pool of lava."
2) Anger: "Fuck 'fine mesh diamond-edged screen.' How did she get lava!?!"
C) Bargaining: "She's a chick, right? Chicks make dumb decisions sometimes, like to get 'tramp stamps' and to have 'emotions.' I mean look what's happened since we let them drive and vote. Ebola!"
37) Depression: "Maybe if I wept openly, she wouldn't have doubled LOBO's score."
Still smarting from the asswhipping Renal Failure aka "The People's Champion" delivered upon our beloved Preds in Week 5, I am driven to only one conclusion: "The People" are just plain dumb as a box of hammers. But our league commissioner, doubtlessly feeling the pressure of mass public outcry by now, will have stepped down by Week 14 ... and that is when Renal Failure and "The People" will receive the swift, lethal payback of my all-kicker team. And hopefully Ebola.
McMananicus will have little time to recover from some minor cybernetic tweaks and mandatory performance-enhancing, eh, "herbal suppliments."
Leading the charge to find Renal Failure's ass -and follow the subsequent orders to kick it- will be Brandon McMananicus, who will be flexing his mighty big toe of glory on Bald Spots' slippery scalp in Week 6.
Once we work out some hydraulic issues and figure out how Brandon McMananicus can carry fifty three more laser pointers, we, the Preds, are a mere two oil changes from this year's HBFFL Championship.
Once, at tryouts, Kurt Cousins fired a touchdown pass square into my belly. Despite fumbling bravely, I immediately went to the hospital. I hate Kurt Cousins. Why does he have to throw so hard?
PS: Does anyone know where I can get anthrax? And postage stamps and envelopes? And everyone in this league's addresses? And the instructions for this HAZMAT suit?
Dear People's Champion of Fantasy Football Renal Failure,
Please accept our apologize for Demaryius Thomas not scoring for shit in his first games of the season. To make up for this, he will score ALL THE POINTS in Week Five for you. Sorry for the miscommunication.
Signed,
Peyton Manning.
P.S. - Please buy a Papa John's Pizza.
When you get 41 points from your WR, things are usually going swimmingly for you. And that indeed was the case in Week 5 as Renal Failure scored a ultra-sweet 129-71 victory over Predator Press. Why "ultra-sweet?" Because Renal Failure hadn't beaten Predator Press since the 2010 Humor Bowl. Three full years of losses to Predator Press - regular season and playoffs. No more of that noise. REGULATORS, MOUNT UP!!!
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese... and Marshawn Lynch crushing people to be the 2nd highest scoring RB in the league...
There were other bright spots for the People other than Demaryius Thomas's 41-point Bear Leaving the Solar System. Beast Mode went for 17 points. Jeremy Maclin continues catching TD's (13pts), and the San Diego D blanked the Jets for a 16-point day. Cody Parkey told LOBO's Mason Crosby to know his role and shut his mouth with a 10-point day (he's the #2 scoring kicker in the HBFFL). Drew Brees managed 25 points, as did Jay Cutler, so that makes us feel a little better about Brees being on a bye in Week Six.
Cody Parkey drinks your milkshake, LOBO
Unfortunately there were underachievers in the lineup. Alfred Morris and Bishop Sankey only managed 2pts a piece, which greatly disappointed us because we thought this was finally Sankey's time to shine in the Titan's backfield. Morris was running against the Seahawks so we're more charitable with him. Zach Ertz is not living up to the TE of the future label we gave him so he's going to take a backseat to Jason Witten, especially now that Dallas has figured out how to play football again.
LOBO can take solace that nothing he would have done in Week Five would have mattered, but Yahoo! gave him a D-grade in the recap. And he's not in good shape going forward with Jimmy Graham's bum shoulder and Rashard Jennings getting banged up vs Atlanta. At least you've got last place Bald Spots to kick around this week.
We consulted the Torah for our Week Six lineup, but all we got was a recipe for Gifilte Fish...
This is one of the rare seasons that our Week Six opponent Bourbon Blaster do not have Drew Brees in their lineup. Unfortunately we don't have him in our lineup either for Week Six because of the Saints bye week. But Jay Cutler's been putting up Brees-like numbers so we're okay there. The problem comes in the form of some former members of the Renal Roster. We traded Brian Quick for Chris Ivory (who we parlayed for Brees) and Quick has proven to be a golden WR in garbage time for the Rams. Also we had released Ben Tate when he was injured and the Blasters snatched him up when he got healthy, and he's showing to be the main RB we thought he'd be when we originally drafted him.
Joe went to the waiver wire to get Andre Williams with Rashard Jennings down and the Giants playing the Eagles this week (who while having the highest scoring DEF/Special Teams in the HBFFL also give up an obscene amount of yards and points to the opposition). Frank Gore's running on the hapless Rams so that looks problematic for the People. Percy Harvin kept having touchdowns called back this past Monday so he should get the chance to wild against the Cowboys.
41 points later, he's the 8th ranked WR in the league
Despite all that, Yahoo! is giving the early edge to Renal Failure. Demaryius Thomas should have another big day, this time vs. the Jets. Fred Jackson is starting to catch fire and is playing a weak Patriots squad. Maclin's going to get his, as usual, and especially in a game against a divisional rival. And Beast Mode is Beast Mode.
Winning this week would not only give us the pleasure of extending the Blasters' losing streak to four games, it would help us begin to break away from the logjam of six 2-3 teams. Renal Failure's currently atop this morass in fourth because we've got more 6 more points than the Blasters. We'll see whether Week Six marks the point where we rise up toward the playoffs or sink deeper into the uncertain muck.
Renal Failure is the People's Champion and Wild Card (bitches!) of Fantasy Football. We also beat LOBO in the FTWL but not as savagely. We're also playing the Blasters in the FTWL, but Yahoo! likes their chances of winning way more there, but that's mainly because Peyton Manning is projected to put up 33 points vs. the Jets, which is somewhat reasonable.
Yes "Chris" -if in fact that is your real name- your cavalier Commissionations costed me Week 5.
Were I not hampered by your oppressive adjudicationing, I could have won last week. But nay! You have micromanagicked this league to the point that this entire season is questionable now, and I declare it utterly bereft of sportsmanshipitude.
If not for your tyrannicalized reign of unjust "rules" and whatever, I would have deployed the following lineup:
QB - Phi DEF, 24 points
WR - GB DEF, 21 points
WR - Car DEF, 19 points
RB - Stephen Gostkowski NE K, 19 points
RB - Phil Dawson SF K, 18 points
TE - SD DEF, 16 points
W/R - NE DEF, 15 points
DEF - whoever was playing Tony Romo (points probably still being calculatronned)
That is like 500 points. Chris, the evidence of your meddlutions in my season is clear to us all. I will file numerous "Torts" and "Motions" to declare this entire season corruptified, and unfit for human consumption.
My quest to get to 2-2, foiled by bye-week treachery... DREAMCRUSHERS! YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!
Your People's Champion Renal Failure had a bad Week 4. We knew we had Marshawn Lynch and Demaryius Thomas on bye weeks, but what we didn't know is that everyone else on our team would take a bye week too. Not that it would have mattered because the Dreamcrushers! jumped on us, putting up 122 points to our meager 74.
Jeremy Maclin came back down to earth with 5pts. Michael Crabtree barely managed 4pts. Our decision to go Fred Jackson/CJ Spiller instead of Chris Ivory/Sammy Watkins wasn't that bad. The Bills RB's put up 16 together, Ivory/Watkins 18. We said no more Tom Brady and were rewarded sby Jay Cutler scoring 18 to Brady's anemic 8. Alfred Morris's 14 points and the San Diego's DEF's 11pts were the only bright spots (even Cody Parkey took the week off with 3pts).
Andrew Luck and Matt Forte threw bears into space (38 and 28 points respectively). Keenan Allen's 18 and Kevlin Benjamin's 13 iced the day though Chris admittedly fucked up by not starting Steve Smith Sr. who had a absoludicrous 32 points against Carolina. Good thing he was playing a team that had the scoring equivalent of mono this week (Yahoo! gave us a C- for the week, another pat on the head for not having a chance because even our bench sucked).
When you're 1-3, you gotta be ready to blow shit up...
Rust never sleeps, and Renal Failure is always looking to make moves. No one wheels and deals like the People's Champ. Last week we traded for Chris Ivory. Didn't play him, but that's okay because we packaged him with Sammy Watkins and Tom Brady in a deal to Troi and his 1-3 Future Ex-Cons for Drew Brees, Carlos Hyde, and Larry Fitzgerald. Cutler's been putting up good numbers, but Drew Brees is a sure thing week in and week out. He's going to get his points even when he's losing.
So now look at Renal Failure: Starting blue chip QB who will throw all day long. Beast Mode at RB, ready to dominate any week. Alfred Morris at the other RB spot, the only dependable aspect of the 'Skins offense. Demaryius Thomas and Jeremy Maclin at WR - the main receivers in pass-happy offenses. What fantasy owner wouldn't love a core group like that?
How the rest of the league sees Renal Failure's trading strategy...
Oh, and did we mention we still have C.J. Spiller AND Fred Jackson for RB depth and FLEX options, not to mention we picked up Bishop Sankey at a time where the Titans are actually going to run him more seeing how he's the only one on the team with talent? Hell, even Jason Witten's starting to pick up his game just in case Zach Ertz somehow does not live up to his TE Of The Future billing. And when Frank Gore and Doug Martin go down with injuries (because they've done it before) we've got Bobby Rainey and Carlos Hyde on standby, ready to play or ready to deal.
So going into Week 5 vs. Predator Press, we're liking our odds a bit more than usual. We have reloaded and restocked, no one's on a bye, and 1-3 is the kind of desperate situation that historically has seen Renal Failure rally. And though Yahoo! sees the matchup as a slight advantage to the People's Champ over LOBO's Predator Press, you can feel it in the air that Renal Failure's going to get business done in a big way.
Everyone does the air drums to this...
We'll see whether The People are on back on track or we've blown up our season. Gotta love the desperation that comes after the four game mark to salvage or maintain a fantasy season. The waiver wire Hail Mary's. The Machiavellian trades. The clinging to hope that long-shots pay off and everyone else stays healthy. We're going for broke, baby! Or at least that fourth-seed.
Renal Failure is the People's Champ of the HBFFL and the FTWL. We got housed just as bad in the FTWL in Week Four too so apparently we don't win when Marshawn Lynch doesn't play. But Beast Mode is back and we're playing LOBO in the FTWL too, and Yahoo! likes his chances even less there.
After a lot of bootstrapping, the Preds detonated Bourbon Blasters in Week 3 -sadly, our first victory of the season. I figured Aaron Rogers and the entire Bourbon Blaster WR corps were expected to get at least thirty points collectively, but as a consequence, our beloved Preds squeaked though by scarcely doubling their score.
*!whew!*
Now I'm beset with a mediocre draft, a cascade of injuries, arrests, and bye weeks. Thank God for Mason Crosby! My roster is so full of waiver wire handcuffs that the most seasoned dominatrix I know uttered my 'safe word' [harder] on sight.*
And with this motley crew, I get the Championship rematch with the Future Ex-Cons:
Artist's Rendering
My strategy will be straight out of the first three Rocky movies. Just like Apollo Creed, I'm gonna dazzle the HBFFL with some trash talk, flashy antics, fancy footwork, and inexplicable reckless underestimation of all my opponents.
I might even celebrate my victories by finally watching Rocky IV this weekend.
*Whatever you do, don't tell her Kirk Cousins is not really my cousin. Holy crap would she be pissed.
"Hello, Mister Goodell? Goddamn it that bitch keeps sending me to voicemail. Sir, I realize this is a bad time with the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situation and all, but I really need Aaron Hernandez to be activated this week to defeat the scourge known as Joe Ohlstein. No, not the coolJoel Osteen, but the godless Joe Ohlstein that dresses like a woman in pagan ceremonies to win fantasy championships. I think activating Aaron Hernandez can repair your perceived lack of commitment to football. [*clinky*] Hey man, I just found seventy-five cents in this payphone -now I can call you back later this morning if I need to! Anyways, about that 'Redskins' controversy ... would it kill you to spot Kirk Cousins three hundred yards and two touchdowns and settle the whole thing? And hey ... why don't any players in the NFL know karate? I think the NKFL would be a-"
It's Saturday night, and Tarken Hawkworthy, the Predator Press Offensive Coordinator, seems fidgety.
And perhaps rightly so. Saturday is the day he is supposed to clean out the Predator Press refrigerator, and the Predator Press refrigerator was recently discovered to contain the kidney I am saving for Kim Jong-il, and a five year old pastrami sandwich.
My crushing of fantasy football hopes and dreams gets real this week, for rizzles even with the first matchup of the season: The Autodrafters, a.k.a. LOBO's Predator Press.
Things are not looking good for LOBO, as we will see with the forthcoming scientific analysis...
Quarterbacks
Luck (Dreamcrushers!) vs Kaepernick (Predator Press)
Things would be a lot easier if Kaepernick would just drop that first e. He could put an end to the question he has been asked a million times: "Is it Ka-pernick or K-prnick?"
But Kaepernick didn't hear them because he has his Beats on. What did he do before Beats were invented? And before that you can tell everybody song was published?
So yeah, a push on this position. Advantage: Even Running Backs
Forte and Bush (Dreamcrushers!) vs Le'Veon Bell and Toby Gerhart (Predator Press)
I had a parakeet named Toby when I was a child and it was not very intimidating. Couldn't even get it to say "pretty bird".
And Bell, well he's hanging out with Blount, who was part of the party clique in Tampa Bay a few years back. They even have a side bet during games: whoever has the least amount of all purpose yards pays for the weed. Advantage: The Dreamcrushers! Wide Receivers/Flex
Julio Jones, K. Allen, M. Floyd (Dreamcatchers!) vs AJ Green, K. Britt, R. Wayne (Predator Press) (Included the flex because both of us are starting WR in that slot.)
The present and the future against the present and 2012. Britt? Wayne? LOBO has turned his fantasy football roster into a time machine. And it isn't even a Delorean. Where his receivers are going might not need roads but they will need the luck of the fantasy gods. Advantage: The Dreamcrushers! Tight End K. Rudolph (Dreamcrushers!) vs J. Graham (Predator Press)
Yeah, I got nothing. Advantage: Clearly Predator Press Kicker and Defense
Hahahahahaha....flip a coin.
So final tally is advantage me for RB and WR, Predator Press for TE, and a tie at QB. And you know what that means.
This is what we do when you draft a player we want right before it's our turn...
The end of August means the start of fantasy football (and actual NFL football), and that means the HBFFL is gearing up for its 7th season. There are some new faces in the crowd as we've moved away from the Humor Blogger requisite of our league, much how like everyone forgot Richie Cunningham on Happy Days had an older brother.
The 2014 HBFFL draft was held this past Tuesday and the grades from Yahoo! are in. Let's see what the algorithm bots have to say about who will dominate the season.
"Is this who's left on the draft board???"
The Patriots - Grade: A - Projected Record: 10-4 (3rd place)
One of our newbies in the HBFFL, Yahoo! liked them the best with their draft, though strangely projects them to finish 3rd. They went with the tried and true Renal Failure strategy of loading up on RB's, taking Eddie Lacy, DeMarco Murray, and Giovani Bernard with their first three picks. They grabbed Matty Ice as their QB, a solid choice. They'll be leaning on Randall Cobb for WR production, but may be relying too much on Vernon Davis at TE. Your People's Champ wouldn't have given them an A rating just because they chose two kickers and one of them is the suspended Matt Prater.
Cranberry Sauce - Grade: B+ - Projected Record: 11-3 (2nd place)
The newcomers know their stuff according to the Yahoo! bots. Jamaal Charles with the 2nd pick will be their focus at RB because the other RB's (Shane Vereen, DeAngelo Williams, James Starks) don't scare anyone. They loaded up at WR with Jordy Nelson and Alshon Jeffrey, and they got the best value of the 5th round by taking the Seattle Defense, which is about the only defense you can unequivocally count on in 2014. Cranberry won't have to worry much if Matt Stafford goes down with Philip Rivers behind him. But in Renal Failure's opinion, Cranberry should be knocked down to a D in this draft for ruining our plan to take Johnny Manziel with the final pick of the draft to make a very clever Mr. Irrelevance joke. To be fair, we did tell people we were going to do it, but that's because it was too good not to share.
And now "Deep Thoughts by Eli Manning"
Bald Spots - Grade: B+ - Projected Record 9-5 (4th place)
The HBFFL vet went WR heavy with Megatron, Brandon Marshall, and Victor Cruz in the first four rounds, which Yahoo! says is the best WR trio in the HBFFL. He'll be hoping RB Andre Ellington comes through, despite playing for Arizona. Speaking of Arizona, their D should be solid again this year. We're not sold on his taking Cam Newton as his QB considering he has no one to throw to in Carolina, and if he spends all his time running that ups his chance of getting injured. Backup QB Eli Manning doesn't scare anyone. And Rob Gronkowski's injury issues may bite Bald Spots when he can least afford to be bitten. Still, you can't rule out a team with Megatron on the roster.
Bourbon Blasters - Grade: B - Projected Record 6-8 (7th place)
This is the rare year that the Blasters do not have Drew Brees as their QB, but Aaron Rodgers ain't a bad replacement. The Blasters will be leaning on Adrian Peterson and Frank Gore for running points, but they're not getting any younger. Andre Johnson might be the only receiving threat for the Texans, but do you want to put your faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick getting the ball to him (why do you think no one won with Bills receivers the past couple seasons)? He'll get more production from Julius Thomas and Julian Edelman, but Joe has no Drew Brees so he gets no playoffs. But Yahoo! thinks you draft handsomely. Also we're not sold on Percy Harvin, but Dennis Pitta is a nice TE option.
Hey LOBO, resolve to fix your autodraft rankings
Predator Press - Grade: B - Projected Record 7-7 (5th place)
Your runner-up in last year's Humor Bowl will have to scrap a bit to get back there according to the Yahoo! bots. though there's a lot to disagree with. Jimmy Graham in the first round was the 2nd best receiving threat in the Top 10 behind Megatron but LOBO was right to feel weird about drafting a TE with their first pick. A.J. Green is another solid WR to build the team around. But the RB situation is a bit dicey. Le'Veon Bell is in drug trouble and Toby Gerhart is Toby Gerhart. Colin Kaepernick will probably be able to bail out PredPress in some tight games, but if he goes down we're not sold on him being able to rely on RGIII. Also, LOBO's autodrafter took Wes Welker way too high for someone with who just got his 3rd concussion in the past two years. But like us LOBO lives for waiver wire pickups so he's got a puncher's chance of sneaking into the playoffs.
Future Ex-Cons (Defending HBFFL champion) - Grade: B - Projected Record 12-2 (1st place)
Troi's chances of winning a third consecutive Humor Bowl are looking good according to the Yahoo! bots, a lot of it due to having the weakest projected schedule (something RF rode hard on last year to get into the playoffs). But they may have stumbled out of the gate by taking Drew Brees AND Peyton Manning with their first two picks. This sort of trade bait scenario rarely works (we know, because we've tried it in the past, e.g. the Tom Brady/RGIII 5-8-1 season of 2012). We like Troi's choice of Zac Stacy in the 3rd round, seeing how we had Zac Stacy last season and he racked up mad points for us in our push to the playoffs. Larry Fitzgerald in the 4th round is a steal. DeSean Jackson in the 5th? Eh... RGIII is not Nick Foles. San Francisco's D in the 6th seemed a bit of a reach as did taking K Stephen Gostkowski in the 8th. Troi will roll the dice with Marques Colston because Brees can't throw to Jimmy Graham all the time. We're going to make an outlandish prediction here: Troi does not win his 3rd championship without trading Brees or Manning, and we don't think anyone's going to make that deal. We may be biased because teams have learned over the years to be wary of trades with Renal Failure (we are the devil!), but the HBFFL has never been a trade-heavy league.
You sleep on Renal Failure, you get snapped in half.
Renal Failure (aka the People's Champion) - Grade B- - Projected Record 7-7 (6th place)
Yahoo! never understands or appreciates how we operate. That's why we're the Wild Card (bitches)! Renal Failure ended up picking last in the draft order for the 2nd straight year, but that's okay because we were 10-4 in 2013. Your People's Champ went with our tried and true method of loading up on RB's - going with Marshawn Lynch, Alfred Morris, and C.J. Spiller. Then we loaded up with a deep trio of WR's Demaryius Thomas, Jeremy Maclin, and Michael Crabtree. Yahoo! says we took Tom Brady too early in the 5th round, but we couldn't count on quality QB's to be available around picks 70 and 71. Yahoo! says we stole TE Jason Witten in the 10th round but we like getting Jay Cutler as our backup QB in the 8th round even more. We rounded out our draft with some handcuff picks (Riley Cooper, Fred Jackson) and decided to gamble in the later rounds with some adventurous picks with Sammy Watkins, Zach Ertz, and (to make up for not getting Johnny Manziel with the last pick) Blake Bortles. If these youngsters blossom like they're expected to, Renal Failure could rocket themselves into the playoffs yet again. And if they don't, well that's why we pound that waiver wire like it owes us money (that's how over the past 6 years we were into CJ2K, DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, Brandon Lloyd, Zac Stacy, and Arcade Fire before everyone else was - just kidding about Arcade Fire, we don't see what the big deal is about them).
Manley's Book Club - Grade: C+ - Projected Record 4-10 (8th place)
This newbie to the HBFFL didn't get the Yahoo! draft love, but he did get Nick Foles who had a red hot 2013 and should continue throwing bears into outer space in 2014 (throwing bears into outer space being our term for ridiculously high fantasy football point performances). We personally think he took Dez Bryant way too high, but we don't much care for Cowboys not named Jason Witten (Yahoo! thinks Bryant's going to lead all WR in points this year because of reasons too smart for us to understand). Cordarelle Patterson is slated to have a breakout year at WR, which we agree with more seeing as someone has to catch the ball in Minnesota. Doug Martin will grind out a lot of yards running for the Bucs, and if Montee Ball can stay competent he could get close to those inexplicable Knowshow Moreno numbers from last year (and just to be sure, Manley drafted Moreno too). We're not keen on him wasting a high pick on Roddy White, considering the shit season he had when he was on the Renal Roster last year. Probably could have gotten him much later.
Sometimes you just get spittin' mad at your draft.
Purple Drank - Grade C - Projected Record 2-12 (9th place)
The commish of the HBFFL never gets any love from the Yahoo! draft bots. Things started off good with grabbing Matt Forte and Julio Jones. Then things went wonky with taking WR Keenan Allen with the 3rd round pick. Reggie Bush in the 4th round was pretty money, as was getting Andrew Luck in the 5th. After that, the rest of his draft decisions don't inspire much emotion other than "Well, you're here, come along." Joique Bell is Reggie Bush's handcuff, so that's something, but the Drank is rolling with two Saints RB's on the bench (Pierre Thomas and Mark Ingram) Who do you know in fantasy football who's gone anywhere in the last few year by relying on the Saints running game? At least Tampa Bay's Defense is supposed to be good.
For when you don't make the consolation playoffs.
Mile High Club - Grade: D - Projected Record 2-12 (10th place)
Yahoo! loves and hates the HBFFL rookies. Mile High was granted the 1st pick overall and took Renal Failure mainstay Shady McCoy (Your People's Champ are McCoy hipsters, we were starting him before it was cool). WR Antonio Brown was a solid 2nd round pick. Yahoo! especially liked his 3rd round selection of Arian Foster (hey, we had McCoy and Foster last year too - Mile High knows who to emulate for success). TE Jordan Cameron is projected to be the only person on the Browns catching anything so take that as you will, and WR Vincent Jackson is slated to be the man in Tampa Bay. Rounding out the lineup are QB Tony Romo and a nice pickup in Round 8 of WR Emmanuel Sanders. But the problem is with the rest of Mile High's RB choices. Trent Richardson and Maurice Jones-Drew (a former Renal Failure favorite) aren't going to make teams lose sleep. And Dwayne Bowe? Sure, Renal Failure won a championship with him in 2010 but that was the last time he was ever useful. Better hope Anquan Boldin still has some life left in those legs, or that RB Devonta Freeman breaks out in Atlanta.
We'll see in 16 weeks who the 2014 champ is, and who are the teams that really wanted to forget the 2014 season. Maybe we'll check with the teams who were ambivalent about their season, but they're less fun.
Renal Failure is the People's Champion and original member of the HBFFL. We are the fantasy football team your league deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.
-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.
I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:
#1) Adrian Peterson
In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.
Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?
#2) Pope Francis
Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.
-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.
#3) Al Gore
For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.
#4) Rebecca Black
Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.
-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.
#5) Unfinished Rambler
Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.
(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)
#6) Hurricane Katrina
I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.
***
This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth. Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year. So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.
-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?
It's championship week and I find myself pitted against Lobo in both my leagues. My #1 Future Ex-Cons vs. his #2 Predator Press in the HBFFL and my #2 From Behind! vs. his #1 pwn.exe. I hate him soooooo much...sooooooo much. As of this post, he's going with his Nick Foles (he previously was starting Jay Cutler at QB), Brandon Marshall, and Justin Tucker combo. I'll admit, I'm worried about this one. I have fears that this entire season will be all for naught as I lose to an auto-drafter...an Auto-Drafter!!! Sure Lobo makes more moves during the season than 6 Wilt Chamberlains (or one Ron Burgundy).
But he's a fraking Auto-Drafter!!
In the end, I pray that good triumphs over the evil that is Lobo. That way the good children of the world can continue to have a Christmas. Is it so much to ask for Lobo to pull a Wil Shatner and scream out, "Khaaaaaaan!"
TWICE this month, I deployed
quarterbacks (Cutler, Locker) that delivered negative points. To
paraphrase, I would have been better off not playing quarterbacks at
all.
But this time it worked out. I was
playing Renal Failure. My dear friend RF
cunningly used Cam Newtron -the inventor of gravity- in an attempt to
launch numerous bears into space. But the bears he was using were fat,
shut-in bears, lazy from seven victories, while the Preds cleverly brought Brandon
Marshall starving, malnourished, emaciated bear cubs. (Fuck you, PETA. This is football.)
PETA: Brandon Marshall got 5
points with aerodynamic "Cuddles."
She died bravely in a fumble,
and was very, very tasty.
Still, Predator Press
needs a solid TE. We tried to trade nonames with a very generous offer for Tony Gonzalez, and he rejected it. In retrospect we would like to thank nonames for his foresight and continued support of Predator Press, as this would have ruined our season entirely. But we are still offering Le'Veon Bell and/or a nice portfolio of WR …
… Because the big dog in the house is
the Future Ex-Cons.
Are we really going to let a sadistic,
child torturing “teacher” win two seasons in a row?
Why, against all reason, am i blogging and about Fantasy Foosball no less? Foosball is the devil. Which makes Fantasy Foosball, the devil's fantasy.
Just like meth, one should treat blogging with a view of "Not even once." Really, who even blogs anymore? It's a dead media. Today's society is way too fast for that. If it can't be said in 140 characters or less, then it loses the audience. Why write when an Instagram says a thousand words? #KidsCanNotRead In fact, there's a quote going around my FB feed that perfectly summarizes my point: "Frak blogging" Abraham Lincoln. See, if our most beloved US President said it, then it must be true. Blogging is for people who like to hear themselves talk but in writing. It's for people who believe themselves better than those who vlog on youtube. "Look at me, I can talk but I'm gonna make it more complicated by saying it with my fingers." But I digress and must go back to the point.
Why am I blogging? LOBO made me do it.
It started with a cryptic letter. The letter had some fanatical claims. LOBO claimed, "I KNOW you blog." Ninja, please. I'm a Social Media Connoisseur. Do you think Jay-Z would stoop to blogging? LOBO also claimed that it would be a perfect opportunity to exchange some trash talking since my #1 Ranked Future Ex-Cons and his #2 team(and believe me, there's a HUGE drop off from 1 and 2. It's like as if #1 is eating ice cream and #2 is eating razor blades.) Predator Press. Sure, we have the same 5-1-0 record and my team happens to come first alphabetically, but if LOBO was smart then he would have named his team "A Predator Press". Yet he didn't so let's all go doubt his mental acumen. It's okay, you know you already do. I'm not saying he's dumb, but if the cap fits...
Let's just say it's time for Peyton Manning to smack Jay Cutler upside the head.
His previous tired tirade in this "Humor" blog league also claims that as a teacher, I am somehow raising some army to think and act as I do. Well, yes, but what army is going to keep the evil that is LOBO at bay? Someone has to do it and I will gladly order that code red to keep you all safe.
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