Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.
-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.
I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:
#1) Adrian Peterson
In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.
Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?
#2) Pope Francis
Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.
-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.
#3) Al Gore
For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.
#4) Rebecca Black
Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.
-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.
#5) Unfinished Rambler
Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.
(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)
#6) Hurricane Katrina
I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.
***
This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth. Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year. So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.
-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?
by 2010 HBFFL Champion and 2011 runner-up Renal Failure
Shut it down... shut it all down...
And so it was that the HBFFL trend of last year's runner-up winning next year's championship continued as destiny dictated with Predator Press defeating your 2010 HBFFL Champions Renal Failure in Humor Bowl IV 114-50. Renal Failure's hopes to repeat as champion left the building with Tony Romo's busted hand, Jason Witten's famine of targets, Shady McCoy's disappearing act, and Billy Cundiff's bum leg. We got hit with the fantasy football blue screen of death at the worst possible time, and LOBO was there to reap the benefits of our injury implosion.
We were right to bench CJ2K for Week 16, however we chose wrong on his replacement. We picked Ryan Mathews because of his favorable matchup vs. the Lions, however it was Marshawn Lynch who had the much better day (23pts for Beast Mode vs. 7 for Mathews). We hoped Brandon Lloyd could get some garbage time points vs. the Steelers, but that didn't happen. Our only bright spots were Megatron (21pts) and our wise choice of putting in Rob Bironas as our replacement for Billy Fucking Cundiff (13pts).
When your whole season explodes on you, there's only one thing to do: strike a bad-ass pose in the midst of the destruction of your dreams...
Predator Press came ready to play in Week 16. And just like we did to Purple Drank last week, LOBO only needed two players to win. Arian Foster did what Arian Foster does (27pts) and Matt Stafford threw up a 35-point bear vs. the Chargers. Everything else was just bonus points against a crippled Renal Failure squad.
And so the 2011 HBFFL comes to a close on a disappointing note for your People's Champion, seeing our 15 weeks of effort flame out during the ultimate showdown. It's like watching The Empire Strikes Back and seeing Darth Vader tear his ACL within 10 seconds of the lightsaber duel with Luke in the cloud city and have to be carted back to his shuttle. It's a lackluster climax to what you know should have been an epic battle. Instead, LOBO's raising the championship trophy and we're heading to the MRI machine.
When you lose the championship game, the winter seems colder... something we know all too well...
2010 was a trying season for Renal Failure. Our draft seemed to be a good one, but we did not foresee Chris Johnson's troubles. Shady McCoy carried us for most of the season with all his touchdowns. Trading Fred Jackson for Calvin Johnson paid off big time for us, yet another example of how well Renal Failure makes deals. But we didn't have a big waiver wire pick-up that we've had in prior seasons (Brandon Lloyd in 2010 and CJ2K in 2008). Perhaps that was the missing ingredient to our championship souffle. But we did get the first tie ever in the HBFFL and that helped get us into the playoffs on the last game of the regular season.
8-5-1 and runner up in the Humor Bowl... we know other teams would love to have had Renal Failure's season, so our mourning will be brief. And while we are champions no more, we have once and for all solidified our place as the HBFFL's most dangerous franchise. And as the HBFFL runner-up, we are now the early favorite to win next year's Humor Bowl and become the HBFFL's first multiple-time champion.
So celebrate well, LOBO, for heavy is the head that wears the crown, and you don't do as many neck exercises as we do.
Renal Failure was the 2010 HBFFL champion, the 2010 FTWL champion, but is still the People's Champion. That Dallas/Philadelphia game fucked us over in the other league we made the playoffs in, as did Adrian Peterson's total knee destruction. This was a Christmas Eve of fantasy team implosions. Thankfully we were drunk most of the day.
I have said over the past few weeks that I didn’t think my team could defeat many teams out there. And I went on to say explicitly, “Nobody is beating Renal Failure, barring RF’s team suffering an unlikely cascade of unfortunate catastrophic events.”
It would take –dare I say it?
A miracle.
With the lowest “Points Against” even now, it was clear early on that Jesus wasn't going to let you pagan infidels score against me. And nobody was more floored than I to see the vast number of last-minute horrific injuries Jesus would inflict upon your pagan infidel teams to ensure my 2011 triumph.
So we must ponder solemnly upon the message that Jesus is sending us with this victory -on His very Sacred and Hallowed Birthday- and be thankful for His benevolent and judicious generosity. For what better Christmas gift can Jesus give you but the gift of me? And a glorious reign under my iron fists of galvanized Anointed wisdom for the next 8760 hours?
Well, 8759 now.
-It took me an hour to write this.
So first, I should take a few of these regal moments to articulate a well thought out rebuttal to Renal Failure’s recent insightful and comprehensive Humor Bowl analysis:
"Pttthbbt!"
Now that have that out of the way, I should also underline that I fear nothing. Except brain eating amoebas. And most birds. And tap water. And confined spaces, open spaces, bees, Brussels sprouts, Hittites, Styrofoam, latex, icebergs, robots, bobcats, umbrellas, people named "Clyde," triangles, the number 4, most small children, New Jersey, stairs, everything after 'Bromine' on the Periodic Table, crowds, saccharin, airline travel, hyenas, zebras, and numerous judges from a list of municipalities too long to list.
-Nothing!
Further, I would like to individually acknowledge and thank all those that made this glorious, historic reign possible:
And finally, thanks to my formidable, funny, respected HBFFL colleagues and Unfinished Person for another really fun season.
The thrill of victory... and not paying child support...
The People's wait is finally over. Their champion, Renal Failure, has emerged from Humor Bowl III victorious, etching their name forever in the annals of fantasy football history with a 91-72 win over Predator Press to be crowned your 2010 HBFFL Fantasy Football Champion.
And, for good measure, Renal Failure also won the championship of LOBO's own FTWL league with a more authoritative 109-82 win, making Renal Failure a Double Champion. (and funny enough, Rambler finished third in both the HBFFL and FTWL. Symmetry abound!)
The championship was won by the passing game for the People's Champ. Tom Brady had a respectable 26-point day vs. the Bills. TE Jason Witten put up a nice 10 points vs. Arizona (though his counterpart on the bench Brandon Pettigrew had 13 points). Brandon Lloyd got back to doing what he had been doing for most of the season, and that's rack up 100-yard games, earning a fat 16 points vs. the Texans. But the MVP of Humor Bowl III was Dwayne Bowe, coming on strong when we needed him most with a sick 26 points against the Titans. Everyone else, however, failed to live up to the People's expectations. Number One Pick Chris Johnson: 5 points. Peyton Hillis: 3 points. Matt Bryant: 2 points. Tampa Bay Defense: 3 points. Those aren't championship numbers, guys. You're lucky LOBO had even bigger problems with his team.
But we had to wait until Tuesday night's Eagles/Vikings game to find out who would be 2010 HBFFL champion. The People feared that LOBO's Michael Vick would throw a bear into orbit, erasing the 50-point lead Renal Failure had built up over the weekend and Monday night and creating a Humor Bowl Miracle much like the Miracle at the Meadowlands 2. But alas, Michael Vick had no more miracles left, which proves that Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory Ines Sainz (pictured above) is the supreme deity of Fantasy Football. Take that, Jesus! In your face, Mohammed! Suck it, Zoroaster!
Other teams are world champions, but only Renal Failure is a "WORLD FUCKING CHAMPION."
We have to take a look at our opponent, the good twin in this Fantasy Football dichotomy. LOBO's season was almost a mirror of ours:
Both teams had decent drafts (RF with the Number One pick getting Chris Johnson, then Tom Brady in Round Two, and Dwayne Bowe in Round Five; LOBO snagged in his first three picks Maurice Jones-Drew, Stephen Jackson, and Vernon Davis who along with Malcolm Floyd were the only players to remain on the PredPress roster the entire season).
Both PredPress and R. Failure pulled off big trades to solidify their lineups (LOBO got Vick and Brandon Jackson off Rambler for Dustin Keller and BenJarvus-Green Ellis. LOBO then released BJax, who Renal Failure picked up and used to beat Rambler in Week Nine. (Note: We now open the floor to debate whether that trade was worse than Rambler's trade with R. Failure last season regarding Stephen Jackson and Chad Ochocinco for Steve Slaton and Jerricho Cotchery).
Both teams worked the waiver wire to gain the edge over their opponents (RF snatching up the Number One Scoring WR in the HBFFL Brandon Lloyd and LOBO making enough moves to swap his whole roster six times over). Both teams finished 8-6, after winning their final game of the season.
And most of all, both teams are the two of the elite smack-talkers in the HBFFL.
Clearly to everyone in retrospect, these two teams were destined face each other in the Championship Game. The question now was which team would come out on top. Would Renal Failure's experience last year carry the People's Champ this year? Who on the Renal Roster was going to throw a bear into orbit? Chris Johnson? Tom Brady? Matt Bryant? Could LOBO ride Michael Vick to the biggest win in Predator Press history? Would SJax and MJD step their game up to win against the team that rode them to the finals last year? Would LOBO's receivers rise to the challenge? Who, by Odin's beard and Ines Sainz's tight denim ass, would be Humor Bowl III Champion?
Well, LOBO found out that bad things often happen to good teams when it comes time for the final championship game. LOBO lost Maurice Jones-Drew to injury and opted to go with Santana Moss instead of Lagarrette Blount (who we had kind words for last week in our preview post). Moss had a respectable 8 points, outscoring both PredPress WR's Vincent Jackson (5pts) and Larry Fitzgerald (2pts), but Blount had a big 21-point day. The extra 13 points wouldn't have beaten Renal Failure, but it would have made that Eagles game even more uncomfortable to watch (it already was since we at the Failure are Eagles fans, way to fall apart, guys).
Also LOBO switched out the Jacksonville Defense for the Dallas Defense, as if LOBO was doing the opposite of what we predicted he'd do in our preview post. Well, the Cowboys had a miserable one point while Jacksonville had three. We would declare that our Jedi Mind Trick powers of fooling other teams to bench productive players had finally delivered us a victory, but we didn't say anything about Santonio Holmes and his 12-points, which when combined with Lagarette Blount's day would have defeated the People's Champ and given him a Humor Bowl ring.
And so Renal Failure has continued the trend of the loser of the previous year's championship game winning it all the following year. This also means, like those previous winners Chris and Joe, that R. Failure will miss the playoffs in 2011. And it also means that LOBO will win Humor Bowl IV next season (we're also predicting The Ramblers will lose that game and then win it all in 2012). But everyone can worry about all that mayhem when the NFL preseason rolls around. Right now, it's celebration time for Renal Failure and The People. Celebration time that we have damn well earned considering how awful our season started, and how gloriously we turned it around to win not one but TWO fantasy football titles.
The reign of Chris and his Daleks, Death Star, and his Bearataur is over. Long live Renal Failure, your new champion.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure did lose in the championship game of the 7-team league he was in, but that league wasn't nearly as cool or prestigious as this one.
Any team that gets in Renal Failure's way is soon to be de-meated...
Well, this is the day that every Fantasy Football owner dreams of seeing. After 14 weeks of regular season strife and misery just to gain a place in the playoffs and one more week of sudden death mayhem that could cruelly erase the previous 14 weeks of struggle, two teams have clawed their way to the glorious Week 16: CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK. Or as we call it here at the HBFFL blog: The Humor Bowl. And by we, we mean just Renal Failure (or as The Situation would call the People's Champ: R. Failure) because no one else has called it that before.
Renal Failure vs. Predator Press. Both teams went 8-6, both teams started 2-4, both pulled off key trades mid-season to fuel their playoff runs (R. Failure getting Peyton Hillis from Chris, LOBO getting Michael Vick from Unfinished Rambler), and both had five-game winning streaks in the second half of the season to clinch playoff berths (though R. Failure had 89 more points to grab the 3-seed). Yes, these two have much in common, so we needed to find the smartest person in the world to break down which team will take home the championship in the HBFFL.
That is the smartest thing we have ever seen...
Quarterback: Michael Vick vs. Tom Brady. The battle for NFL MVP ends here. Yahoo! stats have both with the same amount of points for the season, tying for fourth in the league, even though Vick played in fewer games because of injury. Tom Brady may have invented throwing bears into outer space, but Vick has thrown more bears into deep space than anyone this season, and his matchup vs. Minnesota is more of an Orbital Bear Warning than Brady's matchup vs. Buffalo. Still, never count out Tom Brady. Advantage: Predator Press.
Running Back: Chris Johnson vs. Maurice Jones-Drew. MJD is fighting off injuries and hasn't practiced all week, leaving his active status in doubt until Sunday. If MJD can't go, he'll have to go with Tampa Bay's Lagarrette Blount, who has put up a decent 54 points in the last four weeks. LOBO could pick up MJD backup Rashad Jennings... if Renal Failure didn't snag him off the waiver wire in a bit of defensive free agency strategy. Speaking of Renal Failure, the People's Champ will be starting Chris Johnson - third in RB scoring in the HBFFL - who has a nice matchup vs. Kansas City this week, has put up consecutive 20+ point games, and has the competitive fire to continuously prove that he the best rusher in the NFL. Advantage: Renal Failure.
Ines Sainz has wisdom that can only be expressed through tight denim...
Wide Receivers: LOBO hit the early-season inactive WR lottery with Vincent Jackson last week, and VJax is playing the lowly Bengals in Week 16, though you're never sure who Philip Rivers will throw to from game-to-game (though it helps that Antonio Gates is out). Also LOBO is starting 2008 Renal Failure Team MVP Larry Fitzgerald, who has struggled because of the bad QB situation in Arizona. But luckily he's playing a Dallas defense that stops no one. R. Failure, however, has the Number One scoring WR in the HBFFL Brandon Lloyd, who seems to be Tim Tebow's only viable target. And Dwayne Bowe (5th in WR scoring) is coming out of a slump, has Matt Cassell throwing to him again, and has a great matchup against a weak Tennessee defense. Advantage: Push
Tight End: Vernon Davis (3rd in TE scoring) has been rather erratic, putting up a big fat zero last week. And while he's got a favorable matchup against St. Louis, the QB situation in San Francisco is murky, which favors Brian Westbrook more than VD. Jason Witten (2nd in TE scoring) is on a hot streak and looks to be Jon Kitna's favorite target, and considering how horrid Dallas's running game has been we expect Kitna to throw the rock a lot vs. Arizona. Advantage: Renal Failure
Flex Option: Peyton Hillis finished as the 2nd-highest scoring RB in the league, but is facing the always-tough Baltimore Ravens Defense this week (though he ran right threw them in Week 3) and has been in a bit of a late-season slump, as if carrying the entire Cleveland Browns on his shoulders is starting to wear on him. Stephen Jackson (13th in RB scoring) has been a consistent performer but has only scored more than 20 points three times this season. The 49ers, if they're smart will look to stack SJax at the line and force Sam Bradford to beat them. Advantage: Predator Press
Some stare Ines Sainz and see only lustful splendor. Others see the secrets of the universe unfurled before them like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Except hotter...
Kicker: Matt Bryant was 3rd among kickers in scoring and has an important game against New Orleans that could clinch up 1st place for the Falcons. Adam Vinateri was 5th in kicker scoring and has an important game against Oakland to keep the Colts playoff hopes alive. It's going to come down to a question of which team's offense stalls out more often in field goal range against the opposing defense, and the defending Super Bowl Champion Saints' defense has a lot more to play for than the Raiders'. Advantage: Renal Failure
Defense/Special Teams: LOBO's rolling with Jacksonville vs. Washington, which isn't a bad idea considering the Skins are starting Rex Grossman, who is better known for having QB ratings lower than my blood alcohol level. R. Failure is sticking with Tampa Bay, who despite their decimated ranks, is still projected for 10 points against the sickly Seattle Seahawks. But that might be wishful thinking on the part of the number crunchers at Yahoo! Advantage: Predator Press.
And the advantage is: a tie. Shit... okay, so that didn't solve anything. Let's look at the official numbers then. Yahoo! is projecting a 107-103 victory for LOBO and Predator Press (though many of those points for LOBO are dependent on MJD playing on Sunday), and Yahoo! was correct last week in projecting wins for R. Failure and PredPress. It's an uphill battle for the People's Champion, but they've faced adversity before and rose to the challenge. Then again, so has LOBO because we are similar teams. Damn it. Okay... this is the moment of truth, where everything we've claimed and appropriated for ourselves over the past three years is going to have to come to pass for R. Failure to win. Circling the Wagons, employing the chaotic energy of the Wild Card (bitches!), being granted victory through the divinity of Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory Ines Sainz, invoking the power of The People... all of these things must come to pass for Renal Failure to win Humor Bowl III and prevent the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies from taking home the glory and honor of the HBFFL championship.
We've run the numbers through our special Fantasy Football Battle Simulator and have determined that LOBO is a red-skinned oiled-up Turkish guy in leather pants and Renal Failure has rocket boots, electric gloves, and a nice rack...
The trends say that the team that lost the previous year's championship game wins the next year, so R. Failure has that going for them. But it may take a lot more than trends to keep LOBO from taking what rightfully belongs to the People.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure is also projected to lose to LOBO 96-94 in LOBO's FTWL championship game. But remember, NO ONE CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE RENAL FAILURE!
As the cold, icy specter of doubt cast itself over our vast nation of LOBOnia, millions and millions of Predator Press readers were left to consider a world where we might not be represented in the HBFFL finals.
Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings. Enough death and carnage! I am thusly impelled to finally speak.
Who the hell is going to clean up this mess?
Artist Rendering of
Predator Press Fan Suffering
I suppose in Week 8 they had good reason to behave as such; the long-awaited mighty Ben Roethlisberger gave me 9 points, 20% of my 47-point showing, and the Unfinished Rambler doubled that with ease. At 3-5, one more loss would have jeopardized even the last tiny sliver of hope of making the semifinals.
But while grateful for his generosity, I cannot help but wonder if the Unfinished Rambler gave me Michael Vick almost as a consolation prize -that I might proceed through the inevitable demise of my season with some shred of dignity and fight. With the seemingly remote exception of Predator Press making the Finals, we would not be facing each other again this year.
Either way I thank you Rambler. Vick, coupled with an RB corps that was finally starting to “gel,” finally started to turn things around; at this point I was in a 3-way tie for 7th place (an optimistic euphemism for a 3-way tie for 9th place) and our esteemed Renal Failure had the exact same record and situation. But RF -almost universally loathed save for by me- could not rely on the goodwill and sportsmanship of others, nor my radiant brainiosity: to demonstrate, I invite all who want Renal Failure to win the HBFFL 2010 Humor Bowl to raise their hand.
See? Now RF, please lower your hand before you burn yourself on that swinging light bulb.
Bereft of family, friends and fans (alienated mostly by his incessant irrational trade offers, and on a dialysis machine covered in ‘My Other Machine is a Baxter 550‘ bumper stickers), RF was required to develop his own tactical edge: one that required a pentagram drawn in the fluids of his last remaining kidney, and the live sacrifice of numerous animals indigenous to his domicile such as bats and mice. And under the steady drip of semi-permeable membranes of dialysate and bad plumbing that hadn’t been inspected since the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, RF climbed one unfortunate marcupial at a time right into Satan's good graces.
But unlike our beloved yet misguided RF, I shall not be showing my sticky pegan 8” X 10” glossy photo of Ines Sainz on this post. I, conversely, will be showing our one and only savior Jesus Christ, who one might expect wants to bathe Miss Sainz and RF both in Holy and Righteous Christian Fire while I stand by delighting in their agonized suffering. In fact, I may give Jesus a few ideas of my own:
Jesus:I understand that I am supposed to punish sinners. But I am all about ’Forgiveness.’ I don’t see how freezing Renal Failure in liquid nitrogen and slowly chipping off little pieces while dancing barefoot in his bloody sludge will help save his Soul.
LOBO:As a child, he talked trash about your mom constantly.
Jesus:Mary?
LOBO:Yeah. He wrote a poem about how she was ‘involved’ with sheep, and I suspect it was imbedded with instructions for his connections with the cocaine cartels.
Jesus:‘Fleece was white as snow?’
LOBO:Exactly. His whole fantasy team sang it as kids too -like an evil Jedi mantra. I recommend glazing RF in a nice hydrochloric bisque first.
Jesus:Can we listen to Huey Lewis and the News while we do it?
LOBO:How many millions of years are we talking about here? I’ve got an appointment with Unfinished Rambler-
Jesus:How about seven?
LOBO:Ten.
Jesus:Meehhhhhh ...
LOBO:It's Christmas. You realize your Driver's License expires tomorrow, right? What with the holiday, we won't even be out of the DMV by then.
I’m not going to engage in a lot of trash talking here.
It wasn’t easy getting this far, and it wasn’t without luck; frankly, there was little one would classify as “clever” or “shrewd” in my season. A lot of better players and teams, having suffered unforeseeable misfortunes, are starin’ at me in utter disbelief.
And now, at the end of the season, the waiver wires –often the only thing keeping me an inch or two ahead of my respective matchups- have dried up.
Alas, Predator Press has no reason to expect to continue to win.
Thusly faced by a number of teams I cannot beat -and as my season comes to its inevitable and overdue end- one might expect me to be classy and gracious; to rise above the petty and slanderous "Trash Talk" common amongst sports enthusiasts.
And one might also expect me not to call Chris Cameron a stinky-faced poo poo head (despite his attempt to kill Jesus).
But from the automobile to the standard kitchen blender
