When it rains, it keeps raining, and rains some more until there's nothing but the rain...
The People's Champ was busy this past week doing the People's Business so we're going to keep this brief, and overly terse because we lost.
Good news: We scored 94 points for the second week in a row Bad news: Troi and his Future Ex-Cons scored 140, the highest total of the week and making this loss the biggest blowout of the week in the HBFFL. Semi-Good News: Yahoo! says that three of our four losses have come against team's putting up the highest score that week, so if we're getting beat we're getting beat by the absolute best.
Good news: We were right about Demaryius Thomas mitigating the damage from Peyton Manning. Thomas has 36 points, Manning had 38. Bad news: We were wrong about Marques Colston not getting many points from Drew Brees. Colston put up 16, Brees 31. Not that it would have mattered, but we like to be right.
Bad news: Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris duplicated their weak performance from last week. Really bad news: Fred Jackson got injured and is out for at least a month Really really bad news: Our handcuff for Fred Jackson, CJ Spiller, broke his collarbone and is out for the season. Really really really bad news: LOBO snatched up Cody Parkey from waivers when we dropped him for his bye week.
Semi-good news: Despite the big numbers that the people we traded for Drew Brees Sammy Watkins, Chris Ivory, and Tom Brady put up on the Future Ex-Cons bench, we still would have lost if we had all three on our team for this week's game. By 3 points. So the trade is still a positive for us. Bad news: Larry Fitzgerald has ceased to be a valuable WR.
How many assholes do we have left on this team? YO!
So our running back depth has gone to shit and our starting RB's are struggling, a complete reversal of the usual Renal Failure operating procedure. And while it's never a good time for your strengths to become your weakness, it's particularly inopportune when you're at the halfway mark of the season sitting at 3-4 in 5th place.
Week 8 looks favorable to the people according to the bots at Yahoo! Demaryius Thomas has already put up a solid 15 points on Thursday night to set the pace against our Week 8 foes Cranberry Sauce, and we get Jeremy Maclin back in the lineup too. Unfortunately for us 2-5 Cranberry Sauce has gotten 17 points from Antonio Gates, which does not bode well for us considering TE has been very weak for the People's Champ. Still, Yahoo! projects we come out on top 111-104.
Cranberry Sauce might not know this, but the 2nd half of the season is usually where Renal Failure cranks it up several notches. We've turned disastrous starts into playoff runs, and even a championship. So do not be alarmed if Renal Failure starts dominating in these late-in-the-season games because it's what we're famous for around these parts, especially since we've clear most of our bye weeks for our starters.
Renal Failure is the People's Champion, and also got hammered in the FTWL in Week 7 too. We're in 5th place there so it appears that no matter what decisions we make, we're a middle of the pack squad so far in 2014.
I am trying to imagine KHAN, the manager of the Future Ex-Cons, on Tuesday morning. After a full day of torturing starving orphan kids -with impractical knowledge utterly devoid of shoplifting and insurance scams- he retires to the teacher's lounge for his powdered wig and bonbons.
The television on, he prepares to drink in his victory. Four points behind Predator Press, he had the only player left Monday might: Stephen Gostkowski. Some French guy.
And it is only then that he smells Mason Crosby's stinky golden toe of my victory. Sure, some of those other guys on my team scored too, but, as any good fantasy football manager will tell you, seasons are won by drafting lots and lots of kickers and defenses early and often. Just ask Billy Cundiff about what happened the week Nate Kaeding, Mason Crosby, and the entire Cleveland Browns defense stuffed him in his locker and wrote "WARNING! COOTIES!" all over it. I bet that poor bastard is still in therapy.
So I ask you "Renal Failure," if in fact that is your real name:
After a lot of bootstrapping, the Preds detonated Bourbon Blasters in Week 3 -sadly, our first victory of the season. I figured Aaron Rogers and the entire Bourbon Blaster WR corps were expected to get at least thirty points collectively, but as a consequence, our beloved Preds squeaked though by scarcely doubling their score.
*!whew!*
Now I'm beset with a mediocre draft, a cascade of injuries, arrests, and bye weeks. Thank God for Mason Crosby! My roster is so full of waiver wire handcuffs that the most seasoned dominatrix I know uttered my 'safe word' [harder] on sight.*
And with this motley crew, I get the Championship rematch with the Future Ex-Cons:
Artist's Rendering
My strategy will be straight out of the first three Rocky movies. Just like Apollo Creed, I'm gonna dazzle the HBFFL with some trash talk, flashy antics, fancy footwork, and inexplicable reckless underestimation of all my opponents.
I might even celebrate my victories by finally watching Rocky IV this weekend.
*Whatever you do, don't tell her Kirk Cousins is not really my cousin. Holy crap would she be pissed.
This is what we do when you draft a player we want right before it's our turn...
The end of August means the start of fantasy football (and actual NFL football), and that means the HBFFL is gearing up for its 7th season. There are some new faces in the crowd as we've moved away from the Humor Blogger requisite of our league, much how like everyone forgot Richie Cunningham on Happy Days had an older brother.
The 2014 HBFFL draft was held this past Tuesday and the grades from Yahoo! are in. Let's see what the algorithm bots have to say about who will dominate the season.
"Is this who's left on the draft board???"
The Patriots - Grade: A - Projected Record: 10-4 (3rd place)
One of our newbies in the HBFFL, Yahoo! liked them the best with their draft, though strangely projects them to finish 3rd. They went with the tried and true Renal Failure strategy of loading up on RB's, taking Eddie Lacy, DeMarco Murray, and Giovani Bernard with their first three picks. They grabbed Matty Ice as their QB, a solid choice. They'll be leaning on Randall Cobb for WR production, but may be relying too much on Vernon Davis at TE. Your People's Champ wouldn't have given them an A rating just because they chose two kickers and one of them is the suspended Matt Prater.
Cranberry Sauce - Grade: B+ - Projected Record: 11-3 (2nd place)
The newcomers know their stuff according to the Yahoo! bots. Jamaal Charles with the 2nd pick will be their focus at RB because the other RB's (Shane Vereen, DeAngelo Williams, James Starks) don't scare anyone. They loaded up at WR with Jordy Nelson and Alshon Jeffrey, and they got the best value of the 5th round by taking the Seattle Defense, which is about the only defense you can unequivocally count on in 2014. Cranberry won't have to worry much if Matt Stafford goes down with Philip Rivers behind him. But in Renal Failure's opinion, Cranberry should be knocked down to a D in this draft for ruining our plan to take Johnny Manziel with the final pick of the draft to make a very clever Mr. Irrelevance joke. To be fair, we did tell people we were going to do it, but that's because it was too good not to share.
And now "Deep Thoughts by Eli Manning"
Bald Spots - Grade: B+ - Projected Record 9-5 (4th place)
The HBFFL vet went WR heavy with Megatron, Brandon Marshall, and Victor Cruz in the first four rounds, which Yahoo! says is the best WR trio in the HBFFL. He'll be hoping RB Andre Ellington comes through, despite playing for Arizona. Speaking of Arizona, their D should be solid again this year. We're not sold on his taking Cam Newton as his QB considering he has no one to throw to in Carolina, and if he spends all his time running that ups his chance of getting injured. Backup QB Eli Manning doesn't scare anyone. And Rob Gronkowski's injury issues may bite Bald Spots when he can least afford to be bitten. Still, you can't rule out a team with Megatron on the roster.
Bourbon Blasters - Grade: B - Projected Record 6-8 (7th place)
This is the rare year that the Blasters do not have Drew Brees as their QB, but Aaron Rodgers ain't a bad replacement. The Blasters will be leaning on Adrian Peterson and Frank Gore for running points, but they're not getting any younger. Andre Johnson might be the only receiving threat for the Texans, but do you want to put your faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick getting the ball to him (why do you think no one won with Bills receivers the past couple seasons)? He'll get more production from Julius Thomas and Julian Edelman, but Joe has no Drew Brees so he gets no playoffs. But Yahoo! thinks you draft handsomely. Also we're not sold on Percy Harvin, but Dennis Pitta is a nice TE option.
Hey LOBO, resolve to fix your autodraft rankings
Predator Press - Grade: B - Projected Record 7-7 (5th place)
Your runner-up in last year's Humor Bowl will have to scrap a bit to get back there according to the Yahoo! bots. though there's a lot to disagree with. Jimmy Graham in the first round was the 2nd best receiving threat in the Top 10 behind Megatron but LOBO was right to feel weird about drafting a TE with their first pick. A.J. Green is another solid WR to build the team around. But the RB situation is a bit dicey. Le'Veon Bell is in drug trouble and Toby Gerhart is Toby Gerhart. Colin Kaepernick will probably be able to bail out PredPress in some tight games, but if he goes down we're not sold on him being able to rely on RGIII. Also, LOBO's autodrafter took Wes Welker way too high for someone with who just got his 3rd concussion in the past two years. But like us LOBO lives for waiver wire pickups so he's got a puncher's chance of sneaking into the playoffs.
Future Ex-Cons (Defending HBFFL champion) - Grade: B - Projected Record 12-2 (1st place)
Troi's chances of winning a third consecutive Humor Bowl are looking good according to the Yahoo! bots, a lot of it due to having the weakest projected schedule (something RF rode hard on last year to get into the playoffs). But they may have stumbled out of the gate by taking Drew Brees AND Peyton Manning with their first two picks. This sort of trade bait scenario rarely works (we know, because we've tried it in the past, e.g. the Tom Brady/RGIII 5-8-1 season of 2012). We like Troi's choice of Zac Stacy in the 3rd round, seeing how we had Zac Stacy last season and he racked up mad points for us in our push to the playoffs. Larry Fitzgerald in the 4th round is a steal. DeSean Jackson in the 5th? Eh... RGIII is not Nick Foles. San Francisco's D in the 6th seemed a bit of a reach as did taking K Stephen Gostkowski in the 8th. Troi will roll the dice with Marques Colston because Brees can't throw to Jimmy Graham all the time. We're going to make an outlandish prediction here: Troi does not win his 3rd championship without trading Brees or Manning, and we don't think anyone's going to make that deal. We may be biased because teams have learned over the years to be wary of trades with Renal Failure (we are the devil!), but the HBFFL has never been a trade-heavy league.
You sleep on Renal Failure, you get snapped in half.
Renal Failure (aka the People's Champion) - Grade B- - Projected Record 7-7 (6th place)
Yahoo! never understands or appreciates how we operate. That's why we're the Wild Card (bitches)! Renal Failure ended up picking last in the draft order for the 2nd straight year, but that's okay because we were 10-4 in 2013. Your People's Champ went with our tried and true method of loading up on RB's - going with Marshawn Lynch, Alfred Morris, and C.J. Spiller. Then we loaded up with a deep trio of WR's Demaryius Thomas, Jeremy Maclin, and Michael Crabtree. Yahoo! says we took Tom Brady too early in the 5th round, but we couldn't count on quality QB's to be available around picks 70 and 71. Yahoo! says we stole TE Jason Witten in the 10th round but we like getting Jay Cutler as our backup QB in the 8th round even more. We rounded out our draft with some handcuff picks (Riley Cooper, Fred Jackson) and decided to gamble in the later rounds with some adventurous picks with Sammy Watkins, Zach Ertz, and (to make up for not getting Johnny Manziel with the last pick) Blake Bortles. If these youngsters blossom like they're expected to, Renal Failure could rocket themselves into the playoffs yet again. And if they don't, well that's why we pound that waiver wire like it owes us money (that's how over the past 6 years we were into CJ2K, DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, Brandon Lloyd, Zac Stacy, and Arcade Fire before everyone else was - just kidding about Arcade Fire, we don't see what the big deal is about them).
Manley's Book Club - Grade: C+ - Projected Record 4-10 (8th place)
This newbie to the HBFFL didn't get the Yahoo! draft love, but he did get Nick Foles who had a red hot 2013 and should continue throwing bears into outer space in 2014 (throwing bears into outer space being our term for ridiculously high fantasy football point performances). We personally think he took Dez Bryant way too high, but we don't much care for Cowboys not named Jason Witten (Yahoo! thinks Bryant's going to lead all WR in points this year because of reasons too smart for us to understand). Cordarelle Patterson is slated to have a breakout year at WR, which we agree with more seeing as someone has to catch the ball in Minnesota. Doug Martin will grind out a lot of yards running for the Bucs, and if Montee Ball can stay competent he could get close to those inexplicable Knowshow Moreno numbers from last year (and just to be sure, Manley drafted Moreno too). We're not keen on him wasting a high pick on Roddy White, considering the shit season he had when he was on the Renal Roster last year. Probably could have gotten him much later.
Sometimes you just get spittin' mad at your draft.
Purple Drank - Grade C - Projected Record 2-12 (9th place)
The commish of the HBFFL never gets any love from the Yahoo! draft bots. Things started off good with grabbing Matt Forte and Julio Jones. Then things went wonky with taking WR Keenan Allen with the 3rd round pick. Reggie Bush in the 4th round was pretty money, as was getting Andrew Luck in the 5th. After that, the rest of his draft decisions don't inspire much emotion other than "Well, you're here, come along." Joique Bell is Reggie Bush's handcuff, so that's something, but the Drank is rolling with two Saints RB's on the bench (Pierre Thomas and Mark Ingram) Who do you know in fantasy football who's gone anywhere in the last few year by relying on the Saints running game? At least Tampa Bay's Defense is supposed to be good.
For when you don't make the consolation playoffs.
Mile High Club - Grade: D - Projected Record 2-12 (10th place)
Yahoo! loves and hates the HBFFL rookies. Mile High was granted the 1st pick overall and took Renal Failure mainstay Shady McCoy (Your People's Champ are McCoy hipsters, we were starting him before it was cool). WR Antonio Brown was a solid 2nd round pick. Yahoo! especially liked his 3rd round selection of Arian Foster (hey, we had McCoy and Foster last year too - Mile High knows who to emulate for success). TE Jordan Cameron is projected to be the only person on the Browns catching anything so take that as you will, and WR Vincent Jackson is slated to be the man in Tampa Bay. Rounding out the lineup are QB Tony Romo and a nice pickup in Round 8 of WR Emmanuel Sanders. But the problem is with the rest of Mile High's RB choices. Trent Richardson and Maurice Jones-Drew (a former Renal Failure favorite) aren't going to make teams lose sleep. And Dwayne Bowe? Sure, Renal Failure won a championship with him in 2010 but that was the last time he was ever useful. Better hope Anquan Boldin still has some life left in those legs, or that RB Devonta Freeman breaks out in Atlanta.
We'll see in 16 weeks who the 2014 champ is, and who are the teams that really wanted to forget the 2014 season. Maybe we'll check with the teams who were ambivalent about their season, but they're less fun.
Renal Failure is the People's Champion and original member of the HBFFL. We are the fantasy football team your league deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
TWICE this month, I deployed
quarterbacks (Cutler, Locker) that delivered negative points. To
paraphrase, I would have been better off not playing quarterbacks at
all.
But this time it worked out. I was
playing Renal Failure. My dear friend RF
cunningly used Cam Newtron -the inventor of gravity- in an attempt to
launch numerous bears into space. But the bears he was using were fat,
shut-in bears, lazy from seven victories, while the Preds cleverly brought Brandon
Marshall starving, malnourished, emaciated bear cubs. (Fuck you, PETA. This is football.)
PETA: Brandon Marshall got 5
points with aerodynamic "Cuddles."
She died bravely in a fumble,
and was very, very tasty.
Still, Predator Press
needs a solid TE. We tried to trade nonames with a very generous offer for Tony Gonzalez, and he rejected it. In retrospect we would like to thank nonames for his foresight and continued support of Predator Press, as this would have ruined our season entirely. But we are still offering Le'Veon Bell and/or a nice portfolio of WR …
… Because the big dog in the house is
the Future Ex-Cons.
Are we really going to let a sadistic,
child torturing “teacher” win two seasons in a row?
So the People's Champion is pulling a Pearl Harbor and launching his attack at the Cons during their moment of weakness. Renal Failure has commenced his dastardly dive bombing run on a week where the Cons have 4 players on a BYE. Most notably, NFL's Prince Valiant, Peyton Manning and his trusty squire Eric of Decker are on leave. Also, the Cons are not able to Gore the People's Chump and will resort to praying that Lord Robert Griffin the Third will return to his tournament days and gallop his way to victory. Don't get me wrong, these are not excuses. The Once and Future Cons can suffer to toss a win to the needy Failures and still rule the Round Table of Bloggers. After all, this will be nothing more than a flesh wound. Have at thee!!!
Why, against all reason, am i blogging and about Fantasy Foosball no less? Foosball is the devil. Which makes Fantasy Foosball, the devil's fantasy.
Just like meth, one should treat blogging with a view of "Not even once." Really, who even blogs anymore? It's a dead media. Today's society is way too fast for that. If it can't be said in 140 characters or less, then it loses the audience. Why write when an Instagram says a thousand words? #KidsCanNotRead In fact, there's a quote going around my FB feed that perfectly summarizes my point: "Frak blogging" Abraham Lincoln. See, if our most beloved US President said it, then it must be true. Blogging is for people who like to hear themselves talk but in writing. It's for people who believe themselves better than those who vlog on youtube. "Look at me, I can talk but I'm gonna make it more complicated by saying it with my fingers." But I digress and must go back to the point.
Why am I blogging? LOBO made me do it.
It started with a cryptic letter. The letter had some fanatical claims. LOBO claimed, "I KNOW you blog." Ninja, please. I'm a Social Media Connoisseur. Do you think Jay-Z would stoop to blogging? LOBO also claimed that it would be a perfect opportunity to exchange some trash talking since my #1 Ranked Future Ex-Cons and his #2 team(and believe me, there's a HUGE drop off from 1 and 2. It's like as if #1 is eating ice cream and #2 is eating razor blades.) Predator Press. Sure, we have the same 5-1-0 record and my team happens to come first alphabetically, but if LOBO was smart then he would have named his team "A Predator Press". Yet he didn't so let's all go doubt his mental acumen. It's okay, you know you already do. I'm not saying he's dumb, but if the cap fits...
Let's just say it's time for Peyton Manning to smack Jay Cutler upside the head.
His previous tired tirade in this "Humor" blog league also claims that as a teacher, I am somehow raising some army to think and act as I do. Well, yes, but what army is going to keep the evil that is LOBO at bay? Someone has to do it and I will gladly order that code red to keep you all safe.
*The views in this entry does not represent the views of this blog as a whole, its other authors, or this particular author either.*
When KHAN and LOBO were in college, it
was a simpler time. Al Gore, in desperate need of pornography, had
just invented the internet. “Titanic” dominated the box office.
Hawaii -somehow ever oblivious to pop culture- still believed “Red
Red Wine” and “Margaritaville” were the only goddamn fucking
songs ever written. A misguided Melody B had fallen hopelessly for LOBO's irresistible manliness, and he spent entire semesters relentlessly
being chased by her. Poor thing.
At some point KHAN went totally
rogue. What turned him to the Dark Side?
Why did he hate children so much? Was it the time LOBO tried to make a Xerox copy of a mirror? No one really knows. But in retrospect, KHAN was
laying the groundwork of his sinister ambitions the whole time.
He became a teacher.
For more than ten years
now, KHAN's reign of terror upon adolescence has been merciless, replete with forcing poor innocent kids to “learn” stuff, do
homework, and watch books. He lectures for endless excruciating hours about utterly useless crap like math and history -utterly avoiding the more practical skills like shoplifting, insurance fraud, and funneling frequent microscopic profits into untaxable offshore bank accounts. And
knowing that LOBO is perhaps the only man who can stop this sadistic madness, KHAN
hatched yet another diabolic plan: to defeat our hero this week on
the HBFFL gridiron.
Who can defeat KHAN and his juggernaut Future Ex Cons?
-And can LOBO save our children from KHAN's evil clutches?
It would seem Troi's Future Ex-Cons are aptly named. This week they and their fantasy QB Peyton Manning stole a victory from the nonames. My man' Rodgers' measly 19 fantasy points couldn't hold a candle to Mr. Manning's 45. Even my reserve QB, Eli "Interception" Manning racked up more points than Mr Rodgers with 23.
Hey, Rodgers. Pull my finger.
My nonames had a bunch of under performing idiots lat week. Victor Cruz amassed 4 points. David Wilson picked up 7 points. Reggie Bush gathered 6 points. What the hell?
And while the nonames were pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, the Ex Cons - in particular Manning - were pulling a bootleg. Hell he not only deaked out Dallas but the camera man too!
The one bright spot for nonames was WR Dez Bryant who really put in an effort with 30 points, more than double the Yahoo projection for him last week.
I don't know if there was a full moon last week or what but the nonames had to hire a fumigator to clean out their dressing room after last week's games because they stank so much.
So the Cons are number one and the nonames have slipped into 4th spot.
In the coming week we go up against that loopy luddite LOBO and his Predator Press, currently in 2nd place.
I sure hope we don't steal defeat from the jaws of victory two weeks in a row.
